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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband says he's 'very unsatisfied' with sex life

103 replies

ivfregret · 11/04/2023 22:21

He says I don't make an effort. He feels like he has to persuade me for sex.

And example...

I asked him for a massage then we can have sex and used a timer purely because otherwise he will massage for 30 seconds then say he wants to have sex and I need warming up more.

He says our sex life very vanilla and feels functional as opposed to sexual and he feels like my housemate instead of DH.

Please don't want to hear LTB this is a genuine issue and I'd rather try and fix than walk away from my marriage.

Any suggestion please or been through similar anyone?

OP posts:

AussiUnHomme · 11/04/2023 22:44

It does sound like you have a shit sex life.

BCBird · 11/04/2023 22:48

Sex should be fun. I think it good hevwas brought it up but the effort shoukd come from both parties. If u never initiate things,this could be an issue. It is nice to be wanted. What would you bit hike your selfie to like? I have bern in 2 relationships; the first one the sex was very boring for me ,but I didn't know any different the second one was much better because I was not prepared to put up with selfish sex again.. My second partner had been in an unsatisfying marriage for 25 plus years before he decided to leave- left before he met me. For both of us dialogue was the key. Talk,laugh and love trying new things.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/04/2023 22:50

Overcoming Sexual Problems Book - you can get it online. Better yet, go to Relate and see if you can have some couples counselling with a therapist who can help you both feel heard in terms of your wants. He wants to be more adventurous it seems, and you want more care and build up. That should not be impossible to find a compromise between. I would not want a timer set during sex, I have to say, but neither would I want someone to dive straight in groping my fanny. What is a problem though, is that he has presented it like it is your job to fix. If he is not happy, what is HE going to do differently to help with this?

BCBird · 11/04/2023 22:50

sorry about typos. It should read,what would you like your sex life to be like not selfie. Note to self,proof read my posts.

ManchesterGirl2 · 11/04/2023 22:51

He sounds a bit shit to me, he's not making the effort with foreplay to make it work for you. No wonder you're not keen.

JMSA · 11/04/2023 22:55

Well, do you think he's got a point?

It's not sounding great, I have to say.

StreamingCervix · 11/04/2023 23:00

How do you feel about your sex life?

have you enjoyed sex with him before? Have you enjoyed sex with other people before this relationship?

Itsmeagain2 · 11/04/2023 23:01

@Number0ne so does going straight to her genitals without even getting her in the mood.

And not to mention the fact that if a woman isn't feeling it and isn't wet enough it causes painful, non pleasuring sex.

DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 11/04/2023 23:02

You set a timer for a massage? I’d feel that was horribly perfunctory if I was on the receiving end of that. It doesn’t really bode well for spontaneous or enjoyable sex. Can you not communicate with him about what you like instead of making a point of where he’s going wrong, he might be more responsive that way?

sweetdreamstenasee · 11/04/2023 23:19

it seems like the message was delivered a little blunty and I hope you’re okay

some sex games (the card game types you can buy) or find some quizzes online, there are some where you can answer questions on your fantasies/kinks and gives you percentages, compare them to your husbands results, see where you have crossovers, make it fun. It could open up a conversation.

Youdoyoubabe · 11/04/2023 23:22

Explore tantric?

Mycathatesmecuddling · 11/04/2023 23:22

Sounds like you aren't happy with your swx life either if you are having to set a times to ensure adequate foreplay

Do you ever tell him honestly that you need more foreplay or does it feel functional to him because he doesnt understand why the timer has been introduced

Number0ne · 11/04/2023 23:22

@Itsmeagain2 correct. I didnt dispute that. But setting a bloody timer for a massage is not the way to get in the mood for sex surely!!

Zola1 · 11/04/2023 23:26

AussiUnHomme · 11/04/2023 22:44

It does sound like you have a shit sex life.

Agreed to be honest...the only time I say 'we can have sex if you do X' is when there's something I really don't want to do, and want him to do quickly instead 😂. Something boring like matching socks or whatever.
A 7 min massage sounds strict and boring, aren't there other ways for you to get things moving?

