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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Sighhhhh · 09/04/2023 21:31

On MN, it’s shocking to see how many advocate denying the baby’s F the opportunity to introduce his newborn to his family a few days after the birth.

If the “in-laws” (obviously never viewed as GPs or aunties/uncles) didn’t bother, the baby’s M would have a problem. It’s pretty awful how people only want to view and be viewed by their in-laws as equal with birth families when it comes to effort, babysitting or inheritance from in-laws.

Nosleepforthismum · 09/04/2023 21:31

Came on this thread with excitement because we are going to nearly be c-section buddies! This one is my second though so I’m way more relaxed this time around.

Your DH is being a bit of a knob. All the family are also being way too pushy so I completely understand you feel overwhelmed before baby is even here. However, you may not be bothered by a two-week bubble when it actually comes to it. I was desperate to show my DS off by day 4 because I was just in awe at how I produced such a perfect baby and was practically marching around with him held aloft like in the Lion King.

Having said that, I found my recovery straight forward but no family members were invited to stay with us (including my own because there is a limit to how many hours a day I was prepared to put a bra on and frankly I just wanted to relax in my own home rather than play host). I would be tough with your DH and just say you are not going to make any firm plans until baby is here and family are welcome to visit (when you feel up to it) but definitely no staying over.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/04/2023 21:32

Your baby isn't a toy that needs to be shared around and do whatever you feel you need to do to bond. Take care of yourself first OP! My husband seemed more concerned about his mums feelings than mine when I was pregnant, but once he saw me give birth he totally got it.

When they do come do NOT lift a finger. Your husband doesn't offer tea? Then don't offer it either.

Broadbeachshallow · 09/04/2023 21:32

Strictly1 · 09/04/2023 21:24

And then in a few months we read ‘the ILs don’t make much effort with the baby…’. It is his baby too!

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And that makes it his job to make sure mum and baby are well and happy. Mum and baby are the priority, not the wider family. When she's ready to see people, she will. That might be 5 hours, might be 15 days.

Peachy2005 · 09/04/2023 21:33

My midwife (homebirth) told DH nobody was allowed visit unless they were making themselves useful…bringing food, putting on a wash, taking older child out to the playground, loading dishwasher, running the hoover around and definitely not expecting to be hosted…and mum (me) got to stay in bed: they could poke their head around the door to say hi. I recall it was a pretty relaxing few weeks!

Sweetlikecandy · 09/04/2023 21:34

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:11

Your in-laws met your baby when they were 1? Jesus that's awful unless it was when we were in the full blown Covid lockdown then I can understand.

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My in-laws also met my baby when he one. Actually, he was 15 months. We had invited them over (from abroad) but they declined….

katepilar · 09/04/2023 21:37

This should all be about your needs after you give birth. Not about people wanting to see the baby. You should be the one saying if you are up to meeting people and for how long. And you dont need to have it set in stone now as your feelings may change. And if they come they should offer help and not bother you with being in your face if you dont want to talk to them or expose yourself half naked in your bed.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/04/2023 21:38

Thepossibility · 09/04/2023 21:15

I think because it's less awkward with your own family seeing you breastfeeding awkwardly while basically incoherent from lack of sleep. Often while in pain.
With one of mine my birth injuries were so bad I wet myself every time I moved also so yeah. There is that.
Very hard to host strangers when you are so, so SO far from your best.

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Because ILs generally care less about the mum once the baby is here. The mums family will be worried about the mums recovery, wellbeing etc. In laws very quickly forget about the mums needs, i dont think its on purpose, really. My in laws expected lunch when they came to meet my daughter.

Cantseethewindows · 09/04/2023 21:38

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 20:48

@Cantseethewindows I had my child in a 2020 lockdown so we had no help and I disagree with your post fully. You not having help in a lockdown isn’t the same as OP not wanting her in laws to come and barge into her home with loads of them when she may not be up to it and with a very YOUNG baby. I’d have wanted my mum around and nobody else. You’re being unreasonable to put what you’d want on OP, she’s entitled to not want her husbands family invading her space and being pushy

I know, which is why I said it was very Four Yorkshiremen of me (look it up if you don't get the reference). Even before that experience, I didn't get the ban on anyone seeing the baby though. Maybe it's because I'm an extrovert, but I loved being able to show my babies off asap.

