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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC as well as our kids

114 replies

mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 07:58

Name changed as outing.
Massive backstory as to why BIL and future SIL don't like me due to my husband showing off when we were still dating. FSIL took it the wrong way thinking I was flirting with BIL.

Relationship has been strained despite me being civil but they make it obvious they don't like me whenever family events are on. FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly However I get the odd thank you or hello but he will only talk to me through my DH if that makes sense but will phrase it to both of us.
I've decided I can no longer be bothered and to just let them get over their problem with me. However I don't want them to see our kids when they can't even be bothered to be nice to me. I've said to DH he can carry on seeing them and their kids but I don't want to and neither will our girls.
MIL is upset but why should I always be the one to suck things up at the expense of my MH?
I know I haven't explained it properly but the atmosphere is awful.

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 12/04/2023 08:01

Why do they dislike you so much? What was the showing off? Could explain why.

If that’s how they make you feel, without knowing the back story, then I would be similar but hard to know if they are justified?

Were you flirting? Hard to mistake flirting so badly…

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 08:03

The back story doesn’t make sense. Why would your husband showing off make SIL think you were flirting with BIL?

But you’re right to step back from anyone who refuses to be civil to you, you’re right to keep your kids away from anyone who who’s rude to you and it’s nothing to do with MIL. What does DH think? Surely he doesn’t expect you or the DC to be around people who aren’t alright to you?

MrsBunnyEars · 12/04/2023 08:05

If your husband is happy to see his brother, I really don’t think you can ban him from including his kids in that. You do what works for you, but I don’t see why you need to drag others into it.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:12

Basically my husband sent him a pic of me and they thought it was me.
Trust me I do not fancy BIL in the slightest.
DH respects my decision. I'd never BU and say to stop him from seeing him as they get on.

We thought everything was fine until we invited them on holiday with us. They just refused to speak to me at all. I was rather unwell at the time too. FSIL was happy to ask after FIL when he hurt his arm at dinner but not.me after being bedridden for the day.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:13

The rest of Dh family are brilliant by the way.

OP posts:
JerseyRoyals · 12/04/2023 08:14

Your DH needs to expian that he was at fault in this situation and that he expects you to be apoloigised to. And he should apologise to you too.m

why on earth was he sending pcis of you... to boast or flirt? How old is he?

if that does not work then yes NC. Stuff them.

JerseyRoyals · 12/04/2023 08:15

Pls excuse typos. I have a cat on my keyboard.

Number0ne · 12/04/2023 08:16

Why did they think it was you? Surely a simple explanation from your DH would have fixed it? I don't see how stopping your kids from having a relationship with them will help.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:18

Apparently wasn't good enough the explanation 😕

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 08:20

What was the picture?! How long ago was this?

If DH is happy to see his brother by himself and for you and the DC to step back then that’s what you do. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Number0ne · 12/04/2023 08:20

It all sounds a bit odd. Why on earth would your DH be sending pics of you to his brother?

Xarrie · 12/04/2023 08:22

Why did they think you sent it? That would be very odd

Justinripley · 12/04/2023 08:22

Did your DP send a nude pic of you to his brother?!

name985 · 12/04/2023 08:24

I'm very confused!

Frozendaquiri · 12/04/2023 08:24

Leave the kids out of it FFS.

Thelastofbus · 12/04/2023 08:26

Very strange that they haven’t got over this one incident from years ago.

Still, I don’t think it’s fair to deny your kids a relationship with their cousins.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/04/2023 08:28

Frozendaquiri · 12/04/2023 08:24

Leave the kids out of it FFS.

That’s what she’s doing. Stopping the kids from spending time with petty adults who think it’s acceptable to be rude to her in front of her kids.

Chickychoccyegg · 12/04/2023 08:29

Surely it's up to dh if he wants his kids to have a relationship with his family or not, not you?
You can go nc and have nothing to do with them all you like, but the dc are yours and dhs, if my dh fell out with my family, I'd still be facilitating a relationship between my family and dc, regardless of what dh thought about it.

Testina · 12/04/2023 08:32

So your husband sent a sexual picture of you to his brother? (and you stayed with him? 🤮)

Why would BIL think it was from you?

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2023 08:35

Does it have to be NC? Can't you just not actively contact them but leave the situation with a bit of space to change?

Don't go on holiday with them, for sure. If your in laws start organising group holidays say unfortunately you don't feel you can do that. I did ten years of holidays with the in-laws and bloody hell I'm so glad that's far in the past now.

I've had weird experiences where someone just took against me and wouldn't talk to me and it was incredibly uncomfortable but eventually it just ended. Things change.

Likewise I had a huge falling out with a BIL - honestly one of the worst things that I've ever experienced - and officially we are now ok, but I will never voluntarily contact him again. It's ok with me if ds is in touch though. He does occasionally send a card etc to ds and I'm pleased. But apparently despite the fact that I'm such a terrible person, he can't be arsed to build more of a relationship with his brother's son even though the poor little thing is subjected to my parenting.

Set your own boundaries for what you can stand, but don't cut anything off formally or keep your children away from their family.

Testina · 12/04/2023 08:37

“FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly”

Or, FSIL has supportively backed her boyfriend (who has a mind of his own) in not getting too close to a woman that they think has sent nudes. Even if it was his brother not you, awkward as fuck for BIL to have seen that. So stop phrasing it like FSIL is some unreasonable jealous type.

Or are you going to cloak the thread in mystery but then claim it was a holiday shot of the two of you on a beach and you were wearing an ordinary bikini? Even so, if sent with the aim of showing off - your problem here is your dick of a husband treating you like a slab of meat.

The in laws aren’t your problem here 🤷🏻‍♀️

That MH problem you have… what else is your husband a dick about?

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:40

It wasn't nudes ffs it was just a nice picture of me

OP posts:
Albiboba · 12/04/2023 08:46

mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:40

It wasn't nudes ffs it was just a nice picture of me

But why? It’s so weird? And if this was the cause for all the fall out why isn’t your DH taking responsibility?

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 08:53

You cannot use your kids as a weapon and stop them from seeing their family.

You can go NC but your DH can take the kids to see them if they want to go with him.

It is not your decision.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:55

FSIL is an odd one. She shouts and speaks to bil like crap according to fil and on her best behaviour when at ils but faces like smacked arses when im there. Dh said sorry fil spoke to them and we took them out to dinner too.

OP posts:
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