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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 21:56

YABU. The baby is his too and his family should be able to meet it on the same timeline as yours. You would not be unreasonable to limit guests in the house at any one time or how long they can stay each time though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 21:58

RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 21:56

YABU. The baby is his too and his family should be able to meet it on the same timeline as yours. You would not be unreasonable to limit guests in the house at any one time or how long they can stay each time though.

Does that have to include his brothers girlfriend though?

That's the issue, not the immediate rellies.

Endofmytetherfinally · 09/04/2023 21:58

It's your body your choice. Dh has to support that, he's not the one having major surgery so unfortunately although he's an equal parent he doesn't get an equal say on this. If there's anyone you both know who's had a caesar I would get them to speak to him honestly about the impact (sil world be ideal).

I thought the same as you, I'd want 2 weeks but to be honest I felt really well and left hospital within 18 hours of birth (vaginal) and was happy to have pil the following day and sil came a few days later. Its almost impossible to predict.

RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 21:59

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, it does, in small doses.

PuggyMum · 09/04/2023 22:00

I think you are overthinking it a bit.

If your Dh can do all the house prep / shopping etc so there's plenty of milk for drinks etc I'm sure your in laws will come laden with cake etc.

A positive story from me... I had dd by emergency section on the Tuesday and came home on the Saturday. In laws were already at home as they had to travel.

We went out for Sunday lunch (which was a palava as they forgot about us so my perfect timing with dd feeds etc went to shit so we went for a curry!). I was breastfeeding and a waiter went to stroke her head and realised she was on the boob!!

In laws were super helpful and when I had the health visitor / other visitors gave me space. I barely lifted a finger until Dh went back to work and then I found my own routine.

If you get on well with the family and can say you just want the morning to yourself / have a nap with baby etc you'll be fine.

jannier · 09/04/2023 22:00

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 21:53

I know, it's ridiculous! Get over yourself ffs. Women have been giving birth for millenia, and only in the last 20 years have they decided (in the UK) they need to be in a bubble for 2 weeks after giving birth, and God help anyone who trespasses on the sacred bubble.

Maybe crack a book. Everywhere from Europe to China, a 'lying-in' period after (and sometimes before) birth was fairly typical. Anywhere from two weeks to two months. Hospitals were even sometimes called lying in hospitals. Sometimes visitors were welcome but usually female visitors. I assume if and when invited! Women weren't expected to host and even sometimes weren't expected to get out of bed. There would have been special food and drink.

I would assume that higher levels of infant and maternal mortality would be experienced when women were out and about catching all sorts and doing too much. Lying in would have prevented that. I also assume that BFing was easier with female relations helping (probably experienced) and no male relatives around.

I'm not saying that you should do that, just that if it's been a feature on history, it probably did have benefits.

Isn't that to do with the idea that women are unclean after giving birth?

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 22:01

@hoover12345 yes they met him when he was 1 and that was only my MIL, the rest of my husbands family met our son when he was about to turn 2 and only because we travelled to my husbands home state.

I gave birth in the Uk and then we moved to the US when my son was 10 months old. In-laws (also stateside) were welcome to visit anytime. It’s not on us. My parents have flown from the UK twice since we moved and my in-laws have come to visit 3 times total. It’s not our job to constantly travel with our toddler when other people have the same ability to visit us. There was also an issue with differing opinions on vaccines with in-laws and us having a very vulnerable child that we weren’t willing to risk. My son hasn’t been emotionally scarred by it.

Limetart · 09/04/2023 22:03

@inky1991 Op me and my dd are very close but when she was due to give birth we booked an air bnb and messaged before popping in.

Start off as you mean to go on.
If you don’t want lots of visitors don’t have them.
Your baby is not a toy!
And if your dh tells you to man up again arrange to have him circumcised with just gas and air to breathe on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 22:03

RobinRobinMouse · 09/04/2023 21:59

@MrsTerryPratchett Yes, it does, in small doses.

Why? Just because he says so?

I think in the post-partum period two things should be considered. One is the new baby, and the parents' adaptation to that. The other is the mother's health and wellness. A major operation usually means you get to decide visitors. A third degree tear caused by anything BUT a baby would mean you could choose. Serious hormonal changes causing massive mood swings? Same. But somehow, because there's a baby, every woman is supposed to behave like there is no health issue at all.

I was very unwell after and pushed myself much too hard. It affected my recovery.

Hardtopickaname · 09/04/2023 22:03

I understand your desire to want to have space and privacy for babies first days. I was worried about it too as I read so much about recovery time and lifting. But actually having people pop in for an hour or so was fine. As long as it was a limited time and limited people.

I think you have to make clear it's not a family event and there will be no hosting. Explain very clearly they can't all come at once. Our guests were really great and all came with treats for their visit. They all made sure not to overlap as well. If it gets too much and you need a rest just excuse yourself and take yourself to room, likely baby too if your breastfeeding.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 22:05

Isn't that to do with the idea that women are unclean after giving birth?

