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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In a big row with DH over in-laws visiting after birth of my son

426 replies

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:47

I'm probably being ridiculous and emotional, so will probably be told this. I'm a FTM in case you don't realise 😆

I'm due a C Section in a weeks time. I had always thought from the outset I would like to have a 2 week bubble with baby without extended visitors. Mostly due to the unknown - I'm anxious about how my recovery will be, about breastfeeding and just generally getting to grips with my brand new life.

All my in-laws live a few hours away and obviously want to come and visit asap. There's 2 bank holiday weekends starting about 10 days after baby is born when they want to come down and visit. I'm talking DH mum, Step dad, Dad, Brother, brothers gf, sister, gran and grandad. They wouldn't be staying with us, but it's a lot of people in my very tiny house visiting so soon for 2 long weekends in a row. I love my in-laws very much, but is this not a bit on an overload for me?

DH not understanding at all. Saying my reservations about all of them coming down together so soon is ostracising them etc. I haven't even said no...I've just said I'm not too sure. He's told me to man up, how women have it so easy now, I could be giving birth in a war blah blah blah

I just feel my hands are tied with it and can't believe I have a husband who seems to have no empathy for the situation at all. He doesn't defend me, he just thinks all his family are the ones who have the right to come down en mass and I just have be completely ok with it.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Synchron1 · 09/04/2023 23:35

Yanbu . I would do what you feel comfortable with and see how you feel at the time. I am a ftm and had a c section. I only had people come on my terms. It was a massive adjustment and my hormones were all over the place. My in-laws and family would do whatever I wanted and they were comfortable with that and there is always WhatsApp video. Husband sounds abit selfish and not very empathetic, although if he is watching your c section he might change his mind on this as my husband said it looked brutal( I didn't feel a thing) good luck to you .

BluebellsRoses · 09/04/2023 23:36

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 23:16

Um... It is a little bit about me though, isn't it?

Show quote history

Yes, it is definitely about you too. Even if it was just about the baby, if you don't thrive, that's bad for the baby. You are entitled to your feelings OP, and you are not being unreasonable to feel how you do.

Being a FTM was far harder than I expected. My lovely in-laws didn't understand the difficulties of the birth, and that made seeing them somewhat distressing.

You've said lots of reasonable things and I hope it all goes well for you. I'm glad your husband has apologised too.

My one piece of advice is read some baby care books now, whilst you have time, if you haven't already. You've got this.

Catsstillrock · 09/04/2023 23:38

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 23:16

Um... It is a little bit about me though, isn't it?

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Yes @inky1991 it is about you!

you don’t have to be ‘equal’ between your family and in laws.

altjkugh in this case equal would be short visits from three adults each side during the first couple of weeks, wouldn’t it?

it is ok to prefer your own family during a new and very vulnerable time.

irs on in laws to be respectful and not over bearing for the sake of a void long term relationship.

there is no correlation between how qu’il lu they see the baby and how willing they’ll be to babysit.

so of the worst for demanding overbearing new born visits then never want to actually help down the line.

if I were you I’d push back on the numbers of people coming and still keep visits v short.

You and your new born are not a visitor attraction!

Pandagirl10 · 09/04/2023 23:42

My daughter and her partner imposed a 2 week ban from all visitors including parents and in laws. I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed but I respected their decision. Then as the 2 week mark approached I found out that that in-laws had visited after a few days (with permission - not a drop in). I was really hurt by that but what could I say? It was done and I’ve had to move on. It does seem to be a thing though now - the PIL and that side of the family are definitely more ‘favoured’ but I’m just going with the flow and not being difficult about it.
So it’s not always the parents that are favoured over the in-laws!

OhcantthInkofaname · 09/04/2023 23:47

Why?

IWineAndDontDine · 10/04/2023 00:04

Thepossibility · 09/04/2023 21:15

I think because it's less awkward with your own family seeing you breastfeeding awkwardly while basically incoherent from lack of sleep. Often while in pain.
With one of mine my birth injuries were so bad I wet myself every time I moved also so yeah. There is that.
Very hard to host strangers when you are so, so SO far from your best.

Show quote history

Totally fair point!

RedSmartie · 10/04/2023 00:08

MY son op? Don't you mean OUR son?

Miajk · 10/04/2023 01:06

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 09/04/2023 22:27

Blergh. This attitude on MN of my family can come whenever they want but the in laws have different rules is really off.

They are waiting ten days and are staying in a hotel. They are clearly not unreasonable.

But where you really lost me OP was when you said to a poster “this has clearly triggered you. You must only have sons”. You sound like an absolute knob.

Have you considered using some braincells to actually think?

You don't understand the simple difference between who the in laws are Vs the parents to the person who's just had major surgery/gave birth?

