To have not taken on my DN?

[URProbably]

This was a few years ago now but I still wonder if I was UR.

My sibling has many issues; Learning Difficulties, several autoimmune conditions among other things. I strongly suspect autism and/or ADHD. My Sibling In Law (SIL) also had similar issues.

Then they had a baby, my DN.

All was well until DN was about 6 months old and sibling said they had to walk away from the baby. SIL said they couldn’t cope alone, so they put DN into Foster Care and ran off into the sunset. I know where they are but SS apparently don’t. They both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

SILs parents were considered by SS but were ultimately a bit too old. My parents (divorced) both put themselves forward but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.

SILs sibling didn’t even offer themselves, said they didn’t want DN and walked away.

That left me. A single parent with 1 DC. My own DC has a number of medical issues that take up much of my time and knowing my siblings issues I was worried DN would be the same, so I said no as I felt putting myself in that position was unfair on both DC and DN.

The official reason on the file is that SS felt that DNs needs would conflict with my DC and their needs but SS have said if I felt I could of coped they’d have put DN with me.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often (I couldn’t ExH only wants DC on their contact time). FCers adopted DN and I am allowed to see them a few times a year with my own DC, and parents both have email contact with the APs although never get a reply – I suspect they’re trying to blame me for DN not being within the family.

So was I UR to not take on DN? I feel guilty and I know my parents do as they bring it up a lot.

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

You couldn’t live with yourself for making the best decision for your DN and DC… how selfish of you.

thankfully for the Op’s DN and DC the Op didn’t put herself and her feelings of pride before the children’s well being

That's spectacularly selfish then, isn't it? At the end of the day, you wouldn't do what was best for the child. I mean the point is that they couldn't have done, could they? The parents were told they couldn't, the OP has her child with needs.

You made the best possible decision in difficult circumstances. YANBU.

They are factually still cousins BTW- they don't stop being. You haven't stopped being DN's Auntie, after all.

It’s the sibling who caused the issue, not you.

You made the only decision you could. Hugs..

I think you made the right decision, and a brave one.

I was in a similar situation but did not have a child with additional needs to add into the equation. I decided to look after my relative, but I think in your situation you made the right call. You had to prioritise your existing child, and looking afte

I can say from experience and from all the kinship care groups that I am in that it is not as simple as just bringing up another child. There are often additional needs, a different way of parenting (like with fostering and adoption), and also often a very complex and difficult set of family relationships and contact situations to navigate - usually with no support of any sort whatsover. Often the kinship carer has to give up work completely, with no support. This would not have helped you, your existing child, or your DN.

Your DN now has loving parents and stability in addition to a connection with her birth family through you. I think this is a very good outcome from a bad situation.

I also think that out of your sibling and parents, you are the only one acting like a grown-up. You should feel no guilt at all, but focus on nurturing your relationship with your DN when you are able to see her, whilst also supporting her place within her adoptive family.

People who haven't been in this situation really do not know what it is like.

Lol come back when you’ve tried that eh?

Did you feel all superior when you typed that? You've no idea what you're talking about. 'Making it work' would have involved trying to force the OPs ex to have their DC more, how successful do you think that would have been, for any of the people involved? The DN now has a loving family of their own, and contact with their aunty and cousin.

People who've never been in the position of taking non birth DC into their home are so often so sure of what they'd do, safely never having to find out.

"They also cannot make Sibling and SIL the scapegoats, because Sibling disagrees that they or SIL did anything wrong."

I'm confused about this part. You don't have to explain further if it makes you uncomfortable, but are you saying that your sibling felt no responsibility about abandoning their own child? And that everyone in your family feels that you have more responsibility for the child going into foster care, than do the child's own parents?

You made the right decision for you and your family. I think it is very easy to sit there and say "There's no way I'd let my relative go into the care system!" but the reality of looking after a child who has lived through this kind of trauma is very different to raising your own child. I foster, even the youngest of babies suffer trauma when they are removed from their parent, no matter how lacking that parent is.

You see, I don't understand this:

They also cannot make Sibling and SIL the scapegoats, because Sibling disagrees that they or SIL did anything wrong.

Just because sibling and sil disagree doesn't make them right. You don't agree that you've done anything wrong (which you haven't) but your parents still blame you. This is down to your sibling and their partner, nobody else.

I hope that child turns round to their 'parents' at age 18 and rightly tells them to get fucked..abandoned the kid but they expected everyone else to pick up their slack?! Don't deserve any contact with the poor lamb

Applauds!

it’s also not as simple as saying ‘I’ll take them’ when SS are involved.