I'm sorry, it was a self-indulgent post. I think I incurred lasting emotional damage from my experience and wanted to vent. Wrong thread.

katepilar · 09/04/2023 21:38

Peachy2005 · 09/04/2023 21:33

My midwife (homebirth) told DH nobody was allowed visit unless they were making themselves useful…bringing food, putting on a wash, taking older child out to the playground, loading dishwasher, running the hoover around and definitely not expecting to be hosted…and mum (me) got to stay in bed: they could poke their head around the door to say hi. I recall it was a pretty relaxing few weeks!

Yes. This.

Miajk · 09/04/2023 21:40

saraclara · 09/04/2023 20:12

The grandparents deserve to see the baby after ten days. That's already a long time to wait.
Maybe your DH's parents and grandparents could come down first, and his siblings another time?

"deserve"? What the hell?

Do people really feel so entitled?

OP deserves rest and privacy after going through a pretty major physical, emotional and psychological experience.

2 weeks is not a long time to wait. The baby is not a toy or some kind of community property.

Hellybelly84 · 09/04/2023 21:40

You do exactly what you want. Its your body and you’ve just carried a baby for 9 months. You have them round when you are comfortable with it. Your baby is not a doll to be passed around and if you want a little bubble for the first few weeks, you make sure you have it.

I said no vistors to the hospital first time (MIL wanted to but my Husband told her politely no). That was our time in our bubble (working out what to do with a newborn!) and im so glad we had that time. I was happy with visitors a few days later (not staying, just visiting) but it is what you are comfortable with. If you do feel upto visits in that first few weeks, make sure you are clear its a quick cuppa and you need your own time as a little family.

Rainbowshit · 09/04/2023 21:42

YA B ridiculously U

Miajk · 09/04/2023 21:43

Sighhhhh · 09/04/2023 21:31

On MN, it’s shocking to see how many advocate denying the baby’s F the opportunity to introduce his newborn to his family a few days after the birth.

If the “in-laws” (obviously never viewed as GPs or aunties/uncles) didn’t bother, the baby’s M would have a problem. It’s pretty awful how people only want to view and be viewed by their in-laws as equal with birth families when it comes to effort, babysitting or inheritance from in-laws.

Jesus some people try their best not to think apparently.

The baby's F didn't just give birth. The baby's F is not recovering, bleeding, breastfeeding, going through hormonal changes.

Actually he hasn't had to do much at all and now he can't even do the bare minimum of supporting his partner and having the decency to allow her time and privacy for 2 weeks!

Cantseethewindows · 09/04/2023 21:44

Mumoftwosweetboys · 09/04/2023 21:00

@Suzi888 same with my first 🙄

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Same with my first, totally planned and I absolutely loved it! We're all different 🤷🏼‍♀️

Miajk · 09/04/2023 21:45

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:17

Well it is bizarre because she wants a 2 week bubble but only from her in-laws not her own family.

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How is that bizzare?

Having your mum around to help you and look after you is not the same as hosting in laws who just want to see the baby and most of the time can't even respect being told no/asked to wait.

changeme4this · 09/04/2023 21:45

Yes the extended family in one bus load visit sounds a bit much. Hopefully they will arm themselves with plenty of food and take care of you and the house while visiting… yet if it feels overwhelming, say so. The mothers in the group will (should) understand.

in the meanwhile, start making a list of your expectations for DH and give it to him. Buy in extra grocery items so he can be on meals duty for the first few weeks. I found shopping a problem as a first time mum.

but in the words of the nurse conducting who ran the pre natal classes, how you are going to feel and what you experience is out of your control until it happens. If you feel lousy afterwards, simply say no to the bus load coming in.

nighthawk99 · 09/04/2023 21:47

You say 'my' baby, but you mean 'our' baby.It is just as much your DH's baby. Let him and the ILs crack on with the babe downstairs whilst you get some shut eye

Cantseethewindows · 09/04/2023 21:47

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:09

@PrincessofWellies I'm so sorry you've not been able to see the baby. I only have a daughter and I would be upset if she treated her future in-laws like that. That's why I'm glad when it comes to things like this I have a daughter and not a son. I couldn't bare to be pushed out.