Of course the rules are different! Why on earth would they be the same? Do you think the woman is just an incubator on the sideline or something?

Jesus Christ honestly some people lack any common sense

AllAboardTootToot · 10/04/2023 01:17

So it’s fine for your family to visit but not his?

just say to them come in small groups across different days, I don’t see the issue here?

2 week bubble ffs! Generation melt!

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 10/04/2023 01:20

Miajk · 10/04/2023 01:06

Have you considered using some braincells to actually think?

You don't understand the simple difference between who the in laws are Vs the parents to the person who's just had major surgery/gave birth?

Of course the rules are different! Why on earth would they be the same? Do you think the woman is just an incubator on the sideline or something?

Jesus Christ honestly some people lack any common sense

Show quote history

I’d recommend you take your own advice.

The in laws are staying in a hotel and visiting at the ten day mark. There is nothing about that behaviour which indicates they think she is a human incubator like you suggest.

Do you always assume the worst of people? Or is making up facts to suit your narrative the only way you can get your point across?

CombatBarbie · 10/04/2023 01:41

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:57

I only have my mum and step dad around the corner, I don't have much other family. My Dad will pop down briefly too from London.

It's not that I don't want in-laws to visit baby - I'm very excited for them to! It's more how many of them are coming down at the same time!

If DH acted a bit more caring about my feelings, I would probably not have my back up about it. Once baby is here I'll hopefully realise that I'll feel fine to have lots of visitors. Atm it's just the unknown, and having the thought of loads of guests arriving, playing pass the parcel with a baby etc....and he's not even here yet!

Can they split the 2 weekends between them all? and make them aware it's not 9-5 visiting.

Couple of hours a day on BH isn't arduous and if it gets too much, you can slope off to the bedroom to "feed the baby"

CheekyHusky · 10/04/2023 02:41

YANBU

Omg! Some of the replies on here!

@inky1991, I sometimes think mumsnet is full of toxic boomers who have adult children and have forgotten what it’s like to be pregnant or have young babies. This is one of those times!

Perhaps they’re not even that old, but were here back in the day and haven’t graduated up to Gransnet?

Or perhaps they are just bored and enjoy a fight?

As someone who has just had a baby, YANBU

If something goes wrong before/during/after the birth, it is very likely you will be in a hospital or community clinic (community midwives and health visitors no longer do home visits). Day 10 is a checkup day anyway - clinics are open 7 days a week. The journey will be exhausting for both you and baby.

As the primary source of nutrition for your newborn baby, it is vital that your health (physical and mental) comes before anyone else.

Reddit might be a more relevant forum for you, it has message boards where you can discuss with other pregnant or recently pregnant women.

elm26 · 10/04/2023 03:21

Also love my in laws but they know and understand that they won't meet baby until I've been home for a couple of days.

Same with my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles.

My friends and DH friends won't be for a couple of weeks.

I'm likely to have a C-section due to placenta being so close to my cervix.

DH is completely understanding of this and has said and I know he means this as he's great at hosting anyway that he will make drinks and wait on them for the couple of hours they'll be here and I know that they're all super understanding so if it gets too much I feel comfortable to say I'm not feeling great and I know they'll leave without any bad feelings.

I can't wait for them to meet her but this time to heal and settle into a new way of life is more important to me.

muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 03:37

Oh you sound lovely and not overly precious at all.

I mean how dare a woman ask for a few WEEKS (not months) to heal and bond with a human they created.

I wanted the same with our first baby - but my advice to you would be to see how you feel, which I know isn't easy when there are people travelling and needing to make plans.

I ended up craving some people around me and had people visit.

However, my in-laws live in Italy and my husband didn't manage it well at all, telling them they could come in 6 weeks (on his birthday) They assumed I didn't want them around for 6 weeks, and it caused all kinds of backlash!

What is it with husbands downplaying this? You can gurantee if they were going through this they'd make sure they got their down-time. Hell, a cold renders them bedbound for days with no one bothering them.

Perhaps you could ask your husband to read up on some literature about the importance of the postpartum period and how this time really matters, and how vulnerable women are - you might really struggle breastfeeding, feel quite low and you are completely entitled to have a little baby moon after your first born arrives.

No one can give you that time back - think about what you want and keep the plans flexible in case you change your mind. You matter. And best of luck with it all :)

Yousee · 10/04/2023 03:54

Ryanstartedthefire2 · 09/04/2023 23:09

YABU. You have to let the grandparents visit. Mine were round before I got home from the hospital. You have to suck it up I'm afraid. It's not about you it's about their sons baby.

This attitude is exactly what fuels the anxiety of many new mums when it comes to visiting new babies.
My mum was even with me when I gave birth all three times, not because she was the favourite Gran but because she was there to support me, her child, the person going through labour. It was about me.

