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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:10

Floralnomad · 09/04/2023 20:55

14 days after major abdomen surgery? You're not even meant to lift things like a pint of milk for the first 8 weeks?!
Stop being so dramatic , I was driving 10 days after my ELCS and managing perfectly well . Obviously different people recover in different ways but it’s always best to go at it with a positive attitude .

Totally agree. Many people have toddlers to look after also, DH had 10 days off and thats it, not sure what I was supposed to do with a 2 yo that may need lifting🤣

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:10

PizzaPizza56 · 09/04/2023 20:59

This is a genuine question - does it not invalidate your insurance if you drive before 6 weeks after your CS?

Show quote history

No, most policies do not have any such clause.

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:11

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 20:45

@PrincessofWellies my family didn’t meet my son until he was 5 weeks old due to Covid and us being anxious. Not to mention he nearly died and we were both still recovering! They were overjoyed to finally meet him. My in laws met him when he was 1! As we said they could journey to us to see him. There’s no bad feeling either side. You need to grow up and stop feeling sorry for yourself. It’s not about you!

Your in-laws met your baby when they were 1? Jesus that's awful unless it was when we were in the full blown Covid lockdown then I can understand.

Morningcoffeeview · 09/04/2023 21:13

One of my biggest regrets with DS1 is traipsing round relatives as soon as I was released from hospital. My DH dragged me out and I wish I’d just stayed home and had some peace and quiet. I knew better with no.2 and insisted on staying home and no visitors. Do what you’re comfortable with Op.

Mariposista · 09/04/2023 21:13

What’s the betting OP’s side of the family will be treated veeeeery differently lol 🤣

ImAGoodPerson · 09/04/2023 21:14

OldFan · 09/04/2023 21:02

I would be absolutely devastated if my DCs did this

@ImAGoodPerson Why? You just have to wait a week or so longer to see them. No one dies.

We're all allowed our own opinions. My family would have been devastated to not meet their first grandson/nephew etc for a fortnight. I wanted them to meet you DCs straight away. It's how much family is and TBH I have never heard on anyone being different on RL. Even my close friends would have met my DCs on day 1 or 2 and vice versa. Newborns change massively in 2 weeks. I think it's really sad personally and to say no one dies is ridiculous, you could apply that to any situation that makes someone sad that doesn't involve someone dying.

Thepossibility · 09/04/2023 21:15

IWineAndDontDine · 09/04/2023 20:30

I agree with the first bit 🤣 it's always a relatively unreasonable post with a hugely offensive comment thrown in by partner to make people switch sides.

Why is it FTM want "isolated baby bubbles" from their in laws but never their families? I'm sure it's a control thing

Show quote history

I think because it's less awkward with your own family seeing you breastfeeding awkwardly while basically incoherent from lack of sleep. Often while in pain.
With one of mine my birth injuries were so bad I wet myself every time I moved also so yeah. There is that.
Very hard to host strangers when you are so, so SO far from your best.

Mammyloveswine · 09/04/2023 21:16

Eh? There's two bank holiday weekends 10 days after you have the baby.. almost 2 weeks., you want a 2 week bubble..,

Op it will be fine! Make sure DH runs around after you...

Maybe I'm just relaxed but I had a houseful the day after having both Ds'!

hoover12345 · 09/04/2023 21:17

Tophy124 · 09/04/2023 20:53

@JudgeJ well if someone lives close they are obviously going to meet baby first! But sure make it an in-law issue. Bizarre.

Well it is bizarre because she wants a 2 week bubble but only from her in-laws not her own family.

gonkk · 09/04/2023 21:18

If they're coming down on those dates and not staying with you I think it's a bit unfair, seeing as they're in the area, not to let them come and see the new arrival of their family.

Your husband sounds like a prick. But for the purposes of this thread, YABU. Put boundaries in place. They can only stay for X amount of time and they have to help themselves to tea and coffee etc.

But to totally exclude a whole side of a family 2 weeks after birth when they're coming to you, I think I'd really unfair.

Presuming you won't be excluding your own mum but haven't RTFT

PinkPink1 · 09/04/2023 21:20

@inky1991 I am also a FTM and will be having a c-section. You could compromise by agreeing that your DH‘s parents can visit once you’ve left the hospital, but no one else in his family within that first 2 weeks because you need time to heal. I want to see my parents and siblings and DP’s parents. No one else for a little while. They can wait.

itsgettingweird · 09/04/2023 21:20

Another who has only ever heard of the family free post bubble on MN.

