Is it just my husband who can't...

[Silverbook]

plan or organise anything. Literally anything. It's so f@cking infuriating. I plan and organise everything - house/life admin, food, all finances, shopping, DC childcare, holidays, day trips, vet, car, house & garden upkeep etc If it's relevant we both work FT. Financially we contribute equally.

I often wonder what his life would look like if i wasn't here. I asked him once and he said that he's plan things then but why do it when I was able to. Part of me want to just stop but I don't want DC (or me!) to miss out

Overall he is a caring, hands on and hard working dad. I'm not disputing that but he is so unintentionally selfish with his lack of thought it drives me up the wall. I'm actually not even sure it is selfishness, he just seems happy to coast along and have no experiences whereas I really value experiences.

So next weekend I've booked short city break just for me and DC. I am aware of how petty this is but I'm so hacked off with him benefitting from everything.

I just find it incredible how so many men can't arrange school dinners, doctor's appointments, parent teacher interviews and other boring things but can organise rounds of golf, stag dos, full blown affairs etc.

Sometimes you find they annoy you less when you start to mentally detach. You just stop caring so much because you don't even see them as your partner anymore. Hopefully this isn't what's happened to you!

You are not alone OP, I could have written this myself.

I don’t think it’s petty to organise this trip without him. His total lack of effort communicates that he doesn’t care about it, so why would you bother including him?

I’ve been there. I told my Dh the only holidays he was going on were ones he fully organised and made it really clear if it was a half arsed attempt leaving half of it to me to do while on holiday then I would cancel, even if the taxi to the airport was already on the way. He organised holidays. Unfortunately we are back in that space now so let’s see, but i will definitely organise a trip without him if he doesn’t care enough to do any of the work.

I don't understand why 'a couple' can't discuss and delegate, share etc. You're both adults and unless there's a neurological issue or something there's no reason for one member to take on everything. As a couple my dp and I have different preferences and strengths; if something needs doing we'll sort it out with a chat, who does what etc. If we can we'll share the job, if not we'll discuss how to achieve the end result; if it's something like a holiday, insurance etc we'll discuss what we each want out of it and who will do what. I don't understand either why women keep doing things for the men (usually that way round), like packing, food etc. They're not children (as in, before teenagers - they can do it themselves too!).

My dh does plan and organise a fair bit. He'd do the big ticket holiday items and I do the day to day bits. But if I stopped he would be fine. Might not get his first choices the first few times and need to settle and it might not all be my version of perfect but he'd manage. Christmas and birthday presents would be bought and wrapped, dinners would be eaten everyone would be dressed.

At the end of the day I do impose a set of rules that I follow that are unnecessary and I do it so we have a nice life. He has similar rules for his stuff that I'd find unnecessary but he thinks is important.

I'm a sahm though- which I think makes the distribution of mental load and tasks way more straight forward.

Mine was very like that when we got together almost 30 years ago.

Anyway I knew I did not want a life of picking up after a man I would rather have been single. Birthday cards and presents for his relatives? His Mothers Mother’s Day card? Clean socks? dental and doctors appointments? Packing his own bag for a holiday? Well then it just didn’t happen.

A perfect example is my friend and I were meeting for a weekend away decades ago. She cooked food and put it in the fridge for her DH and children. Mine asked about food I replied see that big white thing in the corner it’s a fridge, you take food out and cook it and if it’s empty you go to a thing called a shop and buy food.

He travelled extensively for work for a decade, a colleague of mine at work asked if I packed his bag. Like FFS, she and I were a similar grade at work and allegedly functioning adults making tough decisions but she seemed shocked.

I know it’s many years of societal conditioning but just don’t do it stop worrying that they won’t love you anymore and that others will judge.

If a woman is a downtrodden, abused and mentally crushed person who relies on a man for money I can see why this could happen, as sad as it is, if not then I have no clue.

Women can sometimes be their own worst enemy.

My DH is like this. Thing is if I didn't do it life would just be shit.

If I ask him to plan something he just won't, or will plan something completely rubbish. Even if I am trying to plan something his answer is often we will see when we get there. This will result in say not getting lunch because he didn't bother to look to see if there was a lunch venue.

If for example we go shopping he cant be bothered to get herbs/spices or garlic etc. So we would eat bland food. He follows me around asking basic question like shall we get milk

He will clean if asked, but also he misses bits.

He doesn't put things away properly, and is incapable of organising things so all our drawers would be a mess with piles of things everywhere

He's just useless and I am considering ending things. He's lovely in some ways but I am so tired of his inability to plan anything. He asks me questions for everything, like shall I put a wash on, what wash do you want. And we have argument over argument about itm

He will pack is own clothes for holiday but wouldn't think to pack the extra things. And if I ask him to he'll say "oh we dont need to do that"

Tbf just family are also the same. They cannot be bothered to put any effort in to make something nice or enjoyable and as a result are completely bored shitless and dull people.

