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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is very odd for a 8 year old to say?

143 replies

imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 20:24

Today DD8 said to my husband ‘Mummy is having an affair, she told me and she doesnt love you anymore’. DH was telling her no, she couldn’t eat another Easter egg and it was getting heated, DD has a bit of an issue with chocolate (doesn’t know when to stop) and had eaten enough.

DH knows i am not (I am not) and told her off for lying and saying something to try and hurt his feelings. I have also explained to her that its not nice to lie but also to say something like that but I cant stop thinking about it.

I have no idea why or how DD knows what an affair is and why she would say something like that with venom to one of us.

Should I be concerned? The lying to be spiteful is a bit worrying!

OP posts:
psychomath · 11/04/2023 23:31

Jourdain11 · 11/04/2023 21:44

When my DD2 and her pal were about 5, I remember them having a conversation overheard by me and friend's mum:

Friend: My daddy's in Hong Kong with his girlfriend. Mummy calls his girlfriend "the cow", but I think that's silly 'cause she doesn't have a tail.

DD: No, silly, "cow" is another way of saying a bad woman. Like BITCH or SLAG.

I don't know which of us (me or friend's mum) were more embarrassed!

Sorry but this is hilarious GrinGrinGrin I don't know which would be the most mortifying either!

Singularity82 · 11/04/2023 23:37

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 21:52

I have never heard a child say this!

Personally I do find it odd and saying such spiteful things (if untrue) that hurt people needs to be addressed.

At 8 I honestly think it's strange behaviour to make something up like that. My children are not perfect (neither am I) but none of them have ever made something up like that.

Show quote history

I agree. Shocked at how many people here are laughing it off or claiming it’s normal. My kids at 8 could be occasionally cheeky or naughty but not manipulative and spiteful. I think to tell a lie like this is really concerning. I’d be coming down on her like a ton of bricks. What if she lied like this about another adult and it was taken much further? Really concerning behaviour.

ClairDeLaLune · 11/04/2023 23:42

I don’t think this is odd or strange at all, or anything for you to be particularly concerned about. I reckon she saw something on TV or a video where a character told another character that their spouse was having an affair and the character was upset. It got lodged in her brain as something to say to upset someone. Then when your DH wouldn’t let her have more chocolate she wanted to upset him, so said the upsetting words. It doesn’t mean she knows what an affair is, just that she’s learning to use words as weapons. Talk to her. And ration chocolate!

CountingMareep · 12/04/2023 00:00

A friend’s DS (who was, much later, diagnosed with a form of ASD) came out with some choice phrases at this sort of age. One telling off from an inexperienced class teacher earned the reply ‘Keep your knickers on, love’ (my friend didn’t know whether to laugh or squirm), and more alarmingly, he used to talk about ‘rape’. I don’t think he knew what rape even was at that age; he was just trying to get a reaction.

MakeMineADouble81 · 12/04/2023 00:08

I have a 7 and 8 year old (albeit boys) and I don't think this would occur to them. I think you see should assess what they're hearing/seeing as this to me is the bigger issue than a love of chocolate.

Fercullen · 12/04/2023 07:15

Beamur · 11/04/2023 21:11

I think this is prime age for deliberate telling of tall tales in my experience. It's a language skill/emotional development.
She's picked this up from somewhere and maybe partly understands - enough to know it's a bit taboo and naughty!

Agree with this. I wouldn’t be too worried. She’s trying to get mum into trouble and the focus off her but her new skills are still developing!

RavenhairedRachel · 12/04/2023 18:09

She must have heard it somewhere and she's being spiteful. Don't let her have any chocolate or treats. That behavior needs nipping in the bud.

Zoomattheinn · 12/04/2023 18:29

I’m sure she is a lovely and delightful girl but I think you have a number of issues to address before you hit the early teenage years.
when it could be much trickier.

  1. The impulse control around chocolate. Hard for many of us but good to help her appreciate how treats work.
  2. The disobedience and talking back to Dad when he says “no”. She is old enough to obey parental rules. This should be non-negotiable.
  3. The lying. Good to nip this in the bud now.
  4. The hurtful and vindictive nature of the lie. It’s something that could get her into real trouble if she said it about a teacher, for example.
  5. The company she is keeping or the screens she has access to. Everyone is making assumptions about where she has heard this but you need to know for sure. I would be sitting down with your husband and agreeing on a joint approach. Then I think you should both sit down with DD and ask why she said what she did and where she heard the expression. I’d do this gently but I’d expect her to answer truthfully and I wouldn’t let it go until I knew. Then talk through what it means and why it is a particularly hurtful lie. I’d agree some set consequences for lying/ disobedience and explain them to her and get her to agree to them and then stick to it. I’d instigate some mum and daughter time on a regular basis for doing something she enjoys where she can open up to you about anything that is bothering her or anyone who is telling her inappropriate stuff. Good luck.
theblackradiator · 12/04/2023 18:33

MatildaTheCat · 11/04/2023 20:33

Is she watching stuff on screens that’s too old for her?

I remember saying something about someone‘having it off with the milkman’ when I was around that age. Had no idea what it meant but knew it was a bit edgy! This was over Sunday lunch with my granny there. I don’t think she was very impressed.

Give her her ration of chocolate in future and be clear that saying mean and inappropriate comments are not acceptable.

sorry but this made me laugh 🤣 can just picture your granny's face as you were all sat around the dinner table.
I remember a rhyme we used to say as kids back in the 80s. it was to the Teddy bears picnic tune and ended with "having it off with the milkman" and also contained other rude things, we just picked them up from hearing the older kids saying them.

mustgetoffmn · 12/04/2023 18:35

BertieBotts · 11/04/2023 20:30

No I wouldn't be worried. She's probably repeated something she's heard at school, read in a book or seen on TV.

