In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

[inky1991]

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

@inky1991 you have to find your voice!

As PP have said, you may find you are ok after C-section, you may find it hard. BF takes a lot of energy and time to establish most of the time, and you want support.

I know DH has apologized, but I would be so pissed at him.

I remember being made to feel like an animal in a zoo with my PFB as DH invited everyone to come and visit. It was exhausting and overwhelming. I did not put myself through that with any of the others (all C-section as well, so I had recovery to deal with on top of everything else!).

And the reason it's always the in laws is because our mothers ways are familiar to us from childhood. Our MIL's ways are not. My MIL made such a fuss over everything, it was awful and I couldn't wait for her to leave. Up until then, we had a great relationship. She also expected to take my EBF baby off with her, whenever she wanted, and told all of her friends that she couldn't because 'she doesn't trust me'. It took a lot of patience on my side for our relationship to recover after that, and I shall remember how it felt when my DS' become parents. (And no, my parents did not do that. They cooked and cleaned for me, and made sure I was rested. Yes, they loved the babies but their focus was on me first).

People go batshit crazy over a new baby.

Put Strict rules in place. Visitors can stay for an hour at a time and then they have to leave. You will not host/feed them. You need to rest. Simples.

OP, I am totally with you on this. I'm in a similar situation. My in-laws have actually invited themselves to stay to be at ours when we bring the new baby home, they live across the other side of the world and want to stay for 2 months in total. A month before the birth and a month after. I am currently having some very difficult conversations with my husband. I don't mind them visiting once we have settled the new baby in, but I definitely don't want them staying here when I bring the new baby home. Fuck that.

Mmmm the ‘why would you think the PiLs would be over bearing’ team

are overlooking that nine members of teh extended family are planned to
be there.

that’s INSANE

I find it very unlikely BILs girlfriend or similar is really that interested.

why so many? It does sound like someone closer revving up more extended family members to come so they can show off their grandchild.

if they’re all coming I’d set out now the plan.

eg Full lot around once for tea 2-4pm on this day.

PILs can come more often but for an hour max, wtx

if it’s going well and you’re happy you can always invite more.

Maybe they’re doing a group trip to london and other family members aren’t that bothered but better to set expectations now so there’s no complaints about ‘coming all that way for an hour or so’ later

i think it’s fine to not allow visitors for a set period of time, just as long as you don’t expect to give a shit about the baby going forward.

YABU. It's really only on Mumsnet that I've heard about people pulling this incredibly precious stuff after the birth of their child.

God ...

It's really important for you, your recovery, your milk, that you can relax and rest. Visits should be short, maximum an hour, and ideally no more than 2 people. You may cope with a morning and afternoon visit, if spaced out. In first week both sets of grandparents, your and husband's siblings, but not girlfriends. See how it goes, your husband needs to be the gatekeeper, putting people off if necessary. It can't be emphasised too much how tired you both will be, and how important it is in these first weeks to get a routine established. Lots of different people around can cause disruption, particularly if they want to hold the baby.

I had exactly this and hated it but the baby is theirs too so it would have been mean to try to control too much access. Just stay in the bedroom while dh and baby do the rounds. Extended family are not there to see you so enjoy the time off. Make sure you have spare babygrows and a hat though. When our dd was returned, she stank of mil’s perfume and I couldn’t produce milk. Thereafter baby was always thoroughly protected with clothing to avoid issues and would be changed as soon as I was given her back. I can see why animals leave their babies if they smell different!

I had 2 c sections. They’re not always horrendous. 2nd time around I came home after 3 days and I had a 17 mth old at home who definitely needed some mum cuddles. So I’m cackling about the poster claiming you can’t lift a pint of milk for 6 weeks. I was driving after 2 weeks!

If they’re not staying with you I don’t see the problem. Take advantage of the extra hands to get some rest. Also this is the time that you and your DH need to be a team. A bit of compromise now might help with that. He’s excited about the new arrival and wants to share that with his family. It’s a lovely thing.

You hated it and list all the negative effects but allowed it anyway so as not to be mean?
That's so sad. You are important. Your baby is important. You are the most important to your baby. Your job is to put baby first. You job is to control what goes on (why is "control" always a negative? Baby can't control anything so needs parents to look out for them).
Sorry you went through that but can't believe you think everyone else should do the same.

This

I had 4 c-sections. The first, second and last were fine. (Although I did pop stitches with second, cuddling my 14 month old! That was easily fixed though). The third was awful and it took me three weeks to be able to stand up straight. The fourth, I practically skipped out of the hospital.

I'm pleased you were fine after yours and feeling fit and healthy. Hopefully the OP will be too! But don't dismiss others who might err on the side of precaution. It's an every day procedure, but that doesn't mean it isn't a major operation.

I’d like to rebut some posters claims about both inlaws and c-sections.

”People aren’t that interested in the baby”
I beg to differ, members of Dp’s family were clamouring to see the baby, while I was still being sewn up. When they first visited the baby, as soon as they left were setting up their next visit. Since we allowed visits, we see his family 2-3 days of each week. They still complain it’s not enough. And think I’m not being accommodating enough.

“I was driving a car at 2 weeks” Well that was definitely not my experience of a c section, multiple infections, incision not closing until 12 weeks. We didn’t have the inlaws visit till 2 weeks and I wish it had been far longer to give me a chance to recover.

“They won’t stay longer than an hour”. All the inlaws from my dp’s side of the family have to be asked to leave and would stay hours upon hours if allowed. They don’t bring food, don’t help out (when asked to make their own cup of tea, cue massive complaints), criticise everything.

