To think DPs ex is ridiculous?

[DrMaxwell]

So, DP and his ex have shared care of their 3 DC, a week at a time. During termtime they swap on a Friday with one parent dropping at school and the other collecting. The arrangement is to swap back around 3ish during holidays.

Last week the DC said that their mum had gone to her home country to visit her parents as they are unwell. Might have been helpful to know in case of emergency but otherwise not our business.

She emailed telling DP to drop the kids at a childminder at 3pm. He replied asking if she could confirm when she was returning to the country and he was happy to drop them home when she got back, but didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there. She wouldn't give any information and insisted he drop them off at 3pm. He said no and that he'd drop them back to her. 3pm came and she said she'd called the police saying he was refusing to return the children against a court order. We didn't hear any more until 8pm when she messaged saying she was home and wanted the kids back.

I know this is a really petty issue but it's been irritating me all weekend.

Yes. It's what people think to do when their exes refuse to return their children. They panic. Have you not seen the threads on MN when a father refuses to bring children back after contact? They get told to call the police/ask for a welfare check/lie and say he's dangerous/call social services/get a solicitor/get a court order. She only did what a lot of people do. She knows he had no right to do what he did and wrongly assumed the police would help.

I wouldn't drop my dc to a cm not knowing if their dad was in the country or not.

And have you seen the threads by women who don't want to hand their kids over for very valid reasons and how often they are actually advised to just breach court orders?

My guess is that nothing will happen in this situation except the two parents will continue to bicker with each other, try and get one over on each other and basically subject the kids to all the stupid petty drama.

And you would rightly be supported in that decision. I wouldn't either.

They could not stay there as the Ex had set up childcare on her terms, as per the court order and the OPs DP was happy to abide by this until he realised he didn't have the details about Ex's itinerary. (He wasn't doing this to help her out and save childcare costs, he was doing it to exert control because she had put up boundaries to stop him being involved in her life more than necessary)

He then changed the plans and refused to follow the court order until he had received information that the Ex was not legally obliged to share with him.

She insisted he follow the agreed plan as her itinerary was not his business, all he needed to know was that he was to drop the DC off at the CMs at 3pm and she would be picking them up later.

He continued to refuse to do this and so she informed the police that her Ex had breached the court order and refused to hand over their children to her appointed childcare at the agreed time in order for the situation to be officially recorded, just in case she needed it for any future court proceedings.

I don't see what the Ex has done wrong? She could have told him the information he wanted but she isn't obliged to and, depending on the situation and wider context, it may have been worse for her if she had done so and so she did the right thing by stonewalling him and telling him only what he needed to know - that the children were to be taken to a specific place at a specific time and left with a specific person until their mother returned.

Yes, he's made the drama by not dropping the kids at the childminder at 3pm as asked because his ex refused to give him information about her plans beyond what he needed to know. Calling the police was her setting that boundary.

My ex dp had a terrible co parenting relationship with his ex due to this type of controlling behaviour. They used to drop their dd off in a carpark halfway (they lived 50 miles apart.) Ex dp hated her father and instead of just not looking at her father in the car on exchange of their dd in carpark, he wanted to control the situation to the point he TOLD her NOT to bring her father with her to pick dd up and if she did he would drive away. She, not wanting to be dictated to, brought the father along in the car (baring in mind, the father was just sitting in the car so there was no exchange in words/ looks) and ex dp got so raged as he pulled up and saw the father he drove way and drove home. The mum called the police and ex dp had to drive back to return their dd to her. Dramatic, yes, could she have called him and tried to resolve it? Yes. But he had form to manipulate the situation and she would have ended up having to listen to his abuse, listen to the whole boring "gripe" story of why he hates the father and he would have most likely manipulated it all to get his way. So calling the police set a boundary, nipped it in the bud and after the policeman had to listen to ex dps story of why he hates the father, the policeman just said "well maybe just not look at him if he's in the car at drop off." Ex dp never did that again, so sometimes one dramatic thing can save a whole series of drama where the ex tries to control the situation, in this case because he wanted information that was none of his business beyond "drop off at 3 to childminder. "

And have you seen the threads by women who don't want to hand their kids over for very valid reasons and how often they are actually advised to just breach court orders?

