To go NC as well as our kids

[mumofgirls87]

Name changed as outing.
Massive backstory as to why BIL and future SIL don't like me due to my husband showing off when we were still dating. FSIL took it the wrong way thinking I was flirting with BIL.

Relationship has been strained despite me being civil but they make it obvious they don't like me whenever family events are on. FSIL has obviously said to BIL to not talk to me directly However I get the odd thank you or hello but he will only talk to me through my DH if that makes sense but will phrase it to both of us.
I've decided I can no longer be bothered and to just let them get over their problem with me. However I don't want them to see our kids when they can't even be bothered to be nice to me. I've said to DH he can carry on seeing them and their kids but I don't want to and neither will our girls.
MIL is upset but why should I always be the one to suck things up at the expense of my MH?
I know I haven't explained it properly but the atmosphere is awful.

This all sounds pretty babyish tbh, on both sides.

I think you stole her thunder. She’s obviously jealous, controlling, insecure and immature. The fact that she was the “first” girlfriend and mum of grandkids and isn’t married yet is rather telling. I think BIL is cooling his heels for a reason. She’s nuts.

YABU. You all sound as bad as each other to me.

They really don’t. OP was just existing within proximity to SIL, and SIL decided to lose her shit over this fact.

If OP isn’t kindly disposed towards her due to this then it’s totally understandable tbh. If I was attacked and accused of things I didn’t do, out of nowhere, and this continued even after it was made obvious that I hadn’t done anything, then I wouldn’t be looking to make friends with the person doing it.

I’ve gone through this same situation as the child.

You and SIL’s issues are between you two, same with whatever issues the brothers have. Don’t involve the children in your drama. They deserve to know their family/cousins. Once they grow up they can be informed of the issues and make their own choices. It is beyond selfish to deprive your children from family as long as they’re treated well.

I'd understand if I'd been an utter cunt back to her but I really haven't. All those things said about her have been said by inlaws and grandmother's. Grandmother even said I don't know why he doesn't just walk when she'd said they weren't coming boxing day and bil phoned his mum upset.

I don't slag her off or him I don't join in on the slagging off I just keep my head down and stay quiet. Thankfully I've never been made to join in such conversations. I have told mil I will allow our children to see them but any start of them slating me then that's it. I have given them so many chances over the almost 4 years and I'm fed up of it. It makes me feel like shite and I'm sure they feel like shit when I'm there too. I told mil I think it's for the best I just stay away and let them get over their issues with me and perhaps after a good amount of time we can reconvene and see if we can be friendly.

Well the SIL is obviously a crackers jealous wreck so there’s no point in even trying to communicate with her(and I would be stopping the gifts that she doesn’t even thank you for)
I would be angry at my husband if he continued to be nice to a person who is so obviously nasty to you. Is he scared of them because that is weak behaviour?
I wouldn’t be having my kids anywhere near the nutter either.

Thank you. I explained to mil perhaps I had been angry and made haste decisions and that I will allow them there when their cousins are there.

I think this is it. They've been engaged for 10 years and are finally getting married this year. Although don't really want to go to their wedding when she decided to wear all black to mine. I got their kids involved with my niece and nephew too to give another olive branch. Had I had it my way I wouldn't have invited either of them but then that would have caused a huge fall out.
I dont think they'll be sad if I don't go to their wedding. I'm fully prepared to be sat at the toilet table lol.

@Foreignmumof2 I agree with you to a point.

If the two women don't particularly get along but can remain polite, then absolutely it is the best thing to have the children around each other.

But that isn't the case here.
Her SIL feels the need to be really rude and cause an atmosphere when they are together.

To such an extent that the OP no longer wants to continue to making an effort.

This is on the SIL and she clearly doesn't care if the cousins see each other.

Neither do the grandparents either.

If the grandparents did care they would ask that everyone remain polite and civil in their company.

But the grandparents care about themselves and what they want first.

I wouldn't send my children anywhere that I felt I couldn't go because someone felt the need to be so rude to me.

I wouldn't want my children to see me accept such treatment and for them to be around such an atmosphere.

If the grandparents offered to host the children without the parents that would be different.

Why is it on the OP to be put in self exile because her SIL is batshit.

The grandparents are responsible for this by allowing it to continue in their home.
Their priority is the other grandchildren.

Golden child dynamics.

This. I wouldn’t expose my kids to their toxicity.

Yes but this is what I also feel. I can't go back on what I said now but yes why should I have to be nice and accept it yet they can be nice to our children. If this was the other way around we would have been told to grow up and accept their apology and carry on but nooooo. Bil is golden child. Managed to get a free car off of them and get daddy to get up at 4 in the to take them to the airport. They are lazy in that respect. And when we are at get togethers they happily sit on their arses whilst I help mil and fil clear away. That is the only badmouthing I think of them. That they are entitled,grabby and lazy.

I’m not saying OP has to subject herself to the SIL (or is wrong for feeling how she feels).
But I don’t think the children should be alienated from their cousins over the actions of their parents.

Bearing in mind I’m speaking from personal experience where the women at odds couldn’t put their differences aside and the brothers each sided with their wives. Despite growing up in the same small town as my uncle and cousins, I can’t tell you how many of them I have or what their names/ages are. So from that perspective, I do think it’s selfish and I do resent my parents and uncle for not thinking of us amidst their feud.

Ultimately I do agree that the grandparents and brothers even should facilitate the relationship amongst the cousins.

OP,

Don't be silly.

YOU can change your mind at ANY time.

You really should consider some counselling to help with your self esteem.

These people, your husbands family, are NOT in charge of you.

At ANY time you can say "upon reflection....I don't think it is in my childrens best interests to be around this toxic dynamic".

Your husband is a twat.
He caused this situation and has allowed his brother and his wife to bully you.

You are so in denial about the concept of loyalty and decency within a marriage.

No good man would allow their wife be treated so badly by their whole family for something THEY did.

He sounds immature, weak and deeply unattractive in his character.

You deserve so much better.
So do your children.