In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

[inky1991]

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

I haven't seen anyone saying they are demanding to see the baby but I would hope your son would want you to meet their child before 10 days/2 weeks if you were available to do so. I'm not talking about the minute after giving birth but in the first day or so. I am not close to DHs dad and I am not massively comfortable around him but I still ensured he was able to visit as it would seem hugely unfair on DH for me to not allow this. I made sure I fed DS before he came and he only ever stayed an hour or so.

They're staying in a hotel. They haven't made any demands at all.
12 weeks? Really?
I think after 12 weeks of being made to feel like an inconvenience for wanting a relationship with their grandchild they will have most likely given up.

@ImAGoodPerson I just don’t see the difference between meeting them at 3 weeks or meeting them in the first days? I truly don’t get it. I will go whenever I’m invited to and anytime I’m asked!

@EmilyEmmabob if not being able to stay at their sons home in the first 3 months of him having a newborn makes them stop any effort then they are shitty grandparents.

OP will be the one recovering from major abdominal surgery. Not her idiot of a husband who is somewhat curiously telling her to 'man up', or somehow knows exactly how 'easy' it is to grow a small human and go through the grueling process of giving birth.

OP, this is your home, you are the patient, you face a possible 12-week recovery period from the surgery and are well within your rights to ask for a bit of space in the more trying early days to help you rest and give your body chance to recover. The baby's going nowhere, and a few days is not going to make any difference to their relationship with their grandparents.

I'm completely at sea as to what exactly is 'controlling' about any of the above.

YANBU. And your husband needs a hard reality check.

Omg I have just realised FTM means (in this case) first time mother. I really need to stay off the sex and gender pages 🙈

That's fine, you don't have to understand, many people do though. I can't understand how you can't see a difference between seeing a newborn baby and a 3 week old, esp if it's your own grandchild but we dont all have to feel the same. Hopefully you would be asked before a couple of weeks, in the real world most grandparents meet their grandchildren in the first couple of days if they are able to. If you are not asked you can't force them but as this thread shows many would be upset and most wouldn't say their parents/in laws can't visit early on.

Agree with this. I was mostly with the OP until this was said. Really did make you come across as a bit of a dick - and I am not a mother of sons before you throw that insult at me too

Have you read about the fourth trimester? Definitely worth getting your DP to read about it. Baby should be mainly with you if you want yo establish bf. I would keep it very clear if they come it's only two at a time and baby will be with you. If they want to help cooking and cleaning will be much appreciated!

No not because of what he said, but his total lack of understanding would simply strengthen my resolve to insist on what I needed. If he’s not going to advocate for her she needs to advocate for herself.

It’s weird to think that delaying in-laws seeing the baby is some kind of “punishment” - it’s not. No-one is entitled to see someone else’s baby! They’re adults they can wait until OP’s ready.

Lovely way to talk to an anxious mum about to give birth for the first time in just a week.

This site.😒

Thanks to everyone who has been supportive and understanding of FTM anxiety. There's also a lot of harsh responses on here from people who haven't actually read my posts properly, and assumed I've put a blanket 2 week ban on in-laws. It would really help if you'd read it all properly before being so judgmental and cruel. I have never once said I have put a 2 week ban on in-laws only.

To update, I've decided to allow ALL extended family to come when they want, but I will enforce shorter or staged visits if I'm not up for them being here all hours. DH has apologised for harsh comments made in heat of argument earlier. He's also agreed to host and clean and help me get rid of any visitors that may outstay their welcome

My In-laws are kind and lovely people mostly, so I don't think they're the sort to sit on their arse all day not offering any help.

I was just feeling overwhelmed at the thought of all these air b n bs being booked up before baby has even arrived, and before I know how birth and recovery will be.

I hope that clears everything up.

My mum taught me a rule after i had my first child: you never visit someone who has just had a baby for more than an hour. I actually think it was half an hour but can't remember. She was most insistent and said it was the done thing.