Way to go with the usual MN favours daughters nonsense! Though it would have been worse if you'd said you were teaching her not to stick to her boundaries...

Mirabai · 09/04/2023 21:48

He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

With his revolting comments I’d dig my heels in and cancel the whole lot of them until further notice. But I’m a biatch like that. 😬

saraclara · 09/04/2023 21:49

Floralnomad · 09/04/2023 20:55

14 days after major abdomen surgery? You're not even meant to lift things like a pint of milk for the first 8 weeks?!
Stop being so dramatic , I was driving 10 days after my ELCS and managing perfectly well . Obviously different people recover in different ways but it’s always best to go at it with a positive attitude .

Ha! I had the same reaction.

The pint of milk/kettle thing is laughable when your C section is for your second child and you have a toddler to wrangle once the dad is back at work!

I don't think my section was a breeze or a drama. Just a normal one. And after a week I was moving around pretty normally. And had no problem with people popping in for an hour or so at a time that suited me.

Simply say that you'll play it by ear, and if the family are happy to stay elsewhere and entertain themselves for much if the time, you'll decide visit timings when you know how it's all going.

HappyMeal564 · 09/04/2023 21:51

Let them come and see the baby. They aren't staying with you just popping in. Trust me you'll want a loving family for your child, don't isolate yourself, it's hard doing it all on your own

Original poster
inky1991 · 09/04/2023 21:53

@hoover12345

Well it is bizarre because she wants a 2 week bubble but only from her in-laws not her own family.

Ffs, read what I've actually written - not just want you want to assume.

I said from the outset I ideally wanted a 2 week bubble from extended visitors - because I'm a FTM and don't know how I'll be feeling. I already relaxed on that when I realised I was being unfair to in-laws and I would probably be fine.

The bone of contention is the amount of visitors in one go! I don't have much family myself so would never have this many people from my side arriving in one go. And yes I would say to same to my family too if that were the case.

This has obviously triggered you, I'm guessing you only have sons. Your compassion and understanding is unwavering 🙄

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2023 21:53

I know, it's ridiculous! Get over yourself ffs. Women have been giving birth for millenia, and only in the last 20 years have they decided (in the UK) they need to be in a bubble for 2 weeks after giving birth, and God help anyone who trespasses on the sacred bubble.

Maybe crack a book. Everywhere from Europe to China, a 'lying-in' period after (and sometimes before) birth was fairly typical. Anywhere from two weeks to two months. Hospitals were even sometimes called lying in hospitals. Sometimes visitors were welcome but usually female visitors. I assume if and when invited! Women weren't expected to host and even sometimes weren't expected to get out of bed. There would have been special food and drink.

I would assume that higher levels of infant and maternal mortality would be experienced when women were out and about catching all sorts and doing too much. Lying in would have prevented that. I also assume that BFing was easier with female relations helping (probably experienced) and no male relatives around.

I'm not saying that you should do that, just that if it's been a feature on history, it probably did have benefits.

Ifyoudreamofsanddunes · 09/04/2023 21:55

Completely understandable. I stayed in a 2 week bubble with my second and it was an absolute game changer. Breastfeeding felt less daunting, I napped whenever I could, my body was in such a state (11lb natural birth 😬) that staying in bed and resting pretty much the whole time helped immensely in my recovery.
You do you. You are so vulnerable in those first couple of weeks, if having visitors feels too much then just hold off. No one else needs to understand, it's about you.