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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

16 Year Old Daughter sat on fathers knee. Disgusting?

464 replies

RedFlags1 · 11/04/2023 15:12

It was my birthday last month and I went round to my new partners house for a meal with my two daughters.

After dinner I sat in an arm chair in the sitting room and my 16 year old came in and sat on my knee and gave me a hug and said Happy Birthday Dad. She was on my knee for about 30 seconds.

My partner was moody all evening and then shocked me by saying that this was because my daughter had sat on my knee. She said that this was abnormal and disgusting, that she thought it completely inappropriate for an adult woman to sit on my knee.

She went on to say that this made her feel sick and about to faint.

I am stunned by this reaction to something that I see as completely natural and not at all controversial.

At home I will often sit on the sofa next to my girls (16, 20+, 20+++) and put my arm around them. I have never for one second thought this inappropriate, nor have they.

Can I ask, does anyone think that it is inappropriate behaviour or disgusting?

OP posts:
chelslurker · 11/04/2023 17:13

Abraxan · 11/04/2023 16:02

Not sure I really know the difference between sitting on someone's knee or on their lap. To me they mean the same thing. It's not like anyone actually sits just on someone's knees specifically.

Show quote history

Yes figuratively we say "lap" for both, but as above for obvious reasons there's a technical distinction between the actual area you literally sit on eg with DH and with Dad... Not sure we need to get into the specifics really

ZirihePevzig · 11/04/2023 17:14

There might be some backstory to this from partner's POV.

For a loving and decent bloke without any sexual fetishes, of course their 16 yo daughter can sit on his knee if she chooses to.

In some families, relationships between older men and younger women can be dangerous, toxic or abusive. Uncles and fathers may make teens and younger girls sit on their laps as a part of then taking an opportunity to rub their genitals against the child or try to finger the child's genitals. Your partner may have been a victim to such an incident herself, or know someone who was. From that trauma they may regard all opportunities where such a thing might potentially happen as an abusive situation.

I don't think it's actually a problem for a man who wouldn't dream of doing such a thing, but equally there's a responsibility on decent men to remember that the awful and abusive men do exist, and that it's not always easy for women and children to tell the difference between the good and the bad until it's too late. Therefore it's not always appropriate to do all the things that aren't actually a problem on the grounds that you are "one of the good guys" - because it makes it harder for there to be boundaries in place for the other kind of guy.

BraveGoldie · 11/04/2023 17:15

There are a lot of very stigmatising responses towards the girlfriend here. While I agree that what OP and his daughter did sounds normal and healthy, honestly the most likely reason for the girlfriend having this strong reaction is that she's triggered because she was abused as a child, even if she has not fully confronted her own experiences... It is very hard when you have been through this to not interpret stuff with that lens, especially, I think, if you haven't fully processed your own trauma.

Worth thinking about rather than just dismissing her as creepy/weird.

oakleaffy · 11/04/2023 17:15

Amantissima · 11/04/2023 15:24

She sounds as if she's sexualising your relationship with your teenage daughter AND views her as some kind of rival for your affection/intention.

This!
Massive 🚩 red fag.

chelslurker · 11/04/2023 17:15

@ZirihePevzig if she has such trauma in her background though, unless you really truly deeply love her, it sounds tiring to bring up your own teen daughters/ have your interaction with your daughters curtailed around her hyper-vigilance

Helpmymenopausalfanny · 11/04/2023 17:16

My 11 year old is huge and I get on his knee sometimes. 😂

FranksOcean · 11/04/2023 17:17

Christ she’d have a coronary if she saw me and my son (late 20s) We are aways giving big hugs and kisses and if we are having an emotional conversation we might even hold hands 😱, in public too 😱

oakleaffy · 11/04/2023 17:17

@RedFlags1 I knew a boy( we were both 16) he used to cuddle up next to his mum at 16 and snuggle into her.
I thought it a little odd.. But that was my problem.
🙂

Butchyrestingface · 11/04/2023 17:17

My partner was moody all evening and then shocked me by saying that this was because my daughter had sat on my knee. She said that this was abnormal and disgusting, that she thought it completely inappropriate for an adult woman to sit on my knee.

