Am I an unsupportive wife ?

[princessses]

My H accused me of this. He said I expect him to be around the family when he has time off and that I don't let him get on with work he could be doing to enhance his career.

Apparently I don't know what it takes and he needs more space from us at weekends, so he can get on and progress career wise.

I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have found it pretty taxing with two small kids. He's hardly ever here, in the sense that I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own. H works 6 days a week. So he isn't here much. I've been really unwell this weekend and he's had to pick up the slack and basically do what I always do. He's falling to pieces and telling me I never give him a break to get on with his career stuff.

I go back to work soon and I'll still be running the show at home. I'm feeling pretty sad he thinks I'm sabotaging his success and I feel like he's basically saying I'm not functioning well enough.

Why?

Why??? Who decided that? Do yous earn similar incomes?

Why? Who died and made him the head of the household?

It's because his career involves him being out of the house a lot, whereas mine is wfh. So it just makes sense that the person who's at home more, does more home stuff.

He’s treating you badly and talking to you like shit. He doesn’t view you as equal but rather as a baby machine who is expected to be doing all of the child care, all of the house work and everything in between. He doesn’t give a shit about your career - he’s still going to expect all of that from you when you start work, so the pressure on you is going to increase.

And now this man child, with a Victorian mentality, is actually making you believe that you are the problem. But you are not the problem here, are you? Don’t let your kids grow up watching this dynamic, thinking that’s it’s ok for people to treat their partners like this.

What is this magic career that he'd be working on if he wasn't parenting?

He's a selfish git guilt tripping you into him totally checking out of all family life.... If his career was made important than spending 1 day with his children he should have stayed single

No your supposed to be working the hours your paid for not doing chores

You don't know how happy that woman is or how near to breaking ....where you brought up in an environment of honouring the husband and meeting his needs yourself? How many normal couples do you know where they work as a team?

@jannier You don't know how happy that woman is or how near to breaking ....where you brought up in an environment of honouring the husband and meeting his needs yourself? How many normal couples do you know where they work as a team?

Very much that kind of environment. Most couples we know, the woman does more at home and with kids.

I think he’s finding juggling family and work life a challenge. We all do.

His big mistake is blaming you for it. He seems blind to the fact that you are working harder than him!

His family commitments won’t go away - even if you did everything. He still has to nurture and spend time with his kids.

I also suspect he thinks ‘you have it easy’ because you aren’t currently working. I also think there’s a bit of sexism here- that he’s provided you with what you want ( kids and home) and you should be grateful he’s working so hard. Were his parents in traditional set up?

Id suggest couples counselling - see if that lets him reframe this situation.

Work from home doesn't mean do the housework. It means do your career work. Housework comes afterwards and needs to be split

If you don't concentrate on your career and just support his where will you be if he leaves you? Living in a tiny house struggling to support you and the kids because he only had them rarely because he's too busy with work

Do you think that if he WFH and your work took you outside the home that he'd be doing what you do, breaking off to prep dinner or put a wash on?

I feel like I'm defective somehow, that I can't just do it all and I'm finding it hard and yes, I do complain and get frustrated

It's not you who's 'defective', it's their other parent who apparently wanted DC but doesn't do much if anything in catering to their needs.

I’m a SAHM partly due to how much I’d have to do if I had a job. My DH’s career took off when I was on maternity then I got made redundant so it made sense for him to concentrate on his job. I then had to find a PT job that fitted with nursery/school hours which put me in min wage sector. I was still doing all of the childcare/house stuff and it was exhausting. He also travels a lot so it just became easier for me to be at home, esp given the tiny amount I was bringing in.

My point is, it works for us. We don’t need my income and my job is taking care of the family stuff so he can earn. When he’s not at work we all enjoy family stuff.

There is no way I would be working FT plus doing all of the family things. If he then insisted on having his weekends free then I’d be thinking about doing things solo as at least you wouldn’t have the fury of dealing with a DH who contributes money only.

What is his job that he has to work 6 days a week and what “career progression” is he doing on his time off? I know a lot of men “work” long hours as a way to avoid family life. Does he need to work 6 days a week?

Having children is more than a full time job. He needs to help and soon, especially if you're going back to work!

What helped w my H and me was I wrote down a typical day. It turned out when he was "looking after the children" I actually did 7 hours of childcare plus my full time job. That is not fair or sustainable and he couldn't argue with the facts. He's been much more help since then. I mean literally keep a list of every little thing for a week, hour by hour, what he does vs what you do and have a serious talk about whether that is fair or not.

