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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think it's rude not to wait for guests..?

402 replies

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 17:59

My parents invited us for Easter lunch. They didn't really give an exact time said around 5-6. Admittedly we got there just after 6.. they had already started, and almost finished eating.
They do this all the time? I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them.
AIBU to think it's rude not to wait? Or is that me expecting too much?

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 10/04/2023 19:05

Why not have the discussion about when you are done work and the time you think you can arrive by at the initial invite chat? Perhaps your parents are thinking, Well , done work at 5; should be here by now; and get tired of waiting without a phone call and are a bit frustrated.

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:05

I don't get 90% of these messages. This is a mum and daughter. My mum turned up early on Easter morning and I was in my pyjamas! I just can't imagine all this 6 for 6.15, dinner has to be eaten quickly, on time, drinks beforehand. It's just so alien to how we are in our family. No wonder we love visiting my mum, she just says 'turn up when you can'. We joke she's always early, we are always late. No-one is offended. If people are hungry, they have a biscuit!

nomoredriving · 10/04/2023 19:07

@MasterBeth clearly OP was delayed, she anticipated arriving earlier, but a work issue meant she couldn't.

She didn't message, the other person invited didn't message.

The anticipated arrival time was delayed and someone should've advised the hosts.

Rude!

44PumpLane · 10/04/2023 19:07

A genuine question to @MasterBeth , if someone said to arrive for dinner "AROUND 5-6", -what time would you assume dinner was to be served?
-what time would you aim to arrive?

  • what is the latest time you would feel it's acceptable to arrive and not be late?

And the same three questions to you, but assuming someone asked you to arrive for dinner "BETWEEN 5-6".

I must admit that I would treat both "around" and "between" very similarly....I would aim to arrive close to 5, maybe 4.45-5.15, I would assume the meal was to be served 6 or earlier and I would consider myself late if I was to arrive after 5.30.

If there was a chance I would be later than 5.30 I would discuss with my parents my arrival time or firm up their cooking plans.

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 19:07

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:05

I don't get 90% of these messages. This is a mum and daughter. My mum turned up early on Easter morning and I was in my pyjamas! I just can't imagine all this 6 for 6.15, dinner has to be eaten quickly, on time, drinks beforehand. It's just so alien to how we are in our family. No wonder we love visiting my mum, she just says 'turn up when you can'. We joke she's always early, we are always late. No-one is offended. If people are hungry, they have a biscuit!

Presumably there isn't a roast going cold / burning in the background?

kindnessandlight · 10/04/2023 19:08

'They do this all the time'...assuming you're always late then?

I do know what it's like to have young kids but it's really not impossible to be on time, you just have to count backwards and start earlier.

I always find it fascinating that certain people (and it's not down to kids, having dogs, cats, illnesses etc) are ALWAYS late. Unless they have plane to catch!

I once remember a friend saying that people who are late value their own time more than others.

nomoredriving · 10/04/2023 19:08

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:05

I don't get 90% of these messages. This is a mum and daughter. My mum turned up early on Easter morning and I was in my pyjamas! I just can't imagine all this 6 for 6.15, dinner has to be eaten quickly, on time, drinks beforehand. It's just so alien to how we are in our family. No wonder we love visiting my mum, she just says 'turn up when you can'. We joke she's always early, we are always late. No-one is offended. If people are hungry, they have a biscuit!

You'd be happy with ruined food?

I suppose we're all different 🤷‍♀️

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:08

@ReadersD1gest my mum would come ridiculously early, put a wash on, ask if she could help with the dinner and sit and have a cup of tea. She's a member of our family, not some dinner party guest.

kittensinthekitchen · 10/04/2023 19:09

MasterBeth · 10/04/2023 18:31

Sorry, is English not your first language?

When the OP said “I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them” she is positing a hypothetical situation, not referring to this Easter meal.

For this actual meal, she wasn’t late because she was invited “around 5 - 6” and she arrived around 5 - 6, at ten past 6.

Show quote history

Is English your first language?
Where did the OP say they arrived "at ten past 6"?

BellaJuno · 10/04/2023 19:09

easterbunnyz · 10/04/2023 18:42

My shift is meant to finish at 5 but it was busier than I anticipated for Easter Sunday so it was later.

When your parents said 5-6pm, did you tell them your shift wouldn’t finish until 5pm so you’d be at the later end of the timescale regardless?

UsherBobble · 10/04/2023 19:09

Did you call to tell them that your shift would be finishing late? If not then I'm afraid I wouldn't have waited either. Sorry!

Pencilsaremylife · 10/04/2023 19:10

How do people manage to keep a nice dinner warm for ages waiting for people who are always late. I would have started eating as well before everything got dried up.
You were late, unless you work next to their house surely you had some travel time. Why didn’t you phone/text whatever when you got finished work and explained that sorry but you were going to be late, you know like anyone else would. You are the rude one.

kindnessandlight · 10/04/2023 19:10

kindnessandlight · 10/04/2023 19:08

'They do this all the time'...assuming you're always late then?

