To think my parents are controlling?

[schoolissues1234]

Growing up in the 80s/90s my parents were quite controlling. It wasn't a very collaborative family dynamic, very much an old fashioned, parents decide, kids do as they are told at all times situation. My dad would get quite angry and shout at us and rules ranged from what we wore / what we did on holiday, down to what we discussed at dinner etc.

My sister and brother are fairly robust, or seem to be, but I suppose I have always been a bit different, more free spirited, but also more anxious... A lot of my issues with anxiety in my 20s/30s can probably stem back to a cold household, angry parents, never being comforted or my feelings listened to etc. It wasn't until I had therapy and built healthy friendships and relationships that I thought the way I felt was valid.

As I grew up, married and had kids I became very independent, but since my divorce six years ago and an illness (cancer) in my late 20s, my parents have played more and more of a role in my life again. I am the oldest child, nearly 40, own my own home, have a teenage and 10 year old child, work full time etc, yet they act like I can't be trusted and need their input on every last thing, from household purchases to bigger life and career decisions.

To begin with, over the years, I appreciated it, they helped with childcare or DIY etc but now it's got so extreme that I don't know what to do.

In this week alone I've had my holiday plans torn apart by them, had my dad turn up at my house while I worked to do the garden, and start nagging me about my finances, how clean my house was / how much washing I had put in the washing machine etc.

I feel like I am a child again, disappointing them and they are involved in every bit of decision making.

This is not how I want to live my life and I feel quite trapped. They are not the sort of people I can say this to, without getting very defensive. They are not acting like this with my (younger) brother and sister, who are both married with kids. It's like I am an idiot to them, incapable of taking care of anything.

I just want them to back off but I don't know how to handle it.

AIBU to ask, is this too much or quite normal?

@Hongkongsuey Haha good point!

Your holiday sounds great. You could drive down on one side of the country and do a couple of stop offs. Have a week down south and then drive back up on the other side with a couple of different stop offs. Sounds great - as long as the kids up for it. Just do it anyway.

A relative of mine in USA applied for and got a brilliant new job in a different state. She handed in her notice (3 months) and they went for a week to the new area to do some initial house hunting. They got back home really happy wanting to show the family all the things to look forward to, only to be met with all her family saying how upset they were, how they would miss the children blah blah. Result, she had to crawl to get her old job back and pull out of the promotion. Now she is constantly over-looked at work, given all the crappy tasks, really unhappy. She knows she was stupid and regrets not taking the new job. She did decide to start looking again, but the industry she works for is fairly niche, and she hasn't got any interviews since.

Everyone I know who has accepted “help” from their parents have found themselves in the same position as u.
If u can try to become more independent.

@Skybluepinky Yes, I think I have been accepting too much help and I need to start getting on with it more myself - starting with the gardening.

I also realise - after having a reality check from this thread - that I share way too much info with my parents, like I need their approval for everything.

My parents were actually losing their temper at me when I took their criticism of my holiday plans badly... I don't really understand how I let it get this bad.

@schoolissues1234

Don't beat yourself up about it, as you can see from responses on this thread you're not the only one to be in this situation!

You have now recognised the problem and are finding ways to fix it. 🙂

I don’t think it’s your fault. I think the situation has just crept up on you. Because you were ill you needed help and they started to worry about you excessively and became over involved. There just needs to be a reset. They’re probably imagining you breaking down on the motorway etc. Just do what you want to do anyway and if anything goes wrong definitely make sure they never hear about it!

You need to stop telling them things and make it physically impossible for them to turn up and start gardening etc we have a full height wooden gate with a lock - neither of our sets of parents could turn up at ours and start doing gardening in the back (and there’s hardly any garden at the front). If you don’t want them to visit, tell them it isn’t convenient. If they turn up anyway don’t answer the door. Put up some boundaries.

Other posters have given good advice and you do need firmer boundaries.

I know how difficult it can be to straight talk to a parent (In my case a mother).

Im not sure if my advice is a retrograde step, but you could dress it up as you feel you need to stand on your own two feet and not rely on them so much (eg as they get older, become less able, you want to learn how to do things for yourself) You then suggest they only offer help when you ask for it. Point out they do less for your siblings and you don’t want to be the cause for jealousy.

Can you ask your siblings to drop similar hints to your parents?

Another option is to take the free help, but just grey rock everything else. And tell them less about your plans. At one time I tried to be the most boring person in the world, didn’t stop my mother though.

Obviously the best option is just be honest and tell them straight.

They were recently on holiday and there was an issue with my plumbing so I got it sorted. I dropped it in conversation and my dad started quizzing me, over the top, who did I call, what did they do, how much did it cost. It really put me on edge. Maybe I could have got it cheaper / maybe a better job could have been done... but also, it made me feel like I am incapable of doing it myself.
They would never quiz my siblings in a similar situation.
They would also never ask them how much their summer holidays were costing. My parents had a spreadsheet out to try to inform my why it would be too expensive with petrol costs etc.

There are many times over the past couple of years that I wish I had said many of the suggestions in the thread above, but I will start from today.

A spreadsheet??

Wow. That's insufferable behaviour.

They’ve made a spreadsheet of fuel costs? My god…

Do they not have much else to do? I think they need hobbies to concentrate on, this sounds so unhealthy for you and them.