A planned c section shouldn't mean after 2 weeks you're not up for visitors for a few hours a day.

But I'd make sure DH was the one doing the hosting with regards providing drinks and snacks etc.

Then I'd sit back, relax and enjoy everyone else looking after the baby whilst I enjoyed my provided drinks and snacks!

jannier · 09/04/2023 21:22

It's very fashionable in the US to exclude and isolate in a bubble really don't get it ....but your OH needs to man up and take over all household chores including entertaining visitors.

itsgettingweird · 09/04/2023 21:23

I just need to berate DH for saying I'm having baby painlessly cut out of me 😬. What a fucking knob

You may be pleasantly surprised about the pain levels.

I has more pain after my planned laparoscopic hysterectomy than I did my emergency c section where I was cut, stitched and stapled!

Strictly1 · 09/04/2023 21:24

Broadbeachshallow · 09/04/2023 20:12

You know what? Do whatever the hell you want. YOU carried that baby for 9 months, you are having major surgery to deliver, you are establishing breastfeeding. No one's feelings - no one's - matter more than yours. Doesn't matter if they feel hurt or left out or that you're a primadonna - and your dh is an utter twat to have suggested that. If he was giving birth it would be another story!

You aren't keen on guests. He needs to support you. A good man would run interference with his family, not force an unwanted horde of houseguests on you 10 days post-birth.

I'm sure some posters would be fine hosting a wedding reception for their in-laws 10 days after a c-section, complete with making the cake.

But that isn't you. Act in your own self-interest. No houseguests. Visitors allowed in small numbers, for a short time. They stay in hotels, not your house.

This is one time in your life when it bloody well is all about you.

And then in a few months we read ‘the ILs don’t make much effort with the baby…’. It is his baby too!

CabbageKale · 09/04/2023 21:25

You are not the bloody entertainment! No-one has a right to come round just because they are related to the new baby.

I'd say to them that you aren't making plans yet. You will see how you feel once you have had surgery, started BF and see how the baby settles. How on earth would you know if you are going to be capable of hosting or not.

Whatever happens sit on your arse, blanket and baby on knees, and don't move. Let "D"H do the hosting.

YfenniChristie · 09/04/2023 21:25

YANBU.

I would see how you feel after the birth but I would want at least a week's breathing space before I had visitors round. Also your DH needs to give his head a wobble!

When we were expecting DS last year we told both our parents that we wanted two weeks of just us three (fine with my parents, not so much with the in-laws).

I had an emergency c-section, was in hospital for 4 days - at home I was put on a breastfeeding plan of every 2hrs (30mins each boob, plus 30mins pumping, then sleep for 30mins before starting the whole thing again!), midwife visits, breastfeeding support team visits, needing to take regular painkillers, injecting blood thinners, DS having multiple checks for jaundice - we didn't know if we were coming or going and neither of us were in any fit state to have visitors round.

Vgt6y357 · 09/04/2023 21:26

BeaRightThere · 09/04/2023 19:53

Ridiculously unreasonable. It's only on Mumsnet that you hear about new mothers wanting to be in a bubble excluding visitors.

I know, it's ridiculous! Get over yourself ffs. Women have been giving birth for millenia, and only in the last 20 years have they decided (in the UK) they need to be in a bubble for 2 weeks after giving birth, and God help anyone who trespasses on the sacred bubble.

PollyPut · 09/04/2023 21:27

No, you're not being unreasonable. Anything could happen - in 2 weeks we were barely out of hospital.

Has your DH been to any parenting classes? If your having a C section then lifting anything (including the baby) is going to be hard. I hope he is going to be there to help you change the nappies, and lift the baby out of the cot to you to be fed, and back again. After 2 weeks he is going to be sleep deprived, just like you. You cannot drive, or lift heavy cooking dishes 2 weeks after a C section so all the serving tea/biscuits etc will have to be done by him. Equially he will need to cook most meals for whoever is there, as you can't be lifting the dishes for a while.

Doesn't sound like he realises this yet.

Have them for short visits if the bank holiday works, but he needs to do all the host/feeding, and they need to only come at the time that suits you (i.e. post baby feed) and he will need to liaise with them to say come at x oclock today for half an hour - there is a window when baby has finished feed before they go to sleep.

If your house is massive then he can host and you and baby can hide. But if not then it's going to need to be v short visits so early on.

