Page 5 | Am I an unsupportive wife ?

princessses · 2023-04-10T18:49:14+00:00

My H accused me of this. He said I expect him to be around the family when he has time off and that I don't let him get on with work he could be doing to enhance his career. Apparently I don't know what it takes and he needs more space from us at weekends, so he can get on and progress career wise. I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have found it pretty taxing with two small kids. He's hardly ever here, in the sense that I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own. H works 6 days a week. So he isn't here much. I've been really unwell this weekend and he's had to pick up the slack and basically do what I always do. He's falling to pieces and telling me I never give him a break to get on with his career stuff. I go back to work soon and I'll still be running the show at home. I'm feeling pretty sad he thinks I'm sabotaging his success and I feel like he's basically saying I'm not functioning well enough.

Goldenbear · 11/04/2023 17:58

princessses · 11/04/2023 15:35

No his day looks nothing like that. He doesn't ever have time to go to the gym.

Regarding salaries, he makes more than me at the moment. But we both do ok.

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So is he a workaholic as my DH has those tendencies but there is no way he'd tell me my job is lesser than his. I have older DC (16 and 12) so not the same but about 2 months ago I had reached my limit as he was working away, I missed him but also I was doing everything until the weekend and I had had enough.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2023 18:23

@princessses

You say your mat leave is ending soon. So now is the time to ask him "Just how do you foresee the division of labour once I'm back to work? DH, you must take into account that wfm IS still working and I will NOT do full time wfh AND carry the full domestic load. Bearing that in mind, what do you feel YOUR share of the load should be?".

His answer will tell you everything you need to know. Both about right now AND in the future.

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 18:27

AcrossthePond55 · 11/04/2023 18:23

@princessses

You say your mat leave is ending soon. So now is the time to ask him "Just how do you foresee the division of labour once I'm back to work? DH, you must take into account that wfm IS still working and I will NOT do full time wfh AND carry the full domestic load. Bearing that in mind, what do you feel YOUR share of the load should be?".

His answer will tell you everything you need to know. Both about right now AND in the future.

Well we have a cleaner once a week, thankfully. Which does help, but it's not a magic solution because keeping the house in good condition with small kids is a daily / hourly job really.

I will also have a nanny. But I still think it's going to be a lot for me tbh, even with those things in place.

I'll still be responsible for all mornings and all evenings from 5-6pm. I'm happy to see my kids of course, but it's still going to be tough and relentless. I'll also be doing all night stuff, as Husband needs to leave the house early and I get a ' lie in 'until the kids wake up. Hopefully nights will get easier though. They're currently hard, especially when I'm sick, which I've been a lot lately. I just keep picking up bugs from my kids.

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 11/04/2023 18:40

@pprincessses have you considered that you keep getting ill because your exhausted and run down and therefore your immune system is taking a hit......

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:22

Scottishskifun · 11/04/2023 18:40

@pprincessses have you considered that you keep getting ill because your exhausted and run down and therefore your immune system is taking a hit......

Yeah I know and I also have other health issues that are quite serious. So I do need to be careful. But he just doesn't get it. He makes me feel so shit all the time. I'm really sad. Yesterday I was feeling so ill and he was just complaining about me and how I keep the house and how I'm not supporting him properly. It's made me feel really sad. I'm really doing my best and I'm still not feeling well. I've looked after the kids so many times whilst I was unwell. When he's unwell he just gets to lie down. It's so unfair.

OP posts:

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 19:32

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:22

Yeah I know and I also have other health issues that are quite serious. So I do need to be careful. But he just doesn't get it. He makes me feel so shit all the time. I'm really sad. Yesterday I was feeling so ill and he was just complaining about me and how I keep the house and how I'm not supporting him properly. It's made me feel really sad. I'm really doing my best and I'm still not feeling well. I've looked after the kids so many times whilst I was unwell. When he's unwell he just gets to lie down. It's so unfair.

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So why are you putting up with it? You have over 100 randoms at various life stages all telling you the same thing.

If you ended up in hospital for whatever reason, what would he do?

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:38

@CombatBarbie I don't know. He just makes me feel like I'm completely wrong and I guess you all know some of the story and not all of it in lots of detail because this is the internet and I can't disclose exactly what he does. He really does work very hard. Lots of people in our lives think that he cannot do any more than he does at home. From the outside it seems reasonable that it's all up to me. I wouldn't mind, but he's not even able to keep his own stuff tidy and that's a big issue for me. He literally needs a servant.