Ponderingwindow · 10/04/2023 04:06

Google the “Lemon Clot Essay”
read it with your husband

then you can discuss having a house full of people for days on end soon after the birth

IsolatedWilderness · 10/04/2023 04:17

It sounds like you've reached the most obvious compromise. Having them visit for a short period at that time. Having agreed that you can see how things unfold. You may be happy to have visitors sooner, or, if things are really going badly, you can say no or have them for a fly buy visit. The only rule I had was no visitors on day 3. Those third day blues and tears were pretty strong.

muminlondon90 · 10/04/2023 04:49

Honestly please ignore some of the comments on here - someone actually trying to say YABU because "It's not about you, it's about their son's baby"😂

What in the name of holy hell - either it's a joke, or they think Handmaids Tale is real life....

Get yourself strapped to your MIL and FIL - do what your DH says, Mumsnet keyboard losers say so. This board is full of mentalists.

Sleepyandconfused · 10/04/2023 04:56

everyone on Mumsnet is so precious about this. As if the whole world is desperate to do nothing but harrass you and your newborn constantly. They are probably wanting to pop in because it’s polite and a good chance to catch up while visiting a baby at the same time. A newborn isn’t very interesting to anyone except the parents. They’ll probably not even want to be around for too long! Just let them pop in because it’s so melodramatic not to just let them say ‘hi’ and look at the baby for goodness sake.

Dentistlakes · 10/04/2023 05:22

The biggest issue I see here is that OP’s concerns are being ignored by here DH who is supposed to be looking out for her. Perhaps op is being a bit unreasonable, but her DH should be saying, let’s see how you feel after the birth and we can play it by ear. If you’re really not feeling up to it we don’t have to have visitors so soon. The chances are op might be fine, but at least she won’t have to be anxious in the meantime, focussing on this rather than looking after herself prior to the birth.

The fact is that no one knows how they will br after the birth, especially a first baby.

2Rebecca · 10/04/2023 05:35

My parents were still working and lived several hours away and couldnt just visit when I had my son who was late anyway. They came up 3 weeks later. Everyone wanting to come the same weekend does sound OTT but on the other hand it means your inlaws will have the other family members to go out with so they will be less dependent on your baby being their entertainment and you having to host them. People can visit briefly and then go off and do their own thing. Your husband has to remember he needs to be in new dad role not son going out with his parents and sibs role

EllandRd · 10/04/2023 05:40

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 19:57

I only have my mum and step dad around the corner, I don't have much other family. My Dad will pop down briefly too from London.

It's not that I don't want in-laws to visit baby - I'm very excited for them to! It's more how many of them are coming down at the same time!

If DH acted a bit more caring about my feelings, I would probably not have my back up about it. Once baby is here I'll hopefully realise that I'll feel fine to have lots of visitors. Atm it's just the unknown, and having the thought of loads of guests arriving, playing pass the parcel with a baby etc....and he's not even here yet!

If you allow your family to visit then you surely should let your husbands family visit. It his baby too.

Tourmalines · 10/04/2023 05:46

Sleepyandconfused · 10/04/2023 04:56

everyone on Mumsnet is so precious about this. As if the whole world is desperate to do nothing but harrass you and your newborn constantly. They are probably wanting to pop in because it’s polite and a good chance to catch up while visiting a baby at the same time. A newborn isn’t very interesting to anyone except the parents. They’ll probably not even want to be around for too long! Just let them pop in because it’s so melodramatic not to just let them say ‘hi’ and look at the baby for goodness sake.

This . Why does she think she may have to boot them out if they linger to long ? They will not want to stay that long I bet . A quick look , cuddle, gift . All over , all gone . No one I’ve ever known hangs around, like for what !?

Guavafish1 · 10/04/2023 05:48

Your husband sounds horrible

Codlingmoths · 10/04/2023 05:54

inky1991 · 09/04/2023 23:16

Um... It is a little bit about me though, isn't it?

Show quote history

It is a fuckload about the op.

I think from the thread you’re being fair in letting them come, but there’s no reason you would have to get up from your chair to do anything while they are here. Dh- your dad doesn’t have a cup of tea. Dh, nor do I? Dh, dont forget the biscuits. Hopefully he doesn’t need those reminders but if he does make sure you iust tell him rather than get up and do it!

I am glad he’s apologised for those comments as they are fucking outrageous. I think you should perhaps raise those again as you have zero tolerance for any repeat. Ask him what his mum would think if you said Dh says I should just get on with it since other women have had to give birth in a warzone. Of course millions and millions of men have been sent off to die in a war but that doesn’t seem to have imbued him with any particular sense of how easy he has it, I would remind him of that!!