To have not taken on my DN?

[URProbably]

This was a few years ago now but I still wonder if I was UR.

My sibling has many issues; Learning Difficulties, several autoimmune conditions among other things. I strongly suspect autism and/or ADHD. My Sibling In Law (SIL) also had similar issues.

Then they had a baby, my DN.

All was well until DN was about 6 months old and sibling said they had to walk away from the baby. SIL said they couldn’t cope alone, so they put DN into Foster Care and ran off into the sunset. I know where they are but SS apparently don’t. They both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

SILs parents were considered by SS but were ultimately a bit too old. My parents (divorced) both put themselves forward but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.

SILs sibling didn’t even offer themselves, said they didn’t want DN and walked away.

That left me. A single parent with 1 DC. My own DC has a number of medical issues that take up much of my time and knowing my siblings issues I was worried DN would be the same, so I said no as I felt putting myself in that position was unfair on both DC and DN.

The official reason on the file is that SS felt that DNs needs would conflict with my DC and their needs but SS have said if I felt I could of coped they’d have put DN with me.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often (I couldn’t ExH only wants DC on their contact time). FCers adopted DN and I am allowed to see them a few times a year with my own DC, and parents both have email contact with the APs although never get a reply – I suspect they’re trying to blame me for DN not being within the family.

So was I UR to not take on DN? I feel guilty and I know my parents do as they bring it up a lot.

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

You centered the needs of both children in your decision. Your DN got adoptive parents putting her first, and your child got you putting them first. You are making it a priority to keep the relationship between yourself and your DN and between the cousins. She knows quite a lot about her birth family through your continuing actions.
Was it the right decision? You will probably never have a definitive answer for this. Some of the wider family relationships are perhaps poorer for your decision - between your niece and her grandparents for example. But equally there may have been unforeseen consequences of becoming your nieces gardien. You may have had disruptive and difficult on/off involvement from your sibling and SIL that could take a greater emotional toll. Your DN and your child may not have got on well if they were living in the same household.
You made the best decision you could at the time and your are continuing to consider the needs of both children, within the bounds of what is possible for you to do. If your niece asks you about this one day you will be able to tell her the truth without shame. You were trying to do the best for her and for your child, you hope it was the right decision but sometimes it’s not possible to know if that is the case.
And yes, you can definitely still consider the children cousins! I think cousins is far enough removed anyway that probably no one will feel the need to qualify that relationship as ´birth cousins’. I wouldn’t contradict whatever your nieces adoptive parents use to refer to you and your child, but cousin relationships vary from as close as sibling to never meeting at all, so I can’t see it being a massive issue that they are no longer ´legal cousins’.

Due to DN’s age we didn’t adopt him and they still vanished.

He even had to delay a year before Uni (for funding reasons) because they were so shit he couldn’t show he was estranged from his parents for long enough to have his fathers income disregarded for funding.

Your parents are blaming the wrong person - how about blaming the child's birth parents who fucked off into the sunset and now can't be contacted by SS and want nothing to do with their OWN child? They will be very lucky if their child wants anything to do with them when he/she is 18 - if/when they know the truth.

Maybe if your parents had been in better accommodation they might have been allowed to take on your DN themselves (although I acknowledge there were also health concerns - you would have ended up picking up a lot of the slack.)

Next time they start on you, I think you need to point out that you are sick of being blamed for your sibling's shortcomings and for doing what your sibling and their partner should have done, which is prioritising the well-being of your own child. Your sibling's child is not your responsibility and their situation was not your fault. The child now has good adoptive parents which is the best outcome for the child. If this doesn't work I would seriously consider going low contact with them for a while at least.

I don't think you should feel guilty. You were a single parent with a child with significant extra needs.

It sounds like this outcome is the best that could have been hoped for. DN is loved by an adoptive family who are able to focus on her needs, and she's able to enjoy a relationship with her extended (birth) family too.

Your parents are horrible to keep bringing this up when they obviously know you feel upset about it - they have no right at all to make you feel bad about putting your own child first. You did the right thing and it sounds as if the adoption has gone well and it is a good outcome. Your parents are completely out of order to keep returning to this with you.

You made the right decision for you & your child at the time.

That's all anyone can do.

Why on earth would you see your own child less so that you can look after someone else's?

Their actual parents just walked away!

Can't imagine what your parents must say/think about that given how they seem to blame you!

Why would you send your own child away to pick up the pieces for your sibling? Surely that would just lead to two children with abandonment issues. Your parents are being very unfair, your sister is to blame, not you.

Not unreasonable, your parents could have offered to take DN regularly rather than tell you to let your child go to their dad more. You are not to blame, your brother abandoned her not you.

You did what you thought was best and continue to do your best.

Your sibling might have further children and you might need to make a similar decision over again, or be asked to help support them as a family - or the adoptive parents might be asked to take on a sibling.

