Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil wants weekly night stays

163 replies

Abw96 · 12/04/2023 11:59

My baby is 8 months old, last week my mil had him for us for an over night stay while we went out. She’s now demanding to have him again this week and every Saturday night regular. How is best to approach this? I’m happy to have him stay at mil’s maybe once a month for an over night stay but I don’t want to leave him every weekend. Has anyone else experienced this situation

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 13/04/2023 09:27

ssd · 13/04/2023 08:23

Ahh, the world of mumsnet.

Probably what happened is MIL seen how you both had a nice night out and offered off the cuff, to have your baby regularly so you can both go out. Which you would have replied oh that would be nice but now and then would be fine, we'll let you know. Then everyone goes home and gets on with their lives.

But on mumsnet world, the MIL demands to have the baby regularly, the op is struck dumb and can't possibly answer her and asks strangers online what she should do..and of course this being mumsnet she's advised to go grey rock, keep away from her!!, thus breaking down any relationship with MIL she might have had.

Mumsnet world....doncha just love it..

Lol . Sounds about right .

Mischance · 13/04/2023 09:53

What did she actually say?

  • "It was lovely to have GC overnight and it all went well - I am delighted that you have both had a night out. I would be happy to do this again whenever needed, so if you want Saturday nights out just let me know - it would suit me fine.!" Or.....
  • " I want to have GC every Saturday night."
Isittimeformynapyet · 13/04/2023 09:53

StaunchMomma · 12/04/2023 17:50

'Thank you so much for having him/her last week. We are really grateful that you are happy to look after them overnight and loved the break. That said, I'm afraid we are just not happy with the concept of losing 50 plus nights a year with our baby. We understand that you enjoyed having them but we do also prefer to spend time together as a family. We are prepared to consider one night a month and special occasions but weekly is not something we are prepared to consider.'

Should this be signed "Yours faithfully" or "Yours sincerely"?

Meeko86 · 13/04/2023 10:00

I can understand thinking back up when my first was a baby that I may not have been keen on this, but now I have a 6 and nearly 5 year old I would love this opportunity!! So my advice would be careful how you approach it don’t shoot her down because further down the line you will realise how lucky you are to have a willing FREE baby sitter and you even get a lay in the next day honestly you are so lucky! However just need to carefully word it that you can’t commit to every Saturday as will have plans as a family at weekends but once a month would be amazing and if you need her for more you’ll let her know. Honestly for me and my husband this offer would be the dream of vourse we would just discuss so it works she has them Saturdays we need free time we are renovating our house so things get done 100 times quicker without the kids about!
just be very careful not to ruin the relationship as family childcare really is a god send!

Notamum12345577 · 13/04/2023 10:37

Abw96 · 12/04/2023 11:59

My baby is 8 months old, last week my mil had him for us for an over night stay while we went out. She’s now demanding to have him again this week and every Saturday night regular. How is best to approach this? I’m happy to have him stay at mil’s maybe once a month for an over night stay but I don’t want to leave him every weekend. Has anyone else experienced this situation

Take the offer, a night out every weekend?! 😁

Cornishclio · 13/04/2023 10:41

She can't demand it. Just say thanks for offer but once a week is too much. Agree what you are comfortable with. He is your baby but you might appreciate some respite especially later in as he gets older. We used to have our DGC once a fortnight when babies to give my DD and husband a nights sleep. Not so much now they are older

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 13/04/2023 11:06

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/04/2023 09:27

Asking to have an 8 month old baby overnight twice is not primarily offering care for a grandchild it’s about satisfying some desire of the MIL.

Saying no is not putting her in her place, it’s choosing what you want to do as a parent.

If the MIL refuses to offer other help going forward that is not the fault of the OP.

Whatever issue you have, best to deal with that, rather than load it onto the OP.

Show quote history

"satisfying some desire of the MIL."

A grandmother wanting to spend time with her grandchild is not some dark twisted desire.

I don't have any issues, thank you. It is unfortunate and short-sighted how some are encouraged to behave towards family members.

fleur89 · 13/04/2023 13:17

Meeko86 · 13/04/2023 10:00

I can understand thinking back up when my first was a baby that I may not have been keen on this, but now I have a 6 and nearly 5 year old I would love this opportunity!! So my advice would be careful how you approach it don’t shoot her down because further down the line you will realise how lucky you are to have a willing FREE baby sitter and you even get a lay in the next day honestly you are so lucky! However just need to carefully word it that you can’t commit to every Saturday as will have plans as a family at weekends but once a month would be amazing and if you need her for more you’ll let her know. Honestly for me and my husband this offer would be the dream of vourse we would just discuss so it works she has them Saturdays we need free time we are renovating our house so things get done 100 times quicker without the kids about!
just be very careful not to ruin the relationship as family childcare really is a god send!

100 percent agree

Liorae · 13/04/2023 13:29

StaunchMomma · 12/04/2023 17:50

'Thank you so much for having him/her last week. We are really grateful that you are happy to look after them overnight and loved the break. That said, I'm afraid we are just not happy with the concept of losing 50 plus nights a year with our baby. We understand that you enjoyed having them but we do also prefer to spend time together as a family. We are prepared to consider one night a month and special occasions but weekly is not something we are prepared to consider.'

