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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is saying no politely not enough?

151 replies

Wilberry · 12/04/2023 14:43

I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable right now. Partner moved out a while back as he decided he needed 'space' and to be independent, he'd basically moved into my home 2 and a half years ago, and for a few months we'd been arguing as I work full time and I was also doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, everything.

When he lived with me his kids came here when he had them and I was ok with this arrangement, but he is a total Disney dad, and his youngest DD acts like his wife, the other two kids may as well not exist and it used to rile me. Youngest DD is very manipulative and the relationship between them to me is a bit wierd, she gets what she wants when she wants or else all hell breaks loose, she's badly behaved and will jump on my sofas etc but when I said to her please don't do that, we don't jump on sofas in this house (very politely and gently), I got told off by him because she started crying saying I was being mean to her.

So he moved into his own place, but wanted us to stay together, but he would be 'independent:, have his own place, care for his kids and whatever else (not really turning out that way but that's another story). For the last week I've barely had anything from him in terms of communication, he blew me off to see his mates instead of spending our child free weekend with me, but now he thinks that as his kids are on holiday and with him that they can all come and stay at my house. I've said no, I'm busy with work, I work at home so I don't really want his kids there running around screaming and shouting, I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere, but he's quite narcissistic and everything is so over dramatised and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt. I also don't see why I should have to pay to feed them, wash their clothes, shower them and whatever else when he doesn't contribute to my household anymore. I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications, but I'm being bombarded asking if they can come here, AIBU?

OP posts:
readbooksdrinktea · 12/04/2023 17:30

PricklyFoot · 12/04/2023 15:07

Kill two birds with one stone.

"I've said no, you're not respecting that, this is the end for us. Bye".

Yes, this. The man doesn't respect you. Off he goes.

Peachy2005 · 12/04/2023 17:31

Thank your lucky stars he moved out. Have you changed the locks or gotten the key back? Now use this as the opportunity to end it! Don’t be in a rush to let anyone move in again.

StaunchMomma · 12/04/2023 17:35

'I said no and I meant NO'

I don't see what you're getting out of this relationship, OP. It sounds like you're not a great match.

Stand your ground. Your home, your decision.

Hayliebells · 12/04/2023 17:37

It's massively unattractive behaviour on his part, and if you're questioning the relationship anyway, surely this is just the nail in the coffin?

LBFseBrom · 12/04/2023 17:39

You are not at all unreasonable. Stick to your guns. Better still, end the relationship, there are more fish in the sea. In future do not entertain the idea of a partnership with a man who has dependent children, life is too short for that sort of stress.

MRex · 12/04/2023 17:43

You need to be a lot clearer. "I don't wish to date you any more, and I don't want you nor your children in my house. I will pack up your stuff for you to collect from DATE so let me know when suits to pick up. Thanks"

Daleksatemyshed · 12/04/2023 17:44

Just adding my voice to the chorus of tell him to sod off Op. He moved out so he could live his life as he pleased but he still wants to hang on to you and make use of you when he sees fit. Why are you putting up with this please? He suddenly remembers you when he needs another pair of hands not when he's out having a nice time with his mates in the pub.
The words you're looking for are "I said No, and I meant No", better still ditch this one and move on

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 17:45

You’ve already concluded the relationship isn’t going anywhere so end it and move on.

Fandabedodgy · 12/04/2023 17:46

Say no the the visit

I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere

and end the relationship

DotAndCarryOne2 · 12/04/2023 17:52

He didn’t think it through before he moved out, has realised he’ll be doing the work with his kids instead of you, and now he’s pestering you for justification because you’re not telling him what he wants to hear. He wants it all doesn’t he ? He moved out for his own space, and apparently that means you being the free babysitting and food/laundry service for his kids, while he does whatever he wants ? He’s a prize nob and you need to end the relationship once and for all. He’s done the hard work by moving out, all you need to do now is cut contact, change the locks and install a ring doorbell.

