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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this is very odd for a 8 year old to say?

143 replies

imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 20:24

Today DD8 said to my husband ‘Mummy is having an affair, she told me and she doesnt love you anymore’. DH was telling her no, she couldn’t eat another Easter egg and it was getting heated, DD has a bit of an issue with chocolate (doesn’t know when to stop) and had eaten enough.

DH knows i am not (I am not) and told her off for lying and saying something to try and hurt his feelings. I have also explained to her that its not nice to lie but also to say something like that but I cant stop thinking about it.

I have no idea why or how DD knows what an affair is and why she would say something like that with venom to one of us.

Should I be concerned? The lying to be spiteful is a bit worrying!

OP posts:

Jourdain11 · 11/04/2023 21:44

When my DD2 and her pal were about 5, I remember them having a conversation overheard by me and friend's mum:

Friend: My daddy's in Hong Kong with his girlfriend. Mummy calls his girlfriend "the cow", but I think that's silly 'cause she doesn't have a tail.

DD: No, silly, "cow" is another way of saying a bad woman. Like BITCH or SLAG.

I don't know which of us (me or friend's mum) were more embarrassed!

Justathrowawaycomment · 11/04/2023 21:47

NC for this.

I said the same when I was about 8 - except I claimed it was DF having the affair.

When questioned, I went on to say he was having the affair with Moira Stuart (the newsreader) because I didn't have any better answers.

I have no idea why I did it.

I wasn't an especially spiteful child. But I was quite an unhappy child (for no explicit reason, life was just a little turbulent, and I found being a child difficult).

iaapap · 11/04/2023 21:51

Once, me, dh, ds and dd were on a family day out. I was driving.

Dd aged 6 piped up:
Daddy, mummy is having an affair!

dh didn’t know what to say. I obviously knew I wasn’t having an affair so I said, oh who is the affair with? Dd answers with the name of an 80yo guy we know .

turns out she had overheard me saying what fabulous shape the guy was in and how amazing he was.

so kids seem to know what affairs are

Aaaaandbreathe · 11/04/2023 21:52

QuizzlyBears · 11/04/2023 20:34

My nephew is 8.5 and recently told my brother that ‘mummy is with her other boyfriend when she’s not with you.’ I think it’s fairly common - or certainly not anything to worry about, that’s for sure. I’d be limiting chocolate though!

I have never heard a child say this!

Personally I do find it odd and saying such spiteful things (if untrue) that hurt people needs to be addressed.

At 8 I honestly think it's strange behaviour to make something up like that. My children are not perfect (neither am I) but none of them have ever made something up like that.

ParkrunPlodder · 11/04/2023 21:54

I don’t think it is necessarily that spiteful. I think that’s applying adult emotions when children’s are different. Children don’t really truly feel empathy till around the age 12, I think. So it maybe more that her friend is struggling and that Is impacting your daughter and she’s threw it out there so see what impact it has in her own family in some way. I wouldn’t overly focus on her intent. I would focus more on her well-being. Most behaviour in arguments evolves trying to make the other person feel how you feel. So I would reflect back and ask her - say that her comment made you feel sad and hurt, is she feeling sad and upset? Is her friend and see where that takes you.

Jourdain11 · 11/04/2023 21:55

iaapap · 11/04/2023 21:51

Once, me, dh, ds and dd were on a family day out. I was driving.

Dd aged 6 piped up:
Daddy, mummy is having an affair!

dh didn’t know what to say. I obviously knew I wasn’t having an affair so I said, oh who is the affair with? Dd answers with the name of an 80yo guy we know .

turns out she had overheard me saying what fabulous shape the guy was in and how amazing he was.

so kids seem to know what affairs are

Haha, that reminds me of DS telling my husband, "Mum thinks Joe Biden is good looking!" I'd said that he looked good for his age. Apparently made DH feel better about getting grey hairs though!

ParistoMilan · 11/04/2023 22:00

Regardless of what it is she's said, she has said something that she knew she would be ver hurtful to try and get her own way and to upset you. She was deliberately nasty. I'd be dealing with that and she'd be loosing all of her Easter chocolate.

GrouchyKiwi · 11/04/2023 22:05

I don't think that finding out where she's heard it is the biggest issue, to be fair. I think it's more important that she understands such malicious spitefulness isn't on, and trying to hurt someone's feelings just to get what you want is horrible behaviour. She's definitely old enough to know the impact words can have.

Ballcactus · 11/04/2023 22:18

Also to remember that you can restrict what they consume media wise at home but they’re in a class of 30 at school. Large proportion with no restrictions at home, older siblings etc. it trickles through

ThreeRingCircus · 11/04/2023 22:19

When I was a similar age I told my mum I was going to be a lap dancer when I grew up! I remember it really clearly as she was SO angry with me and I was upset as I didn't actually know what a lap dancer was. I have no idea why I said it but I think in hindsight was testing the waters and pushing boundaries as although I didn't really know what the term meant, I knew it was something naughty.

I'd picked up the word from my friend at school, in hindsight I'm pretty sure she didn't know what a lap dancer was either!

Strawberrydelight78 · 11/04/2023 22:20

😂😂😂

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/04/2023 22:24

Kids are like sponges, she’s heard it on telly or whatever, understands it’s mean and is repeating it in the hope you’ll both get upset and she can quietly snaffle the chocolate.

