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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is very odd for a 8 year old to say?

143 replies

imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 20:24

Today DD8 said to my husband ‘Mummy is having an affair, she told me and she doesnt love you anymore’. DH was telling her no, she couldn’t eat another Easter egg and it was getting heated, DD has a bit of an issue with chocolate (doesn’t know when to stop) and had eaten enough.

DH knows i am not (I am not) and told her off for lying and saying something to try and hurt his feelings. I have also explained to her that its not nice to lie but also to say something like that but I cant stop thinking about it.

I have no idea why or how DD knows what an affair is and why she would say something like that with venom to one of us.

Should I be concerned? The lying to be spiteful is a bit worrying!

OP posts:
Schnooze · 11/04/2023 21:06

My kids got an extreme punishment for lying but didn’t get a punishment for owning up. I made a big deal out of how important it was for them to be able to trust us (how they would feel if we lied etc) and vice versa.

AgrathaChristie · 11/04/2023 21:07

I agree with pp she’s heard it in school, on tv or from a friend.
When I was a teacher I had a parent ask me if I was ok one morning, she seemed very concerned. I asked why and her dc had told her that a police car had come to school the previous day and 2 policemen had taken me off in it. I reassured her this hadn’t happened to me yesterday or ever. Wishful thinking on her dc part maybe?

bellac11 · 11/04/2023 21:10

I think there is a lot of naivety on this thread about how much children pick up when they might understand the gist or feeling of something if not the intellectual facts of the thing.

And then repeat it either for fun or to get a reaction.

I would address it with her, but just the once and then move on, this shows you're not buying into the drama but equally you're going to hold her to account for making things up about people.

Beamur · 11/04/2023 21:11

I think this is prime age for deliberate telling of tall tales in my experience. It's a language skill/emotional development.
She's picked this up from somewhere and maybe partly understands - enough to know it's a bit taboo and naughty!

Easterfunbun · 11/04/2023 21:11

All this string pulling for a bit of extra chocolate 😂💕. Lol. Bless her.

Original poster
imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 21:14

ElleMD80 · 11/04/2023 21:02

Eight is about the age where they are old enough to learn how words can be weaponized. So, you can disregard this as just repeating something she overheard on tv but I don’t think you should. That was a very targeted thing to say to that specific person, and she said it with a very specific goal: either to get more chocolate but more likely to get mum into trouble.

Yes I think so too. I am concerned about the way she did it. She seems remorseful now but wont say where she heard the world affair or how she knows what it means.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 11/04/2023 21:16

CheriseNuland · 11/04/2023 20:28

I would not be letting any chocolate into the house for a while. It sounds like there’s the potential for an unhealthy relationship with food to develop.
There are plenty of other treats including nice fruit, activities etc.

It's easter for goodness sake, its not about bloody chocolate!

Climbles · 11/04/2023 21:16

She might not really know where she got it from. I think the main thing is that she learns quickly that this type of manipulation will not get her what she wants. You did the right thing to get rid of the chocolate.

Iwannatakearideonyourdiscostick · 11/04/2023 21:17

My guess is that she doesn't know what it means, OP - she's just heard it in the playground and knows that it's a "bad thing", so has come out with it, knowing that it's bad and hurtful in some way, but not knowing quite how or why. I'd tell her that it's wrong to make up stories about people because it can hurt them, and then move on.

Original poster
imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 21:17

AgrathaChristie · 11/04/2023 21:07

I agree with pp she’s heard it in school, on tv or from a friend.
When I was a teacher I had a parent ask me if I was ok one morning, she seemed very concerned. I asked why and her dc had told her that a police car had come to school the previous day and 2 policemen had taken me off in it. I reassured her this hadn’t happened to me yesterday or ever. Wishful thinking on her dc part maybe?

Thats brilliant!!!

OP posts:
Mammyloveswine · 11/04/2023 21:18

Has she seen soaps? My two would stay with my late mam and they watched the soaps with her.. I only found out when I heard my 4 year olds loudly shout "that's what you get for sleeping with my wife" and whacking his 6 year old brother Grin

JudgeRinderonTinder · 11/04/2023 21:20

I think kids know a lot more than parents give them credit for. She’s definitely not too young to have heard about affairs from TV or online. Some children’s shows aimed at that sort of age where the characters parents split. I don’t ever remember being quite as oblivious about life at 8 as some people on here seem to think, and I’m 33, a child of the 90s 🤣

However, it seemed very spiteful so yes you should nip that in the bud!

Original poster
imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 21:22

Mammyloveswine · 11/04/2023 21:18

Has she seen soaps? My two would stay with my late mam and they watched the soaps with her.. I only found out when I heard my 4 year olds loudly shout "that's what you get for sleeping with my wife" and whacking his 6 year old brother Grin

No to soaps, not really a thing for us. Great story though! Made me laugh!!

