To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

I would treat my dd like that if she let me, not because I think she's stupid or incapable, just a hangover from when she was a child. However she pulls me up each and every time

It was probably lovely for them to be helpful and involved when you were unwell and vulnerable. I can see how easy it would be for that to creep up into unwanted control so slowly you probably didn't worry at first.
Is there a longer term possibility of putting more miles between you as I find this cuts out a lot of that popping by to interfere.
I appreciate that's a bit cowardly as I hate confrontation but sometimes even all the boundaries can't put some people off from calling by.
My MIL is very much of the about to call out the army school of thought if she can't get in touch with us after a day! 2 grown adults and teen kids we won't have just been beamed up! I had to remind her that we are nearly 50 and it was her anxiety causing all the fuss for nothing. It does make you feel you are being tracked though.
I think your holiday sounds great, we did similar in reverse a few years ago and stayed in a hotel in Carlisle on the way to Skye. We all loved the road trip aspect.

You need to stop - you are damaging your relationship.

my mum gives this excuse - I just see you as little girl. If you want an adult relationship with your daughter she shouldn’t have to constantly correct you.

Don't me silly, I have stopped, I'm just explaining how it worked

Sorry when you said she pulls me up each and every time I took it it was an ongoing thing.

not being silly at all (mum, is that you😂😂).

I am not suggesting they have any sort of personality disorder (though they might, given what you say) but I recommend you have a look at the Out of the Fog website. There are a lot of sensible suggestions about how to manage difficult relationships and claim back your autonomy. And the forum is full of very helpful people should you wish to check it out.

PP have given great advice about approaches to begin to solve this in a happy as possible way for all, so I would definitely give that approach a good long try.

Tbf, although I’m probably biased, it does sound like they do do some things that are either helpful (gardening) or that in their eyes is (that spreadsheet!).

I say biased bc I have a controlling mum who will show up / call and only spend her time shouting about how everything I do / have done is a disaster. She has I think undiagnosed personality disorders (my two previous therapists brought it up, and actually agreed on which, in 2 different countries, which was very helpful for me). Anyway enough about me, all this to say she’s never lifted an actual finger and I was actually in care some of my childhood because she couldn’t cope with life (still can’t).

My dad used to be the complete opposite, absolutely absent, but we’re in a decent place now where he just gives advice if (rarely still) asked (bit of history re if he’d been here more I may not have been in care), and it’s lovely.

All this to say, hope it makes you feel better that at least your garden is good☺️ (kidding of course, the idea is just that it’s not healthy right now but hopefully will be soon🍀

An approach that will never work with my mum because she’s too much in her own world (she’d never be convinced to try therapy, it’s for crazy people) and she can be a bit mean with others as well, is hobbies : it sort of worked a little with one of my friends, as in her mum had a particular interest/talent, and she pushed and pushed, and she finally accepted. It’s not life changing but it’s rather recent and the mum seems happy, since she’s going back (also MH issues, but no narcissism like mine, she’s a nice mum deep down feelings wise really, just in actions she smothers her second (my friend, who is also the eldest girl) so much.
Little steps can help seemingly, I admit we were very surprised she stuck to it

I agree - don't even let her know you want to treat her like a child. My mother infantilised me to an extreme and it was one of the things that destroyed our relationship. I ended up really disliking her and going LC, at times NC.

Mum and dad I will always be grateful for the help you've given me when things were tough but my life is in a good place now and I have a good well paid managerial job where I'm trusted and capable of making very important decisions so I'm sure I'm capable of determining the best holiday for me and how to do my laundry why don't you take some time for you now and enjoy your retirement and worry less about me now I'm a grown woman.

Volunteering might be worth a try also, I feel for your dad active stuff like gardening helping, shopping, etc for elderly or struggling young families maybe even more, might suit him well (I have a lot of volunteering experience so it’s just a guess, but he sounds like more of an ‘action’ type, I wouldn’t suggest say Samaritans)

Struggling young families might be worth a try, because you can phrase it as thanking them for being so wonderful for you, you’re in a better place, and it’s so sad that not everyone is so lucky (which isn’t meant to be hypocritical, it just went on way too long for you, and they’d probably be great at it if they’re inclined to)

(For what my experience is worth only ! I did a bit of that but a long time ago. It takes a lot of energy, time, availability, and confidence (which made me as a young student without a car quickly réalise I wasn’t).

Please don’t hesitate if you have more specific questions re volunteering now or in the future, I don’t wish to bother everyone with novels about it☺️

This is perfect!

Someone recommended asking for the car keys back as you are thinking of part exchanging. Careful with that one as he will want to control that. Unfortunately you are going to have to just bite the bullet and get them back

I meant to tag this one. This is a perfect response

I've read this with such interest as I fell into this path about 8 years ago. It started off comforting and became really intrusive. My sibling said at the time, stop telling them so much. And it's true, that is the way to change the dynamic. I felt a bit mean withholding current information at first but now it's accepted and things are great between us all.

Yes, it's not a good idea because he will immediately start researching what new car she needs. And he'd probably take her car and do the p/x himself! No need to lie anyway, better to be diplomatic but truthful, escalating to less diplomatic as needed.

Yes it’s what inspired me for the volunteering option, because it also includes enjoying well deserved retirement

I’d honestly forget the car keys for now, or it can quickly sound like nitpicking/alienation. As it’s been so long, I’d choose your battles

I def agree say little. I was saying too much. Then got comments. So Im yes no. Holidays are last min deals. Siblings are same now we tell little. Pity it has be like this. Its negative too.

It's a really difficult one. As a 40 year old adult you shouldn't need their hands on support to live your life. If you do accept help then you can't in my view dictate how it is given. With parents like yours who if you give an inch take a mile it is not worth it in the long term.

I guess you could ask them to back off but that could lead to a fall out and as you don't want to go nc I don't think that would be the right option for you. Instead think I would step back so call less, be less available, when your dad was going on at you learn to shut the conversation down. So something like, 'I've heard you dad, thanks for the advice but I need to get the dinner on, see you next week'. Don't overshare, the less details they have the less they can pick apart.

Wherever they have helped you in thr past eg. childcare sort it out yourself, gardening use a gardener or do it yourself, going on holiday don't take a handout and go on the holiday you can afford. Ultimately it is your life op, you aren't used to taking control but ypu have done in the past and can do again. Your anxiety may well lead you to question yourself and that's totally normal but you sound more than capable. It will take time and won't necessarily be easy but you can do it if it is what you want.

@Sceptre86 thank you, this sounds pretty sound advice to me 🤗

I can sympathise with a lot of your experiences with your parents. It was similar in my family, until my Dad got sick, the family dynamic changed, and then things really came to a head.

I realised the only way to cope was to close up emotionally, to stop expecting closeness or any form of support from my parents. After that I started to feel more in control, and they started to change and actually make an effort. I think this approach has a name. I totally get what you say about the defensive attitude - now I've come to expect less, they're much much better behaved around me. Occasionally their old behaviour rears it's ugly head but it's much much rarer now. Best of luck to you.

@schoolissues1234

Before you next go on holiday change your locks so your parents don't have free range to your home. Don't warn them until that's done.

Also, Buy a programmable keysafe and have it installed somewhere discreet with a spare set of the new keys in. If you have to, absolutely in an emergency, give him the combination, but change the number at your earliest opportunity.

It will be tough to get your parents, your father especially, to back off but you need to do this for your own self respect and mental health. Good luck! 🌹

Now we all think you're our Mum!