That said, Mill was a godsend after my second was born - so much cooking, cleaning, bedtime, making a fuss if DC1, holding DC2.

Perhaps they'll be useful? But there's many horror stories on here of pushy post birth visitors.

If you don't postpone them, do understand you're allowed to hole up in bed with baby whilst DH brings you snacks.

Google bedding in/ lying in
And
The fourth trimester

And know that the improvement in how you feel after a cesction usually improves rapidly after 48 hours - 1 week. I didn't know how I'd ever be any use again at first but don't judge the end of week two by the start of week 1 post op and worry.

Good luck!

@ImAGoodPerson well as my own husband didn’t get to meet his son again until nearly 10 days old due to him being hospitalized and brutal Covid rules meaning only I was allowed to be in the hospital with my baby, NO I really don’t think grandparents are owed time until parents tell them it’s ok. My son seriously wasn’t much different when he went home to when he was first born. It’s not like he came home walking and talking. I’d rather my future daughter in law not think I was pushy.

It's entirely up to you. Regardless of what anybody else thinks.

Take charge. You decide.

You don’t get free rein to be offensive because you are about to give birth.

@Womencanlift

Agree with this. I was mostly with the OP until this was said. Really did make you come across as a bit of a dick - and I am not a mother of sons before you throw that insult at me too

Sure, may have been an unfairly harsh comment from me, but the poster I was replying to kept consistently misquoting me and being cruel.

My experience on MN, is the people who lack compassion and understanding of postpartum visitation worries, usually say they only have sons. It's nice to be understanding of DILS anxieties too.

I don't get the wanting to shut yourself away with the baby I think it's more likely to cause anxiety and PND. I only see this with PFB most people are happy after the second for visitors . The Ils are also the babies relatives Feed before they come round they are staying in a hotel , make sure DH knows the boundaries he will be responsible for hosting. You won't be doing any of that. They won't be there for long and it's probably important to DH as they are his family and this is his first child.

I had 3 x c sections & for each my parents & in laws visited us at the hospital within 12 hours of the baby being born. Stayed no more than an hour & it was fine. Visiting time is quite short & baby very sleepy after being born, so it was an easy visit each time.

I think it helped seeing them so quickly as when we got home, they'd already had a cuddle etc & it meant we had no pressure to see them straight away & could get used to our life with new DC at home.

I get why you're concerned, but I do think it's unreasonable to effectively ban his family. Allow a few of them to meet the baby at a time (definitely not all at yours at once) and for an hour or two tops. During these visits, you stay sat down & don't move - at all. He can do absolutely everything as they are his family- from making tea to putting the hoover round.

To be honest, I was happy to see people for an hour or two when we got home, as it's nice to share the excitement in having a newborn.

I was also very active after each birth, especially DC3 - I was driving again at 2 weeks post birth & walking round asda doing the weekly shop within 3 with DC left at home with DH.

Try to see his side of this & if possible agree for a 1 / 2 hour visit by his family in 2s or 3s over the first week or two as a compromise.

YABU. You have to let the grandparents visit. Mine were round before I got home from the hospital. You have to suck it up I'm afraid. It's not about you it's about their sons baby.

This all day. Yanbu. Your birth, your baby, your home, your choice.

Um... It is a little bit about me though, isn't it?

It's not "her baby" the baby is also part of DHs family. I'm so glad I have a daughter must be horrible being pushed out. My MIL annoys me sometimes but she and DD have an amazing bond which I'm grateful for. Also she will babysit whenever she can.

No, she really doesn’t have to suck it up.

This is exactly why many DIL’s are not at all keen to rush having their in laws visit, because of the “it’s about the baby not you, you are merely a vessel” attitude.

WTF is this comment 😂🙈 have you had a bad day?

she’s about to have major surgery. She might be unwell for a while or not be able to move around freely. She might need to be cluster feeding her baby.

Just because you did something doesn’t mean everyone else has to do the same.