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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband says he's 'very unsatisfied' with sex life

103 replies

ivfregret · 11/04/2023 22:21

He says I don't make an effort. He feels like he has to persuade me for sex.

And example...

I asked him for a massage then we can have sex and used a timer purely because otherwise he will massage for 30 seconds then say he wants to have sex and I need warming up more.

He says our sex life very vanilla and feels functional as opposed to sexual and he feels like my housemate instead of DH.

Please don't want to hear LTB this is a genuine issue and I'd rather try and fix than walk away from my marriage.

Any suggestion please or been through similar anyone?

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 12/04/2023 19:15

It does sounds very transactional. Massage my whole body for 7 minutes then we may have two minutes of piv.

Then again like another poster I can go straight for it. I love a leg massage that basically a. Rouse for touching vagina 😂 like not straight it in but you know around it near it and what not.

Do you guys not do any other kind of foreplay other than the times massage?

Original poster
ivfregret · 12/04/2023 19:18

We don't generally do other foreplay. He locks oral sec but again, t nds to dive straight in,

We are now having this conversation to which he is saying I'm making it up as an excuse and he also thinks sex every other day is reasonable 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
DedicatedFollowerOfFashion84 · 12/04/2023 19:19

ivfregret · 12/04/2023 19:18

We don't generally do other foreplay. He locks oral sec but again, t nds to dive straight in,

We are now having this conversation to which he is saying I'm making it up as an excuse and he also thinks sex every other day is reasonable 🤦‍♀️

Is sex every other day not reasonable? 🤔

Original poster
ivfregret · 12/04/2023 19:20

It's way too much for me, I have a very demanding career do not have energy to have sex every other day

OP posts:
GoldenCagedBird · 12/04/2023 19:20

Do you actually come when you have sex?

OhmygodDont · 12/04/2023 19:20

As In giving you oral? I’m not sure what big build up to giving you oral would be. Maybe a bit of kissing and fondling but you don’t seem to like anything sexual being a build up for sex.

Summerhillsquare · 12/04/2023 19:22

He sounds absolutely dire in bed. Might be be open to improving his technique? Does he actually like and love you?

RocketPanda · 12/04/2023 19:25

Is he an equal partner in the home? Does he do his share of cooking/cleaning/mental load?

Sapphire387 · 12/04/2023 19:27

Are YOU satisfied with your sex life? Doesn't sound like it.

OhmygodDont · 12/04/2023 19:29

GoldenCagedBird · 12/04/2023 19:20

Do you actually come when you have sex?

Good question.

also op if you work a stressful job do you get chance to to just destress and unwind.

Datafan55 · 12/04/2023 19:33

You're getting some criticism here but i totally see why you've added the timer/massage in!

Beachbreak2411 · 12/04/2023 19:38

A timer sounds very militant! Could you not put some music on instead? So say 2 songs and you know yourself how long it’s been but the poor guy isn’t under a time pressure?

icelolly12 · 12/04/2023 19:42

A timer is a bit of a mood killer!

toodlesofoodles · 12/04/2023 19:42

ivfregret · 12/04/2023 19:09

Ok I would also like to know how long foreplay should last?

On average what do you guys think is normal?

Until you're in the mood and want to have sex. That could be 3 minutes or 30, you can't regimentally put a time on it.

What would you like the precursor to oral or him touching you vaginally? Kissing? Cuddling?

I feel like you both need to communicate what you need, not him just saying "this is x" without any suggestions on what he would like, he's just putting it all on you and that's not fair.

I will say though that a timed massage is the opposite of what would turn me on, if it's not turning him on then you need to find something together that is enjoyable for you both.

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2023 19:45

why do you want to stay with someone who just sees you as a defective sex doll?

Pudmyboy · 12/04/2023 19:46

Hubblebubble · 11/04/2023 22:29

Tell him you're so glad he brought it up, as you're clearly unsatisfied too. Sex is a teamsport. He needs to make you happy too.

