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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not taken on my DN?

121 replies

URProbably · 09/04/2023 15:52

This was a few years ago now but I still wonder if I was UR.

My sibling has many issues; Learning Difficulties, several autoimmune conditions among other things. I strongly suspect autism and/or ADHD. My Sibling In Law (SIL) also had similar issues.

Then they had a baby, my DN.

All was well until DN was about 6 months old and sibling said they had to walk away from the baby. SIL said they couldn’t cope alone, so they put DN into Foster Care and ran off into the sunset. I know where they are but SS apparently don’t. They both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

SILs parents were considered by SS but were ultimately a bit too old. My parents (divorced) both put themselves forward but were deemed in poor health and not living in adequate accommodation and it was deemed to costly to move them.

SILs sibling didn’t even offer themselves, said they didn’t want DN and walked away.

That left me. A single parent with 1 DC. My own DC has a number of medical issues that take up much of my time and knowing my siblings issues I was worried DN would be the same, so I said no as I felt putting myself in that position was unfair on both DC and DN.

The official reason on the file is that SS felt that DNs needs would conflict with my DC and their needs but SS have said if I felt I could of coped they’d have put DN with me.

I still feel awful, and my parent’s both bring it up that DN went into FC when I could of made DC go to their dads more often (I couldn’t ExH only wants DC on their contact time). FCers adopted DN and I am allowed to see them a few times a year with my own DC, and parents both have email contact with the APs although never get a reply – I suspect they’re trying to blame me for DN not being within the family.

So was I UR to not take on DN? I feel guilty and I know my parents do as they bring it up a lot.

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

OP posts:
Schnooze · 09/04/2023 16:53

You made the decision you felt right at the time. Hindsight might mean that you would make a different decision now, however you didn’t have hindsight at the time. Please don’t feel guilty.

Itsallaloadofbollocks · 09/04/2023 16:53

This reply has been deleted

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DN has been adopted. Read the post.

Rainbowshit · 09/04/2023 16:55

You did the right thing.

2bazookas · 09/04/2023 16:55

You did the best thing for DN; she now has two parents who really wanted her; she still has some blood family contact (You and DC) and her future looks bright.

They (birth parents) both want contact with DN when DN is 18.

Your sibling and partner need to understand that they will have no say at all on that score.That choice belongs entirely to the young adult

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 09/04/2023 16:55

ywVVVu imo.

I could never let a family member go into care.

Jesus christ.

teezletangler · 09/04/2023 16:57

Will add DN knows who I am, and knows how I am related to them. DC also still refers to DN as their cousin even though legally they're not anymore.

I think you need to reframe this. They are blood relatives! That doesn't change. Would you say the child isn't your DN anymore?

Is this an open adoption? Is there contact? You did what is right for you but I'd keep the channels open as much as possible for a future relationship.

Octonaut4Life · 09/04/2023 17:00

Unless your parents have very extenuating circumstances for why they couldn't take on DN, every time they mention it you should turn it back on them and say how disappointed you are that they couldn't adopt DN and keep her in the family...

SeemsSoUnfair · 09/04/2023 17:00

It would have been so much easier at the time to make a knee jerk decision and take her on. You made the right and bravest decision to do the best thing for you, your dc and your dn.

watcherintherye · 09/04/2023 17:01

watcherintherye · 09/04/2023 16:51

The op said that the foster carers adopted her dn.

Show quote history

My goodness, if only all posters who hadn’t read the op’s posts thoroughly enough were as quick on the draw as this!

Timeforachangeisitnot · 09/04/2023 17:03

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 09/04/2023 16:28

I think you need to think of something appropriate to say to your parents
"This was not a situation that I created or chose. My loyalty is to my child, who I created and chose. It was impossible to know what dn challenges would be. I made the right choice for me and for them, they now have 2 loving parents. Please don't try to place your guilt with me."

I think this is an excellent response to your parents. OP it sounds like you thought it through, and did your best by both children.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 09/04/2023 17:04

Without any desire to relate a situation within my own family I completely relate and empathise OP. YANBU. Flowers

Wherethewind · 09/04/2023 17:06

Coraline353 · 09/04/2023 16:48

This is the only reply you need to read. Puts things perfectly. 💐

Show quote history

This.

SoggyPigeon · 09/04/2023 17:09

JamonEverybody · 09/04/2023 16:25

You weren't unreasonable at all.