Or instead of a long pompous speech, just have your partner say "Thanks mum but we don't need that yet".

Liorae · 13/04/2023 13:30

Collisionofus77 · 13/04/2023 00:37

Demanded? How?

I guarantee that question won't be answered.

ssd · 13/04/2023 13:31

Did the op come back at all??

Theelephantinthecastle · 13/04/2023 13:34

Meeko86 · 13/04/2023 10:00

I can understand thinking back up when my first was a baby that I may not have been keen on this, but now I have a 6 and nearly 5 year old I would love this opportunity!! So my advice would be careful how you approach it don’t shoot her down because further down the line you will realise how lucky you are to have a willing FREE baby sitter and you even get a lay in the next day honestly you are so lucky! However just need to carefully word it that you can’t commit to every Saturday as will have plans as a family at weekends but once a month would be amazing and if you need her for more you’ll let her know. Honestly for me and my husband this offer would be the dream of vourse we would just discuss so it works she has them Saturdays we need free time we are renovating our house so things get done 100 times quicker without the kids about!
just be very careful not to ruin the relationship as family childcare really is a god send!

This was exactly what I was going to say

sweeneytoddsrazor · 13/04/2023 13:38

I'd say no. She had her turn at parenting.

Try telling that to all the posters on the other thread who think parents are disgusting for not dropping everything to commit to regular childcare, especially the ones that trot out the no regular childcare then fuck off if you need any help when you are older brigade.

MrsMontyD · 13/04/2023 13:46

I agree with those saying don't get into a regular routine, not just with this with anything.

This is my standard advice for in laws, for example, if you regularly accept an invite for Sunday lunch, before you know it you'll be expected every Sunday and will have to excuse yourself whenever you want to do something else, I wouldn't even get into a first Sunday in the month arrangement, they soon become written in stone.

All things are best left as hoc, in my experience, so I would decline the offer of a weekly overnight but confirm that next time you're going out she'll be asked.

JSov · 13/04/2023 18:20

Your husband needs to talk to his mum and tell her that you appreciate her support and willingness to help but that you won’t be handing over your son to her whenever she demands because she’s his grandson not her son.

no doubt this type of behaviour has happened because your husband is already very soft with her so she knows she can behave this way with you and he won’t do much?

azlazee1 · 14/04/2023 18:25

You say no. You explain how much you appreciate her helping out and keeping the baby when you need her to, but otherwise the baby stays with you and DH. Do not let her try to guilt you into giving in - her request is unreasonable.

restingbitchface30 · 14/04/2023 18:28

Just say no. However I wish someone would have my 8 mo twins for me overnight!

wentworthinmate · 14/04/2023 18:30

Dontbelieveaword · 12/04/2023 12:01

Yeah, of course you can just say no. I really can't see how someone can 'demand' to have your child and you have to ask MN if it's OK to refuse. Bizarre

Exactly. I just don’t get people who can’t say no to something so simple. But… when my son was little (he’s 26 now) I would have jumped all over this!!

Redglitter · 14/04/2023 21:04

Is it just me or is there a growing trend where people post an OP that gets folk riled up but never return. If you go to the bother of posting on here would you not reply at least once

Lovely13 · 14/04/2023 21:37

Did she really demand this? If so, you and husband need to have a calm, assertive talk with her about how she speaks to you.

SunnySaturdayMorning · 14/04/2023 21:38

Absolutely not and if she actually did demand it then it wouldn’t be happening again at all.

Nobody demands and receives my child’s time.

cavalier · 14/04/2023 22:06

I’m a mother inlaw and I wouldn’t have the brass neck to do this or demand anything …believe me … start as you mean to go on … from experience I’m telling you tbis … This is your baby … and of course you appreciate any help offered but you must make boundaries..
My daughters in law would tell me where to go if I behaved like that

Daisybuttercup12345 · 14/04/2023 22:07

endofthelinefinally · 12/04/2023 12:04

Just say no, he is too young and you will reconsider once he is older.
Honestly, he isn't a toy or a pet for her entertainment.

I wouldn't say I'd reconsider when he is older.

Tourmalines · 14/04/2023 23:01

Dontcareforthehaters · 13/04/2023 03:52

What is with all of these out of touch, demanding MILs and partners that don't seem to be able to stand up to their own mothers?

I hope that I never come across as this sort of MIL.

Me too , I would never dream of making any such DEMANDS or so called self entitlements ! They just sound so bizarre and over the top . I don’t see my grandchild as mine that I can do ANYTHING with !! Moreover, I wouldn’t want to . But I do think some of these MIL posts are way over exaggerated! Surely they would have to be !! The eyes roll !

Confusion101 · 14/04/2023 23:21

Redglitter · 14/04/2023 21:04

Is it just me or is there a growing trend where people post an OP that gets folk riled up but never return. If you go to the bother of posting on here would you not reply at least once

It's driving me insane and seems to be getting worse!