To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

Yes, I think I knew deep down all of this wasn't right, but it's been so freeing to read all the replies from everyone and really validated my concerns.

They have keys because they 'know what I am like' and I will most likely lose things (I really don't!)

This gets worse and worse. They really see you as a rather dim, ditsy child. Get those keys back somehow. Broken record technique if they moan and demand you give them to them again. “I’ve decided I’m keeping them Dad”. You don’t owe them an explanation.

I don't really know why they see me like that. I'm very capable. I always felt like they saw me like that as a child too and struggled to make decisions for myself in my early 20s, kind of pulled it back after years and now it's gone full circle.

I was talking to them about applying for a job recently (obv now I know I shouldn't have) and my dad started warning me off because if people don't perform up to the role they can just get rid of them.

I have never so much as had a warning in previous jobs, have always been promoted and in fact am the boss in my current place. It's so ridiculous.

My parents throw out that up all night worrying stuff too. I tend to give this back to them and ask if they have spoken to anyone about their anxiety. It is theirs, not yours. Good luck with better boundaries OP. It will be hard but you deserve to grow up.

That's a good idea!

Yes, their anxiety is mot up to you yo solve.

My Dad once couldn't get hold of me on the phone for a couple of hours. I was at work and then driving so obviously couldn't answer. He was really panicking.

I asked him to remember when he was my age (36 at the time) and asked if his parents knew where he was all the time when he was 36. He said no.

I think it brought home to him how ridiculous he was being. I also made it clear that I didn't actually have to answer my phone if I didn't want to!!

I think as others have said you need to start telling them much less about what you are doing in your life. You should have applied for the job and told them if and when you got offered it and after you had accepted it. You can change the dynamics of the relationship quite easily but you have to change how you interact with them.

That’s exactly it isn’t it, they don’t realise until you point out how daft it would have been if they’d been in the same situation themselves.

Once when my birthday was coming up my dad asked me what I was doing for the day. I said I was working but would go out at the weekend. He acted completely shocked that I should have to go to work on my birthday. I asked him if he thought employers normally gave people their birthday off and asked whether he was given birthdays off when he was working. He just scoffed.

Yes it's the scoffing. When my dad came over the other day unannounced for gardening, he scoffed at me because I was working from my couch with a blanket on. I'd been out the night before and it was comfy. I wasn't going to sit there all day, but I really didn't need the scoffing. I felt like my personal space was hugely being invaded.

This is really difficult. I have the same issue with my parents.

my dad will explain really basic things to me then repeatedly ask if I understand. He will tell me I have overpaid for pretty much everything I buy, and give me instructions on how to do the most basic of tasks. For example if I am ordering a Chinese in the phone he will be talking in my ear explaining to me what the food order is and what I should say. When I call him out on it he gets offended and huffy, or he laughs at me.

he recently called at my house as I was leaving for a meeting - he told me not to speak at the meeting incase I got myself into trouble! I am a senior finance director on a six figure salary and I was chairing the meeting!

I have done a lot of reading up on assets g boundaries. Nothing really works apart from distance. Which is sad. I don’t tell my did too much about my life becomes he tries to take over. The fact that he views me as
incapable of undertaking the most basic of tasks really did a number on my self confidence as a young adults.

i am sorry I can’t offer any words of wisdom - but the less he knows about your life the less he can comment and finish your choices.

Same with mine.
I rent and they seem to think I'll crawl back to them 400 miles with all my stuff one day! No I move and sort myself out.
Latest suggestion is they sell up so we buy together, NEVER. I mentioned it to teen DC and they were horrified as if we visit its just awful.
They constantly critise but do it 'lovingly, dor your best '.
I had a promotion last year, they've been asking lately 'how are you coping with the job' when I say well, really well (as I'm waiting for another promotion) the response 'oh yes, that's it, not good buy we all have to do it'

OP definitely something you need to retrain them on. I think you are right that seeing you struggling and being able to rescue you during the divorce has stuck them in that mode.

As you haven't talked to them about it before, I think it would be fair to be pleasant, but also firm and clear.... with examples. You can say it as a positive thing- looking forward.

"Mum, dad.... I want to thank you for doing an amazing job supporting me through my divorce. I know it was a terrible time and it must have been scary for you. You guys stepped in with lots of practical and emotional support and I'll always be grateful.

However, we're now at a different stage. I'm all better now. I'm very successful in my job. I have two healthy happy children. I can manage my financiers, house, garden, and car, just like my siblings can. I am happiest and can flourish best when I am playing a fully adult role. But I think we have all got stuck in a bit of a rut because of the divorce - of you feeling you have to treat me like a child and take care of me, and me turning to you for help when I don't really need it.

