To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

My parents are like this, too. And it is really hard and frustrating. I haven't cracked yet how to navigate the situation, but just wanted to send you my sympathies, OP. I am reading the advise here with interest.

Dont tell as much. My mother is unreal I say little now. Holidays) no not sure plans again vague. I learnt hard way. She tries take over its draining..

Good for you.

Put a note up to remind you to be vague and look up grey rock and medium chill methods of conversing.

Learn to be vague.

Tell them things only when they are decided.

You do not need their permission for anything.

Counselling would be very helpful as you have been through so much.

Be kind to yourself, you have had a very tough time.

I think putting boundaries will be well within your reach considering all you have gone through.

I expect they were very worried about you when you had cancer and were going through the divorce and, at first you were grateful for their help. It seems to have interrupted the normal path towards full adulthood and independence.
I think you need to talk to them properly and tell them that you understand how this has come about but that you are now feeling undermined and criticised. I also agree that it would be an idea to tell them less about your plans. Reassure them that you are okay now and can cope fine.
It's possible that their original intentions weren't bad but a sort of co-dependance has evolved.

Have a look at dr ramani on YouTube. She has loads of content on narciccist parents. Not sure if yours are narciccistic but I've found it really helpful in terms of setting boundaries and breaking free from old patterns.

@Anonymouseposter This has given me food for thought.

I just read about co-dependency, parents infantilising adult children and narcissistic parents, wow, I have opened a can of worms..

Your parents sound exactly like mine! I was born 86.

I think sometimes the key is to not tell them so much. Do some thing spontaneous but don't tell them about it before you do it.
Don't tell them your holiday plans. Etc
I tell my parents things and then think "why did I tell them that?"
It's like we seek approval

My parents are like this, I tell them nothing, I don’t request help, I try to accept as little help as possible. I see them as little as possible & prepare “safe / easy” topics to discuss to keep the conversation as light as possible & let everything they say to me wash over me.

It’s sad that I have to do this but they won’t change so I’ve had to manage their behaviour & choose not to be impacted by them.

I wouldn’t dig too deep into the can of worms on the internet initially . They aren’t necessarily narcissistic, their original intent may have been to support you. They are now undermining you and it sounds like your father thinks it’s okay to talk to you as if you’re a teenager. I would try talking to them first before going down the no contact routes you will read about on the internet. Tell them less, don’t ask for their approval or very much help, unless you reciprocate by helping them so it’s equal. If you change how you respond they may change. Don’t argue like an adolescent just do as you please and if they criticise pull them up on it. If things don’t start to change in a few months and they up the ante you will know there’s more to it. There’s an awful lot of encouragement on the internet to cut parents off and an awful lot about narcissistic parents. It’s not always very nuanced.

@Anonymouseposter oh I would never cut them off! But lower contact and sharing less is what I’m going to try. And then maybe difficult conversations will have to be had if my gentler approach doesn’t work.

My parents are also a bit like this. I have learnt to be very careful about what I really them and that they don't need to know every detail about my life. It is hard though when sharing has become a habit.

As you start to build it's fine to say "I don't want an opinion on it, let's draw a line under it". Remind yourself that as an adult no-one should be berating you. It's really important that they don't transfer their behaviour to your youngest as they start to become more independent. They are the cause of your anxiety.

Sorry, typo.

It should say 'what I tell them' not 'what I really them '!!

Share your holiday plans on here, if you are thinking of cancelling because of your Dad. But remember that the only person they need to suit is you.

I agrée tou should reduce the amount of detail you give them. And do t accept money or help - they often come with strings. I had similar and that's how I've managed to maintain boundaries. I let them but stuff for DS if they offer but never for me.

I’m in Scotland. My plan was to drive to Devon / Cornwall with a few stops in between each way. I have two weeks off. My plans were ridiculed for the amount of driving, but my kids aren’t toddlers, the youngest is 10 and I wouldn’t do the drive in one go (I realise how ridiculous it will sound that I even have to justify it haha)

Yes, the money stuff is right. I accepted a holiday with my kids last summer, well I paid my way, but when we were there they kept paying for everything, but the entire holiday was on their terms and tbh I’m not even sure my kids had that much fun as they had no say in what we did each day, which is not how we operate as a unit.

Good advice above, particularly @Ponoka7, be very careful of your anxiety and your parents ridicule of you causing anxiety in your children.

This is really not healthy for any of you.

A road trip from Scotland down to the south coast sounds fab! Don't let your parents put you off.

It reminds me of how my Dad tried to tell me that I couldn't go for a particular job as it was too far for me to drive. He wasn't trying to discuss it with me, but was actually telling me.

So now he doesn't know exactly where I work, just a very vague 'on the edge of the city'.

Your holiday sounds great op, I bet the kids will love it, call it a road trip and you will all have a great time!

Not normal and not good for your children.

I think you need to really wake up to that and start protecting them.

Do not holiday with them again.

They sound awful.

What you and your children want doesn't figure at all.

I think you are being very naive I'm afraid.

This really isn't normal nor healthy for your children to see you so controlled and dictated to.

Seeing a lot less of them would benefit you until they learn to control THEMSELVES rather than you.

A really useful phrase that can help you as you re-set your boundaries is, "Thanks for your input/thoughts/ideas, but I'm happy with my decision". It may make them feel like you've listened to them but it also gently asserts that your decision is yours alone and that it's been made. You can use several variations of "I'm happy with my decision" if they try to keep pushing their opinions onto you.

Your road-trip to Cornwall sounds brilliant, by the way 🙂

Tell them not to worry because they’re not invited!

@PyjamaFan Had a similar experience with being told I couldn't apply for a new job.