Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I an unsupportive wife ?

131 replies

princessses · 10/04/2023 19:49

My H accused me of this. He said I expect him to be around the family when he has time off and that I don't let him get on with work he could be doing to enhance his career.

Apparently I don't know what it takes and he needs more space from us at weekends, so he can get on and progress career wise.

I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have found it pretty taxing with two small kids. He's hardly ever here, in the sense that I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own. H works 6 days a week. So he isn't here much. I've been really unwell this weekend and he's had to pick up the slack and basically do what I always do. He's falling to pieces and telling me I never give him a break to get on with his career stuff.

I go back to work soon and I'll still be running the show at home. I'm feeling pretty sad he thinks I'm sabotaging his success and I feel like he's basically saying I'm not functioning well enough.

OP posts:
Marchforward · 10/04/2023 19:51

Surely you know the answer to this.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 19:52

Marchforward · 10/04/2023 19:51

Surely you know the answer to this.

Seriously I don't.

OP posts:
Albiboba · 10/04/2023 19:52

Why is it your job to look after the kids a disproportionate amount of time so he can ‘focus’ on his career? Do you not get to focus on yours?
Did he ever want children because he doesn’t sound remotely involved in family life .

Lovingitallnow · 10/04/2023 19:52

What's the plan with your career? If you're putting all your eggs in one basket fair enough but if you're not by needs to be aware this needs to be a regular thing him stepping up and not just when you're sick.

Albiboba · 10/04/2023 19:53

princessses · 10/04/2023 19:52

Seriously I don't.

Show quote history

Really? It shocks you that this isn’t what most people would class as normal or reasonable?

I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own.

mbosnz · 10/04/2023 19:53

No, you have an unsupportive husband, and your children have a disengaged and disinterested father.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 19:55

@Albiboba well it's because of his work schedule that it's like that. But now even during his time off I'm being blamed for needing to much help at home. I think he'd rather we just got on with it and he pops in and out.

OP posts:
SpiritRanger · 10/04/2023 19:56

This is exactly why my partner and I have just broken up. His career is always more important than mine even though I'm higher earner. He needs to finish work and won't stop to deal with DC. I have to stop work to make them food, do homework, entertain or they will sit on their ipads. He then finishes work and goes and sit on the sofa of plays with them a bit in between watching tons of tik tok videos. I go back to finish off work and he moans that dinner is not ready. When I tried to set up we rotate days who does snacks care / whom finishes work, I was told I'm moany nagging cow who sabotages his career. I said enough is enough. I cannot live like that. Full time job, DC, pets, uni and the household to run while he relaxed on weekends or went out for drinks with his buds. I might as well be single and get every other weekend off! You are better than this, if he doesn't changes and you are not happy doing it all, it will never work

TrueScrumptious · 10/04/2023 19:58

He needs to pull his socks up sharpish or you need to break up. I doubt he will change, so I think you should look into separating.

Botw1 · 10/04/2023 19:59

When are you going to focus on your career?

Why are you doing all the work at home?

Nowthatlovehasperished · 10/04/2023 20:00

He shouldn't have had children if he wanted to prioritise his career. Ask him if he'd rather get divorced?

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 20:03

It's literally just because he's looked after them on his own this weekend. He can't handle it and is turning it around on me. Granted he doesn't have much time to himself, but neither do I.

OP posts:
Mycathatesmecuddling · 10/04/2023 20:06

Why is his career more important than yours?

As you are going back to work soon I would think this conversation is to set you up to make sure you know you are still expected to do everything and work

Ignorant cock

Cracklingfire1 · 10/04/2023 20:24

Did he want children? Will you going back to a career.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 20:28

Cracklingfire1 · 10/04/2023 20:24

Did he want children? Will you going back to a career.

Yes and yes.

OP posts:
TrueScrumptious · 10/04/2023 20:33

What’s the plan for when you go back to work?

MrsDoylesDoily · 10/04/2023 20:38

princessses · 10/04/2023 19:52

Seriously I don't.

Show quote history

I don't believe you.

I think you're probably just afraid to admit the truth about him/your relationship.

Understandable though when you have small kids.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 20:41

@MrsDoylesDoily well, he does make me question myself.

He says I don't know how good I have it and that makes me feel terrible. He says it's time to just get on with it and stop complaining about it all. It makes me question whether I'm the problem.

We know couples where the wife completely lets the husband take care of his career. She does everything to do with the kids 24/7 and the husband is always busy working on things. She would never even think to complain..

OP posts:
Tigger1895 · 10/04/2023 20:43

What is his career that takes up 6 days a week? I ask as it’ll help people to give the correct advice.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 20:43

princessses · 10/04/2023 20:41

@MrsDoylesDoily well, he does make me question myself.

He says I don't know how good I have it and that makes me feel terrible. He says it's time to just get on with it and stop complaining about it all. It makes me question whether I'm the problem.

We know couples where the wife completely lets the husband take care of his career. She does everything to do with the kids 24/7 and the husband is always busy working on things. She would never even think to complain..

I feel like I'm defective somehow, that I can't just do it all and I'm finding it hard and yes, I do complain and get frustrated.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 10/04/2023 20:47

OP, I was a stay at home parent, who facilitated DH's career (not entirely by choice, there was a long circuitous journey of interesting circumstances that led to this!)

I happily (enough) did the housework, the shopping, the lot - but when it came to parenting, as long as he was there, that was as much his job as my job. And he knew bloody well how good he had it, and appreciated it. When you agree to have children, you are agreeing to the personal sacrifices of having children - that is whether you are the 'breadwinner', or the lesser earning parent. You do not get to abdicate out of parenting.

CombatBarbie · 10/04/2023 20:53

You don't know how good you have it, yet he's stressed by having to take over whilst you are I'll..... So now because he's got a teeny tiny insight he won't admit he's wrong.

He sounds like a selfish pick. Parenthood is a team effort. What does he think is going to happen when you go back to work? What's the plan, who's doing drop off/pick up, who's starting dinner, who's doing night wakings etc etc.

Original poster
princessses · 10/04/2023 20:55

CombatBarbie · 10/04/2023 20:53

You don't know how good you have it, yet he's stressed by having to take over whilst you are I'll..... So now because he's got a teeny tiny insight he won't admit he's wrong.

He sounds like a selfish pick. Parenthood is a team effort. What does he think is going to happen when you go back to work? What's the plan, who's doing drop off/pick up, who's starting dinner, who's doing night wakings etc etc.

I'm doing everything

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 10/04/2023 21:07

Your husband wants a 1950s wife but, from the sounds of it, can’t afford it. In the 1950s, the man went out to work and provided for his family while the woman stayed at home and looked after their children and covered the housework. Bearing the brunt of childcare and housework was (unevenly) matched by the husband going out to work. If these are your husband’s expectations, you should ask him why you have to go back to work at all after maternity leave.

I say this but in reality I would sooner ask your husband for a divorce for a very long list of reasons but I don’t think you’re there yet.

sst1234 · 10/04/2023 21:07

If you are both invested in your careers, great. Outsource some housework and make sure he pays his fair share towards that.