And tbh I work in quite a male dominated field, a lot of the men do the same at work. People always say how to men hold down these jobs. They have teams of people (mostly women) propping them up. Admin teams, cleaners etc, female juniors. And the men I work with get visibly very stressed when things become a bit difficult or they have to think about more than what they know they need to do. How many times to people have a work wife?

Men always think they're the shit at work but they are so incapable of even the most basic life tasks.

Sometimes when I'm listening to (some) women talk about their ohs I'm left wondering if these men are actually being 'disempowered' - or whatever the right word is! so that they end up feeling like their input is never 'good enough' or 'perfect' enough; they will often go on about how shit their cleaning/shopping/planning abilities are to the point that I'm left feeling sorry for them! I know from my own experience that being told I was shit left me incapacitated to the point where I could no longer cross the road if he was with me (exh), I had to defer. I bet many just give up so they don't get moaned at for doing it wrong.

Of course its the woman's fault

To give you an example my Dh cleared the table. He didn't wipe it down, he's left the mayonnaise and 2 glasses and the bottle of drink

Yes it's fucking useless. Who's going to actually clear it away? If your partner is repeatedly moaning at you because you can't complete basic tasks then that's on you

Just writing this post he's asked me 2 inane questions (should he take the shopping in from the car, should he put his rubbish in the bin)

I think it's called 'learned helplessness' and you're enabling it because you won't relinquish control over anything. Are you a bit OCD?

Just STOP organising everything and see what happens.

Please tell me that you told him you aren't his mother and he doesn't need to ask permission before he does things.

Many men like this hold down jobs that require planning and organisation.
They choose not to do to at home because they're lazy, selfish and deep down they consider it a woman's job to do it.

Can't and doesn't are two different things.

Time to be tough, pick one task.

His uselessness is in no way "accidental." He knows full well how much you do, and he could absolutely do these things himself, he just doesn't care enough about you to behave like an actual adult. You do it all so he doesn't give a fuck. He gets to cherry pick everything he chooses to do because you let him. He's not some overgrown incompetent oaf at work, is he?

Stop tolerating this bullshit.

Lol 😂😂😂😂😂

@RubbishHusband I know I didn't put myself very well, can struggle to explain what I have in my head sometimes. And, yes, there will be some very lazy guys out there. But, to use your example of the table, in my life now I would feel comfortable talking to my oh and asking if he could do the job better in future, and because we have respect for each other he would take that on board and be fine with it. Also if he was asking me questions like that I would ask why he felt he needed to. I think that to a certain extent, if a man is treating a woman like some of the things on here and like I hear, it's called unacceptable. Women doing it to men seems fine. Another example I heard was a woman calling her husband a 'man-child' because he is incapable of cleaning properly or packing for himself. She then just takes over!

I have been a victim of DV, for the record, and would refuse to be a doormat. I agree many, many men are shitbags. I just see these issues too.

@Aquamarine1029 your answer could also be the more accurate one though! 😁

🤣

Do you mean he can’t or won’t do stuff @Silverbook ?

unless he has a genuine learning difficulty or neuro divergence which shows in other areas of his life , then I’d suggest he won’t do it.

Mine is the same, he does absolutely nothing. We would never go anywhere if it was left to him and my daughter would have the shittest birthdays/Xmas etc imaginable. I’m mostly fine with it now, the only time I get really cheesed off is when he claims he’s doing loads or when he scoffs at me for ‘being anal’. (this is when he’s feeling guilty and takes it out on me)

On the plus side it does mean I get to choose everything and have it all my own way! Swings and roundabouts

Of course it's the women's fault. Of course it is. It always is, isn't it.

Maybe you are good at this and he isn't - play to your strengths in the partnership. It could also be that he is less bothered about these trips/holidays than you are but happy to go along with what you come up with. That is I htink often the case.

I've sadly got one like this too. He goes under the job title CEO (not of his own business either - a proper CEO). Has won numerous national awards at work but absolutely useless at home.
This weekend alone I've had to advise him not to go out wearing jeans to an activity where there was a high chance he'd get wet and where jeans could actually have been detrimental if he'd fallen into water during said activity. Then there was an error code on a domestic appliance (the only appliance he knows how to work and which is his one designated job). I discovered him taking the appliance apart. When I asked if he knew what was wrong he said 'no'. Didn't seem to have occurred to him to look up what error code meant. Then when I told him and shoved the instruction book under his nose he still didn't do what it said.

It never ceases to amaze me that everyone thinks he's so wonderful at getting things done at work but is completely useless at home.