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 11/04/2023 21:24

That's cunning and she did it out of spite, I would be worried about the level of manipulation she immediately went to. She would be getting a huge telling off and no chocolate for a while if it was me.

scoobydoo1971 · 11/04/2023 21:25

My daughter used to come home from her friend's house around that age saying all sorts of inappropriate stuff. She would repeat things the adults in the home had said in front of her, although not directed at her. She just listened into adult conversations taking place around her. She knew all sorts of adult related matters, but didn't really understand what the terms mean. She would repeat words, and later ask me what they mean. I put an end to the friendship soon after, but I would guess the word 'affair' has come from another child, a TV show or similar. My son told me his friend's mother was having an affair when he was about 9 or 10. I was shocked that he even understood the term and asked him how he knew. He said when they played x-box together, he could hear the parents arguing in the background in between games and his friend was upset. They divorced soon after so I guess it was true.

user1473878824 · 11/04/2023 21:32

I don’t think her knowing what an affair is is a particularly big issues. It’s not like it’s anal sex or Alex Jones’ political views.

What would concern me a LOT is her being so vindictive and nasty. How would she feel if her best friend told her you didn’t love her any more just because she wasn’t doing what she wanted?

Eas1lyd1stracted · 11/04/2023 21:33

I think she's at the age where she is experimenting hurting with her words when she doesn't get her way. She knows what 'I don't love you' means and that it's quite hurtful and sad but won't understand the emotional impact. She probably doesn't know properly want an affair is and had copied a phrase she realised caused hurt. I would try not to be too punitive as her relationship with food needs some work and would be gentle and subtle about removing food from the house

Angelheart123 · 11/04/2023 21:34

I remember about the age of 9 or 10 talking at the kitchen table about two lovers being together and loving each other. I have no idea what I meant by that or where it had come from - maybe I read it in a magazine? All I know is, my mum was really shocked and angry with me, and said the term "lover" was completely inappropriate. I was upset, as I don't think I had really known what I meant by it. Obviously i don't know exactly why your daughter said what she did, but I just wanted to say that it could be innocent and it may be that she isn't really aware of what she is saying (as was the case with me!)

eatdrinkandbemerry · 11/04/2023 21:35

My daughter 8 told her dad " mum has a boyfriend who she texts as soon as you go to work everyday " because I said no to her.
Absolutely no idea why but she is autistic so does say stranger things sometimes.

Brokendaughter · 11/04/2023 21:35

My son broke my heart one day when I said some utterly trivial thing (can't remember what, something like don't forget to bring your cup to the kitchen) & he turned round & said in a terrified voice..

"What are you going to do to me?"

It floored me, I couldn't figure out where it had come from, but he sounded like he utterly believed I would do something terrible to him & I thought I must have done something dreadful to make him feel that way.

I actually ended up crying after he'd gone to bed, then when he said it again a few days later I was in bits trying to work out what on earth I could ever have done to make my child feel that way.

A few days later, he was watching SpongeBob when I heard Squidward say THAT EXACT LINE in the same heart wrenching voice.

I asked him why he was copying Squidward & he just shrugged & said he felt like it.
He thought it was a 'funny' voice.

I swear if I'd heard another kid say it to their parent I would have called SS because he sounded so fearful I was thinking of calling them on myself.

Mariposista · 11/04/2023 21:37

I wouldn’t be worried by her knowing about the term ‘affair’. You only need one smart arse in the playground who is allowed too much screen time who decides to treat the rest to a vocabulary lesson. But lying to hurt? That would worry me. Well down for coming down hard and removing all remaining chocolate.

Jourdain11 · 11/04/2023 21:38

She probably picked it up from a friend and she's trying it out to see what impact it has. When I was 8 or 9, the older kids at school used to get an afternoon snack (because they stayed longer) and me and my friend would hang around and beg for "food for the prostitutes". Wrong word! Eventually someone reported it to a teacher and they told us to stop saying it. But yeah, kids that age can say words without fully grasping the meaning. I don't think you need to launch investigations or ban chocolate forever.

Uurrjb · 11/04/2023 21:38

Ouch that’s quite a spiteful thing to say I would be surprised and hurt if one of mine said such a thing

Inamechangedforthis23 · 11/04/2023 21:38

Has she been reading the relationship boards? I would have just laughed and asked why that would mean she got more chocolate?

MayThe4th · 11/04/2023 21:40

If she has a friend whose parents have split up then that’s almost certainly where she’s heard the term.

The reality is that a lot of adults talk within hearing of kids without realising it. And a lot of parents can be bitter when splitting up and will say things, even to the kids, and kids talk about this stuff in general conversation because they have no inhibitions at that age.

My friend’s DSC told her that their mummy didn’t want another man because it had taken her long enough to get rid of the last one, and it took for him to start shagging (his words) her before she eventually got rid. He was three. They hadn’t got together as the result of the affair, but his ex was an incredibly bitter woman who ended up losing residency of the DC due to parental alienation.

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