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Original poster

Am I an unsupportive wife ?

131 replies

princessses · 10/04/2023 19:49

My H accused me of this. He said I expect him to be around the family when he has time off and that I don't let him get on with work he could be doing to enhance his career.

Apparently I don't know what it takes and he needs more space from us at weekends, so he can get on and progress career wise.

I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have found it pretty taxing with two small kids. He's hardly ever here, in the sense that I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own. H works 6 days a week. So he isn't here much. I've been really unwell this weekend and he's had to pick up the slack and basically do what I always do. He's falling to pieces and telling me I never give him a break to get on with his career stuff.

I go back to work soon and I'll still be running the show at home. I'm feeling pretty sad he thinks I'm sabotaging his success and I feel like he's basically saying I'm not functioning well enough.

OP posts:
MagpiePi · 11/04/2023 13:54

Proper husbands and fathers don't 'help' with housework and child rearing.

PurpleParrotfish · 11/04/2023 14:11

Is there a particular cultural / religious context here? I’m trying to work out why in this situation you’re posting to ask whether you’re letting him down rather than “I’m married to someone who’s a shit husband and useless father, how can I make him realise I’m not his servant?”

Original poster
princessses · 11/04/2023 14:38

theemmadilemma · 11/04/2023 13:54

I need to understand what career has him out and about 6 days a week and requires the last day of the week free to 'further his career'?

What does this involve, specifically as you can be? Networking events? Is there something genuinely that he should be doing that you are aware of? Additional qualifications/studying?

Or is this a 'catch all' for I need time off?

6 days a week is a lot, but then it depends on what that day actually looks like. DH when away working, works longer, harder hours than he does at home, and having done plenty of business travel myself, I know how taxing it can be.

It's complex. Start up company that requires a lot of time. You could work at it around the clock. H has very high ambitions with it and is doing very well with it. Except his wife pulling him down apparently !

OP posts:
Ladybug14 · 11/04/2023 14:47

I'm interested in why you believe what he says is correct

No way on earth would I put up with the shit your husband is saying

It's disrespectful and demeaning

BarbaraofSeville · 11/04/2023 14:51

He wanted to have DC.
He (presumably) chose to start a business that takes a lot of time to build up.

Did you agree to him being 'hardly ever here, while you do all the housework, and everything for very young DC on your own'?

It's not you 'pulling him down' it's him taking on too much and not thinking through how all his responsibilities would take all his available time, and more.

He needs to scale back the business expansion until the DC are older and he has more time to devote to it. Or he needs to take on a partner.

Or you need more help at home, especially when you go back to work (a nanny and a housekeeper?). If he thinks he's 'falling to pieces' that's nothing compared to what state you'll be in trying to work (full time?) and do everything at home while he just does his own thing.

Lizzt2007 · 11/04/2023 15:00

princessses · 11/04/2023 10:05

It's because his career involves him being out of the house a lot, whereas mine is wfh. So it just makes sense that the person who's at home more, does more home stuff.

No it doesn't. You may be at home, but you're still working. The balance should be about the hours at work, including commuting, not where that work takes place.

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 15:04

Start up company, OK.... So what does his day look like typically. If in involves, 2hr lunch breaks and gym sessions he can fuck right off. He needs to structure a day so that he's home at a reasonable time to help with the life admin. You are not a skivvy or baby machine.

If he gets gym time, you need to allocate that to yourself..... On his day off.

The more you write the more I'm getting angry for you.

So.... If we were to give him the benefit of doubt, what's his salary like now compared to yours. What's it going to be in say 5yrs compared to yours.

If he earns more than you, please tell me you have same spends, % appropriate amounts being paid into bills etc.

Codlingmoths · 11/04/2023 15:11

If my husband said I was pulling him down by not facilitating him living life like he didn’t have kids, I’d pack him a bag and set him free, and tell everyone we knew why.