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Aintnosupermum · 11/04/2023 19:41

Tech start up…I call bullshit on the OP.

He came home. If this was real he would never come home. In this set up you sleep at your desk.

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:42

Aintnosupermum · 11/04/2023 19:41

Tech start up…I call bullshit on the OP.

He came home. If this was real he would never come home. In this set up you sleep at your desk.

I can't disclose what he does. I don't think I ever said it was a ' tech ' start up, did I ?

I'm not making this up, I'm just not comfortable disclosing exact details.

OP posts:

DanceMonster · 11/04/2023 19:44

Did he start the business before you had children?

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:46

DanceMonster · 11/04/2023 19:44

Did he start the business before you had children?

Not really.

OP posts:

Scottishskifun · 11/04/2023 19:47

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:22

Yeah I know and I also have other health issues that are quite serious. So I do need to be careful. But he just doesn't get it. He makes me feel so shit all the time. I'm really sad. Yesterday I was feeling so ill and he was just complaining about me and how I keep the house and how I'm not supporting him properly. It's made me feel really sad. I'm really doing my best and I'm still not feeling well. I've looked after the kids so many times whilst I was unwell. When he's unwell he just gets to lie down. It's so unfair.

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Call out his bullshit OP!
Go on strike on anything which is his! He makes a mess around the place leave it if his! If he says anything then simply reply with I'm not your servant your an adult! He's a grown ass man who is driving you into the ground stop making excuses for him.

Time to put your big girl pants on here OP otherwise you will end up very ill!
If he shouts etc just walk away and repeat calmly I'm not your servant!

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 19:50

But OP, narcissists and arse holes have the persona to the outside world they are perfect and do so much work and life admin and look after their kids, that's exactly how it works so when you say anything outside of the home they will find it hard to believe you.... Its so so common.

I really do hope you take note of some of the posters, especially the ones who have been through similar. Is this how you want to live for the next 5yrs????

I can hear down trodden you are just in your posts. YOU cannot go on like this, your children deserve better as well.

My DH is also untidy leaving stuff everywhere, I now have a box that I dump it all in and leave by the side of his bed ... In fact DH now has 3 boxes of shit he's left lying around from change, pens, screwdrivers, notebooks etc.....

IAmTheWalrus85 · 11/04/2023 20:11

There are lots of women out there who are happy to carry the full load of the housework and childcare as long as their DH brings home enough money for them not to have to work outside the home. A 1950s style set-up. And I understand that. But I also think it’s perfectly reasonable and understandable to not want that for your family life and to want your DH to be involved to a greater or lesser degree.

thefatpotato · 11/04/2023 20:22

I do give H a few hours at the weekend if he needs to work, but we check in with each other on a Saturday morning and fit it in around other engagements. If we schedule it in I don't mind because I can take my kids out to do a play date with friends.

I do 95% of everything child/home related. But, I don't work at the moment. Him progressing in his career is beneficial to both of us.

In your situation where you're on mat leave and going back to work soon, he's taking the piss.

Nevermind31 · 11/04/2023 20:23

S we hat career enhancing things does he do at the weekend?

jannier · 11/04/2023 20:31

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:38

@CombatBarbie I don't know. He just makes me feel like I'm completely wrong and I guess you all know some of the story and not all of it in lots of detail because this is the internet and I can't disclose exactly what he does. He really does work very hard. Lots of people in our lives think that he cannot do any more than he does at home. From the outside it seems reasonable that it's all up to me. I wouldn't mind, but he's not even able to keep his own stuff tidy and that's a big issue for me. He literally needs a servant.

He's using coercive control to keep you in the place he wants you. This is now recognised domestic abuse ....it's not you it him get help.

CheersForThatEh · 11/04/2023 20:38

The advice I can give you depends...

If you knew this was his expectation based on his family and discussions you had before kids and how he was (him working, you doing housework and playing wife prekids....) well....henprobably wont change. Because he hasnt changed it set up a false expectation.

If he has renegades on your agreed expectations (sharing housework, childcare), then it's a case of making yourself heard. Some choice words about taking the piss and pulling him up come to mind.

