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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it just my husband who can't...

130 replies

Silverbook · 09/04/2023 11:37

plan or organise anything. Literally anything. It's so f@cking infuriating. I plan and organise everything - house/life admin, food, all finances, shopping, DC childcare, holidays, day trips, vet, car, house & garden upkeep etc If it's relevant we both work FT. Financially we contribute equally.

I often wonder what his life would look like if i wasn't here. I asked him once and he said that he's plan things then but why do it when I was able to. Part of me want to just stop but I don't want DC (or me!) to miss out

Overall he is a caring, hands on and hard working dad. I'm not disputing that but he is so unintentionally selfish with his lack of thought it drives me up the wall. I'm actually not even sure it is selfishness, he just seems happy to coast along and have no experiences whereas I really value experiences.

So next weekend I've booked short city break just for me and DC. I am aware of how petty this is but I'm so hacked off with him benefitting from everything.

OP posts:
TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 12:31

A little girl I teach lives with just her dad because her mum is dead and when the class talked about Easter egg hunts in the garden she said "there's never been eggs in my garden”

Bloody hell call social services 🙄 we don’t do egg hunts as I don’t want my kids overloading on chocolate

NeedToChangeName · 09/04/2023 12:33

Chowtime · 09/04/2023 12:15

I need to explain something to you and quite a few other women on here seem to find difficult to understand @Neededanewuserhandle

See the thing is, women can't just not do it. They can't not take their kids to get new shoes when the old ones are too small because their feet will become deformed. They can't not take their kids to the dentist/optician/doctor/asthma clinic just because the other partner won't - thats abuse. They can't not feed their kids just because their partner won't because kids die if you don't feed them.

So Please stop saying "stop doing it". We can't stop doing it because it has to be done.

Show quote history

@Chowtime I agree with you that a lot of chores NEED to be done, but there are some that could be left until other family members pull their weight eg emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry

I'm often surprised on MN how many men manage to dodge their share of household chores completely

PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 12:35

Was he pulling his weight until the second you gave birth?

Because the thing that shocks me is the number of women who live with lazy men, then decide to have children with them, and effectively multiplying their own workload immensely.

Imnotachap · 09/04/2023 12:37

It's not unintentional selfishness. It is absolutely intentional. He said so. He said he could do it, but chooses not to because you will do it.

ssd · 09/04/2023 12:39

Yep

MojoMoon · 09/04/2023 12:39

What does he do as his job? Does it involve some level of planning and executing tasks?

Isanny · 09/04/2023 12:44

A little girl I teach lives with just her dad because her mum is dead and when the class talked about Easter egg hunts in the garden she said "there's never been eggs in my garden " 😢

I don't believe there would have been eggs in the gardens of all of the rest the the children in the class either.

Lots of people don't do egg hunts in the garden.

youshouldnthaveasked · 09/04/2023 12:47

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 09/04/2023 11:47

U should use full words properly. Y don’t u?

Also U R talking bollocks. OP doesn’t have delusions of grandeur just because she wants to share the mental load.

Just because U R happy 2 B a slave 2 UR Nigel it doesn’t mean other women should.

Show quote history

U r funny 😆

OhVicIveFallen · 09/04/2023 12:48

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

"You" not u. Why are you using text speak? Weird.

DanceMonster · 09/04/2023 12:50

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

Delusions of grandeur? 😂. What ‘grandeur’ do you think the OP has delusions of?

SpecialControlGroup · 09/04/2023 12:53

When he effectively said 'I could do it but why bother when I have a maid you to do it for me', would be the last time I did or planned anything that benefits him. I would keep it up until he realised how utterly infuriatingly insulting that is and starts pulling his weight

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2023 12:56

Not just yours OP. Mine pulled a spectacular wtaf moment on me yesterday.

Our phone cable needed replacing that went through a wall (in the corner) so he pulled out furniture, boxes etc to do it. Fair enough. But he didn't put anything back as he didn't know where it all went but I do. WTAF?!?!? I made him physically put it back while I told him where but this morning I noticed a few items lying around that should have gone back in a drawer 🙄

Maybe I also have delusions of grandeur to want him to be an adult.

Rosula · 09/04/2023 13:02

Presumably he plans at work, and he plans his own life enough to organise, say, his commute to work?

It seems to me if he didn't want to help you in planning for this trip, it's fine for you to leave him out of it.

Rosula · 09/04/2023 13:04

YA possibly BU in taking the DC with you. You should plan to take yourself off for a treat and leave him to look after the DC, including planning for meals and entertainment for them. Preferably you should plan it for a weekend when he wants to do something else.

Jumbojade · 09/04/2023 13:50

(I plan and organise everything - house/life admin, food, all finances, shopping, DC childcare, holidays, day trips, vet, car, house & garden upkeep etc)

My late dh was just like yours. I did all the life admin and if I had left it to him to deal with a bill, it never would have been paid! I often worried how he would cope if anything happened to me, as he wouldn’t have had a clue where to start.

I ended up leaving a big envelope in a file, with birth/marriage certificates in it, up to date details and paperwork of house/car/life insurance, mortgage, bank accounts etc., just in case he outlived me, which he didn’t, The envelope is still there, to make it easier for my family, when anything happens to me.

Sandinmyknickers · 09/04/2023 14:30

Isanny · 09/04/2023 12:44

A little girl I teach lives with just her dad because her mum is dead and when the class talked about Easter egg hunts in the garden she said "there's never been eggs in my garden " 😢

I don't believe there would have been eggs in the gardens of all of the rest the the children in the class either.

Lots of people don't do egg hunts in the garden.

Most kids I know (including myself as a child) don't have gardens, we live in flats. Oh the deprivation! Never had a garden easter egg hunt

Phineyj · 09/04/2023 15:21

I used to think this until I watched DH plan a mountain biking holiday for himself and several friends, in meticulous detail.

Did he ever blow his cover with that one. Now I know it's won't/don't want to and not can't, I just give him jobs to do. Or don't do stuff if the negative consequences only affect him.

You have to be a little hard hearted with selfish people.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/04/2023 15:36

Chowtime · 09/04/2023 12:15

I need to explain something to you and quite a few other women on here seem to find difficult to understand @Neededanewuserhandle

See the thing is, women can't just not do it. They can't not take their kids to get new shoes when the old ones are too small because their feet will become deformed. They can't not take their kids to the dentist/optician/doctor/asthma clinic just because the other partner won't - thats abuse. They can't not feed their kids just because their partner won't because kids die if you don't feed them.

So Please stop saying "stop doing it". We can't stop doing it because it has to be done.

Show quote history

How can these men hold down usually senior roles without hand holding from their bosses but couldn't possibly feed their child? I imagine plenty would if they were actually left to it.

If a man would seriously allow a child to starve then why be with someone who is capable of child neglect?

Women don't have to remain married to these men.

Phineyj · 09/04/2023 15:42

It is more likely they'd quickly find a new girlfriend to do it.

There are about a billion threads on here where a second wife/girlfriend has unwittingly ended up with heavy duty childcare responsibility for children that are not hers.

Also women really rally round single dads in a way they don't with e.g. single mums.

Patriarchy. It's everywhere!

Original poster
Silverbook · 09/04/2023 17:20

PapadamPreach · 09/04/2023 12:35

Was he pulling his weight until the second you gave birth?

Because the thing that shocks me is the number of women who live with lazy men, then decide to have children with them, and effectively multiplying their own workload immensely.

No I think having children just increases the mental load in a way you don’t realise until it happens. Because I had a very generous mat leave (16 months) I naturally assumed lots of the ‘doing’ and mental load which then they stuck when I went back to work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverbook · 09/04/2023 17:21

Pixiedust1234 · 09/04/2023 12:56

Not just yours OP. Mine pulled a spectacular wtaf moment on me yesterday.

Our phone cable needed replacing that went through a wall (in the corner) so he pulled out furniture, boxes etc to do it. Fair enough. But he didn't put anything back as he didn't know where it all went but I do. WTAF?!?!? I made him physically put it back while I told him where but this morning I noticed a few items lying around that should have gone back in a drawer 🙄

Maybe I also have delusions of grandeur to want him to be an adult.

😂 at least we stand united (and deluded) together!

OP posts:
Original poster
Silverbook · 09/04/2023 17:24

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

And ur post makes u look like u have delusions of grammar.

OP posts:
BotterMon · 09/04/2023 17:27

I voted YABU because you need to delegate to him. If he doesn't do it, it doesn't get done. Why don't you keep the bits you enjoy and give him the bits you don't? No reason why he can't take on his fair share.

You are enabling him to be useless and you need to up your game rather than moan.

Acheyknees · 09/04/2023 17:32

OP you are me!! I organised every single day out, short break and family holiday when the kids were growing up. I taught them to ride a bike, to swim and to learn to drive. Now they are older I don't organise anything. DP frequently moans that 'we don't go anywhere' nowadays, that's incorrect, I plan lots of weekends away for me but none for him. I go on holidays on my own and with friends but I'm not going to organise anything for him. You don't need a womb to book a holiday.

Cinnamon23 · 09/04/2023 17:51

Skybluepinky · 09/04/2023 11:45

U got with him knowing what he was like, and I doubt u would cope with someone who was as organised as u.
The post makes u look like u have delusions of grandeur and that u enjoy moaning.

This has to be a wind-up? Are ‘u’ joking?

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