This is excellent

Weatherwax13 · 12/04/2023 19:47

If you've reached a point where you feel you have to use a timer because DH is so perfunctory and selfish then things really are dire. If he can't even give you time and care around "vanilla" sex you're hardly going to be up for trying anything else. I certainly wouldn't be. Does he prioritise you in other aspects of your life?

WhatToDo2023 · 12/04/2023 19:51

I mean, he sounds awful. Treating you like a defective sex doll, whoever said that upthread, is spot on. Speaking from experience, sex won't improve until you find another man. I hated sex with my ex who, similarly, just wanted me to be some obedient pornstar and any requests for more foreplay were dismissed and every civil, calm conversation on the subject was focused on him needing more and me just somehow having to want more sex (but without him making any more effort).

Sex after my divorce was quite eye opening! Not every man out there is a sex pest, many do care about you being happy too!

Squanchhouse · 12/04/2023 19:53

Sounds awful. A timer?

Nothing says sexy time like timing a massage.

Maybe try initiating sex. Men love it.

Mochinated · 12/04/2023 19:59

Sounds awful. Sounds like he doesn't get you off and doesn't care either. Yuck. Presumably there are things that turn you on and as a partner he should be doing those things assuming that some of them he also enjoys or at least enjoys knowing he is turning you on.

philautia · 12/04/2023 19:59

Is he crap in bed? I'm asking as you don't seem to think that sex every other day is reasonable. We have sex every day (give or take) and it works for us. I work full time, have a child and I'm 34 weeks pregnant. We went through a dry spell years ago (both really busy, had a baby). We did all of the below things to get back on track.

Some tips:
Sleep naked;
Do things for each other (non sexual);
If you can't be spontaneous, find time in the day and stick to it, don't make excuses;
Make sure you orgasm at least once during foreplay, otherwise the sex doesn't happen (just start off doing this, he will learn if he hasn't already);
The more you do it, the more you want it;
If you're struggling to get in the mood, read erotic fiction and spend some time by yourself first;
If you work from home, use your lunch hour to be intimate;
Don't use sex as a weapon - ie don't withhold it because he didn't hoover the house - domestic issues should be separate from intimacy. Don't withhold as punishment

Frankola · 12/04/2023 19:59

I think the thing you need to work on first is communication. Have you told him you need more foreplay?

One little tip I have is try having a conversation where you each describe a particular fantasy or thing you'd like to do with each other. Then (if you both agree to) do it.

Another one is try sending the odd sexy text if you're feeling like you might be up for sex later. It can be quite exciting for you both.

I'd also chuck away the timer. I know you wanted to make a point but it would put me right off!

AlongCameBetsy · 12/04/2023 20:00

Do you like sex? With him, or in general?

I was married to a shit, selfish lover once. It was a symptom of much bigger problems in the relationship, but I can't believe I put up with no orgasms for so long.

Cheapcookies · 12/04/2023 20:06

A timed massage sounds like a massive mood kill.

Watching the program love, sex, and goop on netflix helped my DH understand more about what was more enjoyable for me in sex and foreplay. I'm quite a sensual person and honestly him diving straight in to touch my lady bits 2 seconds in is such a huge turn off and frankly not enjoyable, I need to warm up. By watching this program he was able to understand more about the sensual side of things and that THAT is actually more important to me than the act of sex, or can make or break the sex.

Don't get me wrong, I'll still have a quickie sometimes, but if we're having good sex then that stuff needs to happen first.

Maybe watch something like that, find out about your "sex personalities" (you can go to a sex therapist), he probably sees warming you up as a chore and doesn't realise that it makes the sex more enjoyable for you.

3BSHKATS · 12/04/2023 20:07

I am using online dating websites - I'm single and the number of men I speak to who have left loving family homes because they want "more" from sex would blow your mind. Like 99% of them. Their profile will say, non vanilla and if you press them on what that means they don't actually know, just not what they had at home in their marriage. Oh and lots of sex, every day Ideally.
They have walked away from everything for this fantasy life they think they'll find with a nymphomaniac 25 year old who wants a bald fat floppy cocked 50 year old.
What i'm saying OP is don't be surprised if he leaves you !