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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why is saying no politely not enough?

151 replies

Wilberry · 12/04/2023 14:43

I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable right now. Partner moved out a while back as he decided he needed 'space' and to be independent, he'd basically moved into my home 2 and a half years ago, and for a few months we'd been arguing as I work full time and I was also doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, everything.

When he lived with me his kids came here when he had them and I was ok with this arrangement, but he is a total Disney dad, and his youngest DD acts like his wife, the other two kids may as well not exist and it used to rile me. Youngest DD is very manipulative and the relationship between them to me is a bit wierd, she gets what she wants when she wants or else all hell breaks loose, she's badly behaved and will jump on my sofas etc but when I said to her please don't do that, we don't jump on sofas in this house (very politely and gently), I got told off by him because she started crying saying I was being mean to her.

So he moved into his own place, but wanted us to stay together, but he would be 'independent:, have his own place, care for his kids and whatever else (not really turning out that way but that's another story). For the last week I've barely had anything from him in terms of communication, he blew me off to see his mates instead of spending our child free weekend with me, but now he thinks that as his kids are on holiday and with him that they can all come and stay at my house. I've said no, I'm busy with work, I work at home so I don't really want his kids there running around screaming and shouting, I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere, but he's quite narcissistic and everything is so over dramatised and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt. I also don't see why I should have to pay to feed them, wash their clothes, shower them and whatever else when he doesn't contribute to my household anymore. I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications, but I'm being bombarded asking if they can come here, AIBU?

OP posts:
meganorks · 12/04/2023 20:16

So he wants his space except when he has his kids, who you can help look after. He can absolutely do one!

Murdoch1949 · 13/04/2023 05:32

You've decided that the relationship is going nowhere, so don't continue to interact with his children.

Bagwyllydiart · 13/04/2023 06:19

Starseeking · 12/04/2023 18:23

Say no and block him. Life's too short for putting up with this sort of nonsense.

Don’t forget to change the locks, just in case.

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 08:57

any update op? @Wilberry

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 13/04/2023 09:12

Take him at his word - he wants his own space, so let him have his space. In his house.

FinallyHere · 13/04/2023 09:20

and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt.

There is nothing that you have described they suggests it is reasonable for you to trample all over your boundaries. Why would you take any notice of his opinion. It doesn't justify being taken seriously.

Certainly don't have his DC to. Idiot when you are busy. Certainly don't have badly behaved children to visit anytime.

Honestly, well done in getting him to move out. Why are you giving him any time and attention? Save those for people who value you and treat you well.

Do not give people power over you by giving in to their attempts to get you to do anything you don't want to do.

A decent man would not ask you a second time. He is not a decent man. I'm sure you know that. Sorry.

JMSA · 13/04/2023 09:22

Can't you just finish the relationship?
Two birds, one stone.

Oblomov23 · 13/04/2023 09:49

Just say No. Final answer. Please don't ask again.

zingally · 13/04/2023 10:09

Fuck that.

Sounds like he already knew the relationship was nearing its end when he moved out. And you didn't exactly mourn his absence I'm guessing.

Take it as the blessing it is, and make it permanent.

billy1966 · 13/04/2023 10:14

He's a complete user and a CF.

Bin and block.

Why on earth would you want his children at your house?

He wants his skivvy for the childrens holidays.

Why on earth have you put up with this loser.

Don't engage any further.

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 13/04/2023 14:19

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 08:57

any update op? @Wilberry

Nope, she's a "one-hit wonder"

We will sadly not seen her like around these parts again

JudgeRudy · 13/04/2023 14:44

I'd be calling time on this. He's moved out and back tracked on the level of committment/sharing/investment towards your relationship. He wanted me/alone time. Well tell him he was right, things are so much easier now and you love your new life. Tell him you've thought about the good and the tedious parts of relationships in general and you've decided that you just want the dating fun part and are done with the domestic drudgery. If he's happy to fullfill that vacancy that'd be ideal because you love going out with him, talking with and sleeping with him, but if he's looking for more, you understand if he wants to find someone new who's perhaps looking for more of a family life.

sueelleker · 13/04/2023 18:33

EveryWitchWaybutLoose · 13/04/2023 09:12

Take him at his word - he wants his own space, so let him have his space. In his house.

Reminds me of the lyrics to "Need A Little Time" by The Beautiful South!

Thesharkradar · 13/04/2023 18:40

but if he's looking for more, you understand if he wants to find someone new who's perhaps looking for more of a family life
hehe, imagine the look on his face when she calls his bluff
he's spent ages working on OP to get her to do childcare for him and it was all for nothing, 'er weren't as green as 'er were cabbage looking😂

Wilberry · 23/04/2023 19:56

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in updating you. Firstly I'd like to say thanks for all of your thoughts and advice. So I told him as he moved out and reverted our relationship to dating I simply felt that it wasn't appropriate to have the children around. I said that I'd been prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt so that he could try and step up and be the man I thought he could be in the beginning, but this hadn't happened and that I have no wish to continue the relationship and it was best that we both moved on. He's tried to message and call several times but I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, so thank you all for giving me the nudge to do what I knew deep down had to be done 👍

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 23/04/2023 20:01

You have done so well. Stay strong!

SeulementUneFois · 23/04/2023 20:05

Well done OP!

You're well rid of them - what a user!

martha4clark · 23/04/2023 20:36

Well done OP!

Nimbostratus100 · 23/04/2023 21:00

Wilberry · 23/04/2023 19:56

Hi everyone, sorry for the delay in updating you. Firstly I'd like to say thanks for all of your thoughts and advice. So I told him as he moved out and reverted our relationship to dating I simply felt that it wasn't appropriate to have the children around. I said that I'd been prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt so that he could try and step up and be the man I thought he could be in the beginning, but this hadn't happened and that I have no wish to continue the relationship and it was best that we both moved on. He's tried to message and call several times but I actually feel like a weight has been lifted, so thank you all for giving me the nudge to do what I knew deep down had to be done 👍

thanks for the update - I was wondering how you were - I am very glad to hear you feel like you have made the right decision. well done!

billy1966 · 23/04/2023 22:24

Well done OP 👏

What a user loser.

You are well rid of him.

No need to answer the phone or text from him further.

mainsfed · 23/04/2023 22:48

Loved this! Onwards and upwards OP! ☺️

MeridianB · 24/04/2023 06:01

Great update. Stay strong @Wilberry

Tessabelle74 · 24/04/2023 09:15

Way to go @Wilberry ! Very dignified response 💪

Eggseggseverywhere · 24/04/2023 09:21

You rock op!

CrikeyPeg · 24/04/2023 09:36

Very nicely worded. Well done @Wilberry.

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