To have not taken on my DN?

[URProbably]

This was a few years ago now but I still wonder if I was UR.

My sibling has many issues; Learning Difficulties, several autoimmune conditions among other things. I strongly suspect autism and/or ADHD. My Sibling In Law (SIL) also had similar issues.

Then they had a baby, my DN.

All was well until DN was about 6 months old and sibling said they had to walk away from the baby. SIL said they couldn’t cope alone, so they put DN into Foster Care and ran off into the sunset. I know where they are but SS apparently don’t. They both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

SILs parents were considered by SS but were ultimately a bit too old. My parents (divorced) both put themselves forward but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.

SILs sibling didn’t even offer themselves, said they didn’t want DN and walked away.

That left me. A single parent with 1 DC. My own DC has a number of medical issues that take up much of my time and knowing my siblings issues I was worried DN would be the same, so I said no as I felt putting myself in that position was unfair on both DC and DN.

The official reason on the file is that SS felt that DNs needs would conflict with my DC and their needs but SS have said if I felt I could of coped they’d have put DN with me.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often (I couldn’t ExH only wants DC on their contact time). FCers adopted DN and I am allowed to see them a few times a year with my own DC, and parents both have email contact with the APs although never get a reply – I suspect they’re trying to blame me for DN not being within the family.

So was I UR to not take on DN? I feel guilty and I know my parents do as they bring it up a lot.

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

You were on a difficult positions and had to make a hard decision that would best meet the needs of everyone involved. You put the welfare of your DC and DN at the forefront of your decision as both of them need(ed) an involved adult who is able to give them the additional care and attention they need. You enabled DN to join a family who love her and who are giving her the stable environment she needs. You did the right thing.

Oh OP, don’t blame yourself. It’s a massive thing to do. DN has stability and security . You have to put your needs and your own child’s needs first, always.

If she’s been adopted it sounds like she’s got a good outcome and hopefully her parents can give her everything she needs. It’s a very hard choice and impossible to say what would have been the right one I think

Your niece IS your child's cousin though.
Being adopted doesn't change that.

Seems like your DN had a good outcome and will grow up knowing you.

They only have themselves to blame for DN not remaining in the family. But it's easier to blame you, than admit their fuck up. Sounds like DN actually has the best of both worlds which given their start in life is probably far more than anyone could have hoped for.

You did the right thing for yourself and your DC, who is your first priority. DN is in a stable home with parents who obviously wanted her so don't beat yourself up about it.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often
that is disgraceful of your parents. Actually telling you to spend less time with your own child? No word of disapproval for DNs own parents? Do you think they realise contact isn't guaranteed at 18? DN may say no? Or do they think once all the 'parenting' is over they and DN can have a friends relationship?

You weren't unreasonable at all.

Your parents are horrible to suggest that you are to blame.

Your parents need to stop guilt tripping you. Having children with additional needs is hard. As a single parent you made a decision with both children's best interests at heart.

I think you need to think of something appropriate to say to your parents
"This was not a situation that I created or chose. My loyalty is to my child, who I created and chose. It was impossible to know what dn challenges would be. I made the right choice for me and for them, they now have 2 loving parents. Please don't try to place your guilt with me."

I'm really glad the child was adopted. You have to put your own child first. What else could you do?

Of course you weren’t unreasonable. Your parents are out of order. I’m sure they’re not having a go at the child’s parents and other aunts/ uncles.

Your DN now has parents who freely chose to love and care for her. She sees you and her cousin. It is a good outcome for her. You have nothing to feel guilty about. If your parents feel guilty that is their problem.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable, you were an adult making an impossibly hard decision - which you made.

You didn't run from it, you didn't have circumstances dictate it - although from what you wrote you certainly knew what your capabilites were and this well and truly exceeded what you were capable of at that point.

It stands to reason your parents are deflecting onto you from their own guilt, but they are thorough shits for doing it - and I would put money on them not supporting you that much with the day to day parenting of your child.

You don't need to put yourself through the mill for this, keep up with the contact as an aunt and your child as cousin.

my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often that's utterly shit if them. They want a scapegoat and they've chosen you

I think you did brilliantly in realising it wasn't right for either child instead of being guilt tripped in to taking in your neice.

What horrible parents you have.

Of course you did the right thing.

You already have enough to deal with.

This is not on you.

Your parents have some cheek.

I think you should push back hard, every time they mention it, or better again, see a lot less of them.

Stop blaming yourself, this is not on you.

You did what was best for both of the children.

Your DN needed an honest appraisal of what you could and couldn’t do. That was far, far better for them than a broken down placement later on.

You should have no guilt at all about being honest about things.

OP it sounds like you made the best decision for your DN in this situation. I am sorry your parents are trying to guilt trip you, you did the right thing x

I have a child with complex health needs. Your first responsibility is to your own DC and as a single parent you only have yourself to rely on. You cannot compromise that!

It is a sad situation but with what you have described - adoption and ongoing contact with you and your DC - this really is the best outcome you could hope for.

This is the only reply you need to read. Puts things perfectly. 💐

Being adopted doesn’t erase blood relationships.

The op said that the foster carers adopted her dn.

The Op states that her DN was adopted by the foster carers