She’s probably got a great career in politics ahead of her.

But I wouldn’t especially worry about it, kids do test boundaries.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/04/2023 22:30

Agree with the others, I would be she has a hazy idea of what an affair is if any - and bet she heard it at school either from a child whose parents have had one, or more likely, someone has watched Eastenders or something they should probably not have and talked about it on the playground. As for the manipulation and spite - I dont think either is unusual for a child not getting her way - she is pushing boundaries to try and get her way. So learning that there are consequences for that and losing what she wants is plenty enough. And a serious talk about not being spiteful and that this will not be tolerated in your house. I would not freak out about it though, I dont think it is that unusual.

sweetdreamstenasee · 11/04/2023 22:30

sadly it sounds likely something she might have overheard at school, from a child who has overheard their own parents.

Understand it might be worrying now but sure it’s nothing to be conferences about and you might even get a giggle out of it in a few years

nighthawk99 · 11/04/2023 22:34

imsoverytired83 · 11/04/2023 20:49

I definitely didn’t know what an affair was at 8! This is why i am so worried. But also, how she told a lie to try and upset DH

Chocolate does not turn people into nasty spiteful liars.

Bucketheadbucketbum · 11/04/2023 22:36

That's an extremely extremely odd thing for an 8 Yr old to do or even think of

Must be some toxic vibes flying around her

Giraffapuses · 11/04/2023 22:41

This thread is wild. Kids say stupid stuff all the time. She isn't spiteful or addicted yo chocolate. She's just eight.

I'd recommend not worrying about it at all. Check in that she's pkau, re iterate lying is bad then be amused.

PurplePlayhouse · 11/04/2023 22:51

I would be having words about the lying. A warning that any more lies would have firm consequences!

JerseyRoyals · 11/04/2023 22:53

strawberryjeans · 11/04/2023 20:32

If she’s old enough to say things like this she needs to understand the consequences. I’m shocked tbh! Maybe she’s heard it on TV?

My older DS said something spiteful and hurtful at about the same age. I was devastated. I think my reaction (total devastation and hurt) shocked him and he has never done anything like that again. he said that he had just thought of the nastiest thing he could possibly say at the time because I was taking away something he wanted (electronics).

I would make it clear that even if she is angry that trying to deliberately hurt people like that is completely unacceptable. She probably felt like she had no control at that time and was lashing out with something that she knew would hurt the most. Alot of people do that- even as adults. But it is worth talking to her about it and making it clear that this is not a behaviour to be repeated and that hurting with words and lies is as bad as hurting in other ways.

It's a learning process for her.

Supersimkin2 · 11/04/2023 23:01

Lying to be cruel needs dealing with.

kiabella · 11/04/2023 23:02

I'm confused as to why so many of us are blaming the chocolate here, it sounds to me like an age related response to a boundary. She's figuring out what pushes your buttons and your husband did a great job in laughing it off and sticking with the boundary. Taking chocolate away isn't going to stop her from pushing boundaries, if you take away chocolate you'll find there will be something else she will push back at.
It might be helpful to look at food neutrality and try and implement some of those conversations when you come into conflict over it again. (Not trying to preach but I find it genuinely really helpful with my DCs)

Saschka · 11/04/2023 23:04

Kids do repeat things they don’t fully understand to get a reaction - at a similar age, DBro told DM that “she looked like a tart” when she was getting ready for a night out with DF, because she had told him off for something earlier and he was pissed off and felt like being vindictive. He didn’t know what a tart was but knew it was a bad word for a lady who was dressed up. So he said it. He didn’t say it twice, he was not expecting the strength of reaction he got from DF.

Your DD has said something that she thinks will cause trouble between you and your DH. She doesn’t literally mean you are having sex with other men, she could just as easily have said you secretly told her your DH smells. It’s the shitstirring I’d be punishing her for, not the specifics of what she said.

Yazo · 11/04/2023 23:12

A kid in my son's class told him that my husband, his dad was having an affair. A nasty thing to say but the kid just said it to be mean. His parents are divorced so you just don't know what they know about relationships. Also not to underestimate Sam Smith, my kids (9 and 7) bloody obsessed with Unholy, they all sing it in the playground all the time before they heard it at home so are always talking about how she'd kick you out if she ever knew...dad going off for affairs. It's incredibly irritating! I wouldn't worry

Pertinentowl · 11/04/2023 23:14

My six year old has a glamorous older friend (eight and a half!) who scripts things on YouTube. It’s not.. bad, per se. But anything the friend says is the height of hilarity.

the one I can’t work out is definitely not from the friend was my 6yo suddenly shouting ‘I WILL NOT PAY TAXES’ followed by face planting into the grass.

whut. There’s no taxes in my country… so where.. where did she hear about them?

Jourdain11 · 11/04/2023 23:23

Yeah, basically, kid is annoyed because she didn't get chocolate, said something mean which she probably half or 3/4 understands to get a reaction. Best thing to do is dismiss at the time (which you did) and tell her (later) that it's not nice behaviour and that telling untruths can cause serious trouble. No need for all the psychological drama some seem to be recommending!

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