Your parents are horrible to suggest that you are to blame.

This.

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2023 17:10

Do NOT beat your self up. You had to consider the needs of both children.

My DS is adopted, has had many needs but fuck all support from SS, financial or otherwise. So if you hadn't coped you would have been on your own.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 17:10

Is this an open adoption? Is there contact?

Its literally in the Op what contact they have…

On threads as emotive as this it’s really rude to not even bothering reading the very first post completely.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 17:11

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2023 17:10

Do NOT beat your self up. You had to consider the needs of both children.

My DS is adopted, has had many needs but fuck all support from SS, financial or otherwise. So if you hadn't coped you would have been on your own.

I’ll echo this. My DN was much older and our circumstance was much more obvious as he and his mum lived with us for a while.

SS promised him, and us, the world for him to stay and then they promptly vanished.

damnbratz · 09/04/2023 17:12

I took on my niece in similar circumstances, and even without my own child and without her having any SEN its been bloody hard, so hard that we had to say we couldn't take her sibling when he was born and others have judged us for that but we both have to work full time and get NO financial help. She has suffered with attachment issues, selective muteism and many other issues. You did the right thing to put your child first.

TwistandSprout · 09/04/2023 17:14

You did the right thing. You put your child first and this has allowed some other parents to put their child first - that is what she gained when adopted. Your parents need to be told firmly that they do not get to project their guilt on to you.

StagsLeap · 09/04/2023 17:15

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 09/04/2023 16:55

ywVVVu imo.

I could never let a family member go into care.

Jesus christ.

That’s one of those completely throwaway bits of anonymous online virtue signalling that is ultimately meaningless until you’re in the exact position of being a single parent to a child with additional needs asked to become a longterm kinship carer to a sibling’s child with potentially considerable additional needs. Would your children have been thrilled about suddenly sharing their mother’s attention and finite resources with a baby?

OP, you made the best decision as you saw it at the time, which is all that anyone can do, and your niece/nephew has regular contact with you and other birth family members and has parents. Don’t torment yourself by listening to your parents’ guilt-tripping.

pickledandpuzzled · 09/04/2023 17:15

You have done the right thing.
The last thing your DN needed was to be part of a family that struggled with him, as you may have given your DC's needs, resulting in both children having less than ideal care.

You are doing the very best thing in having contact with your DN, so when they start asking questions you can be the link to their origins.

I imagine as the family member who has most clearly understood the child's needs, that's why the AP are facilitating contact with you.

PonyPatter44 · 09/04/2023 17:15

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 09/04/2023 16:55

ywVVVu imo.

I could never let a family member go into care.

Jesus christ.

ODFOD.

The OP has her own child with additional needs, and her primary responsibility is to that child. It sounds like there has been a good outcome for the DN, with a nice adoptive family plus contact with FOO. Frankly it's the best of all possible outcomes.

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 17:17

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 09/04/2023 16:55

ywVVVu imo.

I could never let a family member go into care.

Jesus christ.

Taking on a child and having them live in a situation that would be detrimental to them and your own DC out of pride and stubbornness doesn’t make you the good person you think it does.

it makes you selfish and thinking of yourself and your feelings first and foremost. That is not what the Op’s DN needed from her. They needed honesty while they were young enough to have a a good placement and the chance of adoption.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 09/04/2023 17:19

You did what you felt was right for both children, OP. Very tough decision.

I can understand that it must be very tough on your parents as they lost their grandchild, but that is not your fault at all, and they should not be blaming you.

It sounds like the ultimate outcome was in the best interests of your DN as well as your own DC. It's great that you can still maintain a relationship.

OlympicProcrastinator · 09/04/2023 17:21

Your first responsibly should always be toward your child. Every decision we make as parents should put the needs of our kids at the forefront. It would be wrong to do otherwise.

You obviously carefully considered the impact and made the decision your own child would suffer. You would have had to explain your actions to your child when they got older if it didn’t work out.

Id rather my parents moaned than my child suffered if I were in your position. You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for. They are blaming the wrong person.

Createausername1970 · 09/04/2023 17:22

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 09/04/2023 17:11

I’ll echo this. My DN was much older and our circumstance was much more obvious as he and his mum lived with us for a while.

SS promised him, and us, the world for him to stay and then they promptly vanished.

Show quote history

They promise the earth, then as soon as you sign the Adoption Order they disappear without trace.