What would you do if you had took your niece on and then were asked to take siblings?

You didn't know and still don't know that there won't be siblings equally needing loving parents.

Your own sibling may have flitted on and off the scene creating emotional turmoil for the child who now has stability.

You can only make the decision you think is best. That is all you can do.

your parents are horrible, and to keep twisting the knife like that, dreadful, I would stop engaging with them

You're a very naive and ignorant person.

You also appear to have not read the OP properly.

This. 💯

I'd have taken in my niece and/or nephews and made it work.

Even if you didn’t have a child you still wouldn’t be unreasonable. None of this was your fault, and none of this was your responsibility to fix.

As much as I would love to protect all children, especially those related to me, my son comes before all others. I'd have done exactly what you did. As a PP said your parents are blaming the wrong person. How about DNs parents? What about the sibling of the mum who didn't even attempt? I wouldn't be scared to point that out to them. You haven't deserted the child. You're involved in their life which is more than can be said for parents. The child is in a loving, secure home and a couple have been given the greatest gift of all, the unconditional love of a child. This is the best outcome out of the shitty situation. Your parents should be bloody grateful.

Please don’t suggest to your child that they are no longer cousins.

This. How disgusting of your parents to blame you for putting your own child first.

I was asked to adopt my DN. It was something I put a lot of thought into and in the end had to say no. The guilt is still there even though I know he has an amazing life with his adoptive family. He is much safer away from my toxic family who I am NC with.

You are not unreasonable at all. It doesn't matter what your family situation was/is I don't believe anyone is obligated to take on someone else's child. I understand your parents 'grief' but it's hardly your fault. In fact arguably you could have said if they had supported your sibling and their SO the child might still be 'in the family'...but you wouldn't say that, why would you.
It's a very complex situation and it sounds like the mistake arose initially with the couple getting pregnant in the first place so it's their 'fault', or maybe SWs who must have seen signs that they'd struggle to cope. It's not about blame though. Ultimately it sounds like your DN got the best outcome. I love hearing about foster parents adopting. They will have known and loved your DN to do this. It will likely have financial implications so you can rest assured they've done it for the right reasons.
I'm pretty sure if your parents wanted some contact that could be arranged, but it takes commitment and action from them. You have contact and even with problems/challenges your DN has a better life than they ever would have. You can sleep easy.

Your parents are silly to.blame you, the blame lies with your sibling. We're in the same position right now and it's breaking me. Whichever option we choose is going to be wrong. We're mid 50s and our children are on the verge of flying the nest. We both work full time in demanding jobs. DN is a toddler who is going to be taken into care. It's a horrible situation.

The only people being unreasonable are the ones saying that you could have “made” your ex take on more responsibility with your own DS. Everyone knows that you can’t force that to happen. You probably wouldn’t want to either. At least you know you can look after your child’s needs. Your family are using you to avoid feeling guilty themselves.

It sounds as if you have been the only one in the family there for your dn as you bothered to instigate and keep up contact. If your parents are making out it’s so easy to foster a child within the family, why didn’t they take their gc on?!

From what you have said, you have done the best by both your dc and dn by recognising what you can and cannot do whilst giving your dn access to their roots, which is often important to adopted children, especially as they reach their teens.

Could you have taken your DN on? Only you know the answer to that. The SIL didn’t take DN on either so don’t feel bad. You both did what was best for your families.

I hope your DN is happy and thriving where she is now. Even though shes now adopted, you are still family and she knows that.

When she is old enough, she will understand the decision you had to take.

The prob people in this pic are her biological parents, not you, so don't beat yourself up.

You do need to stop your parents guilt tripping you. It was not your job to bring up their GD, it was her parents. Your responsibility was to your DC and you took the right decision.

Sending a hug x

You did nothing wrong and your parents are being unfair.

11 years ago I looked after my cousin’s son for a couple of weeks when my cousin (a single parent) was being detoxed (alcohol). I’m a working single parent, cousin’s son was 1, my kids were 2 and 5. It nearly killed me. My 5 year old took it in his stride but my 2 year old couldn’t handle it. Baby cousin broke DS’s toys, threw food around, took masses of my attention. My DS changed from being happy and smiley to being sullen and constantly crying. It was awful.

About 6 months later my cousin was drinking again and SS asked me to have her son on a long term basis. I couldn’t do it because part of the deal was that I drove him to a contact centre to see her once a week, 100 miles away, which I knew I couldn’t do due to work and child care. But even without that, I knew I didn’t have it in me, and it would have felt wrong for my own kids to suffer. He went into temporary foster care.

I provided ad hoc support and gave her loads of money, but I couldn’t be a permanent foster carer. It worked out OK. She met a lovely man who has been a father to the little boy, and has provided a lot of love and stability for him.