Then you start jumping through hoops to prove you’re capable of it.

My sibling and SIL have no concept they've done anything wrong, so they argue they haven't and can't be made to understand. To them they tried parenting and it wasn't for them so onto the next thing, they've done the same with dogs and cats, as well as other hobbies, they do it for awhile then move on.

Just before DN was born I had to take a dog off them as they insisted they were done with it, the poor thing had done nothing wrong apart from take awhile to learn some commands - I still have the dog btw, he's a lovely member of my family and thankfully DC adores him as much as I do. My parents have had a cat each off them, it's just what they do. I knew when they got pregnant this was the way it was going but they wouldn't listen. Hence why I'm the scapegoat to my parents, because they don't understand.

And thats also probably why they don't really understand why DN may choose not to see them when they're a grown up - I hope they still want to see me and DC but understand if they don't, it's their choice but my sibling doesn't understand that.

Again which is why I suspect ASD/ADHD, the whole obsession thing, they absolutely had to get pregnant and have a baby but then they moved onto something else. They have never had contact with DN since they left - they dropped DN with the Foster Carers who later became the Adopted Parents after another family member contacted SS when they asked them to, and thats that basically, they don't even email the APs or ask if me/my parents have.

It's taught me a lot though, and thats that I never want another child. I'm considering sterilisation as soon as I can because I really do not want to be in the position of putting DC through this again, and I don't think it'd be fair to explain to DN why I kept another DC but not them.

My parents don't know I have direct contact with DN, they think I email the APs like they do - I'd never lie, if they asked I'd say I see DN 2-3 times a year, but I don't think it's crossed their minds.

Could your parents start having visits with DN? Maybe have a conversation with the adoptive parents to sound them out? It sounds like your parents desperately want contact, and if they are able to be stable and positive influences, it is often helpful for adopted children to grow up knowing their birth family.

Also, its obviously your choice, but i don't think you should have to sterilise yourself. Thats basically punishing yourself for your sisters feckless choices. The decision to have another child at some point in the future, perhaps in a new relationship with different financial circumstances, is completely seperate from the decision of whether to parent your neice when your own child was young and you were a single parent. You made the best decision that you could at the time.

I would do nothing to jeopardise your current relationships with your niece and her parents. I very much doubt her parents would be interested in allowing your parents access to their daughter beyond what is currently given seeing as they have done nothing to facilitate that relationship. When your parents were assessed and the adoption was arranged they had all the info and opportunities to request these access arrangements which are now entirely at the discretion of her parents. Wanting to put their daughter first would probably mean they would not seek to have a face to face relationship with people who haven’t sought this.

Focus on your current relationships and on your boundaries with your parents. You can have other children if you want to. Because your circumstances didn’t once allow you to take on another child doesn’t mean they won’t always prevent this. I wasn’t raised by my biological parents but they did bring up two siblings - that was the best choice at the time. I don’t mind at all. Don’t project your guilt onto a future relationship that might look very different to how you imagine. Learn to be more generous to yourself.

Your sibling's attitude is very difficult to grasp, I must say, and I don't really understand your parents' conclusion. Even if your sibling "doesn't understand," it does not then become your responsibility to infinitely take up the slack in whatever disaster your sibling leaves lying in his/her wake. It sounds as if all of their moral compasses are skewed here.

I guess I have to wonder whether your parents have a pattern, in the past, of blaming you for the bad things that happened when your sibling made poor choices. If there has been a lifelong pattern of their failing to hold your sibling to account, rationalizing your sibling's behavior, and instead holding YOU to account for the problem, then I would wonder if that has partly played into sibling's failure to consider the consequences of their choices. I'm just trying to understand all of their logic here, as, well, it doesn't make any sense.

You should not have to be sterilized to prevent your DN from feeling abandoned. That would punishing you for your sibling's poor choices. It just doesn't sound like the right takeaway here.

OP, having read your update I think you absolutely did the right thing for your DN, not to mind your own child.

Your DN is in a far better situation away from their parents and grandparents.

They are clearly loved and cherished from what you have written.

Your siblings would have been a likely source of negativity, sadness and confusion if they lived with you.

Possibly dipping in and out of their lives, adding nothing of value.

The fresh start with their adoptive parents have given them a consistency that will hugely benefit them emotionally and contact with you and your child, re enforcing that they are not forgotten.

Be kind to yourself.

No-ones forcing me to be sterilised, it's just the way I feel - I also have to think about DC and if I had another child with the medical issues they have I don't think I'd cope (hence not taking DN)