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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend cancelled holiday last minute..

327 replies

Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 11:15

Hi all.

I've been let down AGAIN. I genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable here.

Meant to be going to the Lake District with a friend tomorrow, for 2 nights. Apartment booked and paid for; was waiting for friends half of payment.

She sent a text yesterday morning saying that she has a family commitment that she can't get out of so she's not coming. She asked for my bank details and has sent money to cover the apartment (including my half). Obviously I'm really very upset.

AIBU to go anyway?

OP posts:
Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 10/04/2023 12:36

You mentioned partner being a bit naff OP. Nobody is everybody's cup of tea and that's fine. However, do you think he treats your friend right? Is there any chance this is a result of him being incredibly controlling/abusive? Is this atypical behaviour of her? If so still don't be a doormat. Accept the money back and be wary of booking anything else with her. However, I'd be as gentle as you can with her. If she is in an abusive relationship and she has you to confide in you may be the difference between her getting out of it and not

NameChangeNumber359 · 10/04/2023 12:36

Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 11:17

Should I give her half the money back?

If you decide to go, yes, give half back. Otherwise no.

It was poor form for her to cancel last minute but at least she had the decency to pay up. I've seen enough CF threads on here to know that's not often the case.

I hope you still go and have a lovely time.

JMSA · 10/04/2023 12:36

Holy shit, my absolute dream scenario. A free holiday on my own! Grin

cushioncovers · 10/04/2023 12:37

Ok so sounds like she's not allowed to go with you op. Don't enable her partner by giving the money back.

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:37

JMSA · 10/04/2023 12:36

Holy shit, my absolute dream scenario. A free holiday on my own! Grin

This made me smile!

I think it would have been my dream scenario until it actually happened.

OP posts:
JMSA · 10/04/2023 12:41

Aww, I can understand that Flowers
Hope you have a lovely time if you d o decide to go.

rookiemere · 10/04/2023 12:41

It's possible to be simultaneously concerned about friend, and disappointed about holiday plans changing significantly!

I've been in your situation OP and it does suck, although at least in my case I was about 75% convinced I would end up going on my own so planned accordingly.

LlynTegid · 10/04/2023 12:45

Yes go, and accept the payment received, don't give it back. A pity that your friend has married such a man, assuming it is the real reason.

SparklyShoesandTutus · 10/04/2023 12:45

I thought you were going to pay. Sounds like she has been pretty reasonable paying for the apartment. You should absolutely go. If it os because of her DP then she os probably gutted she can't make it but would still want you to go and have a great time.
2 days in the lakes alone is my dream right now. Have fun

category12 · 10/04/2023 12:46

Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:35

She knows I'm concerned about her.

I don't need to get into any of that on here.

Show quote history

If her partner is potentially abusive/trying to put a wedge between you, I think it makes it more important you do offer some of the money back if you go - because otherwise it plays into his narrative about you. He'll make out that you're the CF.

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2023 12:46

I respect and trust my friends. If one of my friends did this I would know that there is a problem at home. I would be concerned. Her paying the whole amount is her acknowledgment that she has let you down. I’m dismayed by the lack of compassion on here. Why is she your friend OP if you distrust her? If she’s untrustworthy, move on. It’s sounds more likely that she’s being controlled at home. Go and have your lovely holiday- free now and you only have to pay the petrol. I hope she’s not at home feeling frightened.

SparklyShoesandTutus · 10/04/2023 12:46

I thought you were going to say she was refusing to pay* sorry missed half a sentence

whynotwhatknot · 10/04/2023 12:46

i would say go anyway but the weather is meant to be shit tomorrow-im on my way to wales to see family so cant cancel myself

VintageBlossomHill · 10/04/2023 12:46

can I come?? Not what you’re hoping/planning but go and enjoy xx

Personyouneedisnannymcphee · 10/04/2023 12:47

OP I have bpd too so I understand every emotion you have probably experienced in this situation even if you haven’t included it in your posts.

If you have someone else to take then do that but if not, push yourself to go alone providing you can get there and your friend wasn’t the travel plan.