It is fair for the woman’s family to visit first. The mother will feel comfortable stating their needs to their own family, and their family is to see their own daughter first and make sure she is happy, then the baby. When my inlaws came to visit they didn’t ask how I was, when DP told them I’d had a rough time, they said “the baby is safe, that’s the only thing that matters” 🙄

interrupting breastfeeding. my mil when my baby cried for boob, would take my baby out of the room and would refuse to hand the baby back for feeds. My dp was too scared of his mother throwing a tantrum to insist she hand the baby back.

My inlaws were a nightmare and caused me to develop PNA. My community midwives and health visitors both commented on them and how awful they are, so it’s not in my head. Not everyone has delightful or even reasonable inlaws, so keeping them at arms length is important until the mother is healed, especially if the dp is a mummy’s boy.

I think you will be surprised at how quickly you feel ‘ok’. I had an emergency section in December, and although I felt absolutely horrendous for about two days after and refused to see anyone expect my mum (even sent partner away!) - within ten days we were on a family break (me DP and DD) in a caravan. At five days (two days after I left hospital) it was Christmas Day - we spent the time at my parents’ with visits from family members and friends from both sides over the few festive days.

I wasn’t able to lift anything for 6 weeks and tbh am still not 100% recovered physically, but part of the fun was seeing family and chilling out with them and baby. It seems you and husband have got locked into a high-drama row over this. Cool down and just say you are looking forward to having baby meet anyone and will play it by ear over how many visitors at a time but everyone will get to meet baby.

Obviously everyone is different, but the idea you will feel so far from yourself you won’t want to see people for two weeks doesn’t tally with any experience of birth I have heard of in my own circle.

That’s what I thought! OP is happy with DH’s parents coming round to her house for a couple of hours, but not the entire family within days of being discharged from hospital. C-sections are major surgery and OP also has to adjust to being a mum of a newborn. Uncle’s girlfriend and great grandma can wait for a few weeks!

DH is being a naive prick. I take it this is your 1st? His attitude is concerning, he is bullying, undermining and deliberately upsetting the woman who is about to give birth to his child.

Honestly, you need to put your foot down, this is your private life and you have the right to that time with your baby. If they MUST visit during those times, welcome it but say he will take the baby on his own to their hotel for 2 hours, pump some milk or he can pack a bottle so you can rest. You will be uncomfortable and want a rest anyway. Just say you don't want any visitors at home, which is fine. By that time you honestly might be glad of a rest on your own go sleep. Breezily talk about it being helpful having C section planned and also your rest breaks planned when he can plan ahead what he will need to go on a little family visit with baby.

Two weekends in a row is the unreasonable part. Your DH should tell them you won't be ready the first weekend, the second weekend you can compromise maybe and they can pop in etc.

He is being a total dick to compare women's experiences today in the UK to war zones and the whole of human history without listening to your views 🙄 what an arse.

I can understand that them booking the Airbnbs made it all real, and a kind of commitment to them coming. Now that you've mentioned that, I can imagine having a bit of a panic!

So I'm glad it's all resolved, and as they're lovely people, I'm sure they'll be sensitive to your needs. And I'm glad your other half has apologised sincerely.

Sorry but what a dickish, naive comment.
(And no, I don't have sons)

This really makes you sound like you have no idea. Before spouting nonsense like this wait until you have your baby OP. Girl mums can be unsympathetic too. What a weird way of thinking.

It's not about whether there the relatives are reasonable or not to me.

It's that OP's husband clearly wouldn't be willing to police or manage the situation if his family were causing difficulties.

My husband is agreed that we make no promises to anyone until we know how I am after having our baby, and that we build visits up as we get more comfortable. And that if I'm tired, the baby is howling for me and granny doesn't want to let go, then granny very firmly gets told that the baby needs mum, and it's taken off her - and DH offers to get people's coats.

@M340

And you sound like a sanctimonious, patronising knob - I guess we all have our moments.

I hate people visiting when I’ve had a baby. I don’t like people holding them, I don’t like people taking them off me when they want me (and they all do it 🙄) I requested with my second that nobody visit for a few days after learning with my first. And my mother in law was in the house less than 12 hours after I arrived home with her. I don’t blame you op, but in my experience you won’t get away with 2 weeks of no visitors. And rather get them all out of the way quickly and then get back to normal I say. Rather than dribs and drabs over days/weeks. But o hear you very much. I absolutely detest people being near my babies 😂 and I really don’t care how that makes me sound, I know other people seem to relish handing their newborn round everyone, I can’t think of anything worse! 😂

Awww please don’t fret about visitors - you are probably naturally scared of the ‘unknown’ you’ll need your space but they will all be so excited and thrilled for you and your DH. But he needs to back you up so why don’t you plan who will come when in little bursts. If you have a planned C section you’ll need help and if you and bubba can disappear upstairs when you feel the need that would be helpful. I hope they come and do some helpful jobs and bring/arrange food when they visit and can share in the happiness with you and your DH.
good luck with the baby and lots of love xx

To put my 5 eggs in, so to speak, mother, MIL, sister etc coming to help, doing the washing, looking after the new mother is fine. But it seems that isn't what would be happening, you would probably find you are expected to entertain them, particularly if they are travelling to see you. I wouldn't be making any plans now, tell them and your DH that you need to see how you feel after the birth. And tell him he will be doing all the cooking, cleaning etc because you will be recovering from surgery.

I'm not feeling your DH @inky1991 make sure you look after yourself and do not be afraid to stand your ground. I've got an awful feeling that once baby is here he's going let his family do what they like. Be careful.