To have not taken on my DN?

[URProbably]

This was a few years ago now but I still wonder if I was UR.

My sibling has many issues; Learning Difficulties, several autoimmune conditions among other things. I strongly suspect autism and/or ADHD. My Sibling In Law (SIL) also had similar issues.

Then they had a baby, my DN.

All was well until DN was about 6 months old and sibling said they had to walk away from the baby. SIL said they couldn’t cope alone, so they put DN into Foster Care and ran off into the sunset. I know where they are but SS apparently don’t. They both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

SILs parents were considered by SS but were ultimately a bit too old. My parents (divorced) both put themselves forward but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.

SILs sibling didn’t even offer themselves, said they didn’t want DN and walked away.

That left me. A single parent with 1 DC. My own DC has a number of medical issues that take up much of my time and knowing my siblings issues I was worried DN would be the same, so I said no as I felt putting myself in that position was unfair on both DC and DN.

The official reason on the file is that SS felt that DNs needs would conflict with my DC and their needs but SS have said if I felt I could of coped they’d have put DN with me.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often (I couldn’t ExH only wants DC on their contact time). FCers adopted DN and I am allowed to see them a few times a year with my own DC, and parents both have email contact with the APs although never get a reply – I suspect they’re trying to blame me for DN not being within the family.

So was I UR to not take on DN? I feel guilty and I know my parents do as they bring it up a lot.

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

And would you also send your own child away?

Yanbu. You put your own life jacket on first, your sons second.

DN would not have been unlimely to be better off with you if you felt unable to cope. I'm sure the AP are lovely. Your parents are struggling to cope with their loss, that's all. It's not your fault and you shouldn't, in an ideal world, be the scapegoat.

You made the right decision. The hardest decision but the one that was best for the children. Your other family members are selfish and you should feel very proud of yourself for your decision.

It would have been far worse IMO to take the child in, and then have to admit later that it wasn't working. It's hard to consider the practicalities in situations like this, but you already had enough to be dealing with and you made a sensible decision for solid reasons.
You have nothing to reproach yourself for.

@MichelleScarn OF COURSE NOT!

YWNBU
Adopting your DN would have meant SS abandoning you & any issues they would have had, no support, no respite and certainly no looking back from them.
I am an adoptive parent it is relentless.
You did the right thing. It is lovely you have some contact with the child.
Do not let your family make you feel guilty. You are not responsible for that child - your sibling was, and now the adoptive parents are.

SS probably says you could have coped because it's easier for them if you took the problem off their hands. As we've seen here by other threads where posters cry out for help and go unanswered, the standard of what's considered "coping" often involves a very difficult lifestyle for the caregiver. You are the person best placed to evaluate whether you could cope with another child and I don't think it's great for other people to pretend like they know your life better than you do. I would not waste your energy on second-guessing yourself. It sounds as if DN ended up in the best possible situation, with a caring family and the ability to keep in touch with family of origin, so I think a better approach is for everyone to be grateful it worked out so well.

I think what has happened is the best outcome. Your dn has loving parents who are equipped to care for them properly. They are a family - that couple has a much loved child and the child has much needed, stable parents. This is not something to feel guilt about.

Of course you shouldn't be seeing less of your own child, to take on dn and your parents are offloading their own guilt onto you which is massively unreasonable. You need to kick back against that.

But that’s what the Op would have had to do - send her child away to their dads more (even though they weren’t wanted) - to “make it work”

Guilt does nasty things to people Op, you feel guilty even though you acted for the best for your own child. The difference is that your DPs weren't suitable but hoped someone else would step in and it still rankles them that that didn't happen. It's not your fault, not at all, and your Dps should put the blame where it lies- with your sibling and his wife who both walked away. Next time they bring this up I'd simple ask them why it was OK for them to drop their own child

You have no idea really.

I have a Special Guardianship Order for 2 of my grandchildren. It’s exhausting.

Just getting to that point took endless court hearings, having our whole lives raked through by Social Services, our home, our income, our health, our relationship.

then they interviewed every other person involved with us, all of my children, our ex partners etc.

when we finally did get them they come with baggage. Early childhood trauma is a thing, and it lives with you.

you’re either stupid or naive if you think saying ‘I’ll take her’ is the end and you all live happily ever after.

OP put her child first. Shame the parents didn’t.