I would buy a good selection of biscuits (or cakes with long expiry dates) now so they are in the cupboard, DH has something to serve then

Cherry2456 · 09/04/2023 21:27

If a man had major surgery, had to look after a baby and pounce round a bunch of relatives coming round do you think he would do it? Do what’s best for you. Don’t stress yourself out and feel like you have to people please.

Wildflowermoon · 09/04/2023 21:27

YANBU it’s all a bit overwhelming and the last thing you need right now is people planning visits before you’ve even given birth! Can’t they all just hang back and wait until the baby is born to see how you feel/what date he’s born etc.

I have a 7 week old, c-sec baby and we’ve been in hospital twice since birth because DS has had bouts of bronchitis, you can’t ever be sure where it’s come from but sadly we had visitors who seemed a bit like they had a cold but never said anything so I’m now feeling so guilty that we allowed so many visitors to come in the early days.

I liked one of the suggestions too where you stay upstairs in bed and DH brings the baby down for a short period but back up to you while you’re resting.

I also think DH should be going straight to the doghouse for being so inconsiderate with his knee jerk reaction!!

nobodygirl2023 · 09/04/2023 21:28

YANBU at all & I'm shocked so many people think you are. I still didn't know what planet I was on 2 weeks after both c-sections and asked for no visitors for a week at least & that we'd let people know when we were ready (it was around 7-10 days for extended family....earlier for our parents). We got a lot of push back but at end of the day - you'll have had major surgery, be uncomfortable, likely sleep deprived, leaking breast milk & unlikely to be out of your PJs - who wants to entertain visitors during all that? Don't put other people's impatience & some old fashioned notion of sucking it up before what you feel personally comfortable with.

Businessflake · 09/04/2023 21:28

Curiosity101 · 09/04/2023 19:56

YANBU - You're recovering from something major. Personally I didn't want to see anyone for weeks after having my boys. I just wanted to be left alone to look after them and adjust.

I think you need to talk to your DH some more and hopefully he'll come round.

Worst case scenario I would suggest the best option (if they have to come round), is to suggest they only stay for an hour or two and your DH facilitates. Let him know baby can go downstairs whilst you rest upstairs and he'll bring the baby back to you immediately if they fuss. But that you don't want to be disturbed. If you're feeling up to interacting with people on the day then great, but at least then if you're feeling how to expect to feel then you can use it as a way to get an hour or twos break.

They’ll think you’re an absolute fruit loop if you hide away upstairs and DH carries the baby back and forth without you being seen or heard at all.

You’re having a baby. Many hundreds of women manage this every day.

chazabella · 09/04/2023 21:30

If I was you I would tell dp you are more then happy for everyone to come under the following rules,

  1. You will not be hosting and dp can do this
  2. When it is time to fed the baby everyone can either leave or you will take the baby into your room to do so as it is your bonding stage and also you feel uncomfortable around them feeding.
  3. They are not welcome all day (do a time slot that suits you and your new family)
  4. If the baby is crying and you want them back they must be handed to you or dp
  5. No unsolicited advice (we'll back in my day we would never do this...)
  6. Make sure no one is ill, the last thing you need to a sick baby never mind a sick you trying to care for a newborn and recovery
  7. Don't come empty handed even if it's a packet of 55p custard cremes

Also set up a code word between you both if things are getting to much for you for dp to either grab the baby for you to go up with them or for dp to make an excuse for everyone to leave.

End of the day it's easier if they call come at once so it's not a dragged out process but it can get very overwhelming. Iv not had a c section but have known people some where handing it very well even a few days later other still weren't a few weeks later only you will know at the time. Don't feel like you need to put a brave face on if you in pain say so etc.

Good luck and enjoy your bundle of joy they grow so quickly x

Clementineorsatsuma · 09/04/2023 21:31

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:57

I only have my mum and step dad around the corner, I don't have much other family. My Dad will pop down briefly too from London.

It's not that I don't want in-laws to visit baby - I'm very excited for them to! It's more how many of them are coming down at the same time!

If DH acted a bit more caring about my feelings, I would probably not have my back up about it. Once baby is here I'll hopefully realise that I'll feel fine to have lots of visitors. Atm it's just the unknown, and having the thought of loads of guests arriving, playing pass the parcel with a baby etc....and he's not even here yet!

So when is your Mum visiting? Also excluded for 2 weeks?