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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I an unsupportive wife ?

131 replies

princessses · 10/04/2023 19:49

My H accused me of this. He said I expect him to be around the family when he has time off and that I don't let him get on with work he could be doing to enhance his career.

Apparently I don't know what it takes and he needs more space from us at weekends, so he can get on and progress career wise.

I'm on Mat leave at the moment and have found it pretty taxing with two small kids. He's hardly ever here, in the sense that I do all housework, getting kids up, any drop offs at nursery, dinner time, bath time, bed times, night wakings etc all on my own. H works 6 days a week. So he isn't here much. I've been really unwell this weekend and he's had to pick up the slack and basically do what I always do. He's falling to pieces and telling me I never give him a break to get on with his career stuff.

I go back to work soon and I'll still be running the show at home. I'm feeling pretty sad he thinks I'm sabotaging his success and I feel like he's basically saying I'm not functioning well enough.

OP posts:

PurpleParrotfish · 12/04/2023 09:17

People have pointed out that different divisions of labour work for different couples. But they only work if the couple both see themselves as a team, as equals.

“Yesterday I was feeling so ill and he was just complaining about me and how I keep the house and how I'm not supporting him properly.”

Your DH clearly doesn’t see you as an equal partner. Nor does he seem to be able to manage basic levels of human kindness and decency. No wonder you’re miserable.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/04/2023 09:23

He's gaslighting you.

Tell him you want a divorce and he'll be looking after the kids 50/50. Then he'll have it half as 'good' as you do now.

He's the unsupportive one here.

STOP DOING EVERYTHING! Stop doing his washing. Stop cooking his meals. Make plans to go out and leave him with the kids on his day off.

Start refocusing on yourself and your career.

Original poster

princessses · 12/04/2023 09:33

PurpleParrotfish · 12/04/2023 09:17

People have pointed out that different divisions of labour work for different couples. But they only work if the couple both see themselves as a team, as equals.

“Yesterday I was feeling so ill and he was just complaining about me and how I keep the house and how I'm not supporting him properly.”

Your DH clearly doesn’t see you as an equal partner. Nor does he seem to be able to manage basic levels of human kindness and decency. No wonder you’re miserable.

I told him last night that it was really horrible that he did that and he apologised.

He apologises a lot, but I can't really forget stuff like that.

OP posts:

Ingrowncrotchhair · 12/04/2023 12:39

princessses · 12/04/2023 09:33

I told him last night that it was really horrible that he did that and he apologised.

He apologises a lot, but I can't really forget stuff like that.

Show quote history

That reinforces the picture some have pointed at here that what he is doing/saying amounts to abuse.

abusers abuse then apologise, then everything is acceptable for a bit, then they abuse again. Then they apologise, then…. Etc

Issania87 · 12/04/2023 14:54

princessses · 10/04/2023 20:41

@MrsDoylesDoily well, he does make me question myself.

He says I don't know how good I have it and that makes me feel terrible. He says it's time to just get on with it and stop complaining about it all. It makes me question whether I'm the problem.

We know couples where the wife completely lets the husband take care of his career. She does everything to do with the kids 24/7 and the husband is always busy working on things. She would never even think to complain..

Surely that only applies where the wife doesn't work so can focus solely on the children?

If you're happy to give up your career so you can focus on the kids while he focuses on his career then there's no reason why you can't. That should only apply during working hours though, the weekends he should be involved unless he needs time to study or something.

If you don't want to give up your career then I think a very frank conversation needs to be had here.

Issania87 · 12/04/2023 15:38

Just read more of your posts and seen he has a start up company. So I kind of understand why he is working 6 days a week and such long hours, and why you need to pick up the slack for a while whilst it takes off.

That being said, it sounds like you are giving him the time he needs apart from this weekend while you are sick, so he is being unreasonable here. Also, you can't be expected to pick up the slack 24/7, so if he needs you to do it for a while now then fine, but on Sundays you get some time to invest in yourself too.

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