I do know what it's like to have young kids but it's really not impossible to be on time, you just have to count backwards and start earlier.

I always find it fascinating that certain people (and it's not down to kids, having dogs, cats, illnesses etc) are ALWAYS late. Unless they have plane to catch!

I once remember a friend saying that people who are late value their own time more than others.

This!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:11

@nomoredriving roasts don't get 'ruined' so they can't be eaten if they are at 6.15! It's only in the UK that people insist on hot plates, wolfing it down and all being done 20 min later. In most cultures, meals take hours, and don't depend on being extremely hot to be palatable. A roast can be eaten even the next day if you heat it up! Make a bit of fresh gravy. It's not a big deal (well it turns out it is to an awful lot of people who would rather be right about being late/early and start chomping more than have a lovely relaxing time).

Inkblue · 10/04/2023 19:12

If I was told dinner was 5-6, I would arrived just before five. I wouldn’t expect to arrive and straight away sit down at the table but to have a drink/some conversation beforehand and offer to help.

ittakes2 · 10/04/2023 19:12

People don't spend hours and ££ buying food and cooking it to eat it dry and cold because you are late.

youshouldnthaveasked · 10/04/2023 19:13

I think the lack of communication on both sides means you’re both unreasonable. And both rude.

You could have given them an ETA and they could called and asked if you were on the way without starting the meal.

psychDr · 10/04/2023 19:14

If someone said to me food will be served between 5-6, I'd aim to be there by 5, or 5.30 absolute latest. I'd expect them to be already eating if I turned up after 6pm.

oachkatzl · 10/04/2023 19:14

You were rude because you were late and did not let them know. It sounds like you have form for doing this. Maybe they are just sick of having to wait around for an unspecified length of time because you are often late.
What time is "a little after 6"?

I don't understand why you didn't explain when making the arrangements that 5 was too early because you'd be working until 5. There was no way you were ever going to be at theirs by 5, so you should have communicated that from the outset.

Also whoever the other person invited was (you said "we") could have messaged to and said "OP isn't back from work yet, something must have come up", so at least they would have some idea what was going on.

We have someone in our family who is persistently late. This went on for a few years until everyone got really pissed off with waiting hours for xmas dinner for example, or for a kid's party meal to start and then just decided to start without her. She eventually got the message and is much better.

nomoredriving · 10/04/2023 19:14

Highdaysandholidays1 · 10/04/2023 19:11

@nomoredriving roasts don't get 'ruined' so they can't be eaten if they are at 6.15! It's only in the UK that people insist on hot plates, wolfing it down and all being done 20 min later. In most cultures, meals take hours, and don't depend on being extremely hot to be palatable. A roast can be eaten even the next day if you heat it up! Make a bit of fresh gravy. It's not a big deal (well it turns out it is to an awful lot of people who would rather be right about being late/early and start chomping more than have a lovely relaxing time).

Sorry but no!

I've cooked roasts for 49 years and you cannot tell me reheated roasties are good! The microwaved warmed up food, all the same nuclear heat, is awful!

And stop with the only English bullshit, we've had that too much already! I'm
Irish!

So a roast ready at five would be ruined by 6.15!

If you're happy with a frozen aunty Bessie's microwaved roast the next day, HO for it!

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 10/04/2023 19:15

Isn’t this more supper?

nomoredriving · 10/04/2023 19:16

40 years, not 49 years 

But nevertheless @Highdaysandholidays1 I would fucking hate a warmed up roast, compared to fresh cooked food.

But we all have different standards! Mine are high!

MasterBeth · 10/04/2023 19:17

ReadersD1gest · 10/04/2023 18:59

Haven't you ever been invited to dinner in polite society, @MasterBeth ? 😂
You seem astonishingly clueless as to how things work.

Show quote history

Sure, and if someone invited me for “around 5 - 6”, I’d ask them to clarify what they meant by it, as it’s clearly ambiguous.

And, by the same token, if I’d invited someone for around 5-6, and expected them between 5 & 6 and they hadn’t turned up by 6, I wouldn’t start labelling my guest as “late” or “rude” or “entitled.” I would probably start asking myself “when did I say to come?” And I guess I would look at the invitation and realise it was ambiguous.

But even if I’d been completely unambiguous and said “arrive between 5 & 6”, I still wouldn’t start eating on the dot of 6! 6 is within the parameters of when the guest was asked to come. If the guest arrives at 6.10, they are 10 minutes late. 10 minutes late is absolutely within the window of marginal lateness.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 10/04/2023 19:18

Oh this is silly. If your shift was only finishing at 5, why didn't you tell your parents this and that you'd only be arriving at (shift finish time plus travelling time plus contingency time added on for unforeseen stuff). As any normal person would.

Better still, if they invite you for lunch, tell them you can't go because you'll be working, because you were, at lunchtime, weren't you?

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/04/2023 19:18

5-6 for LUNCH???? God knows what time they have dinner...