To go NC as well as our kids

[mumofgirls87]

Name changed as outing.
Massive backstory as to why BIL and future SIL don't like me due to my husband showing off when we were still dating. FSIL took it the wrong way thinking I was flirting with BIL.

Relationship has been strained despite me being civil but they make it obvious they don't like me whenever family events are on. FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly However I get the odd thank you or hello but he will only talk to me through my DH if that makes sense but will phrase it to both of us.
I've decided I can no longer be bothered and to just let them get over their problem with me. However I don't want them to see our kids when they can't even be bothered to be nice to me. I've said to DH he can carry on seeing them and their kids but I don't want to and neither will our girls.
MIL is upset but why should I always be the one to suck things up at the expense of my MH?
I know I haven't explained it properly but the atmosphere is awful.

Honestly the only thing I can think of is that they preferred it when it was just bil, fsil and their kids. Dh and his other brothers had no girlfriends and the other 2 brothers still don't and they liked it when they got all the attention. When I first met her face to face she was rude and obviously in a strop...arms crossed and face like thunder.

I would actually take great joy in trying to talk to fsil. If she is rude just shows her to be the ass she is

I can't express how many times we have said sorry both me and dh

Not sure what you are apologising for, but stopping the kids from seeing each other is petty.

And your brother in law's future wife, is not your sister in law. She just your brother in law's wife, so you don't have to feel obligated to have a relationship because you think she's some kind of relation. She isn't.

I kind of relate. When I first met my husband's sister and her then boyfriend, (now DH), he loved me in a platonic way. Husband's sister really didn't like this and whatever happened, her boyfriend started being quite dickish to me. This has continued for many years and it isn't the whole story but this is what started it.

I don't see my sil or her husband unless completely unavoidable (weddings and funerals).

But, I like that my DCs still see her occasionally as she is their auntie and she is nice to them. She is more sensible now and I bet if we met now we wouldn't have had the same issues, but the damage is done now really.

My dcs will sometimes run into her and her DCs at PILs' house or they will get together for a walk in the woods with DH and his sister and her DCs or they will go to sil's house, but not very often. I don't have them at my house because of the history. We tried for years to get along, but it hasn't worked out. My DCs don't see the husband much as he works a lot, but I don't mind them being around him if he happens to be there. DH doesn't have much of a relationship with his sister, but that isn't down to me and I'm glad it isn't down to me as I'd feel terrible about that. She doesn't like me but in all honesty I'm not fond of her either so...meh.

So, if I were you I'd attempt to let the kids maintain a good relationship with her and any DCs they have if possible. But you certainly don't have to have a relationship with her. Men don't have this sort of pressure to participate in every in-law get together IME. You are allowed to opt out

So your husband sends a nice pic of you to his brother, "showing off" his new girlfriend.
Brother probably sees the pic, and says to his partner, "look, brother's new girlfriend is really hot / nice / pretty".
Sister in Law will now hate you FOR EVER. Not only is she not the only one any more, her boyfriend has also dared to say you look nice.
It's all her... and to do with her insecurities. She has probably made up the bit about thinking you sent it, to make her dislike seem justified.
You are not being unreasonable to want to avoid her as much as possible. I would just try to stay out of her way. (But would maybe be more flexible with regard to the kids, if they get on with their grandparents / cousins etc).

I think that's the problem. The damage has already been done.

I came back to ask if it was possible she felt her place in the family would be threatened. Her narrative will be secured by FIL etc all trying to tell her she's wrong. In her mind that proves to her you're the favourite.

If she is anything like people I've met like her before it'll wind her up more if when at family events DH says "oh no DW and kids couldn't make it. They are off doing X".

Best way to bother her is not to be bothered by her behaviour.

I gave up reading a few posts in. What a load of nonsensical drama.

I'd honestly forget the photo thing, because its really nothing. She got jealous and angry about it because she's very insecure. She knows that you didn't send it, because it's self explanatory it came from your husbands phone. Stop apologising for it. I went nc with my sil 10 years ago, because she was ignoring me too, only talking to me through my husband (her brother). I've known her for 23 years and she became a problem 13 years into it. I tried everything, being nicer, talking to her, inviting her over. But it never got better. I went no contact and I feel.better now. However it does mean that when we go to a family wedding/party, that she's there. It's obvious that she doesn't like me. My eldest has commented on how much she looks like she hates me. It's truly bizzare. I get how you feel and makes you look in front of your children. Personally I think its best to go nc, but be aware there will be times you see each other e.g. funerals/weddings etc.