Also look into getting a cleaner and a nanny if his job is so important.

If he’s a multi millionaire CEO and you’ve failed to mention the 3 nannies, the housekeeper and the maid, he may have a point.

If it’s you and him caring for the kids and the house, he needs to step up. As a PP says, he can’t have a 50s housewife AND a wife who contributes financially to the household. Also, I’m absolutely not suggesting you give up work - with a (not so) DH like this, you need to keep your financial options open.

Just out of interest, how much does he earn and how much do you earn? If it’s close to similar amounts or you earn more, he has even less call to act like caring for the house and children is all on you.

Oh, and wfh means actually working from home. You shouldn’t be doing chores because your DH has such a low opinion of your career that he thinks you can take time off to look after children or do the ironing.

your husband can fuck off so far there is nowhere left to fuck off farther to. Have you turned around and said you are being nasty and horrible to me because you could not handle a single weekend of my life and instead of taking a look in the mirror you choose to tell ME I’m not supportive enough?? I’m extremely bloody supportive, I let you get away with being a pretty absent dad but I am going back to work and you are going to collect your children from daycare and cook them dinner 3 times a week and if you get a weekend day to fuck off and focus on your career then so do I, while you take dc to the park and come home and do 2 loads of washing then cook dinner. I’m a person not your nanny and I am not a second class citizen in this marriage or we don’t have a marriage and I will one day explain to our children that some men are too selfish to be fathers and that was their dad. Your choice.

because I would. My Dh was average when I was on mat leave with my first two but he does half now.

I am in my 40's and my Dad did a lot more parenting and looking after the house than your dh. A lot more. He had a career too. My Mum didn't.

I just don't get why progress is not linear. Who did this to you that you can't see that this is not right. Your dh sure has done a number on you.

When I was on mat leave I done everything, by choice, because it left my DH to work and not be tired the next day if one of the kids had a bad sleep etc. But once I went back to work, even though I WFH and he doesnt, we share the load. I cook, he does the washing, we both clean etc etc. 50/50 round here even with him leaving the house to work. Your DH is selfish if you go back to work and he still acts like this.

Thinking like that is why women who WFH are now getting fucked over. The person who does least paid work, traditionally does a bit more at home. Not who is physically in the house. That then goes out of the window during the newborn/early stages. Things are still weighted against mothers, which is why you know the couple's that you do. It isn't fair, or right. He doesn't just get to walk in and out, he takes on some of the graft.

your husband can fuck off so far there is nowhere left to fuck off farther to. Have you turned around and said you are being nasty and horrible to me because you could not handle a single weekend of my life and instead of taking a look in the mirror you choose to tell ME I’m not supportive enough?? I’m extremely bloody supportive, I let you get away with being a pretty absent dad but I am going back to work and you are going to collect your children from daycare and cook them dinner 3 times a week and if you get a weekend day to fuck off and focus on your career then so do I, while you take dc to the park and come home and do 2 loads of washing then cook dinner. I’m a person not your nanny and I am not a second class citizen in this marriage or we don’t have a marriage and I will one day explain to our children that some men are too selfish to be fathers and that was their dad. Your choice.
This! You need to assert yourself now. Counselling would be a good step if he doesn't step up.

My ex had one of these important jobs that needed his full attention.

When I left him 8 years ago he found he could actually make time to parent when I'm was no longer there.

He's now at school meetings, does the school run, club runs, cooks, does outings and all sorts with our daughter. He's still in the same career and managing very well.

Who knew he was so capable🙄.

Don't let your husband bullshit you into facilitating his lazy parenting. Certainly not while you also have a job and all sorts of responsibilities.

It's the phrase '...needing help at home.' that stands out here.

He clearly thinks he is some kind of privileged visitor who should be waited on hand and foot.

How can you be bothered to put up with such shit? Tell him to get lost and hire a housekeeper so he can focus all of his time on his career.

Your life will be so much easier not having a petulant man-child to look after as well as real children.

I need to understand what career has him out and about 6 days a week and requires the last day of the week free to 'further his career'?

What does this involve, specifically as you can be? Networking events? Is there something genuinely that he should be doing that you are aware of? Additional qualifications/studying?

Or is this a 'catch all' for I need time off?

6 days a week is a lot, but then it depends on what that day actually looks like. DH when away working, works longer, harder hours than he does at home, and having done plenty of business travel myself, I know how taxing it can be.