I'm sure you would have done your best for your DN had you taken your DN on. However it may be that your niece is in a better place through not being with you because she would have had to have shared you with your child who you say yourself has other needs. Clearly, your parents do not recognise this. But your parents are speaking out of their own guilt in not taking on their granddaughter, you say,

but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.
of course poor health is not their fault but this does read as if their accommodation was a factor in them not being able to do this, and they may feel guilt because of this, which they are trying to put on you.
To me it sounds as if your niece has the best possible outcome, a loving adopted family, and links to her birth family through a loving aunt.

OP, I'm an adoptive parent who turned down the chance to adopt my child's birth sibling. I never thought I would make that choice, but when the time came I had to think very seriously about the needs of all the children involved, and the resources I had to offer as a single parent.

Adopted children who have had a bad start in life needs lots and lots of care and support. That is why adoption agencies usually prefer that there are no other children, or only much older children, in the family. You did not leave your DN in a terrible position - they have loving parents. You have nothing to feel guilty for.

Your parents are being unreasonable, presumably because of their own guilty feelings.

You made the right choice for you and your child.

And frankly, your sibling and their partner were right to give their child up if they couldn't cope, rather than the alternatives. Though I hope at some point in the process they were warned they can't just reappear when the child is 18 and everything will be fine.

Your priority is your DC. If you had taken on DN (after her DP had abandoned her) it would have had a big impact on DC and her needs. DN is in a stable home and getting the support needed.

Your reasons for not being able to take DN are just as valid, if not more so, as your parents.

@URProbably Not UR at all. Your first priority has to be your own DC and as they have health needs themselves, they need to be even more of your focus.

You did the right thing, please try and remind yourself of that when you get these thoughts xx

Not unreasonable at all and I say that as someone who has taken their own nephew in. Outside of any health issues it is a lot to take on and it would just cause resentment if you had been backed into a corner. Sounds like the outcome was the best for all of you. Don't let anyone guilt you about it. You ultimately made the choice that worked best for you and that's all that matters.

Don’t blame yourself. You had to put your self and own child first. Your child will always be their cousin no matter what, you can’t change biology. It’s great you’ve been able to stay in touch and family need to lay off the blame, it’s very unfair

I think you know that you are not being unreasonable. You didn't make the decision lightly, and you had to consider your own child and your own needs. Ultimately, although she is family, your DN was not your responsibility. I think your parents are being awful to you to keep bringing it up and to try to make you feel guilty, and I think it probably is reflective that they feel guilty for their own son's actions.

You've made the right decision, your niece has been adopted by people who will give her their full time and attention, you already have a child with additional needs who requires that from you, and having worked for a long time in a field where removal of children from parents happens regularly, how do you know they won't have more? Then what?

your niece is your child’s cousin.

I am guessing she is better with her adoptive parents who probably have more resources than you. Is that right?

You are maintaining contact which is what’s key.

Totally agree with this.

Please don’t feel guilty and don’t let them guilt trip you.

Within your means you are making an effort with your niece.

There’s plenty of neurodiverse people who have kids, who may struggle as we all struggle but don’t leave their kids and swan off to the sunset, only the parents are at fault.

Ultimately your niece is safe and well and hopefully will grow up to be well loved and grounded.

You need to shut down anyone who tries to make you feel bad 💐

Thanks everyone

I think my parents do feel guilty that their own situations meant they couldn't take DN. I also know they struggle to know what to write to DNs parents and feel it's useless and they woudln't be in this position if I'd taken DN. They also cannot make Sibling and SIL the scapegoats, because Sibling disagrees that they or SIL did anything wrong.

I agree my DN is still my childs cousin, APs don't really mention the relationship though they just say "This is Auntie Probably and her child (DCs name)" but DN does know I am the sibling of their parent.

Both DC and DN are still under 10, although my own DC won't be under 10 much longer, but neither has questioned it yet but I do know I will have to answer those questions from both DC and DN, i hand on heart did what I think was best. DN is thriving and I do get to see them - and I am so grateful for that, DN is lovely, polite, and so very loved by their parents. I don't know the ins and outs of them medically, I've never asked or expected to be told, but I still feel I did right by both children.

And if the parents ever said "Actually DN isn't benefitting from this" I'd absolutely say thats their choice to make and respect it.

I will not correct my DC when they say "My cousin (DNs name)" you're all right on that one that they're still cousins by blood.

My sibling is very naive and doesn't really understand why my DC adores ExH when he's very rarely present in their life and thinks their own DC will be the same (ExH does see DC though, just not as often as I or DC would like him to). Sibling and SIL think they can just walk back into their lives and it all be ok.

If DN is thriving, you made the right choice. Sounds like maybe some natural distancing from birth parents was a good thing, too.