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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mil wants weekly night stays

163 replies

Abw96 · 12/04/2023 11:59

My baby is 8 months old, last week my mil had him for us for an over night stay while we went out. She’s now demanding to have him again this week and every Saturday night regular. How is best to approach this? I’m happy to have him stay at mil’s maybe once a month for an over night stay but I don’t want to leave him every weekend. Has anyone else experienced this situation

OP posts:
Ktime · 13/04/2023 02:16

legalseagull · 12/04/2023 12:00

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks, but we like him being at home with us"

Perfect.

Do you even want her have to him once a month?! It’s not her right to demand anything.

Dontcareforthehaters · 13/04/2023 03:52

What is with all of these out of touch, demanding MILs and partners that don't seem to be able to stand up to their own mothers?

I hope that I never come across as this sort of MIL.

Fluckinghell · 13/04/2023 06:38

I can bet my next wage that your MIL isn't 'demanding' anything, she's probably just asked/suggested

No need to be dramatic

Also just say no

Riapia · 13/04/2023 06:53

Most MN demands probably turn out to be suggestions.

Elaina87 · 13/04/2023 07:16

I can never understand why Mils think they can make demands like this?! It's so weird and would honestly ring alarm bells to me! She's demanding is that right?! Or has she just asked...

Just be completely upfront and say no, he won't won't staying every weekend. Thank you for having him, we appreciated it but I don't want him to be away from us every weekend. That's that, no other explanation needed.

Thesehills · 13/04/2023 07:16

legalseagull · 12/04/2023 12:00

"Thanks for the offer, but no thanks, but we like him being at home with us"

This is how to handle it.

Straight forward no.

Time4achangeagain · 13/04/2023 07:18

firsttimemum1230 · 12/04/2023 15:19

My nephew did this basically at his nans(not my mum) and has the best bond with them now.

that being said I would probably get your husband to negotiate a little better like you said once a month or what not? If it was offered to me id probably say once every 2/3 weeks would do! It’s your baby your life and you say what goes but don’t turn down the help cause I’m sure your relationship with your husband will benefit aswell as both of your mental health as for me when my child is at the childminders I can breathe and feel like me!

This.
why are so many pps suggesting you he so rude: this woman has helped you out by babysitting and is likely to do so in future. It is also her grandson and she’d clearly like to build a relationship with him. Why not just thank her for her help and say you don’t feel comfortable with such regular stays but perhaps you can fix another one in, say, a month’s time. Doesbt commit you to anything regular but keeps the option open for both of you.

ZekeZeke · 13/04/2023 07:27

Let her down gently, no need to be blunt or rude.
You may welcome a break into the future, particularly if you have more children.
What does your DH think? Would he like more sleep/ child free nights?

redskylight · 13/04/2023 07:27

Riapia · 13/04/2023 06:53

Most MN demands probably turn out to be suggestions.

Yep. Same way as "confront" means "ask them about it" and "livid" generally means "mildly annoyed".

Obviously we don't have back story, but if MIL has been perfectly reasonable for 8 months and happily babysat when it suited OP, I do suspect "demand" might mean her saying "I'm very happy to look after the baby every week so you can go out".

RememberingGoodTimes · 13/04/2023 07:31

If you're not comfortable then a "thanks MIL, I really appreciate the offer but for now, I'd like to keep it a casual thing".

Your wants trump hers when it comes to your child.

FWIW - I think 8 months is way too young for your MILs arrangement wishes. The odd night if necessary but they're still vulnerable to SIDS, so personally, I'd like to be in control of nighttimes until that risk has vastly minimised. But that's just me, no judgement on other views.

Summerfun54321 · 13/04/2023 08:01

No need to say anything, this is for your DH to manage, it's his mum.

ememem84 · 13/04/2023 08:11

I think context is key here. You were happy for mil to have your dc overnight when you went out.

if she’s said “that’s it I’m having dc every Saturday night from now on” that’s one thing.

if it was “if you want to go out on a Saturday I’m happy to have dc overnight” that’s less demanding. Especially if the op was used to going out every Saturday (I have a friend who’s out every weekend).

if you asked her to have dc when you went out then she obviously thinks it’s ok

Buttercupmoon · 13/04/2023 08:11

Please don't burn these bridges yet free childcare is hard to come by and it is nice of her to offer. Maybe once a month? That way you can have a lie in.