Original poster
princessses · 11/04/2023 15:33

Codlingmoths · 11/04/2023 15:11

If my husband said I was pulling him down by not facilitating him living life like he didn’t have kids, I’d pack him a bag and set him free, and tell everyone we knew why.

He's not asking to go out with his mates though. He just wants more time to spend on his work. Not excusing it in that sense, but it's different. He's trying to build something that will let him have more flexibility in a few years.

It's not like he's out having fun...

OP posts:
Original poster
princessses · 11/04/2023 15:35

CombatBarbie · 11/04/2023 15:04

Start up company, OK.... So what does his day look like typically. If in involves, 2hr lunch breaks and gym sessions he can fuck right off. He needs to structure a day so that he's home at a reasonable time to help with the life admin. You are not a skivvy or baby machine.

If he gets gym time, you need to allocate that to yourself..... On his day off.

The more you write the more I'm getting angry for you.

So.... If we were to give him the benefit of doubt, what's his salary like now compared to yours. What's it going to be in say 5yrs compared to yours.

If he earns more than you, please tell me you have same spends, % appropriate amounts being paid into bills etc.

No his day looks nothing like that. He doesn't ever have time to go to the gym.

Regarding salaries, he makes more than me at the moment. But we both do ok.

OP posts:
Levadia · 11/04/2023 15:46

Sounds like you are stuck in a 1950's dynamic?
What is his "career" that he needs to progress?
I'm conflicted on this because if he genuinely DOES need time to progress his qualifications in-job to one day retire and take care of you all in his 40s, then he's got a point, and you'll just have to suck it up if you knew this before "making the beast with two backs" with the fella.
However, if he's a bus-driver saying he can make supervisor at the depot in 4 years if you'd just leave him be! Then quite frankly... NOPE!
Either way, surely if you are in a partnership with kids you must have a certain intimacy and closeness, these are conversations best had on the pillow?

Original poster
princessses · 11/04/2023 16:01

Levadia · 11/04/2023 15:46

Sounds like you are stuck in a 1950's dynamic?
What is his "career" that he needs to progress?
I'm conflicted on this because if he genuinely DOES need time to progress his qualifications in-job to one day retire and take care of you all in his 40s, then he's got a point, and you'll just have to suck it up if you knew this before "making the beast with two backs" with the fella.
However, if he's a bus-driver saying he can make supervisor at the depot in 4 years if you'd just leave him be! Then quite frankly... NOPE!
Either way, surely if you are in a partnership with kids you must have a certain intimacy and closeness, these are conversations best had on the pillow?

It's definitely more the first scenario you're describing.

OP posts:
palelavender · 11/04/2023 16:13

He works six days a week so how much more career development time does he want? Sure in my twenties I did some allnighters but that wasn't with a spouse or children. How long has he been working on this start up - does it have decent prospects? Or has he just basically created a job for himself rather than a business that can be scaled up or sold? Considering the amount of time he spends on the business I really have to wonder about the hourly rate?

The sort of 1950s housewife he seems to want didn't work outside the home - she did the children, housework, cooking etc. He had to earn enough to support the family and she didn't have to worry about a career. Just because you work from home, doesn't mean that you are also his slave and do everything for your joint home and children.

Honestly, he sounds dreadfully pompous and a bit of an ass. I would be hiring a cleaner - with him sharing the cost - and focussing on my career. Tell him he's not being supportive if he complains. I can't see this being a marriage that's on a good trajectory.

I worked fulltime with small children. My husband did as much as me. We had a nanny, a cleaner and a gardener and my mother was a big help. I still got exhausted with the longish hours required in my job but barring emergencies the weekends were sacrosanct for the family. There is no way that I could have had that sort of career with the sort of husband you have.

Scottishskifun · 11/04/2023 16:20

Sorry to be harsh bit why on earth are you being such a doormat?!

Why do you think this set up is acceptable at all?!
He did 1 weekend (out of 51....) and suddenly your unsupportive????

Parenting is about being a team ok so he's out the house that doesn't make him incapable of doing laundry or running a hoover when he's in the house or playing and caring for his children!