But if you were happy to play wife then hes unlikely to see your perspective or want to change so the only change youre likely to see is one you make yourself. You will possibly be heading towards leaving him or just getting on with it sadly.

Mycathatesmecuddling · 11/04/2023 20:39

princessses · 11/04/2023 19:38

@CombatBarbie I don't know. He just makes me feel like I'm completely wrong and I guess you all know some of the story and not all of it in lots of detail because this is the internet and I can't disclose exactly what he does. He really does work very hard. Lots of people in our lives think that he cannot do any more than he does at home. From the outside it seems reasonable that it's all up to me. I wouldn't mind, but he's not even able to keep his own stuff tidy and that's a big issue for me. He literally needs a servant.

I've just done a masters whilst working full time in a career change having to learn new tech. It's been pretty full on and off DH absolutely stepped up and did extra

But I never once left all the housework to him or stopped tidying up my own stuff because that would have been taking the piss

My masters and career change has absolutely enhanced my career and my earning prospects which makes things better for both of us. But not at the expense of his well being and free time either. It was a balancing act that made sure both of us were coping.

And, my DH is now doing some career training of his own and I am absolutely stepping up to support him. Would your DH do the same? Do you ever get chance to prioritise your career?

Original poster

princessses · 11/04/2023 20:40

CheersForThatEh · 11/04/2023 20:38

The advice I can give you depends...

If you knew this was his expectation based on his family and discussions you had before kids and how he was (him working, you doing housework and playing wife prekids....) well....henprobably wont change. Because he hasnt changed it set up a false expectation.

If he has renegades on your agreed expectations (sharing housework, childcare), then it's a case of making yourself heard. Some choice words about taking the piss and pulling him up come to mind.

But if you were happy to play wife then hes unlikely to see your perspective or want to change so the only change youre likely to see is one you make yourself. You will possibly be heading towards leaving him or just getting on with it sadly.

I was Never happy to play wife before kids but I again, automatically picked up more house tasks because of the type of work he does vs the type of work I do. He's out of the house a lot and I'm in the house a lot.

OP posts:

Theeyeballsinthesky · 11/04/2023 20:58

You’ve had lots of supportive & informative posts OP but I just wanted to send you a huge hug 💐 you sound so sad & beaten down x

Botw1 · 11/04/2023 21:09

I dont understand why you're confused or how he can make you feel unreasonable?

Did you agree to have 2 children with him on the basis that he would never actually parent them? That he would never want to spend time with them? That he would work every hour he could and spend what little free time he has by himself?

Did you know he had sexist attitudes towards childcare and housework and that he wanted you to adhere to them?

Did you know he expected you to work full time and run a house with 2 children (plus an another adult doing no housework or childcare) as though you were a single parent?

If you did agree to any of that, then maybe you are unreasonable to now say actually you do need to do some parenting and housework but I'd definitely be questioning why the fuck you agreed to it?

If you didn't agree to it and think that as someone who presumably wants the kids he has and to live in arelatively tidy house, then he needs to do the work, then you need to stop being confused and start being angry and stop letting him walk all over you.

The kids and house are half his. Meaning the work is half his.

If other people in your life are willing to let their ohs treat them and their kids like shit, thats on them

Don't be a mug like they are

CleaningOutMyCloset · 11/04/2023 21:27

A number of things:

Why can't he just 'get on with it and stop complaining'

Does he know how good he has it? Wife at home, healthy kids and no housework or child rearing, no responsibility for anything other than work

I presume he's going to offer you time and support to enhance your career?

IAmTheWalrus85 · 11/04/2023 21:40

I think it’s irrelevant whether or not OP agreed to this.

Even if she had agreed to play the 1950s wife and was a willing SAHM etc (she didn’t and she isn’t), the way her DH is treating her is still completely unacceptable. Making her feel like shit, complaining about the way she keeps the house, etc.

F4cesittingqueen · 11/04/2023 21:47

I think mumsnet is a silly place to ask this question. You need to decide between the two of you what you need to focus on. If you want him to fly high, and support you both (and that dynamic might work for you two) you will need to support him for sure. If you want him to be around more, maybe do less well in his career and be able to support the family less but be around more the kids (also a dynamic that may work for some) then you need to tell him.
there isn’t a right or wrong, it’s whatever works for you both. Whatever the opinion of people on here think is pretty irrelevant to be honest, because they might be in different relationship dynamics.
good luck