Timeforachangeisitnot · 12/04/2023 17:53

MelchiorsMistress · 12/04/2023 14:54

It’s not enough because you’re not giving him the answer he wants. Nor are you giving him the solution he wants to the ‘problem’ of him having to entertain and care for his kids alone.

You might need to escalate your polite no to a fuck off instead.

MelchiorsMistress nailed it on the first page. Just get rid OP.

Againstmachine · 12/04/2023 18:00

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 15:12

Who thinks YABU?!

Of course a polite no should be enough but he’s a bullying dick head so use this as the time to tell him it’s over, properly, finally, and you won’t be seeing him or his badly behaved kids again.

I do.
I don't think she's being unreasonable, but just stop pissing about and end it as she's not getting anything out of the relationship more than hassle.

GlassBunion · 12/04/2023 18:05

If you're not in a proper relationship then the answer is 'no.'

If you're in a committed relationship, the answer is still 'no.'

His kids, his problem.

Children being foisted onto someone who doesn't really have a relationship with the parent is negligence.

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 18:06

He clearly didn't factor into his independence plan that moving out of your place and into his own would mean his DC would also no longer be staying at yours.
Didn't think it through did he..

viques · 12/04/2023 18:10

I would say yes.

(then message the night before and say sorry, something has come up, and aren’t we on a break anyway?)

Thesharkradar · 12/04/2023 18:19

Crumpleton · 12/04/2023 18:06

He clearly didn't factor into his independence plan that moving out of your place and into his own would mean his DC would also no longer be staying at yours.
Didn't think it through did he..

looks to me as if he was confident he'd be able to walk all over @Wilberry and make her provide free childcare at his convenience, the fact that she needs to make a thread on here instead of dumping him months ago does suggest that she is somewhat brainwashed by him!

Starseeking · 12/04/2023 18:23

Say no and block him. Life's too short for putting up with this sort of nonsense.

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 12/04/2023 18:23

Sounds to me like he wants the best of both worlds, to have his own space & also to bring his kids to your house whenever he wants.
Your said No, he doesn't respect it. I think your be better off with all the space & drop him.

unsync · 12/04/2023 18:34

It's not enough for him because you are not saying what he wants - which is yes. He is manipulating you. Make the separation permanent. It sounds like your life will be far more enjoyable, peaceful and calm without him.

sadsack78 · 12/04/2023 18:40

From what you've written here, it sounds like you're not a good fit for each other.
You can't co-exist in the same home, his kids and parenting style drives you nuts, he doesn't treat you well, he makes you feel awful.

It has to be your choice in your own time but I think you know this relationship needs to end and has already been over for a while.

Travellingwillow · 12/04/2023 18:44

So he can take his time with his mates, come to you when he feels like it, get you to accommodate him and his disrespectful children (which he condones) and expects you to put up with this inconvenience.

What does he bring to this relationship that is of benefit to you? Does he spoil you, thank you for looking after him and his children, help clean up the mess his children will inevitably make ? If the answer to any or all of these is know then I would seriously 'give him the space' he so desires, permanently.

You are worth more than this, he doesn't appear to respect you or your boundaries. Sometimes you can be more lonely in a relationship than out of one. He is exploiting you and harrassing you for making the decision to say no to him demanding to come to YOUR house, in YOUR time. i cant think of any other occasion where this would be acceptable behaviour.

Travellingwillow · 12/04/2023 18:44

No ....not know

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/04/2023 18:50

It definitely sounds as if you should dump him. He clearly has no respect for you. Unruly children only get bigger and by the time they’re in their teens, you’re faced with an adult-sized potentially out of control child.

pictoosh · 12/04/2023 19:09

So he wants to be independent...except when it comes to entertaining and caring for his own kids alone.

Ha. Yeah. Sounds good doesn't it?

Zerrin13 · 12/04/2023 20:07

You were right when you said the relationship is going nowhere