Husband says he's 'very unsatisfied' with sex life

[ivfregret]

He says I don't make an effort. He feels like he has to persuade me for sex.

And example...

I asked him for a massage then we can have sex and used a timer purely because otherwise he will massage for 30 seconds then say he wants to have sex and I need warming up more.

He says our sex life very vanilla and feels functional as opposed to sexual and he feels like my housemate instead of DH.

Please don't want to hear LTB this is a genuine issue and I'd rather try and fix than walk away from my marriage.

Any suggestion please or been through similar anyone?

I wonder if your H has considered that one reason your sex life is unsatisfactory might be because he's a pretty shit lover?

What i'm saying OP is don't be surprised if he leaves you !

That's a bit of a rubbish thing to say to the OP.

Personally once my DH realised (took 12 years for us to get there) that doing more sensual stuff and using non-sexual stuff in sex/foreplay was actually, in some ways, better for me than the actual act of sex it changed things massively for him because he could see that I was more in to it, and that was a turn on for him. Just takes some open conversations, dialogue, and trying things out for each other. If her DH happens to be somebody that doesn't want to warm up their OH at all then tbh the sex sounds crappy for her.

How long does foreplay last? Well it depends what you count as foreplay - for us it's anywhere between 3 and 30 mins if you count it to the point of PIV. That would include a lot of kissing, rubbing, masturbating, oral (him to me mostly). I'll usually come once or twice before PIV. Sometimes I'll just want him in me so I'll tell him - he may playfully oblige me or playfully tease me and refuse but we easily check that the other is good with the way it's going. If I don't come during PIV (it's about 50/50) then he'll get me there with his hands or mouth after.

We're in our 50s now so it's only 2 or 3 times a month these days (life gets in the way and we're often too knackered) but we make the effort in between to say how much we still fancy each other and we kiss and hug daily. I really love him

So does a man who can't be bothered to do foreplay.

A timer? Talk about killing the moment...

Jump on him once a week for a quickie?

Sex and foreplay is a two way thing. What do you want him to do for you, what does he want you to do for him, what do you want to do for each other?

Ditch the timer, and get talking about what u both want.

Yep I mean no wonder he's thinking it's a bit "vanilla"
You sound completely incompatible to be honest why waste time on this?

Based on your other threads (I know, I know, but I remembered the username) is it possible sex has become less about the act and more about the function for you both?

You can't have good sex with a timer 🙄

If I wanted a shag and my partner put on a timer and said he'd only do it after a 7 minute massage, my Fanny would probably sew it's self up.

Is this every time??

Can you imagine the outrage if I man but a woman on a time for a blow job or something?

You both are really unhappy with your sex life & it's not really surprising given there appears to be zero decent foreplay. I don't think a timed massage counts.

Is he is poor, clueless lover or just a lazy, selfish one? The first is easier to fix.

Can you start by talking about what turns you both on, what turns you both off, what you would like more of, less off etc?

Do you both equally want to improve it?

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes it certainly has not helped.

Fertility issues has added to our sex mode problems yes

I think you both need to be honest about what makes you feel relaxed/loving towards each other.

A 30 second rub to get you in the mood and demands for sex other night wouldn't float my boat, I have to say.

Good question. When stressed I find sex to be just another bloody chore to get through.

@CatsAddictedToDreamies exactly how I feel I do not unwind really,

I'm always stressed about work it takes over.

But not a good enough excuse for DH

@ivfregret generally at least ten minutes

When you said about the timer, I was assuming 30 minutes, if he can’t proffer a seven minute massage, I assume he’s got no other foreplay skills?

I do like the idea of putting on a couple of songs though, it’s a bit more romantic and builds the mood!

Do you think he realises he is the problem? He is moaning about your attitude to sex, when his attitude to foreplay is the issue.
Maybe look on line for some good videos about the differences between how men and women get excited before sex.
Do you go on dates?

Hi OP, sounds rubbish. Have you explained to DH that the message is foreplay do you are wet enough/ sex isn’t painful for you?!

i wonder if he realised is foreplay and not just a chore he has to do to earn sex, if he might feel differently about it.

I wouldn’t want my DH touching my dry vagina either.

Problem is he seems bored sometimes in the foreplay which doesn't turn me on - so then I'm dry.

He swears he isn't bored and says he loves it - he doesn't show emotion very well generally

We use lubrication a lot of the time

I think it is worth having a very frank conversation about what you both feel you need to be more intimate with each other. Whilst he can say he wants to have things a bit more spontaneous he has to accept the fact that you need more time spent on foreplay.

🤣
Idiots!

Good question. When stressed I find sex to be just another bloody chore to get through.

Because he's not a good lover and you aren't getting your needs met. You'd want sex to de-stress if you knew it would be satisfying.

You poor thing! It seems that you have to ask for foreplay by calling it a massage and then even have to time it!

He obviously has no foreplay skills or understanding. I agree this appears to be the crux of the problem.

Some great ideas about how to talk about the issue. Hopefully once you have ironed out the issues and he starts to understand a bit more, the frequency will sort itself out.

Good luck, sounds like you are going to need it.