I am the sibling that doesn’t have this from parents who do it a bit with my sister. It takes being the aloof arsehole of the family, not getting as much help or resources, but it’s worth it. My sister is perceived to be the person who needs huge levels of help and advice, she’s had several disastrous relationships, has been a single mother for several periods of time, she does make some quite ruinous decisions and they feel they need to get involved. But all the time they’re there constantly ministering she can’t develop her own sense of self. It’s too smothering.

Through no fault of your own you’re probably also seen as the vulnerable one that needs saving. You’ve come out of the other side of illness and divorce and are building this new independent life. Maybe a gentle talk saying you’re thankful for all the help they’ve given but now it’s time for them to give attention to other areas of their lives. Because they really do need to find something a bit less smothering to be getting on with!

If that doesn’t work you’re going to need to do some straight talking and also stop accepting so much help, as others have said it infantilises you.

Yes, this sounds quite similar to your sister.

At the start is was very much appreciated as I was in a desperate state, but six years later, it's completely suffocating..

With the plumbing example I think you just have to be "yes it's sorted, anyway how is aunt X doing, I heard she got a new job..."
Total diversion

The other thing that you can do is you don't have to listen to it. This was a revelation for me when my mum kept on and on about how fat I was, how no man would want me, how ugly I was... I said to her one day if she started about my weight I would leave. She started, I left
I warned her, and I don't have to sit there and take it, I'm an adult

I wasn't going to post as you have had some cracking advice on here. But the spreadsheet tipped me over the edge!!

My parents used to be like this, and still try to do so to an extent but I did what the majority have advised. I don't tell them anything until it is all sorted. They still have an opinion but I say 'well that is what we want to do '

Like you, many years ago when I was single I had a crack on my car door window. I got a replacement sorted but like your dad, mine quizzed me to the extreme, told me I had paid too much for it and why didn't I go to the scrap yard to see if they had a car window to sell me!! Luckily my boyfriend at the time helped me get my head straight and reassured me that was a batshit response.

Please book this holiday, I love the idea of a full UK road trip. Your kids will love it and will totally respect you for pushing back

Good luck it isn't easy at first and won't work overnight but you will get there x

I have parents like this. I think circumstances in their lives have led to this but this isn't my responsibility. As others have said, I work hard to set and maintain boundaries. Deliberately keep decisions (big and small) confidential, careful about what I share in conversation and how often I talk with them etc

You could start using the broken record technique to shut them down. Eg the plumbing issue:

Dad: who did you call, what did they do
You: It's fixed Dad, and it's fine
Dad: but you could have got it cheaper
You: It's fixed Dad, and it's fine
Dad: but but blah blah blah
You: It's fixed Dad, and it's fine.

Repeat the same words in the same tone of voice. It works. You're not discussing it with him so he gets nowhere and has to stop.

Holiday:
Dad: you can't do that [enter stupid reasons and spreadsheet]
You: I've booked it Dad, and we're going
Dad: blah blah petrol driving
You: I've booked it Dad, and we're going
Rinse and repeat.

As pp have said though, you tell them too much. No need to tell them about things you're getting fixed around the house. Your dad clearly sees this info as a wonderful opportunity to interfere (and in his mind, prove to himself that you're not capable and need him to take control).

It's reassuring to hear of others who have been in similar situation and are out the other side.

@VivaDixie last time my car was up for MOT by dad actually booked it in for me and took it down there. I didn't ask him to - he told me he had done it. I imagine his head will explode next time I get my car sorted without his help.

He’ll be furious the first time, but he’ll get used to it, because it will be part of your new relationship with him - the one where you’ve made clear to him that you’re an independent adult.

I hope he doesn’t have a spare set of keys for your car?! If so, take it back. You own your property and your spaces. Your father has no need to be able to access them whenever he wants without your permission. And no this isn’t harsh - his “helping” is a hobby/ obsession of his, he does it because he wants to feel he’s done the correct things on your behalf, because you’re incapable. That isn’t what being helpful is.

Yes, he was a senior manager in his job before he retired, I think he needs something to manage and it's become me. They've told me before they are up at night worrying about me. I have a house, mortgage, no debts, full time well paid job and two healthy children er.......

He does have a spare car key.

My parents were similar in being overly helpful to the point of it being controlling. They got worse after I had health issues and reverted to treating me like a child. Drawing very firm lines in the sand and grey rocking them helped to an extent, but it took a massive teenage-style row to get through to them. I hope it doesn't take that much for you.

You need to get your car and house keys back...
And I think a round the UK road trip sounds amazing!

It would be a good idea to come up with a reason to get the car and house (I am assuming they have these too) back.
Then keep changing the subject when they ask for them. After a while you can say its working well without them having spare keys.

There is no reason on earth why he needs one. How many other people do you know who give their dad their spare car key?! It’s your car, but even though you know he barges in to your property and does things you don’t want, you give him opportunities by giving him a key.

As for the “up at night worrying about you”, that is ridiculous. It’s another way of controlling you by guilt tripping. You have to let them run your life, otherwise you’re the cause of your poor old parents worrying! My late mother did the worrying thing too, in her case it was her way of trying to make me tell her every detail of my life so she could criticise, comment and interfere. It wasn’t hard for me to ignore her whinging “I worry about youuuu” over the phone in a fake sad wobbly voice, because it was so ridiculous and annoying.