To think it's rude not to wait for guests..?

[easterbunnyz]

My parents invited us for Easter lunch. They didn't really give an exact time said around 5-6. Admittedly we got there just after 6.. they had already started, and almost finished eating.
They do this all the time? I can't imagine inviting them and if they were late just start eating without them.
AIBU to think it's rude not to wait? Or is that me expecting too much?

Because a) they didn’t say “5-6”, they said “around 5-6”

b) the time you are invited for isn’t usually the time you eat.

No. I'd wonder what other bizarre misinterpretations of standard behaviours I'd encounter.

Yes, because I like people, want to make them feel welcome and think that an invitation to dinner is for pleasant social interaction, not just making sure I get a “piping hot dinner.”

@MasterBeth I ensure I don't upset my host by arriving late and making them way cold food 🤷

I think this is just miscommunication. (Work holding you up isn’t something you can avoid, so I don’t think you should let this complicate things too much).

It sounds like you’re hearing “Turn up between 5 and 6.” (which would mean them planning on serving at 6 or later) and they’re really saying “The meal will be ready between 5 and 6” (which means you need to be there by 5 so you’re there when the meal’s ready).

If this has happened more than once then you should accept that an invite from them means arriving at the earlier time, not at some point between.

Eat not way

They got hungry? They're family. Why does this bother you? Do you have a very formal relationship with your parents? My mum helps me loads with the kids. I really don't give a stuff when she eats! (as long as she leaves me some :))

If someone arrives at your house ten minutes late, how would you treat them?

I think you know the tendencies of your own family members. I would have turned up nearer 5pm, my brother nearer 6pm. I'd have given a slightly earlier time to people who run on the late side if I knew I'd be dishing up about 5.30.

Personally I find people who run late a bit annoying as I tend to run slightly early and end up sitting about waiting for others. I might well have started eating to stop it going cold by 6pm.

OP, maybe other times they have been really unreasonable, but I don't think they were horribly unreasonable this time. You arrived after the timeframe they had given you...

You were ruder not arriving closer to 5pm.

We had this with lunch guests when I said “arrive anytime after 12pm”…as in we would be out before. They were radio silent and appeared at 1:15pm. So rude!!

@MasterBeth I'd be fine, I wouldn't say a anything.

If I'd offered an hour slot and they still missed it, I'd say take a: seat, when I've finished eating I'll microwave your meal.

They do this all the time?

So you would know by now to assume nearer 5 then surely (and arrive accordingly)?

To be honest, I think it depends on what food has been prepared.
If doing some kind of roast dinner, then leaving it too long, and everything would spoil. With roasts, everything is in the timing, so I would cook everything to be ready at a specific time (allowing for the meat to rest, etc). However, I would be more precise with the time, saying something like, 'get here any time around 5.00 for sitting down to eat at 6.00', or similar, depending on how far away the guests were coming.
On the other hand, if the food was some kind of cold buffet, then waiting, an extra hour, would not be a problem, depending on whether you had hungry toddlers that could not wait, and even then, I would probably just feed them, and wait for the guests before eating with them.

Depends what they said, if you asked what time are we eating and they said between 5&6 you need to be there ahead of 5 as that's when dinner was from. If you asked what time should I arrive, they you had until 6 to get there

@easterbunnyz
Come on Bunny, can you recall exactly what was said? It sounds like an ongoing communication problem.
The general consensus is that if dinner is at, between, or around 5-6 then as a guest I'd plan to be there towards 5 and expect dinner to be served before 6 (despite @MasterBeth protestations around language)
However if your mum asked what time you thought you'd be arriving and you said "Around 5 or 6" then I'd have planned to serve after 6 when you should be here. If you have form for getting held up and I'd not heard anything from you by 6 (and had been 'watching the door since 5') I'd probably start without you.

I don't know your job but unless you are something like an emergency worker or half way through open heart surgery it seems rude to say I got held up at work. If you have a 'job and finish' type employment and you know your finish time is likely to be variable you communicate that you might not get there till after 6pm. That gives your parents choices.

Thee host, which happens to be the OP’s mum is rude. She knows OP is highly likely to be stuck at work till 5. It’s not big deal to ring her and see where she is. Yes OP should have texted saying she’s slightly late but mum(the host) is terribly rude to eat before guests arrive. I don’t know anyone who would do that.

In my family we would interpret around 5-6 as being estimated window meal would be ready. So we would be there for 5 at latest.

you and your parents need to be clearer about what time you should arrive and what time is dinner.

That said, I cannot imagine telling my adult children (or anyone I cared enough to invite) to come for dinner around 5-6 and then starting to eat at 6 because they didn't show up on time. The point of the meal would be not to stuff my lamb in my mouth as fast as I could but to sit with family and enjoy a meal together.

And those who would turn up at 4.45 for an invitation between 5-6! Now that I would find tricky (not my children obviously but any other guest - arriving early is as bad as arriving late)

Do you think she would've eaten before guests arrived had the OP let her know that she was delayed?

The guest should DEFINITELY have called to say that they were running a little late, but it would have been nice if the host had tried to find out WHY guest was not there yet, although, there is no obligation to. If you are supposed to be somewhere at a specific time, then make it a point to DO that. If dinner is "between 5 and 6", then you ALWAYS show up at the earlier time! If dinner takes a little longer to be ready, that is ok, because you as a guest, want your dinner HOT and FRESH, so so it's not a big deal if you have to wait a few extra minutes to eat. On the other hand....as a host, your dinner can be RUINED if all of the guests but ONE are there waiting to eat, because after a whole hour, the salad has wilted, the steak and potatoes got cold, etc... Just do better next time.

Of course YABU.

If someone invites you, and says "meal will be around 5 - 6" then you should turn up for 5, in case it is ready then. So, you not turning up until gone 6 is incredibly rude, and perfectly reasonable that the hosts want to eat their meal when it is fresh.

However, when they invited you for this time and you knew you were at work until 5pm, then you should have said "Oh, no. Sorry, we won't be able to make it - I'm working until 5". Then they could decide to cancel, or to have cooked the meal another time. It is ridiculous to accept an invitation to be in one place when you can't leave work until that time, even if you didn't work in a role that might mean you can't leave on time.

This is a very different scenario from someone driving for a couple of hours and potentially having got stuck in traffic or whatever. This is about you not having any respect for the hosts.

There's another thread been running over the last couple of days where the OP was fuming because her guest didn't (and commonly doesn't) turn up for hours after she was invited, and the overwhelming opinion was to eat at the due time and plate up a meal for the person / people arriving late.

If I was invited for 5-6 I'd probably aim for 5 30. If I invited someone for 5-6 I'd be prepared for the fact that the guests might not arrive any time up to 6 or even slightly after if they're not the most prompt people. To find hosts have nearly finished eating after 6 would be astonishing and I'd find it aggressive tbh.

My mum does! I have evening meal with her once a fortnight straight from work. She expects me around 5:30/6. If I know it's gonna be after 6 l text her and she decides. If I don't text and it hits 6 she starts without me but waits for desert. If I get there at 6:15 I know mine will likely be sitting in the microwave/on the bottom shelf.
If I wasn't eating with her she'd dine at 5pm. When her friend comes on the alternate week they're chomping away at 4:30 sometimes. I typically eat around 6:30 at home.

Aggressive eating...