Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go NC as well as our kids

114 replies

mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 07:58

Name changed as outing.
Massive backstory as to why BIL and future SIL don't like me due to my husband showing off when we were still dating. FSIL took it the wrong way thinking I was flirting with BIL.

Relationship has been strained despite me being civil but they make it obvious they don't like me whenever family events are on. FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly However I get the odd thank you or hello but he will only talk to me through my DH if that makes sense but will phrase it to both of us.
I've decided I can no longer be bothered and to just let them get over their problem with me. However I don't want them to see our kids when they can't even be bothered to be nice to me. I've said to DH he can carry on seeing them and their kids but I don't want to and neither will our girls.
MIL is upset but why should I always be the one to suck things up at the expense of my MH?
I know I haven't explained it properly but the atmosphere is awful.

OP posts:
SchoolTripDrama · 12/04/2023 08:56

So so confused Confused

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:57

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 08:53

You cannot use your kids as a weapon and stop them from seeing their family.

You can go NC but your DH can take the kids to see them if they want to go with him.

It is not your decision.

So my kids have learnt that their mum is allowed to be treated badly by them?

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2023 08:59

Or your kids have learned that adults have different personalities, fallings out, sometimes don't get on, and that they can have their own relationships with people?

HecticHedgehog · 12/04/2023 09:03

Surely it would be obvious who sent it in this day and age

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:04

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2023 08:59

Or your kids have learned that adults have different personalities, fallings out, sometimes don't get on, and that they can have their own relationships with people?

That's true but while they aren't talking then they are staying away. When they can talk I will allow them if they wish. Have already thought to say some people just don't get on and that's how life is sometimes.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:09

HecticHedgehog · 12/04/2023 09:03

Surely it would be obvious who sent it in this day and age

Was husband phone.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 12/04/2023 09:11

My sil stopped talking to me 3 years ago, it has never occurred to me to stop the kids from seeing her (mainly so they can see their cousins). SIL has a lot of issues and I know where they came from, so I haven't kicked off about her, I just feel sorry for DH who is caught in the middle.

Your fsil sounds pretty crazy too.

taleasolasgrime · 12/04/2023 09:13

Wait, you fell out with these people about this photo and you FIL 'spoke to them' about it? Why? Why would you need a parent to intervene?

You all sound about 12 and with horrible boundaries. Your DH sounds unhinged.

I'd not bother making an effort with them again but the creep in this situation is your DH so I'm baffled as to why you're not bothered by his behaviour.

taleasolasgrime · 12/04/2023 09:14

I don't understand why you went on holiday with them, either. Not the kind of thing I'd be doing while waiting for some weird, inappropriate beef to blow over.

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 12/04/2023 09:17

mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:04

That's true but while they aren't talking then they are staying away. When they can talk I will allow them if they wish. Have already thought to say some people just don't get on and that's how life is sometimes.

Show quote history

i think it’s also worth considering how you’d feel if the situation was reversed. If next week you husband has a huge falling out with a member of your family, feels disrespected, and so decides that your children can no longer visit that person/people until they’re old enough to ask, would you support it? If you would, fair enough. But if you’d expect to be able to keep visiting that person with the children (but without your husband), then it’s probably unfair that you get to unilaterally make the decision here.

WeeOrcadian · 12/04/2023 09:21

OP, your posts make less and less sense.
I cannot be the only person here who is confused AF

Surely your BIL could see that your DH sent the photo, not you.

It sounds like a shitshow

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:28

WeeOrcadian · 12/04/2023 09:21

OP, your posts make less and less sense.
I cannot be the only person here who is confused AF

Surely your BIL could see that your DH sent the photo, not you.

It sounds like a shitshow

I don't know how bil and FSILs brains work but yeah I know. I'd fully understand if I sent it from my phone and got bils number. 3 years I've put up with this.

OP posts:
WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:28

So your dh sent what I assume was a naked picture of you to his brother and pretended it was you. And then only backtracked. After things kicked off. And meanwhile your SIL is refusing to talk to you because you sent a naked picture of yourself to her husband.

Even if your DH had admitted that it was him, nobody in their right mind would believe it was true. I would assume he’d only said it was him to protect you especially as he stayed with you after you sent naked pictures to his brother. Iyswim.

Your dh is a stupid gaslighting prick, but I’m not sure your BIL and SIL are in the wrong to be upset given the circumstances. They have no reason to believe that it wasn’t you who sent the pictures, and every reason to believe that it was.

taleasolasgrime · 12/04/2023 09:33

The bit where you said your DH was "showing off" sending the "nice picture" of you. Do you think it's your attitude they don't like? I mean, you seem to have a pretty high opinion of yourself and that you are something to show off about?

smizing · 12/04/2023 09:34

WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:28

So your dh sent what I assume was a naked picture of you to his brother and pretended it was you. And then only backtracked. After things kicked off. And meanwhile your SIL is refusing to talk to you because you sent a naked picture of yourself to her husband.

