Husband says he's 'very unsatisfied' with sex life

[ivfregret]

He says I don't make an effort. He feels like he has to persuade me for sex.

And example...

I asked him for a massage then we can have sex and used a timer purely because otherwise he will massage for 30 seconds then say he wants to have sex and I need warming up more.

He says our sex life very vanilla and feels functional as opposed to sexual and he feels like my housemate instead of DH.

Please don't want to hear LTB this is a genuine issue and I'd rather try and fix than walk away from my marriage.

Any suggestion please or been through similar anyone?

Is there much foreplay (for you) when you do do it?

A timer for the massage… no wonder it doesn’t feel spontaneous!

Has your sex life always been like this? Do you ask for a massage every time beforehand?

Is your dh correct on his perspectives ?

I couldn't think of anything worse than having a timer. ...well I could obviously but still !

I can recommend a therapist, private message me if you are considering that route. It helped me.

I wouldn't want to use a timer in my foreplay so I can imagine that's contributing. Also, is having a massage a typical lead up to sex for you both? Is there any other way to get things going?

Well how happy are you with it?

If you want a 30 minute massage you might want to pay a professional at a spa.

It's good he has told you a lot of men just get it elsewhere. If you want to make him happy I guess you can try and spice things up if you don't want to then he will carry on being unsatisfied up to you

have you discussed how you want your sex life to be?? Discussed fantasy’s what turns you both on. A 30 min massage seems very regimented maybe suggest for play like I would like to start out kissing then doing x y z I would like to try a new position.

do you flirt??

Do you massage him or do you initiate sex or is it all on him to initiate and warm you up each time? Are you vanilla? Basically, does he have a point? If so, was it always like this or has something changed? Do you fancy him? If you want to change things, then that last point is important. If you do, then there are plenty of books out there that can help out.

Tell him you're so glad he brought it up, as you're clearly unsatisfied too. Sex is a teamsport. He needs to make you happy too.

Does he get massaged or is it just you ?

It was a 7 minute massage purely because otherwise he will want to go into touching vagina straight away and it's too sudden for me.

I timed it because he will do it for a minute otherwise and say it's been 10

@Swingwhenyourewinning I'm a terrible flirt, always have been

Me too and I am a swinger but practice. It can feel cheesy at first but it really helps. Sex should be fun and if you are with your partner it’s a safe non judgemental zone

I think you should tell him what you want

A timed massage before sex sounds incredibly mood killing to be honest.

do you both make time for each other - listening, touching, things that aren't just sex.

do you enjoy the sex when you have it?

have you tried making an effort like he asks? sometimes it is useful to fake it until you make it.

How old is he? He sounds like a teenager!

Sounds like you both need to communicate more. Are there other things that turn you on or just the massage.

Well the timer and then sex is functional so he’s right there. Are you happy with your sex life?

Well it sounds like you aren’t happy either, so you need to have some honest conversations. I think a therapist would be really helpful. I see your issue but a timer for foreplay isn’t the answer.

This!!