ETref · 11/04/2023 23:29

If my dh wanted a massage to get in the mood for sex every time then I'd probably lose the will to live tbh. But then I'm a "straight to touching the vagina" kind of gal 🤣

I think that different people have different attitudes towards sex and the two of you might just be complete opposites. Communication and compromise is what's needed here. Ask him what he wants your sex life to look like, tell him what you want your sex life to look like, and meet somewhere in the middle.

Original poster

ivfregret · 11/04/2023 23:31

sweetdreamstenasee · 11/04/2023 23:19

it seems like the message was delivered a little blunty and I hope you’re okay

Really good suggestion thank you

OP posts:

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 11/04/2023 23:36

I've seen timed massages recommended by couples therapists in magazines in articles about revamping sex life.

I can obviously see why he feels its restrictive but the underlying issue here seems to be that he's selfish in bed, a poor lover and a bit of a sex pest. Can also see that you're trying to find uncomplicated ways for him to be more giving and thoughtful.

Tbh I thibk you're on a hiding to nothing but given that you want to make it work and he seems as receptive as a barn door, I'd look at a couples therapist to help you meet in the middle.

Singapore4 · 11/04/2023 23:40

Didn't you massage each other OP? It sounds too formal.

maddening · 11/04/2023 23:41

So he wants more spontaneity but he is not attentive to you or your needs? I would say he needs to up his game also as opposed to just providing you with a feedback form.

flutterbyebaby · 11/04/2023 23:42

How's about suggesting an evening of just kissing and cuddling. Kissing is one of my big turn ons and can be so erotic

Murdoch1949 · 12/04/2023 00:24

He needs to improve his technique.

ItchycooParkCult · 12/04/2023 00:55

Has your sex life always been like this?
how often are you having sex? Intimate moments like cuddling etc? Time together where sex is not on the table?

if no what has changed? Kids? You’re doing the brunt of cleaning up his mess etc? Nothing sexier than washing skiddy mens boxers for example 🤢

how old are you? Peri menopause and menopause can mess with sex drive. As can other hormonal issues like PCOS etc. sex drive naturally ebbs and flows especially for women.

also the contraceptive pill or hormonal contraceptives in general can mess with the female sex drive. Would your husband have a vasectomy/has he? If you were willing to try coming of hormonal contraceptives

does he try to ‘warm you up’ through the day? Hugs, words that sort of thing or are you at the point he only does those because he’s horny? Does he bother with conversations around getting to know you or is it always kid focused? Or are you always servicing his needs his problems. His work. Making his food etc.

are you stressed or tired? Downtime can be really good for improving sec drive. So you don’t feel constantly ‘on’ for kids and horny husband etc. you need to be able to be yourself as an independent human.

when you say ‘vanilla’ I presume you mean you prefer the usual type of sex whereas your husband wants non-vanilla such as anal and everything else or more pornified sex? Has he always wanted this or is it a new thing? Does he watch porn/is he influenced by it?

the wider picture will help understand why he’s whinging and how to best help you improve things for you if you want to improve things.

Cantstandbullshitanymore · 12/04/2023 01:36

Whatkindofuckeryisthis · 11/04/2023 22:23

A timer for the massage… no wonder it doesn’t feel spontaneous!

While I agree it doesn’t feel spontaneous, I also get why she introduced it as I know men who just try to do the bare minimum foreplay and go straight to sex.

Work needs to be done to ensure they both understand their sexual needs and tbh it’s largely men who need to understand women need warming up and attention not just get hard and stick it in.

OatMilkLattes · 12/04/2023 01:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Previously banned poster.

Just what the OP wants to hear, how helpful.

OP I do understand, but as others have said, a timer can feel regimented.

Have you told him he rushes the warm up and it doesn’t work for you? Mostly these things can be worked out when they’re just spoken about openly and honestly!

There are some other good suggestions on here like therapy etc.

Original poster

ivfregret · 12/04/2023 19:09

Ok I would also like to know how long foreplay should last?

On average what do you guys think is normal?

OP posts:

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