Thank you 😊

Brother probably sees the pic, and says to his partner, "look, brother's new girlfriend is really hot / nice / pretty". Sister in Law will now hate you FOR EVER. Not only is she not the only one any more, her boyfriend has also dared to say you look nice. It's all her... and to do with her insecurities

Exactly this. You need to stop apologising, because you haven't done anything wrong so you have nothing to apologise for! Just back away. I don't think you necessarily need to go NC but you do not have to be best mates and go on holidays with them.

It does sound very juvenile, I can't believe the parents in law are intervening and having to call up their children to say stop winding one another up. It's so petty and embarrassing.

I can understand why you want not to see them, although I don't understand the back story. But why not let your dh arrange his own ant the children's contact with his family? You don't have to be involved.

But he must have been sending the pic to brag otherwise he doesn’t make sense. You said he was winding your husband up and in response he sent the photo. And that only works if DH is implying you are hotter than FSIL. Otherwise there would be nothing to brag about about.

If someone were winding me up and I angrily sent over a picture of my new car saying “well, look at my car”, it wouldn’t make sense if they had the same or a nicer car. It only makes sense if they have a crappy banger.

I think you’ve been vague because you’re being dishonest. Your BIL was winding your DH up so he sent a sexy (clothed) selfie to him bragging about that he had a hot girlfriend (implying SIL is not). SIL then probably spotted the selfie on his phone and went crazy assuming you were texting him behind her back. Your DH explained that he sent it “for no reason” which probably makes no sense to her in the way it makes no sense to half the thread. I think you should go NC with them because you and your DH sound awful and given how many horrible things you’ve said about SIL on this thread (she trapped him into pregnancy, your DH implies she’s ugly), she’s better off away from you both.

What does FSIL mean?

Hi future sister in law. I didn't say these things about her. In law's did. No one has said she's ugly. She isn't. I haven't been lying or hiding anything. I've realised from other posters that this is something I will just have to leave and let them get on with. I have told dh I will allow our kids to see them but any sniff of them slagging me off then that's it, no more.

And yet you stayed long enough to make a comment that was of use to no one...

😂

Oh goodness, how dare you have any self esteem? you must never think you are attractive or feel good about yourself, how intimidating for other people who aren't.
Tell everyone how ugly you are are and when they are happy you are not aware of being attractive they can tell you to stop being silly because you are beautiful and need to get some self esteem and confidence.

When my brother met his now partner I asked about her and he sent me a photo, and presumably the same thing happened here. I don’t think that’s a particularly unusual interaction between siblings.

I don’t think OP recognising that she looked attractive in said photo is some is some great crime, but then I don’t go for the faux modesty thing. Unfortunately SIL is insecure and saw the photo (did the brother show her, or did she go through his phone?), and reacted irrationally. Again, not unheard of. I once messaged someone on Facebook about something they had for sale, and got a weird response talking about how ‘hot’ I looked in my photo (a standard, fully clothed, non-posed profile photo). I didn’t reply. A week later I got a message request from a woman wanting to let me know she was going to ‘kick my head in’ for talking to her boyfriend. Some people are fucking batshit 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t bother with them OP. Let your husband deal with that if he’s so inclined.

I use to do the same with my sister. I'd send her pics of guys I was dating and she would do the same. it's not unusual at all 😂

The problem is if you avoid events where BIL & FSIL are, but DH & kids go, then it will just be you that is excluded from family parties.

Honestly OP, FSIL sounds batshit and borderline dangerous.

I wouldn’t be breathing the same air as her unless it was completely unavoidable I.E funeral.

If MIL gets upset that’s a shame but you need to protect yourself and your dc

Exactly! Thinking about it, when I met my now husband I sent photos of him to my best friend, and she did the same when she met hers. Totally normal.

As a whole, the entire family seem petty and pathetic. This silly game playing is probably pissing fsil off just as much and she hasn’t got time for it. Commenting that your DH will get told off is just embarrassing, he is an adult. You are acting like children and the fact his parents feel the need to tell people off shows that they are sick of it. Maybe they like the others more because they see them as badly treated by the rest of you, but you are still painting yourselves as victims. If I was fsil I would have backed off so far by now. Women don’t trap men by the way, he is an adult capable of making his own decisions.

Why was the photo sent, sounds very strange behaviour?
I can’t understand y yr partner didn’t clear it up straight away that it was him that sent the photo.
Not shocked she does like u but yr partner should clear that up.