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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just my husband who can't...

130 replies

Silverbook · 09/04/2023 11:37

plan or organise anything. Literally anything. It's so f@cking infuriating. I plan and organise everything - house/life admin, food, all finances, shopping, DC childcare, holidays, day trips, vet, car, house & garden upkeep etc If it's relevant we both work FT. Financially we contribute equally.

I often wonder what his life would look like if i wasn't here. I asked him once and he said that he's plan things then but why do it when I was able to. Part of me want to just stop but I don't want DC (or me!) to miss out

Overall he is a caring, hands on and hard working dad. I'm not disputing that but he is so unintentionally selfish with his lack of thought it drives me up the wall. I'm actually not even sure it is selfishness, he just seems happy to coast along and have no experiences whereas I really value experiences.

So next weekend I've booked short city break just for me and DC. I am aware of how petty this is but I'm so hacked off with him benefitting from everything.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:46

What I always notice with these lazy men is - they manage to hold down good jobs that involve planning. It miraculously can’t plan for dinner (because they have a woman to do it all for them)

Shoxfordian · 09/04/2023 11:46

He’s not really contributing but it sounds like he never has; not likely to change

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:47

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

U should use full words properly. Y don’t u?

Also U R talking bollocks. OP doesn’t have delusions of grandeur just because she wants to share the mental load.

Just because U R happy 2 B a slave 2 UR Nigel it doesn’t mean other women should.

Rantypanties · 09/04/2023 11:52

I don’t blame you, my husbands getting progressively worse for this to the point he’ll ask me if he should ‘park there’ when we’re arriving somewhere. He’s the driver! Who would he ask if I wasn’t in the car!!!

I completely understand your frustration and would have done the exact same thing as you.

and @Skybluepinky you sound thick- fucking delusions of grandeur. Do you even know what that means?

FreddiesTeeth · 09/04/2023 11:52

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:47

U should use full words properly. Y don’t u?

Also U R talking bollocks. OP doesn’t have delusions of grandeur just because she wants to share the mental load.

Just because U R happy 2 B a slave 2 UR Nigel it doesn’t mean other women should.

Show quote history

🤣🤣🤣

adulthumanfemalemum · 09/04/2023 11:54

Yours is not the only one, mine is similar. He's good at some stuff eg planning and doing house DIY, cleaning, furniture buying, computers, phones, switching energy supplier etc. But days out and holidays and stuff for the kids and food, he's useless, I do it all. It's occurred to me before now that if I wasn't here the kids wouldn't do any extra curricular activities and would never have an Easter egg hunt or similar. I don't think it's unusual for this to be the case though. I don't really mind as I enjoy doing that stuff and not the house and cleaning stuff.

A little girl I teach lives with just her dad because her mum is dead and when the class talked about Easter egg hunts in the garden she said "there's never been eggs in my garden " 😢

SmallAngryPenguinWoman · 09/04/2023 11:55

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:47

U should use full words properly. Y don’t u?

Also U R talking bollocks. OP doesn’t have delusions of grandeur just because she wants to share the mental load.

Just because U R happy 2 B a slave 2 UR Nigel it doesn’t mean other women should.

Show quote history

You made my head hurt trying to read that @TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl 😆

Delusions of grandeur because OP wants her DH to contribute equally 🙄

FictionalCharacter · 09/04/2023 11:57

It isn’t unintentional though, is it? He’s admitted that if you weren’t there he’d have to do it and would do it. He’s just lazy, and that’s intentional.

TheCentreSlide · 09/04/2023 11:57

@TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl 🤣

ibis17 · 09/04/2023 11:59

I needed to read this. My DP has just taken four hours to pack the car and then sulked because he couldn’t get everything to fit in. Lovely guy otherwise but anything remotely organisational and he goes to the dark side.

Isanny · 09/04/2023 11:59

It's not that he cant just that he wont

I'm sorry OP.

Aweebitpainful · 09/04/2023 12:00

Not just yours. For many reasons and not just this one I left him.

