To go NC as well as our kids

[mumofgirls87]

Name changed as outing.
Massive backstory as to why BIL and future SIL don't like me due to my husband showing off when we were still dating. FSIL took it the wrong way thinking I was flirting with BIL.

Relationship has been strained despite me being civil but they make it obvious they don't like me whenever family events are on. FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly However I get the odd thank you or hello but he will only talk to me through my DH if that makes sense but will phrase it to both of us.
I've decided I can no longer be bothered and to just let them get over their problem with me. However I don't want them to see our kids when they can't even be bothered to be nice to me. I've said to DH he can carry on seeing them and their kids but I don't want to and neither will our girls.
MIL is upset but why should I always be the one to suck things up at the expense of my MH?
I know I haven't explained it properly but the atmosphere is awful.

Yes they are but as I've explained if dh did anything he'd be the one in trouble. Bil has a nasty temper and dh knows when to back off but obviously the picture was too far. I can't express how many times we have said sorry both me and dh.

I think you are correct.

Step away with your children.

Your husband is disloyal in continuing to entertain his brother or his wife.

I think you have a low relationship bar that you tolerate your husband being so disloyal.

Tell your MIL that she can see your children at your home but you will no longer attend family events and be treated rudely.

Step away from this drama.

Your SIL sounds batshit.

Step away from it all.

Boundaries

The parents in law need to step out of trying to control their children's relationships with each other now.

There needs to be a whole lot less talking about people and gossiping - all this "so and so doesn't like so and so either".

You and DH need to discuss this sensibly with each other and agree on a joint plan of action. This sounds like DH will have to re-establish ground rules with his brother too. Somehow, he's caused this mess, and it hasn't been resolved.

By all means walk away. But also grow up, no more bitching or taking about people.

If you don't want to see them fine. You shouldn't be telling ur dh he can't let the kids see them and I'm assuming their cousins too.

WTF does the F in FSIL mean? Driving me mad! 😂

OP, I know you've tried to explan. But it just doesn't make sense as a reason why they don't like you. There has to be more to it. Did the brothers not get on before you were on the scene? Could it be as simple as that?

I still don’t get it, your DH sent a picture, seems like a total non issue unless it was done to stir the pot. The fact that you say your DH knows the picture was taking it too far and you have both apologised multiple times makes it seem like there is a lot more to this than you are letting on.

It all sounds extremely juvenile.

Have you tried just asking her, calmly and matter-of-factly, why she is ignoring you when you're actually in that situation and they're just talking to your husband?

Thank you for making sense of my posts.
It's no often they go round to ils as fsil family is more important. Bil has to appease his fiancée. Not allowed over Christmas day threatens him with not going boxing day and that's if their kids misbehave.
It's only the odd weekend we see them and things like new years day, Easter and a day out now. Ils could see how they were with me on holiday and have said they won't do that again as it wasn't fair on me or them.

I feel sorry for fsil in a way as she isn't well liked and ils think she trapped bil by getting pregnant young and the way she treats him.
Bil...kind of sad as we would get on well as we have the same sense of humour. But it is what it is. And I'm fed up of trying, thinking I'm getting somewhere with them when they can be bothered to be civil then to have it thrown back at me.

If I send a pic to my family, they know its from me as they have my number in their contacts. How on earth did your SIL assume that the photo was sent to her by you and not your DH? I dont get it

Basically my husband sent him a pic of me and they thought it was me.

This makes no sense OP.

Nope I promise that is it. I don't know what else I can do. She isn't the easiest person to talk to and I'd feel very uncomfortable asking her directly as I'd probably be made to think it was all in my head.

I have no idea.

@mumofgirls87 A few people have asked you what 'FSIL' means now, and I noticed you have answered posts after we've asked that, but not ours. Can you please tell us what it means? The best I can think of is Father's SIL. But that doesn't seem right.

Oh sorry I didn't see. Future sister in law they aren't married yet.

I hope I'm getting this right.

OP - YOU DH sent his brother a picture of her (that's when they were dating)

It was just a normal picure not nudes

DH's brother's wife thought and still thinks that it was OP that sent teh pic and not OP's DH.

Can't your BIL show his wife his phone with his brother's number and show her that it really was your DH that sent the pic?

If that was already done and she still doesn't want to believe then she's just a jealous insecure cow that needs to move on.

your DH sent his brother a picture of you*

This was explained 3 years ago when it happened. And yes you have it right.

FSIL is probably on Mumsnet, posted about the picture and was advised how to handle it...
Mistakes and misunderstandings happen, especially when we're constantly advised to "trust your gut", but frankly guts aren't always that clever! It must feel very unjust to you, that they've taken against you when you're not at fault.
HOWEVER, it is not reasonable to deny your children a relationship with their family if the children are being treated well. That is controlling, and leaves no room for the possibility that anyone here has made an error of judgement which might be recovered from. The Quaker saying is, always h hold in your heart the possibility that you might be mistaken.
I'd let DH take them to see his family, BUT be clear with him that if they criticise you in front of the children, that is a whole different matter.

Ah that's a good idea actually. Thank you 😊 they wouldn't dare in front of inlaws.

Why are people making shit up to try and justify the behaviour?

It's very simple.

Her DH sent a nice picture of her to his brother to show off his partner.

Brothers wife took offence and decided with no evidence that OP herself sent the photo. So now treat OP like crap.

I guess it's easy to decide there must be 100 other different narratives if you've never met batshit jealous people before - but sadly they do exist. They can also twist any situation into being a victim of some perceived slight and so trying to explain is futile.

OP just refuse to see them. I'd tell your DH you'd rather your children weren't exposed to people that have bullied you but sadly you'll need his support with this as you can't stop him.

Oh and STOP trying to make amends. It's what these people like. Everyone tiptoeing around them trying to appease them and them having the power because it'll never be enough.

Ok in that case there's nothing more you can do.

Just go NC if she continues to be nasty.

THANK YOU. I've screenshot this to remind myself.

There’s got to be more to it, did DH actually write something along the lines of you being hotter than FSIL? Because there is no logic in DH sending a photo, them thinking it’s from you and then thinking you’re flirting with him.

YABU to involve the kids in this but disengage yourself if it’s this confusing

THIS. The situation is quite simple. The short and end of it is SIL is jealous of OP. She's very insecure. It's not your fault OP.

Nope it was like look at my girlfriend heart eyes or whatever but nothing to say I'm better looking etc. I don't think I'm better than anyone.