To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

Is there gaslighting from @Coyoacan that sold me! Her poor, poor daughter😂.

therw is a therapist somewhere who knows a lot about @Coyoacan

@Stripedbag101 Obsessive much

Go on your holiday, it sounds fab!

Before that though... pick one thing you know they'd want to scoff at or stop you doing... and do it. Doesn't matter how small.

Go to the garden centre and buy a plant and stick it in your garden, and don't tell them a thing. Make a decision, for you, and do it with zero input from them.

Then do another... and another...

When it comes to conversation with them - learn how to shut it down.

Have stock responses, mine is just 'Mmmm'. And then I change the subject, and often, walk away as well if it's in person. If its at their place or somewhere I can just leave, I just leave. No drama or stropping just 'Mmm' and then 'ok well I'll be off now bye' and just go.

When there is the same non-interested response and no opportunity to continue things, they soon learn!

My parents are similar in that they are undermining and don't really consider me a proper adult. I'm the most educated in the family, but df thinks I "talked my way into that course", like chatted up the professor during the interview or something. I've said that isn't true, obviously, and the fact that I got a distinction (Masters level) means nothing. I've married a man with a great job that pays well, and whike my career has taken a hit with having kids, I have earned a high salary in the past. But our lovely house and lifestyle in their mind is entirely down to dhs "real" job. It's so hard to hear. I can't defend myself any longer as I think it makes me feel worse..!

As other posters have said, limit the info, shut down the advice, and try to divert conversations away from that narrative and onto something where you're on equal footing.

@AppallinglyReheated love the flower idea, might do that tomorrow.

I have gradually learnt over the years the old adage "what she doesn't know, can't hurt her" when it comes to my mum.

Only a couple of days ago though, I was having a bit of a moan on the phone to my mum about something that happened at work, and that I was going to put in a complaint. Well, mum launched into "mum mode" with a "well, you need to say X and Y and Z! And, and, and..." Well-intentioned, but completely out of touch and over the top.
In the end, I had to "remind" her that she hasn't had a job in 30+ years, and I'm probably more in touch with the working world than she is, and that I probably do know best.
There was a moment of pause, until she eventually said "you're probably right."

I think she just forgets/can't understand that her baby girl, her youngest child, is nearly 40!

Very similar situation to yourself OP. Perimenopausal rage helped me lay down some boundaries once I realised how detrimental their behaviour was to my mental wellbeing and started putting my own feelings first.
I do constantly have to reinforce them though, it's exhausting. My mother does the silent treatment which suits me fine as its gives me a few days peace and I'm stubborn as fuck so never tempted to 'make peace' when I know I've done nothing wrong.
As low contact as possible works for me and I tell them nothing.

I think after school when I moved out / went to university etc I probably had the best relationship I have had with my parents. It's all started to go backwards over the past six years. I think co-dependency to begin with when I was ill and was going through a divorce has led to bad habits from both sides. But whereas I have started to get my life on track it feels like they have ramped up the control. The weekend of the gardening / shouting about washing / spreadsheet is probably the final straw in a couple of years of bad behaviour. I am ready for this change and to take back control.

Good for you OP. Use this thread if you need some support. It's not easy but you can start taking back control. I can't speak to anyone in RL as they all think my parents are super helpful and wonderful!

I had a similar dynamic OP, we got closer when I was really struggling mentally, and it was a closeness that I needed at the time, partly because I was talking a lot about the past, but then I moved forward out of it, and they didn't. We get on ok now but I have more space and better boundaries and far better mental health.