Neededanewuserhandle · 09/04/2023 12:00

Make him do it.
Stop being a martyr.
Or do it and accept it.
No point coming on here for a moan fest about other DHs.

Devoutspoken · 09/04/2023 12:04

I would pay for as much services/help you can get, ie, cleaner, food delivery etc and just plan your life experiences as you wish, more or less as if you were single, take advantage of the freedom

ComeOnThenFanny · 09/04/2023 12:07

Isanny · 09/04/2023 11:59

It's not that he cant just that he wont

I'm sorry OP.

Yep, this.
That phrase "why keep a dog and bark yourself" springs to mind. Infuriating! Fwiw, I think it's great that you've booked to go away without him.

Chowtime · 09/04/2023 12:12

Agree with a pp who says outsource as much as you can - food delivery, cleaner, service wash at laundrette. He won't change - don't do anything for him though - only if it benefits you and the kids.

Hamsterrace · 09/04/2023 12:12

adulthumanfemalemum · 09/04/2023 11:54

Yours is not the only one, mine is similar. He's good at some stuff eg planning and doing house DIY, cleaning, furniture buying, computers, phones, switching energy supplier etc. But days out and holidays and stuff for the kids and food, he's useless, I do it all. It's occurred to me before now that if I wasn't here the kids wouldn't do any extra curricular activities and would never have an Easter egg hunt or similar. I don't think it's unusual for this to be the case though. I don't really mind as I enjoy doing that stuff and not the house and cleaning stuff.

A little girl I teach lives with just her dad because her mum is dead and when the class talked about Easter egg hunts in the garden she said "there's never been eggs in my garden " 😢

I grew up with just my dad and my childhood was very similar. I had my dc with a very similar man and its my biggest fear that I'll die before they grow up.

AspiringMermaid · 09/04/2023 12:13

My DH studied law and is good with computers, so literally anything I can argue is related he deals with, so finances, insurance, contracts, customer support for something, WiFi problems, bills, most life admin, oh any car stuff and building furniture I am rubbish at that😅on the other hand he cannot organise a house or social things or plan food, actually wouldn't trust him to run a bath. I can ask him to do very specific cleaning tasks or a shopping list (he will still call me to check).
What is your husband good at? My DH doesn't like having to do all life admin but I just refuse, I cba and do enough

Summerfun54321 · 09/04/2023 12:14

Lazy husbands only exist because wives tollerate them. Tell him to pull his weight otherwise you'll divorce him.

Snowite · 09/04/2023 12:15

It's not an ability issue. He just thinks that your free time is less important than his. Completely disposable, in fact.

Reminds me of an article about someone who decided in divorce after DH left dirty plates next to the sink. Or something like that. Wasn't about the plates or his ability either.

Chowtime · 09/04/2023 12:15

Neededanewuserhandle · 09/04/2023 12:00

Make him do it.
Stop being a martyr.
Or do it and accept it.
No point coming on here for a moan fest about other DHs.

I need to explain something to you and quite a few other women on here seem to find difficult to understand @Neededanewuserhandle

See the thing is, women can't just not do it. They can't not take their kids to get new shoes when the old ones are too small because their feet will become deformed. They can't not take their kids to the dentist/optician/doctor/asthma clinic just because the other partner won't - thats abuse. They can't not feed their kids just because their partner won't because kids die if you don't feed them.

So Please stop saying "stop doing it". We can't stop doing it because it has to be done.

DustyLee123 · 09/04/2023 12:16

I do all the cleaning in our house, he wouldn’t do it well enough (I know from Experience 🙄) and he says that he can’t see any dirt. And I’ve wondered what he’d do without me, and the answer is that he’d live on ready meals and pay a cleaner.

B0g · 09/04/2023 12:19

You do everything as a lone parent, and giving your kids a shit example that men do nothing. Why have you not divorced him? Your life would be unchanged except you’d have less laundry and cooking to do.

Dixiechickonhols · 09/04/2023 12:23

If you weren’t there I suspect he’d fall quickly into another relationship and new woman would do it.
Can you agree he’ll sort main holiday or a mini break. And be totally in charge of some of the children’s activities.