Plenty of religions have 'unclean' as a reason for sensible things. Seafood and pork are a really bad idea in the desert so they are 'unlcean' as well. Doesn't mean there wasn't a good evolutionary reason for the behaviour starting.

EmilyEmmabob · 09/04/2023 22:06

This thread has gone from how to deal with more family coming to visit than planned to the 'in laws' barging in to be deliberately unhelpful, full of germs, outstaying their welcome, wanting to be waited on etc, etc.

Has it not occurred to some of you that the in laws might not be like this at all? That maybe all that needs to be said is that it's great they all want to visit, could they do it in shifts rather than have everyone there at once? They might even suggest this themselves.

OP, your DH sounds really unsympathetic and really you need to contact your MIL and have a conversation with her.

In laws are not the enemy.
I can't believe someone actually suggested a 'safe word'.

EmilyEmmabob · 09/04/2023 22:09

Mirabai · 09/04/2023 21:48

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

With his revolting comments I’d dig my heels in and cancel the whole lot of them until further notice. But I’m a biatch like that. 😬

You'd punish his whole family because he's an idiot?

MargotBamborough · 09/04/2023 22:14

I'm pretty relaxed about people visiting me after I've had a baby but reading your posts I don't think you're being unreasonable here.

Obviously your DH's parents and grandparents should be able to see the new baby as a priority, which you had already agreed to. But you're not being unreasonable to not want them all descending simultaneously. There's no reason why his siblings and their partners couldn't wait another couple of weeks to give you some breathing space.

Mirabai · 09/04/2023 22:15

EmilyEmmabob · 09/04/2023 22:09

You'd punish his whole family because he's an idiot?

Show quote history

It’s not a question of punishing them - what a weird attitude.

OP’s giving birth, C section, she has the absolute right to insist on conditions around her after birth, after an operation, that work for her. Birth is not a performance. No-one has a god given right to see a baby before the mum is ready.

SemperIdem · 09/04/2023 22:16

Yanbu.

It’s too many people and your partner isn’t exactly signalling that he’ll be making the effort to host.

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 22:18

The entitlement on this thread is awful!! So many people think they should be able to demand to see a baby. I have a son and I like to think if I have a future DIL that I will understand why she may feel more comfortable around her own parents than us at first! Giving birth is such a vulnerable moment and most people will feel it in-laws are coming they have to be up and dressed, acting ok and hosting. Her husband sounds like he wont be much help based on his shitty comments towards her! There’s a reason she’s nervous about this, not to mention they keep adding people to bring

EmilyEmmabob · 09/04/2023 22:19

@Mirabai read your own post! It's not my attitude that's weird. You said you'd cancel the lot of them because of what he said. It isn't their fault that he's awful (or maybe it is?).

Then read my post, of course it is up to the OP. I've given birth, I know what it's like afterwards. But since the husband is being unsympathetic then maybe the OP should contact the in-laws to make sure that they understand.

Cherrysherbet · 09/04/2023 22:22

I think you’re being a bit precious, sorry.

2022again · 09/04/2023 22:25

I think it’s a bit daft to be held to arrangements at this stage anyway, the baby’s not even been born yet, you have no idea how you will feel ,how the baby will be getting along with feeding etc etc…. I was still in hospital for over a week after the birth of both my kids so wouldn’t have wanted anyone rocking up so soon as we were all in an absolute state. And I agree,no need for the whole lot to arrive in 1 go, I can understand your in laws wanting to come but surely the rest can wait.

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 09/04/2023 22:27

Blergh. This attitude on MN of my family can come whenever they want but the in laws have different rules is really off.

They are waiting ten days and are staying in a hotel. They are clearly not unreasonable.

But where you really lost me OP was when you said to a poster “this has clearly triggered you. You must only have sons”. You sound like an absolute knob.

ThinWomansBrain · 09/04/2023 22:28

why not say that MIL, step Dad - the original visiting party is fine, but you're unsure you'll feel up to the extended family the same weekend, but you'll let them know if you feel up to it once you're home after the birth (unless one of the younger family members is driving, but the GFs etc sounds excessive)

EmJay19 · 09/04/2023 22:28

Absolutely no no no to any overnight guests in the first three months.

having a baby is amazing.
its also a massive whirlwind and chaotic time where people need their personal space.

they will expect you to make them tea all day and god knows what else, sort their rooms blah blah blah.

in first 12 weeks all visitors should really ask is to be allowed in and maybe hold baby for 5 mins.

DH needs to send links to local hotels.

Sighhhhh · 09/04/2023 22:29

Yeah and some people are just ridiculous and obtuse. I have several DBs and gave space to SILs who had just given birth. A few days ago I spent HOURS cooking for DB and his DW who had a week old baby (first time seeing them since baby was born). I’m all for families pitching in, not staying for too long at a time and not expecting to be “hosted”. Even baby’s maternal GM being there first to support her DD is fine. But a blanket ban on the paternal family (while maternal family can come and go) is unfair and inconsistent with the effort and equality the baby’s M will no doubt like to see later on from the “in-laws”.

Sighhhhh · 09/04/2023 22:30

@Miajk

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