Yes, as per my previous post, a lot of people (women) think children belong to the mothers and she has the right to determine what happens to them at all times. Those people are wrong. And "valid" is subjective. What they think is valid is not always what the courts or anyone else thinks is valid. Hence, why courts need to get involved when parents can't agree on what is right, good and valid for their children.

Your DP was being ridiculous. Let it go.

Yeah, maybe next time when switchover happens the ex will refuse to hand the children over until after 8pm to keep things equal. I'm sure OP and her DH will be fine about it if that is totally inconvenient for them.

Oh come on, people often misuse emergency services, I had ex's mother send them round to mine to do a 'welfare check' once. They were baffled and behaviour like that got her a bollocking in court. It was literally done to 'punish' me.

If she wants to be absolutely ridiculous, she probably will. And yeah, they can't really contest it but that doesn't make it any less ridiculous. Again, I'd feel most sorry for the kids.

Yet you don't have a problem with OP's DH "punishing" his ex for not telling him her plans.

Interesting that you assume it's a punishment rather than a dad genuinely feeling uncomfortable with a situation. How was she 'punished' exactly?

4 times during lockdown I had the police at my door because my ex had reported me for having parties. Each time the police found nothing happening. They told me that they were getting lots of false reports.

It's more likely the dc have been to this childminder before, especially as the mum is using them whilst abroad. It just sounds like the dp was using this excuse to score points. I'm sure if the situation was the childminder was picking the dc up from school for the mum, like they probably have before, or provided holiday care, there wouldn't be a problem. He only kept them because the mum refused to give him information about her itinerary. If he was that bothered he could have asked the childminders name to look up or ask on drop off for proof of their qualifications/safeguarding info.

Interesting that OP hasn't come back!

If he was that bothered he could have asked the childminders name to look up or ask on drop off for proof of their qualifications/safeguarding info.

She wouldn't have told him though?

If he was uncomfortable with the situation he wouldn't have been alright with dropping the children off at the childminders at all. But as has been pointed out repeatedly, he didn't have an issue with the children staying with the childminder. His issue was not knowing his ex's plans.

She was punished by being told he wasn't going to return the children because she wouldn't do what he wanted. She arranged and paid for childcare. She then had to spend time communicating this chaos to the childminder, and will have lost money for nothing, all while trying to get home, with the worry of a sick relative being left behind.

4 times during lockdown I had the police at my door because my ex had reported me for having parties. Each time the police found nothing happening. They told me that they were getting lots of false reports.

Yes, the police, or threats of police, seem to be a popular weapon with people who hate their exes.

If he was uncomfortable with the situation he wouldn't have been alright with dropping the children off at the childminders at all. But as has been pointed out repeatedly, he didn't have an issue with the children staying with the childminder. His issue was not knowing his ex's plans.

OP clearly stated he felt 'uncomfortable.' Why are you so adamant that she's lying?

The ex's complaint to the police wasn't a false report though. He did actually refuse to return the children as per the court order.

I bet she would have, had he asked the name of the person he was dropping off to. Or he could have asked her at the door. No childminder would mind being asked as they are trained in safeguarding and would support a parent who didn't know them finding out if they are safe.

He was uncomfortable with ex keeping her plans from him. Not the childminder. How can he be uncomfortable with that but also happy to go along with it?

Oh absolutely. You can guarantee if the mum had said "i will be home around 8" when he asked, the dp would have been fine to drop them at the childminder. Because according to his logic, the childminder is only safe as long as he knows when the mum will be back 🤔

The OP actually said "he didn't feel comfortable leaving them with a childminder with no idea how long they'd be there." which is totally different to if she'd said "He didn't feel confortable leaving them with a childminder he didn't know and/or had never met before".

The OP said he was uncomfortable leaving them with the childminder for an unspecified amount of time not uncomfortable leaving them with the childminder full stop, which means that many of us have inferred that he was happy to leave them with a childminder in the first place as otherwise the OP would not have put the qualifier in that it was the unspecified time that was the issue he had, and the OP has not corrected that.