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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why is saying no politely not enough?

151 replies

Wilberry · 12/04/2023 14:43

I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable right now. Partner moved out a while back as he decided he needed 'space' and to be independent, he'd basically moved into my home 2 and a half years ago, and for a few months we'd been arguing as I work full time and I was also doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, everything.

When he lived with me his kids came here when he had them and I was ok with this arrangement, but he is a total Disney dad, and his youngest DD acts like his wife, the other two kids may as well not exist and it used to rile me. Youngest DD is very manipulative and the relationship between them to me is a bit wierd, she gets what she wants when she wants or else all hell breaks loose, she's badly behaved and will jump on my sofas etc but when I said to her please don't do that, we don't jump on sofas in this house (very politely and gently), I got told off by him because she started crying saying I was being mean to her.

So he moved into his own place, but wanted us to stay together, but he would be 'independent:, have his own place, care for his kids and whatever else (not really turning out that way but that's another story). For the last week I've barely had anything from him in terms of communication, he blew me off to see his mates instead of spending our child free weekend with me, but now he thinks that as his kids are on holiday and with him that they can all come and stay at my house. I've said no, I'm busy with work, I work at home so I don't really want his kids there running around screaming and shouting, I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere, but he's quite narcissistic and everything is so over dramatised and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt. I also don't see why I should have to pay to feed them, wash their clothes, shower them and whatever else when he doesn't contribute to my household anymore. I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications, but I'm being bombarded asking if they can come here, AIBU?

OP posts:
Allshallbewell2021 · 12/04/2023 15:16

Wasting your time on this man and his life. Give yourself space to find a loving relationship with mutual respect; why put up with any less if you have the choice?

amiold · 12/04/2023 15:17

He's a Nob

Just say "you can't come round as I'm working and last time "jemimah" was jumping all other the furniture and you both got upset when I asked her not to."I'd also make plans to go out and add in the "plus I'm going out with Karen for dinner. I assumed as because you went out at the weekend and because you have the kids that I wouldn't be seeing you this week, sorry"

The audacity of some people.

oachkatzl · 12/04/2023 15:21

No, it doesn't work for me. I'm working from home and it's just not possible to have the children here. You'll have to make other arrangements.

And then dump him.

Rightsraptor · 12/04/2023 15:25

Your scenario, @SummaLuvin, isn't the same at all.

If your BiL & DS were to invite you and your DH somewhere and your DH just says a flat 'no', then it's a decision that affects you too - will you go alone? Is there some family row you don't know about? Etc etc.

In OP's case, its just her making a decision for herself. She's not spoiling anybody else's afternoon/weekend/evening. Apart from this narcissistic, lazy bf and his over-indulged children, of course. They all need to go. Quickly.

RealHousewifeofExhaustion · 12/04/2023 15:25

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 15:12

Who thinks YABU?!

Of course a polite no should be enough but he’s a bullying dick head so use this as the time to tell him it’s over, properly, finally, and you won’t be seeing him or his badly behaved kids again.

I admit I vote YABU when some questions are so ridiculously obvious. Just adds to the mix 😉

I just want to shout WHY ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE UNREASONABLE???

But I dont, I just vote YABU instead

Dustybarn · 12/04/2023 15:25

How about “No, you moved out, remember? Please stop pestering me - this relationship is over.”
And get the locks changed. Now that he has the kids he is missing the free board and lodging and cleaning service….

2bazookas · 12/04/2023 15:26

Well, you already know that in his family, saying no "politely and gently" gets you nowhere at all.

So say it to him louder, harder and ruder.

"NO. I will not host your children in MY HOME ever again because they are rude and badly behaved. They are not welcome here; they can't come. I am not their nanny, cook, cleaner, laundrymaid.

I WILL NOT debate this with you or the children. My home, my decision."

You know in your heart the relationship is over, dead in the water, you're done. But do please allow yourself the satisfaction of telling him why, and your voice being heard.

InsanityRocks · 12/04/2023 15:26

Please, please end this. He has made it much easier to do so by moving out already, so take this as a blessing from the universe and go all out to enjoy the rest of your life with only relationships that enhance your time on earth.

PyjamaFan · 12/04/2023 15:26

He's missing his free childcare and housework...

Tescoland · 12/04/2023 15:27

They sound like a bunch of people I could punch all day 😆

AllHopeandRainbows · 12/04/2023 15:30

Ewww yuck 🤢 he’s using you as a Nanny when he his kids and is wanting to be single the rest of the time.

Bin it 🚮

Suzi9989 · 12/04/2023 15:34

Don't need this problem and drama in your life!!

Inertia · 12/04/2023 15:34

Well , the reason he won’t take no for an answer is that he’s realised his free nannying service in free accommodation with free food for all his family is in danger of disappearing.

He has been taking advantage of you. Let him do his own parenting.

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 15:35

This relationship does not work.

Why are you both dragging out the inevitable.

misskatamari · 12/04/2023 15:38

Ugh yanbu but why are you still entertaining any sort of relationship with this man? Stop wasting your time on someone who doesn’t value you. Bin bin bin for him imo!

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2023 15:38

You really need to practice saying 'Fuck off you absolute wanker and take your ill-behaved brats with you!'.

That should do the trick.

RobinaHood · 12/04/2023 15:39

Saying 'no' once is enough. Don't engage with him again. And as a PP said, just end the relationship. You know it's not going anywhere. He only brings stress to your life.

TellHimDirectlyInDetail · 12/04/2023 15:39

Leave him. Really ask yourself why you have been putting up with this? Why haven't you walked away yet?

SeulementUneFois · 12/04/2023 15:41

Op
He is very likely to turn up with them anyway, and once they've gotten their foot in the door to emotionally blackmail you into letting them stay.
Make sure that your door is bolted, and ideally change the locks.

Fernticket · 12/04/2023 15:42

Deffo change the locks. Also get a bolt and a Ring Doorbell.

lightisnotwhite · 12/04/2023 15:42

Full confession I love the two house scenario. Especially when one or both if you has kids. I’ve not got the patience for blended families.

However it’s bollocjs that you are still expected to host his kids for the pleasure of a relationship with him. Remind him of why it works for you with the follow up that if it doesn’t work for him he is free to move on.

IncompleteSenten · 12/04/2023 15:43

He wants to be 'independant' aka do what the fuck he wants while also using you when he's got his kids.

Ha.

He must think you're as thick as mince.

lightisnotwhite · 12/04/2023 15:43

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2023 15:38

You really need to practice saying 'Fuck off you absolute wanker and take your ill-behaved brats with you!'.

That should do the trick.

Or this.😁

GCAcademic · 12/04/2023 15:44

What are you getting out of this relationship, exactly?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/04/2023 15:45

Oh yes, and definitely change the locks!

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