Even if your DH had admitted that it was him, nobody in their right mind would believe it was true. I would assume he’d only said it was him to protect you especially as he stayed with you after you sent naked pictures to his brother. Iyswim.

Your dh is a stupid gaslighting prick, but I’m not sure your BIL and SIL are in the wrong to be upset given the circumstances. They have no reason to believe that it wasn’t you who sent the pictures, and every reason to believe that it was.

She already said it wasn't nudes so no need to assume.

@mumofgirls87 just go NC if you can't deal with it anymore. You SIL seems very insecure.

WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:35

I don't know how bil and FSILs brains work but yeah I know. I'd fully understand if I sent it from my phone and got bils number. 3 years I've put up with this.
OP I suspect your DH isn’t an innocent party in all this. I suspect that he told your BIL that it was you who sent the pictures, after BIL maybe asked him wtf he had sent those pictures for.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:35

Ils have to tiptoe around them as they are scared fsil will stop them seeing their grandchildren so we apologised and took them out to dinner etc. If this had been the other way around we would have been told to just get over it they said sorry that's it. Bil is first born and spoilt. Dhs other brothers do not like eldest brother or the fsil either. I have tried and put up with this for 3 years. Didn't get a thank you for her birthday present either.
Fsil also took it upon herself to wear black to our wedding and be miserable then too. I wasn't so fresh on the idea that they were there but its dhs brother and if she wasn't there he wouldn't have come and nor would their kids.

OP posts:
Mangogirl12 · 12/04/2023 09:40

What does FSIL stand for?

WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:40

She already said it wasn't nudes so no need to assume. well clearly they must have been compromising in some way or this wouldn’t have kicked off in the way it did.

The missing link here is clearly the DH, who has led his BIL to believe that you were sending pictures to flirt with him, there’s no other reason they would have concluded it was the OP who had sent the pictures.

And meanwhile the DH is wanting them to all go on holiday together, content in the fact that his brother and SIL are shutting the OP out. And now he’s happy for his DW to go NC with his family and so to be an outsider.

The BIL and SIL aren’t the ones at fault here, and if I were the OP I would be looking a bit more closely at what else the DH does to isolate her.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:41

I didn't want to reveal too much as it's outing but I have no choice. It was a picture of me in a nice dress that I'd taken using my phone (quite obvious in the mirror) that I sent to dh at the time my boyfriend. Bil enjoys winding dh up yet if we do the same he goes crying to mummy.
Dh was winding him up dh sent the pic something like look at my sexy gf and that's when it kicked off.

Bil has previously wound dh up for things like logging him out of accounts and changing passwords and we have to take it as good humour but if we ever did that to him he would get angry and we get parents on the phone telling us to stop it.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:43

WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:40

She already said it wasn't nudes so no need to assume. well clearly they must have been compromising in some way or this wouldn’t have kicked off in the way it did.

The missing link here is clearly the DH, who has led his BIL to believe that you were sending pictures to flirt with him, there’s no other reason they would have concluded it was the OP who had sent the pictures.

And meanwhile the DH is wanting them to all go on holiday together, content in the fact that his brother and SIL are shutting the OP out. And now he’s happy for his DW to go NC with his family and so to be an outsider.

The BIL and SIL aren’t the ones at fault here, and if I were the OP I would be looking a bit more closely at what else the DH does to isolate her.

Please read my response.
Also dh isn't happy but respects my wishes. He wishes they would grow up. My dh was silly back when we were dating but he isn't the villain you are all painting him to be.

OP posts:
WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:45

Well, either he’s deliberately isolating you, or his whole family, including him, belong in the playground.

Either way I’d be rethinking whether this is the kind of relationship you want your children to grow up in.

You can do better.

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 09:45

mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 08:57

So my kids have learnt that their mum is allowed to be treated badly by them?

Show quote history

No because you are choosing not to be treated like that.

They will see you being treated a certain way and see how you deal with it.

They will learn that they can have their own opinion and make their own choices about who they see.

They are a separate person to you and you cannot use them in this way.

ShowUs · 12/04/2023 09:47

I think BIL and DH sound so childish and you need to tell your DH to grow up.

Original poster
mumofgirls87 · 12/04/2023 09:48

WasIWasINot · 12/04/2023 09:45

Well, either he’s deliberately isolating you, or his whole family, including him, belong in the playground.

Either way I’d be rethinking whether this is the kind of relationship you want your children to grow up in.

You can do better.

Well that was my aibu. That I should or shouldn't have our kids exposed to them.

He is a brilliant husband and father in every way its just the bil and fsil that have been the problem. Yes it was silly of dh but he has grown up since. His parents and rest of family don't want to upset fsil as she will most likely stop them seeing their grandchildren so they have to keep her happy.

They are stuck in the middle of this. Yes they should speak up and stand up to bil and fsil but they fear losing their son and grandchildren.

OP posts: