Is it just my husband who can't...

[Silverbook]

plan or organise anything. Literally anything. It's so f@cking infuriating. I plan and organise everything - house/life admin, food, all finances, shopping, DC childcare, holidays, day trips, vet, car, house & garden upkeep etc If it's relevant we both work FT. Financially we contribute equally.

I often wonder what his life would look like if i wasn't here. I asked him once and he said that he's plan things then but why do it when I was able to. Part of me want to just stop but I don't want DC (or me!) to miss out

Overall he is a caring, hands on and hard working dad. I'm not disputing that but he is so unintentionally selfish with his lack of thought it drives me up the wall. I'm actually not even sure it is selfishness, he just seems happy to coast along and have no experiences whereas I really value experiences.

So next weekend I've booked short city break just for me and DC. I am aware of how petty this is but I'm so hacked off with him benefitting from everything.

This.

He does it because it works for him.

I'd have just let him get wet in his jeans.

If he's capable at work, he's capable at home. Sounds like he knows you'll just step in at home.

My partner is autistic and he's the best planner ever. No detail is left undone and everything runs smoothly.
Good job really because I'm the complete opposite

When you write U like that, you come across like a teenager.

It's called learned helplessness op.

I think that it's rare that two people can be the organizers. Different people have different opinions on how it should be done. Men can organize things - of course they can. But if they do they are frequently branded controlling on MN. Divide the labour so one party organises kids and the other the house and car - for example.
I used to hate if it DH tried to organize the kids because it invariably cut across something I'd already organized. So he did the holidays.

Let's not slip into sexist cliches. We are better than that.

I'll reply briefly because as a guy (I saw this while looking for something else!) it might be useful to you!

My wife and I are a bit similar to this. She does all the organising, planning etc. I do the DIY, gardening, most cleaning/tidying and a lot of childcare.

She does get annoyed at me for not thinking of stuff that we need to do, and honestly I just don't think of it! We are different people, I'm much more laid back, and figure I'll just wing it if I need to. She worries and wants to be organised and know what is happening. From speaking to friends, I don't think this is unusual. I can see it's hard if you're the one that wants to be organised.

e.g. she always does the childrens packing to go on holiday. She is very organised with it, everything is planned and carefully placed in a suitcase. If she forgets something I just shrug, it doesn't bother me. If I did the packing and forgot something, she would hit the roof. Equally when I take our boy (4yr old) away camping by myself, I just grab a load of his clothes and a toothbrush and shove them in my bag.

So basically if you want him to do more, you need to accept it might not be done the way you want it to be!

The best thing that helped us is to have a weekly "planning" session on Sunday evening. We have a Trello board, with "ToDo", "Doing" and "Done" and decide what we are going to do that week, put cards onto the board and allocate them to someone.

The aim is get every thing in "Doing" done that week. It doesn't mean they always get done(!) but does at least mean the tasks are discussed and tracked. Daily tasks tend to fall to always the same person e.g. laundry (her) and cleaning the kitchen (me).

Yup - marriage is teamwork and we need to play to our strengths. I used to organise all the outings and holidays because I was good at it (and more imaginative!) and OH used to do a lot of cleaning and gardening and DIY (no use asking me to do cleaning - my filth threshold was much higher than his!).

We both went out to work; we shared child care and school runs depending on our days off.

Sadly he died 3 years ago - but I did not feel resentful when he was alive at him not organising things.

If you both work F/T OP then you should be sharing out all the chores equally. Choose the ones you prefer (searching for holidays? Taking the kids clothes shopping/organising birthdays?) & make a list of the ones you'd like him to do (bins, toilets, vacuuming or whatever. If he moans tell him you're dropping to P/T hours as you don't have time/energy to do everything in the house/garden/for kids all on your own. My DH does a lot more now he works from home (washing etc - I don't do it right apparently 🤫 & a Sunday roast now & then) & if stuff breaks he'll look at it & try & fix it before I phone for repairman etc. But tbf I'm a stay at home parent so it's totally different dynamics here & I can't imagine working F/T AND STILL doing all the life admin/errands/gardening etc I do. So hats off to you OP 👏 I do lots of volunteering so I am busy but just not paid for it. Good luck!

I could have written this.

I often go away just me and DC as well - just an FYI though, my DH will be happy for us having the experience and not be bothered in the slightest about not coming 🙄 happy to receive the photos of us enjoying ourselves 😂

I'm normally quite 🙄 about MNers pulling up other MNers on their grammar but that is an absolutely sensational comeback OP 😂

Does your husband have a job? It sounds like weaponised incompetence. If he can hold down a job he can organise a city break.

OP I'm married to one of these too. Wasn't like it at the start, he was quite spontaneous and always wanted to do things. Over time it's gotten really boring, I plan EVERYTHING, I mentioned this to him before and used the food shopping as an example and he had the nerve to declare "well that's not fucking difficult is it?!" Well then why don't you ever bloody do it then! Gah! He has a good job, yet anything life related he just isn't part of until I make him aware its happening.
Any trips we go on I book and plan and he just drives the damn car and thats his contribution. I feel your pain.

Mine lost his free pass after he planned a trip to the US for work including sorting himself flights, visas, accommodation, coach from a slightly cheaper airport because it would be more scenic, onwards transportation to the second location, insurance, packing and an order of appropriate equipment to be delivered to his accommodation.

Made for some slightly tense evenings where I suggested the cat was the better mammal to ask if he wanted to know whether it needed feeding than the human who had just walked in the door after work, said that regretfully my psychic projection abilities had malfunctioned so I would be unable to instruct upon what was in the supermarket on offer today for dinner and whilst I have set up all my share of the bills to go out by direct debit, I did not know whether he had done so for his and therefore he would need to sort out and decide if a particular bill needed paying.

It worked, though.

My sister is one of those super organised people who is upset at her hubby for not doing enough organisation but when he does try she complains no end he has not done it the way she would do it or as well as she would have done it - so not surprisingly he does not try as much as she would like him to.

I have just had this very conversation/ argument with my other half after dinner this evening… I am in the same situation… I do everything - he will do stuff I ask him to do (eventually) but won’t ever think of things to do himself.

He took the day off to look after the kids today as I was working. He planned nothing and then got really annoyed with them as they were messing about (ie bored). He planned nothing for dinner either so when I finished work I had to sort that out as well (and tidy up the lunch things before I started cooking!)… he then ate a packet of crisps while I was cooking as he said it was taking too long and he was hungry…

He’s a project manager for goodness sake so clearly has the skills and ability to plan and organise things, yet he chooses not to. It infuriates me.

I don’t know what the solution is. I’m just jumping on here to show solidarity and say you are not alone. It’s bloody annoying and I really don’t know how I got here and became sole project manager for a family of five but here I am and I’m knackered.

Men are not stupid, nor are they incapable. The greatest trick they've ever pulled, gotten away with and the world perpetuates is the incapability of men to organize their lives without women.
It's bullshit. If he can hold down a job, if he can get washed and dressed, if he can drive, if he can get married, I assure you he's absolutely capable of organizing anything and everything. He chooses not to and gets away with it because you will always step in to (like you said) protect the children from missing out. He said it to your face if you weren't there he would do it because he'd have to. It's up to you wether or not you put up with it
You say he's a great hands on dad, what does that look like to you? Is he hands on because you've facilitated all the hard work for him to sail in and play with them or take them on a trip that youve also organized.
If you didn't do those things, would be be a good dad or husband? Does he know their birthdays or yours? Does he do the upkeep of holding a relationship with his mother or family or do you do that too?
We too often make all these excuses to keep them afloat. But if you remove your Influence how good is he?
Because he's clearly upsetting you, you've made him aware and again he said to your face why should he bother when you do it? Which shows to me that really your feelings don't really matter to him as long as he's happy.

You are right. It’s the woman’s fault. Every time. Either his mother or his wife. It’s never the man. They are perfect

That’s not the point, and you know it - to argue otherwise is just silly.

Okay so I a. Tiny proportion of cases men will have been emotionally abused in relationships. It happens to men and women and we should be sentive to that. So yea I was being facetious.

but in the vast majority of cases it isn’t a
super critical wife that makes men incapable of performing domestic duties. And I think you also know that. So don’t you be silly (I have a childish urge to stick my tongue out - when adults use the word silly as a rebuke to tiger adults argument it always reminds me of my old primary school headmistress scolding children!!!)

Organising stuff keeps the need to control things sated. I have to pull myself up and let others have a turn.

I sort of agree with the disempowerment thing BUT it’s assumed disempowerment rather than that being the actual reason behind any perceived criticism my DP uses as a reason not to do more…

Before kids we split stuff 50/50 ish… he had the money so would book all our holidays, etc. and I am a bit of a neat freak so tended to lead on the cleaning and tidying - cooking we spit between us. But when the kids came along and I was on maternity leave and the laundry chore became vast then I ended up doing more. I was at home, he was out at work. So I developed techniques/ strategies for doing laundry, cleaning, etc. that were efficient, that made my life easier, ways of doing little jobs during nap times, that sort of thing… I became better at the chores as I had more practice, I knew how best to get them done with minimum fuss and in the least amount of time.

Fast forward to now and yes, my DP often says he’d help more if I wasn’t so critical about how he does stuff BUT my point is this - I’ve been doing this shit for 10 years now, I know how best to get it done, I still do the lions share as I work part time and from home… he needs to do it my way in order to actually help me manage the sheer volume of stuff I do so yes, I want him to hang up the washing up straight instead of just chucked over the dryer because that helps to reduce the amount of ironing I have to do… and yes, I want him to put things away in the right place so that next time I need that item I don’t have to spend 10 mins looking for it. It’s the knock on effect it has on my ability to get things done if he doesn’t do it the way I do it. It’s not a power thing, or a control thing it’s a practical, this is the best way to do things thing…

If someone at work who had been doing the job 10 years longer than him pulled him up on a piece of work he’d done and said, “it’s great, thank you, but actually, we do it this way because X, Y, Z” then he’d accept it. And if this became his regular task and he found a better way to do it eventually then I’m sure he’d raise it and see if he could get the process altered. And I know that if he took on a task I carry out 100% and came up with a more efficient way to do it then I’d absolutely jump on that - but he doesn’t do it often enough at the moment to have an opinion so I just need him to do it my way for now.

But none of this relates to planning and organising things - if he came up with an idea to go ice skating or something then I’d totally be on board with this, I’d absolutely not step on his toes in terms of organising (I don’t have the time!), I’d 100% let him plan it and book it and do all the necessary things to get us there… but he doesn’t. He doesn’t come up with ideas, he doesn’t want to go anywhere or do anything. But he will moan and complain when we’re all at home with no plans and getting on each others nerves.

Where my husband is concerned it's definitely not a disempowerment thing. We've had full-blown arguments about the fact he never makes any effort at all. Last time he booked a hotel and a sitter and took me out was 9 years ago the night we got engaged :) he hasn't bothered since! Any trips or dates we've had I've organised from start to finish. It's actually really unattractive in a person and I do feel quire resentful towards him. (I've said all this to him) he got defensive when I asked him to take some initiative 😂
He'll also only be "aware" of house jobs if he happens to overhear me muttering about them or he doesn't do them.

Really annoying.

I think this happens a lot.

I refer back to:

I never, ever took the responsibility for doing it all. If it doesn’t need a vagina to do it, then it’s a shared job.

Even when DH was only home for 36 hours a week, we split chores down the middle.

It depends on your relationship. There are lots of things that wouldn't get done if I didn't do them or push for them, usually they're things I want doing that he couldn't care less about. When I moved in I did the decorating as he hadn't decorated since he bought the place. I chose the wallpaper, paint etc as anytime I asked an opinion it would be 'fine'. On the other hand he cooks and bakes so I'm the one that says 'anything' when asked so I just have to keep quiet when he decides we're having something I don't like (I do tell him if I don't like something and he tends not to make it again).I used to do lots of travelling and am organised but OH is a last minute person which winds me up at times. So we're both organised and disorganised just in different ways. He's organised in things that are important to him and I'm organised in things important to me. We just accept each others ways. If i were going on holiday I pack for him as it would annoy me that he was leaving it to the last minute. On the other hand when we were ready to go he'd be standing by the door waiting ages before we really needed to go as he hates being late.