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:48

category12 · 10/04/2023 12:46

If her partner is potentially abusive/trying to put a wedge between you, I think it makes it more important you do offer some of the money back if you go - because otherwise it plays into his narrative about you. He'll make out that you're the CF.

Show quote history

It's come from his account. I only just thought to look at that.

I'm which case, I'm feeling less bad about keeping it.

OP posts:
LakieLady · 10/04/2023 12:49

Rewis · 10/04/2023 11:42

Is this something we should be worried about?

Show quote history

I would be concerned about it, tbh. It can be a red flag for DA.

diflasu · 10/04/2023 12:49

I wouldn't give the money back - she chose to make the commitment of time and finance - she chosen to back out last minute leaving the OP in the lurch.

It's likely the Op wouldn't have booked this holiday without expectation of time and money input from friend - so its not fair she should suffer finically as well as being left with something she wasn't expecting.

I'd take the money OP - try and enjoy the break and avoid booking anything in the future with her while also being there if she does need support.

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:50

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2023 12:46

I respect and trust my friends. If one of my friends did this I would know that there is a problem at home. I would be concerned. Her paying the whole amount is her acknowledgment that she has let you down. I’m dismayed by the lack of compassion on here. Why is she your friend OP if you distrust her? If she’s untrustworthy, move on. It’s sounds more likely that she’s being controlled at home. Go and have your lovely holiday- free now and you only have to pay the petrol. I hope she’s not at home feeling frightened.

I'm not sure how you got that I haven't been compassionate, neither have I said I distrust her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:51

Personyouneedisnannymcphee · 10/04/2023 12:47

OP I have bpd too so I understand every emotion you have probably experienced in this situation even if you haven’t included it in your posts.

If you have someone else to take then do that but if not, push yourself to go alone providing you can get there and your friend wasn’t the travel plan.

Thank you for this. Yes, it's been an utter rollercoaster and I am exhausted!

OP posts:
allmyliesaretrue · 10/04/2023 12:53

rookiemere · 10/04/2023 12:41

It's possible to be simultaneously concerned about friend, and disappointed about holiday plans changing significantly!

I've been in your situation OP and it does suck, although at least in my case I was about 75% convinced I would end up going on my own so planned accordingly.

^This!!!

Is the OP not allowed to be disappointed that the break she was looking forward to with her friend isn't happening any more? And, if this is a pattern of behaviour, it's very annoying no matter the reason behind it!! It would be a frosty day in hell before any man would prevent me from having a break with a friend!

If your friend really can't go @Sortyourlifeout because of her husband, then she has a problem. You can't sort it out for her; you can only support her.

As for the Lakes District, it's absolutely gorgeous. In fact it might be even more relaxing on your own because you don't have to fit in with anyone else's agenda. Take in a boat trip on one of the lakes - always love a boat trip, good for the soul - but wrap up warm!! I imagine the place will be bunged at this time of year though. If you have a dog, you could take him/her for company? Keswick is dogsville. I have literally never seen so many in one place!!

WanderleyWagon · 10/04/2023 12:53

Definitely no need to pay her back. This is an apology payment; I'd accept it in good faith as an expression of her regret and embarrassment.
I love the Lake District so I would go anyway, and take a good book or two with me; sometimes it's nice just to have a change of scene so do at least consider going anyway.

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2023 12:54

Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:50

I'm not sure how you got that I haven't been compassionate, neither have I said I distrust her.

Show quote history

Hi op. I said lack of compassion on here- ie the thread. Not directed at you. If you trust her, then can you not accept what she has said and trust that there is a reason. It’s not necessarily about you.

Original poster
Sortyourlifeout · 10/04/2023 12:55

UnRavellingFast · 10/04/2023 12:54

Hi op. I said lack of compassion on here- ie the thread. Not directed at you. If you trust her, then can you not accept what she has said and trust that there is a reason. It’s not necessarily about you.

Show quote history

Thank you for clarifying that.

OP posts:
Rhondaa · 10/04/2023 12:56

When you said let down again in your op what has she cancelled before?

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