It's just experimentation to see if it works to have the desired effect of hurting somebody. I'd totally ignore it and give it no power at all.

This. Maybe another child at school discussing their family situation it’s quite affecting amongst children when this happens and likely other child is angry and bewildered. Or she’s seen something on tv? I think you handled it well although I might have held back on telling off too much she could be feeling disturbed by this new information about adult stuff.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 18:45

I would put money on Jacqueline Wilson.

sadsack78 · 12/04/2023 18:47

Kids repeat all kinds of things they hear on TV shows, in songs, at school etc.

It just sounds like she was seriously pushing it and where a 3 year old might 'push it' with crying and stropping, she's of an age where she's beginning to figure out what she can come up with that hurts people and gets a reaction.

It sounds like you've handled it well- instate a punishment (withdrawal of treats) with minimal drama so she gets no reward of negative attention for her behaviour.

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 18:47

But IMHO the proper response to things like this it "Oh, don't be silly. Now, fancy beating me at Uno?" [insert game of choice]

nomoredriving · 12/04/2023 18:54

RudsyFarmer · 11/04/2023 20:35

Are you worried it’s actually your husband having the affair and she knows? What was his reaction like when she was saying that?

Always one on every thread!

What would you say if the DD had said it was the husband having the affair? You'd say she's telling the truth, he's been caught blah blah

No amount of him saying he wasn't would be good enough would it?

Singularity82 · 12/04/2023 18:56

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 18:47

But IMHO the proper response to things like this it "Oh, don't be silly. Now, fancy beating me at Uno?" [insert game of choice]

No way would I be rewarding such appalling behaviour with a game. She’s 8 not 3, she should know better.

DungballInADress · 12/04/2023 19:00

Agree with all the above, no chocolate in the house and chat about how lying to be spiteful is not OK.

When DS1 was about 6, i got a worried text asking if I was OK from a friend whose child was in DS1s class. Her child had come home very upset because DS1 had had something awful happen and it was very sad. Her child burst into tears and told her DS1 had announced to the class I had died. I had to have numerous awkward conversations with confused parents and teachers explaining that I was very much alive....

Messyhair321 · 12/04/2023 19:02

I don't think you should ban chocolate because this in itself could cause an issue with food. Punishing by using food is never a great idea.
Definitely ignore but those that are suggesting it's the chocolate, it's not necessarily that at all, could be that she's just testing the boundaries. Keep a close eye on this in the future. Monitor it. Could be a one off

CurlewKate · 12/04/2023 19:05

@Singularity82 She's trying to create a drama. It would be rewarding her behaviour to buy into it by telling a odd and chocolate bans. By just doing a tinkly little laugh (do Mumsnetters still do that?) and moving on you're not playing into her game.

Orangebadger · 12/04/2023 19:05

She's 8, she's not been spiteful! She has clearly heard something, has no idea what it really means, how many 8 year olds know what an affair is really? She's testing it where it's safe to test. Leave it and give it zero power. As for the chocolate, don't get rid of it, that just makes it worse as you are creating an issue. Limit it and stick to those limits.

MrsRickAstley · 12/04/2023 19:07

Deffo YouTube

GreenFritillary · 12/04/2023 19:08

I remember learning to lie. It was a dramatic leap forward in understanding that I was a separate person, and that if I did not give myself away, nobody could get inside my head and know what I was thinking. Children need to learn this: the only ones who cannot lie are disabled children. I realised that it was important not to lie to myself. So lying per se is not necessarily a bad thing, although then we have to go on to learn the value of truth and integrity, and that people with autonomy mostly do not need to lie.
When one of their friends is behaving badly or oddly, I ask children to imagine if they were doing that, what it might mean about how they were feeling. They become kinder as they learn empathy. I remember one telling me, 'B is my friend, she doesn't like me but she's my friend.' I asked how she could be his friend if she didn't like him, and he said, 'She's too unhappy at the moment to like anyone, but I'll go on being her friend and it'll be alright.' And it was.
Similarly I might say to your DD, as someone else on here said, that you and Dad had been wondering what she was feeling that made her say something so hurtful and spiteful - that you know she doesn't want to become that sort of person, so you want to help her understand why she did it so that she will not do something so nasty to anyone again.

Change2banon · 12/04/2023 19:09

MatildaTheCat · 11/04/2023 20:33

Is she watching stuff on screens that’s too old for her?

I remember saying something about someone‘having it off with the milkman’ when I was around that age. Had no idea what it meant but knew it was a bit edgy! This was over Sunday lunch with my granny there. I don’t think she was very impressed.

Give her her ration of chocolate in future and be clear that saying mean and inappropriate comments are not acceptable.

No need for the stuff being too old/inappropriate for her - even every single soap now are constantly talking about sex, showing couples going upstairs, mentioning quickies etc … then there’s the affairs they’re all having. I think this stuff is literally all over Tv all the time now, gone are the days of watershed 🤷🏻‍♀️

LadyEloise1 · 12/04/2023 19:11

Is she watching soaps - Coronation Street, Eastenders etc ?
I think they should be on after the watershed of 9pm.
They are, imo unsuitable for children.

Michellelovesizzy · 12/04/2023 19:16

I wouldn’t be worried kids say all sorts of stuff don’t think it means anything

Hmm1234 · 12/04/2023 19:16

How did your partner react? It sounds like he’s having the affair and she’s overheard something

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