She went on to say that this made her feel sick and about to faint.

What did she say when you dumped her though, @RedFlags1 ?

WonderingWanda · 11/04/2023 17:18

InTheFutilityRoomEatingBiscuits · 11/04/2023 15:32

Moody all night, or upset all night?

My upbringing was not normal or healthy and I sometimes do not know what normal boundaries are. Sometimes someone does something entirely unremarkable that makes me react badly, because if it was done to me at that age it would have meant something traumatic. And I don’t know how to act. I might feel dizzy or sick or angry. I’m working on it. But sometimes things make me panicky that I cannot foresee happening and I have a reaction I do not expect.

maybe there is something else going on.

This is what I thought. Maybe she has a different experience of close contact with her father.

astarsheis · 11/04/2023 17:18

No inappropriate at all. DD is 25 and will still sit on her dad's knee and give him a massive hug and they will still cuddle up on the sofa and I do the same with our DS.
Like previous posters, I also find your partner's reaction very strange and probably born out of jealousy.
Makes me wonder what kind of relationship she had with her own dad.

FranksOcean · 11/04/2023 17:18

oakleaffy · 11/04/2023 17:15

This!
Massive 🚩 red fag.

Show quote history

This, she obviously can’t differentiate between normal love and affection

oakleaffy · 11/04/2023 17:19

FranksOcean · 11/04/2023 17:18

This, she obviously can’t differentiate between normal love and affection

Show quote history

That’s right.

AgentJohnson · 11/04/2023 17:20

That’s quite a severe reaction, If she isn’t normally a drama llama then maybe what happened is triggering for her.

Felixss · 11/04/2023 17:21

She sounds weird and jealous.

PrtScn · 11/04/2023 17:22

Your partner is weird and controlling. I used to sit on my dads knee regularly when I was in the pub and there were no seats left. God know what she'd make of that 😂

storminamooncup · 11/04/2023 17:22

reverse?

thecatsmeows · 11/04/2023 17:23

It was my mother who wouldn't allow me to show any physical affection towards my father - to be honest, I don't remember ever being hugged/kissed etc by either of them ever. I remember once when I was about 10 I got upset as my father was leaving to go back to his work abroad and my mother got very angry with me. However she was/is a narcissist with many many problems...I'm now very low contact with her.

Drfosters · 11/04/2023 17:26

I snuggle up with both of my parents still and I’m over 40! They are my parents. We love a good cuddle. I love seeing my teenage children piling onto my husband. You are setting a lovely example for a close family. I hope she continues to want a cuddle with her dad l. Who on earth would think that is weird? I mean if she was doing that to a stranger it would be but not the man who no doubt cradled her to sleep when she was a baby!

RosemaryAndTime · 11/04/2023 17:28

Her reaction is very strange........she felt faint

Suzi888 · 11/04/2023 17:30

Amantissima · 11/04/2023 15:24

She sounds as if she's sexualising your relationship with your teenage daughter AND views her as some kind of rival for your affection/intention.

Yes.
The partner is the odd one.

gkd1234 · 11/04/2023 17:31

You're her dad! You're allowed to hug and cuddle her even when she's 50! (my dad does me).
I think it's your partner's reaction which is weird here. Wondering if she doesn't have children of her own so doesn't completely understand parental love, or whether she sees your girls as rivals for your affection?

Survey99 · 11/04/2023 17:31

Very simply she is not the right partner for a man with daughters.

Best for everyone concerned, especially your dds, to end it now.

TakeMe2Insanity · 11/04/2023 17:33

Peppadog · 11/04/2023 15:23

This gives me the shivers, she is weird and disgusting not you. Get her out your life before she drives a wedge between you and your daughters

This!

LittleLegsKeepGoing · 11/04/2023 17:35

I didn't have a tactile relationship with my dad but I honestly don't see anything wrong with how you and your daughter interact.

Your partner has issues, I don't know what kind but I'd be wary of making a stronger commitment to her without you knowing a lot more about why she reacted that way.