Take this from someone with a totally disinterested mil. Take care of this relationship and it may flourish, put in boundaries but also be kind and take opportunities when they present themselves.

ssd · 13/04/2023 08:23

Ahh, the world of mumsnet.

Probably what happened is MIL seen how you both had a nice night out and offered off the cuff, to have your baby regularly so you can both go out. Which you would have replied oh that would be nice but now and then would be fine, we'll let you know. Then everyone goes home and gets on with their lives.

But on mumsnet world, the MIL demands to have the baby regularly, the op is struck dumb and can't possibly answer her and asks strangers online what she should do..and of course this being mumsnet she's advised to go grey rock, keep away from her!!, thus breaking down any relationship with MIL she might have had.

Mumsnet world....doncha just love it..

SeemsSoUnfair · 13/04/2023 08:29

"Demanding"? What did she actually say?

Jagoda · 13/04/2023 08:32

Well obviously you just say no thank you.

The fact you have had to post about it makes me wonder if DP/DH isn’t on side?

readingrocks · 13/04/2023 08:36

Just a different perspective. When ours were very young my MiL (retired trained nursery teacher) offered to come and care for them for a few nights so we could have a break. We bit her hand off but didn't think it through. When we returned we found that she had been overwhelmed, daughter #1 had a fever, and MiL never offered her help again. Ever. My advice would be keep it occasional because there is more chance of it lasting and becoming a really nice thing for her to do and you can all benefit. PS it rained the whole time we were away as well!

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 13/04/2023 09:16

That's right, put her in her place for daring to offer to care for her grandchild...and then when you have a second child and want her to care for the first, you'll be back on here crying that you have such an unhelpful MIL because she won't do any childcare for you.

Unless you have concerns about the quality of her care, never turn down free childcare. Having family that can care for your child is worth its weight in gold.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 13/04/2023 09:17

Just say you’re happy for him to go occasionally and are grateful for the support but don’t want to commit to every week!

Naunet · 13/04/2023 09:18

This isn’t even your problem to deal with, let your partner speak to her. I can’t imagine a dad alive would be posting this about their mil.

electriclight · 13/04/2023 09:19

What did she say exactly? Honestly can't imagine how a demand would even be phrased. Surely she suggested or asked if she could?

Either way, really obvious that you can say no.

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/04/2023 09:22

Hard no.

God knows what’s going on in her head, but that’s an extraordinary request.

ladydimitrescu · 13/04/2023 09:26

Fluckinghell · 13/04/2023 06:38

I can bet my next wage that your MIL isn't 'demanding' anything, she's probably just asked/suggested

No need to be dramatic

Also just say no

This

Luredbyapomegranate · 13/04/2023 09:27

PuttingOnTheKitsch · 13/04/2023 09:16

That's right, put her in her place for daring to offer to care for her grandchild...and then when you have a second child and want her to care for the first, you'll be back on here crying that you have such an unhelpful MIL because she won't do any childcare for you.

Unless you have concerns about the quality of her care, never turn down free childcare. Having family that can care for your child is worth its weight in gold.

Asking to have an 8 month old baby overnight twice is not primarily offering care for a grandchild it’s about satisfying some desire of the MIL.

Saying no is not putting her in her place, it’s choosing what you want to do as a parent.

If the MIL refuses to offer other help going forward that is not the fault of the OP.

Whatever issue you have, best to deal with that, rather than load it onto the OP.

Doubletroublemummy2 · 13/04/2023 09:27

How about. ' We are so grateful for your offer and to know how much you want to be there for us and him. I'm just not sure I'm ready to commit to a fixed arrangement on this just yet. Can we play it by ear and see how it develops?