I'd like to reset. Id like you to stop worrying about me, because Im fine. I'd like you to make a conscious effort to treat me like an adult, just like siblings. I'd like you only to step in in unusual circumstances and when I ask for it. I'm also going to be conscious in standing on my own two feet and making my own decisions, it might feel a bit weird for all of us to start with, but I know we'll all be happier. And it doesn't mean we'll see each other less - but I want to enjoy seeing you, rather than have you worry/ stepping in to teach me or fix things.

What do you think?"

Then, if they kick off or don't do it, you can get firmer/ tougher......

This is definitely worth trying to set your mind at rest.

But your parents are SO controlling and completely disrespectful of you, I would expect tantrums, tears and hysterics.

I would go so far to expect a health crisis with one of them to punish you.

By all means call me a bad minded old woman!🤷🏻‍♀️😁

I think it will take a lot of drama and tears and even a period of low contact to resolve this, if its even possible to resolve.

Your parents level of controlling you is actually both creepy and scary.

Their ascertain that they are awake at nights worrying about you, when it is patently unnecessary, is very manipulative and extremely unkind.

I don't think they are as kind as you think.

They like you helpless, it gives them purpose in their lives, perhaps a joint focus in their marriage, rather than their marriage and each other!

They are quite batshit.

Thinking you have people so close to you whom view you so negatively and incompetent, is really not good for your mental health, and as for the example it sets your children🙄.

Good luck.
Wishing you the best.

I love that thanks @BraveGoldie !

My father sounds very similar to yours op. There's no easy answer but what I have started to do is not tell him things he doesn't need to know everything I do or where I go and also be firm and consistent with my replies to his negativity.

It's interesting to read so many people in similar situations. Makes it feel less lonely and like there is hope.

Re your car MOT. You don't have to wait a year for the next MOT. Get it done yourself after 9 or 10 months. So when your dad starts to say it needs doing, you can tell him it's done.

Ask for the car keys back as you are thinking of part exchanging it and the dealer will want both sets.

Buy them a nice bouquet of flowers with a card, write in some lovely words about how much you love them and really appreciate their help over the years, but go on to say you are concerned they are becoming too dependent on you and you are concerned about them.

Turn the tables, start quizzing them about what they have been doing.

Someone once said to me, "Of you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one."

It hurt at the time but they were 100% correct.

Boundaries are really hard to enforce but sometimes you have to. As you find it hard, could you counter the next volley of advice with a gentle: “thanks Dad, I appreciate your input but this is something I need to sort out myself. I’ll let you know what I decide”. If you do this enough times he will get the hint. Also don’t share so much information and just do everything yourself before they even know there is an issue. The PP’s suggestion of sorting out the car MOT in advance is a good example. And go on that holiday but don’t tell them when. Just go.

so I. Your case your parents were controlling because you think you weren’t taking on adult responsibilities?

I think for the majority of folk on this thread we are acting as adults - the problem is our parents struggle to deal with that and have become locked in a cycle of condensation and control.

but it’s great your issue was so easily resolved😊

I wasn't speaking of ALL posters but replying to the OP.

My parents don't know when my MOT is due because I've not told them or asked them.

They don't have a spare key because I've never given them one.

Sometimes, especially as the OP was seriously unwell, we enjoy a certain amount of "parenting", which is understandable and somewhat comforting when you feel you need looking after a bit. I get it, but then when you're feeling more capable, others still regard you as needing them, as that's the dynamic of the relationship you've helped to create.

Okay then - but I’m that case I do think it’s harsh to tell a grown woman making her own living raising two teenagers etc to stop acting like a child.

I see an adult struggling with boundaries with controlling parents. Not someone acting like a child.

perhaps that was the case for you - but perhaps not. Perhaps you are big too harsh on yourself. There are a lot of personality types out there which make for difficult adult relationships. It’s not usually a case of ‘growing up’.

I have emotionalIy immature parents. They have very little empathy and can be quite selfish. It has taken a bit of therapy for me to see that’s not my fault. It’s still very hard to navigate and I have had to significantly reduce what I tell them. Never did a therapist tell me to act like an adult.

All I know is that when I started genuinely behaving like an adult, and didn't tell them as much, and relied on them much less, there was greater respect and less meddling.

I'm obviously not a therapist, but I have found that every relationship has multiple behaviours from the two parties involved, and if you don't like the way someone behaves towards you, SOMETIMES (heavily caveated) you can change the dynamic by changing your own behaviour.

Agree with everyone saying don’t give them too much information about yourself.

My mum is very similar to your dad and I remember reading a quote about the more knowledge someone has of you, the more power they have over you. It really struck a chord with me and I started to be more vague with her after that. This was when I learnt that her behaviour was more about controlling me than actually just having my best interests at heart. I’ve been non contact with her for a number of years and can honestly say I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I will say the one thing that puzzled me (and continues to puzzle me) was that although (according to her) I was the incompetent one who needed her input and guidance, whenever she needed help with something I was always the first person she asked - obviously wasn’t that incompetent hey.