I will never understand why women think it's acceptable for them to be pushed to breaking point! If he doesn't want to do any of it then he pays for a cleaner and nanny!!! Personally I would be having a serious discussion about why he wanted children if he never wants to be around them "to focus on his career"

jannier · 11/04/2023 16:22

princessses · 11/04/2023 10:45

@jannier You don't know how happy that woman is or how near to breaking ....where you brought up in an environment of honouring the husband and meeting his needs yourself? How many normal couples do you know where they work as a team?

Very much that kind of environment. Most couples we know, the woman does more at home and with kids.

Do you want to be his servant and your purpose be to meet his needs or do you want a life with your own interests?

cupofteaandabiccyplease · 11/04/2023 16:23

Sorry love, you sound like a single mum tbh. Unless there's a good reason to keep him around...

jannier · 11/04/2023 16:25

princessses · 11/04/2023 15:33

He's not asking to go out with his mates though. He just wants more time to spend on his work. Not excusing it in that sense, but it's different. He's trying to build something that will let him have more flexibility in a few years.

It's not like he's out having fun...

Show quote history

In a few years you and your children won't need him the same way so his flexibility can be to do whatever past times he wants it's a crap excuse. You don't get back these early years .....I'm sure he loves his work.

isitjustmey · 11/04/2023 16:26

Sigh. Just another one of those threads. Good luck to you though.

LuckyPeonies · 11/04/2023 16:28

Was he this detached and uninvolved after you had your first kid? If so, why have a second? If not, then having two may feel too much for him and he can’t cope. If that’s the case, too late now and he needs to buck up.

piedbeauty · 11/04/2023 16:33

mbosnz · 10/04/2023 19:53

No, you have an unsupportive husband, and your children have a disengaged and disinterested father.

This!

Come on, op, you know this.

He does realise that working FT only means 40 hours a week, right? Not 80?

When do you get to focus on your career??

He needs to step up and actually parent, plus do his share of family life.

Did you ever sit down and ate all this, or did this happen gradually?

Hoppinggreen · 11/04/2023 16:37

What career relayed things does he need to do all weekend?

BMrs · 11/04/2023 16:38

That's absolute BS from him.

My husband is a CEO, works extereblh long hours in a stressful job, most weeks this is 6 days plus evenings. However we have a young family and he is very hands on. Bath time whenever he is home and then goes back to work once they're in bed. Always helped in the night with feeds etc. Sunday is family day and all about the kids and if he need to work he does this at youngest nap time to not disrupt a day out etc.

I work part time and take some responsibility for the house as he works such long hours but he insisted we get a cleaner for 2 hours a week which is amazing. I work part time still and have one DC at school and one at home with me.

I think you need to have a strong conversation about your expectations from your team mate. That is not okay

Ktime · 11/04/2023 16:42

Sounds like he wants to present the image of a family man to the world at your expense.

Tell him his demands are unacceptable and he needs to do his half of childcare and housework.

DanceMonster · 11/04/2023 16:43

I’m confused OP. You seem to be saying you agree that he needs all this time and you should be doing a better job at supporting him? In which case what do you want from the thread… advice on how to support him better?

ConcordeOoter · 11/04/2023 16:46

He's told you where he's coming from and what the consequences will be if things don't change. It's likely you need to do the same, and now when he is probably feeling unable to do child care etc as well as he likes is exactly the time to do it. Who can deny someone else might need help with something they themselves have recently found hard?

It could be fruitful to set it out in terms like "it isn't worth this situation to have your career progress immediately because the home and childcare needs to move up the priority list. If you doubt it for one second, look at how scattered you have been with a small amount of this stuff folded into your schedule and how much happier you would have been without it. I am telling you that we absolutely need to ease up on the gas a bit and balance the home work a bit".

If you genuinely love each other, and bridge this communication gap, then you can hopefully adjust work life balance together so everyone stays sane, rather than end up in a battle.