To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

That would really annoy me to OP although they may think they are “helping”. You need to be quite frank that you appreciate being able to ask for their advice but unsolicited input is not welcome.

Yeh, it's that fine line I am struggling with.

Op, you're an adult now. People can only control you if you allow them to, and you're allowing it. You have got to take control here and put your parents firmly in their place.

So what if they get upset? That's their problem to manage. You simply can't live like this and it's a terrible example for your kids.

Can you talk to them? Every time they overstep a boundary, push back-hard. Be very firm. Tell them you don’t need their opinion on your holiday/childcare etc. They seem to have regressed with how they treat you.

YANBU, but stop telling them things! So book a holiday, but no need to mention it to them.

Change the locks on your house, and don't give them a key.
Learn to say no. They can only "control" you if you allow it.

They sound very controlling, yes. Can you go low contact with them? Doing your own garden sounds like a small price to pay.

I think I have let it happen, slowly over time. I probably did rely on them when I was going through a divorce./ illness but now they treat me like I am 15 and my younger brother and sister like the adults they are. It's starting to put me off going to any family events.
I shouldn't have told them about my holiday plans as they have completely put me off.

They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids.

I wondering if it's because your brother and sister have proper boundaries in place and simply won't entertain this type of controlling bullshit from your parents.

I say this gently, but all of this really is a "you" problem. You're letting this happen and you're letting them impact the choices you make, which is really silly considering you're 40 years old. You absolutely can put a stop to all this, you just have to stand up for yourself.

I think it is a me problem, I've always been horrible at setting boundaries.

The good news is that you can change this. Start today. Always remember that other people don't have to like your choices. What they think is irrelevant.

No it’s not normal. If you want to put a stop to this you’ll have to be very firm, endure their defensiveness, reduce contact and distract yourself if they whinge. They’ve reverted from being helpful back to being interfering and controlling.

Your father was wrong to come round while you were working, and proceed to berate you. When you’re WFH you’re at work, and there should be no visitors in the house talking at you and distracting you. I assume he decided to do your garden, you didn’t ask him? (Someone else messing with my garden would be a complete dealbreaker for me). Does he have a key or did you let him in? Either way this could be an easy first step - no more visits to “help” while you are working. You take the key back or don’t let them in while you’re working.

If you're WFH why is he turning up? Tell him to leave, you're working.
If they have a spare house key I'd suggest taking it off them.

I didn't ask him, he just turned up. Although he has been doing gardening for a few years after an initial offer. It's one of many things I started off being grateful for, but I don't care enough about the favour to put up with being berated like a child while I work a senior management role from home. It makes me feel insecure and like they think I am a failure, which may be me just projecting my childhood a little, as I was always the 'difficult one' as I was nervy and anxious.

How do you react when they do this?

My parents are very similar to yours. I just stonewall that kind of conversation until they give up.

So for example when my mother was going on and on about how much I was spending on my wedding, I just keep pointedly pushing every comment back to her own life...

"Well, you had a wedding and got to decide how much you spent on your wedding already so it's a bit of a moot point"

"Well that's nice. If you get married again, you do that then"

"If you have a second marriage, I'm sure that would be a lovely idea"

Eventually if she persists then I say "I don't remember asking for any advice on this topic so it's a bit of a waste of effort to give me any since I don't intend to take it".

Yes, it's blunt but it shuts them up.

I know it’ll be all tied up with your childhood but you are just sitting back and allowing them to control your life. Why? As an adult what are you afraid of if you tell them to back off and that you won’t be ‘controlled’ by them. As others have said, they can only control you if you let them.

Well, you were nervy and anxious because you had two overbearing parents who are controlling.

Time to put a stop to it.

But also time to put a stop to continuing to take on the story about your childhood - nervy, anxious, difficult, etc.

You need to drop that narrative about yourself.

What are three positive ways you would describe yourself now?

And honestly, from experience you have to push back hard a handful of times and after that they do eventually stop.

Mine forget and try now and then but I don't actually have to push back anymore...now I can just leave a three second pause and raise one eyebrow and they back track!

Did you let him in or does he have a key? If the latter you should get it back.
If the former, tell them very clearly that you cannot have them coming round while you’re working. Next time he rocks up (having ignored what you said) don’t open the door, and point out that you did say they couldn’t visit while you’re working.

Things like this will be hard for you and no doubt they’ll moan a great deal, but you’ll have to do it if you don’t want this to be your life.

There is this dynamic with my best friend’s family but quite honestly, it’s because my friend’s sibling tells them too much of the minutiae of their life. They speak / text almost daily so for example, the parents would know where the sibling is thinking of going on holiday and offer an opinion whilst my friend just tells them when they’ve already booked etc.

Your parents sound a bit like mine- generous but everything comes with strings, and they like to exert control.

I’m the youngest and have two little left siblings. I’m the only one that doesn’t have my parents interfere.

To be honest, I think it’s because my siblings allow our parents to do too much for them. They’re very happy to have our parents help with, say, the purchase of a car, but then get miffed when parents then get involved in the choosing of that car.

Same with things like gardening, childcare, getting work done around the house etc.
It’s very clear that my parents only do “favours” that have strings attached so no idea why my siblings are then surprised when the same things happens over and over again.

They’ll happily take my parents’ money, but then act shocked when they encounter interference in relation to how that money’s spent.

I love my parents but I involve them in nothing until it’s a fait accompli. If they offer unsolicited advice, I remind them that it’s my own money I’m spending, and ask if their parents would have been able to dictate what car they drove/layout of their house etc.

I’m at the stage now where my parents know and respect my boundaries, and they don’t interfere.

As a result, I haven’t had as many gifts from them over the years as my siblings have had, but it’s a fair trade.

Some of this feels familiar in my own life. How are you set financially, can you outsource 'parental help' like the gardening to a monthly/fortnightly professional gardener? Pay someone to put a lock on any side gate (and don't give them the key/code) and and extra lock on the front door/back door or change locks. White-lie and say it's for extra security. If pressed say a trusted local friend has a spare key. If they keep on be abrupt and firm, they'll kick off but they'll just have to deal with it.

I'm single and have an awful habit of feeling like I need parental permission to do anything in life. I'm also aware I share bits and pieces conversationally without really thinking. I'm making a concerted effort to put stop to it and being suitably vague instead.

It might be difficult to row back from where you are now immediately, but you can definitely stop it getting any worse.

For a start, do not tell them your plans in future unless it directly affects them. And can you do a couple of unexpected things in the near future? Day out with the kids, overnight stay somewhere? Paint a wall in your living room? Colour your hair green? Things they will definitely find out about afterwards. Start to put a buffer between them and you.

They do it with best of intentions, and you don't want to piss them off completely, you can never know when you might need some extra support, but you should have your own life.

Yes awfully controlling.

You badly need to step back.

Stop calling or answering the phone so much.

If you stop telling them all your business they will have less to interfere about.

Arrange someone else to do your garden if necessary.

Get used to say, thanks I'm good, I have it sorted, no need to concern yourself etc.

You obviously have been very involved but you need to pull back sharply.

@Createausername1970 That is actually a really good shout. It just crossed my mind that I never book away with my kids without telling them first.

How has this become my life.

Thanks also for the other suggestions, it's good to hear from people with similar parents who have managed to set boundries.

My ex husband was also very controlling and it was the main reason I left the ended, I felt so free... and now I feel I have been trapped and controlled again.

Sigh.

@billy1966
Thank you.

I think I actually needed other adults to say this to me - that I need to stop it myself and be firm.