Why is saying no politely not enough?

[Wilberry]

I'm being made to feel like I'm being completely unreasonable right now. Partner moved out a while back as he decided he needed 'space' and to be independent, he'd basically moved into my home 2 and a half years ago, and for a few months we'd been arguing as I work full time and I was also doing everything around the house, cleaning, cooking, shopping, taking care of bills, everything.

When he lived with me his kids came here when he had them and I was ok with this arrangement, but he is a total Disney dad, and his youngest DD acts like his wife, the other two kids may as well not exist and it used to rile me. Youngest DD is very manipulative and the relationship between them to me is a bit wierd, she gets what she wants when she wants or else all hell breaks loose, she's badly behaved and will jump on my sofas etc but when I said to her please don't do that, we don't jump on sofas in this house (very politely and gently), I got told off by him because she started crying saying I was being mean to her.

So he moved into his own place, but wanted us to stay together, but he would be 'independent:, have his own place, care for his kids and whatever else (not really turning out that way but that's another story). For the last week I've barely had anything from him in terms of communication, he blew me off to see his mates instead of spending our child free weekend with me, but now he thinks that as his kids are on holiday and with him that they can all come and stay at my house. I've said no, I'm busy with work, I work at home so I don't really want his kids there running around screaming and shouting, I don't really want him there either as I've come to the conclusion the relationship is going nowhere, but he's quite narcissistic and everything is so over dramatised and I'm made to be the biggest b1txh ever and feel like dirt. I also don't see why I should have to pay to feed them, wash their clothes, shower them and whatever else when he doesn't contribute to my household anymore. I feel like saying no politely should be enough without having to give 20 justifications, but I'm being bombarded asking if they can come here, AIBU?

The short answer is that you’ve always been a doormat so he thinks he can do as he likes.

How is he to know that this time is different? Well you’ve got to stop staying no “politely” and be more forceful. Spell it out.

Please, please don't give in to him. The fact that he hasn't taken your first answer seriously and is trying to talk you round by deliberately making you feel like the bad guy should be a big enough reason in itself for you to ditch him.

The fact that you asked on here shows that you already know that, really, so be brave and tell him it's over now. Seriously, how can this relationship possibly go anywhere (anywhere that is good for you, that is) when he and his children show little or no respect for you?

YANBU. But you do need to get form with him. He's one cocklodging cheeky fucker. Wants his freedom to meet his pals, possibly shag around yet when he needs someone to sponge off he wants a temporary trip back to you. This useless father needs the little woman to run around after him and his offspring while she pays for that dubious pleasure. Fuck that with a spiky cactus. You can do so much better than him. Even a rampant rabbit with a dead battery would offer better companionship than him. Please get shot of this entitled dick shit.

He only wants to come to yours as it's too hard work for him having them at his!!

He has done you a huge favour by wanting to be "independent"... don't let him weasel his way back in.

Grey rock time.. every time he asks for a reason copy and paste back the same response....

No.

That doesn't work for me

I'm working.

Or whatever suits you - but you need to stop giving him so much headspace and detach from him.

Change the locks too

Never mind saying no to this particular example of him taking you for a mug. What on earth are you doing staying in a relationship with this man at all, given that he's 'a bit narcissistic', walks all over you and makes you 'feel like shit'?! Your bar is so low it's on the floor!

He sounds like a total prick and his kids like nightmares.

Why not end it entirely and be free of the whole shitshow?

Just mute him
Anything else you say he will try and talk you round
You owe him nothing
He owes you respect but you won't get it
End it, you can do better

This is a brilliant post.

Currently he still thinks you're a couple and therefore you want him and his kids around.

You don't. For valid sounding reasons imo.

So tell him those reasons and if you have had enough of the relationship you owe him an explanation and to end it.

FFS Op, just end it today.

I'd be telling him the 'No' included him.

The good news is that he's done the hard part by moving out.

The bad news is he's still a selfish arse.

You can end the relationship knowing that you are missing absolutely nothing and gaining everything.

Dump him by text, block him, change the locks, don't look back.

Stop responding to him if he isn't taking no for an answer. He is being unreasonable and trying to manipulate you.

Wow, either you are my cousin or my cousin is going through this exact same scenario right down to the detail about jumping on the sofas 🙈. He’s taking you for granted, stand your ground.

I'd love to know this too! You don't just invite yourself and your children to be guests in someone else's home. It's rude. Why would he even ask?

If your "DP" really wanted to spend time with you, the normal procedure would be for him to invite you to HIS home. Though it sounds like that wouldn't be particularly appealing to you anyway, given his history.

He doesn't live with you - how does he think he's being "independent" by bringing his kids to your house ?!

A variation on that theme is the slightly softer 'I'd prefer not to'.

It still says the same thing. The problem with JADE - that old justify, argue, defend, explain acronym - is that it immediately shifts from the finality of 'no' to the opening up of a negotiation. You start giving reasons as to why you are not willing to do a certain thing, and they will come back with counter reasons as to why you can/should capitulate to their will.

Might as well cut to the 'no' part right off the bat, and save both sides a lot of trouble. In terms of a relationship, the guy sounds a waste of investment anyway.

OP, YANBU. Time for Disney Dad to step up and look after his own kids.

op much as I agree with people about him, you also sound like you don’t like him OR his children (which is the bigger thing). Why would you even stay together?

Definitely dump this one- he is a user and isn’t even hiding it well!

I'm still trying to work out why you're with him! I'm not generally in the LTB camp, but nothing in your OP suggests that this is a relationship, let alone a relationship worth saving. It sounds crap, you sound miserable, seriously...what is the point?

Fuck being polite anymore. Just tell him to fuck off and have a few months of being single.

Why are you even in conversations with him?

He moved out, he doesn't contact you and goes out with mates instead, but now he needs childcare he's trying to guilt you into having his kids over? That's being domestic staff, not a girlfriend.

"No, DisneyDad, you and your children are no longer welcome here. THis relationship has come to an end. Pop the key through the letterbox nexty time you're passing."

WIshing you happiness in your CF-free life, OP!

I don't see what the dilemma is. The relationship is neither here nor there and sounds long dead. It doesn't sound like you want him or his kids. If you did want him you'd have to accept that he comes with kids and that brings a whole load of complications. It just doesn't sound like you want the hassle. That's up to you, but it needs to be a clean break.

You should be saying good riddance rather than worrying about how to say no politely. By what stretch of the imagination do you think you will ever have a fulfilling relationship with this entitled prat of a man?

Yeah, you're being treated like a mug, OP. He sounds awful.