Unexpectedly late lunch at friends house, wibu to expect to feed the kids some dinner?

[SquigglyGum]

Genuinely not sure if iabu.

Went to a friend's place for lunch on good Friday, 4 families including the host's. 9 kids 3-8yo. It was a seafood lunch, we all brought dishes to share and the host provided lunch for the kids.

Kids ate their hot lunch around 1.30pm. Adults grazed on prawns and chips/dips and for some reason the hosts didn't start cooking the hot parts of our lunch until gone 4pm. The kids were happy playing. We sat down at around 5pm, by that time I was starving (breastfeeding), and half an hour later the kids were all saying they were hungry. The host seemed to either ignore them, or say she'd given them dessert (I.e. stop asking for food, you've had loads), but that was at lunch time and it was coming to dinner time.

Obviously we hadn't come for two meals, but I was surprised she didn't either raise it with us or offer some cheese toasties or something simple. I found some leftover rice from our lunch and offered it to some of the kids but it wasn't enough really. It was clear the host didn't want to feed the kids, but she did want the fun to continue with the adults.

The other parents there didn't seem bothered that their kids were hungry either.

I called time at 7ish when I realised the others were kicking on and the kids wouldn't get fed, so we came home and gave our kids beans on toast, all sorted.

Was ibu to think it was odd not to even acknowledge that the kids needed something for their tea? In that situation I would have rustled up something simple, really to be able to keep on socialising with my mates having kept the kids fed and happy.

What would you have done in this situation? Note that we couldn't have chipped in for a takeaway pizza or anything as it was good Friday and nothing was open.

Interested to hear your thoughts!

Can you read my posts? We all contributed. The hosts were cooking the hot stuff, we all brought dishes that didn't need cooking.

As to the serving of the food and clean up, yes we all mucked in.

I would think it really rude to bring snacks for only my own children to my friends house. Again, it shows the different dynamics others have with their friends.

Children need feeding on a reasonably regular schedule. No skipping a meal won’t kill them, but arguing in favour of withholding dinner from them unnecessarily (and in this case, because the grown ups were too busy getting pissed) is such a batshit extension of the usual mumsnet competitive underrating. Skip as many meals as you want, it doesn’t make you any better than people who like to eat at regular intervals, and applying the same ‘meh who needs to eat?’ smugness to children as young as 3 is bullshit.
This! ^^

No, it won't kill children to miss a meal.
It is, however, shitty hosting and shitty parenting to prioritise adults having nibbles and booze over ensuring children are appropriately fed.

All this 'it teaches them a lesson' crap is concerning.

What it does teach them:
That children can be expected to miss meals if the adults want to drink alcohol
That if they say they're hungry (having missed a meal, so not whining for chocolate and snacks), the adults won't listen to them.
That adults consider it justifiable to leave children, who you know are hungry, to go hungry if it interrupts the prawns and the wine.
That adult socialising comes before meeting the basic needs of children that adults chose to have and chose to bring to a social event.
That you don't need to trouble yourselves for babysitters, just feed children at 1.30pm and that's your parenting responsibility done for the day.
That children are an inconvenience and should keep out the way because adults want to socialise like their pre-children days.

Timings all spilled over and it's lovely, IMO, when guests stay longer, have a few drinks etc. Sounds like your kids were the only ones who needed feeding right then. I would have offered some toast or whatever, but equally you could have just said is it OK if I grab my kids some toast/crisps etc and sorted it yourself (I wouldnt mind that at all, but I guess your host might). You do sound a touch precious in your OP that your kids weren't being put first on this occasion... but it's not unreasonable that the kids got hungry again.

I would think it really rude to bring snacks for only my own children to my friends house. Again, it shows the different dynamics others have with their friends.

Definitely rude.

I'm also not sure how I'd feel if my guests announced they'd ordered pizza for everyone. Feels a bit like a criticism of the food I'd provided (which may be justified on this occasion but still!).

I'm with you. If kids were fed at lunch time they would need food at tea time. So either it's a lunch/day event and your getting away at 6ish. Or it's a dinner/afternoon event and kids eat lunch at home. Or they should offer more food to kids.

Obviously I don't give a toss where she actually lives! I meant what sort of place is it. Is it in the Orkneys or something?

I wouldn't especially care what you thought if you invited me round for lunch but hadn't provided much on the way of food by 4 pm.

That's rude and inhospitable IMHO.

I wouldn't especially care what you thought if you invited me round for lunch but hadn't provided much on the way of food by 4 pm.

You wouldn't find it rude if I brought snacks for my kids and didn't offer them to the other kids? Fair enough, but most of my friends would find that quite rude.

Yes it's very strange. Feeding the kids lunch at midday and the adults at 5 and not expecting the kids to be hungry again by 5 is very odd. I would at least make sure there was enough at 5 to feed the kids again

Well if you think it's rude then why not pack extra? I do, and so do my friends because kids go crazy for snacks. You seem to have so many excuses and are so defensive. I'm sure the host was fine and it's you who thought they couldn't/shouldn't do something as it might offend

The performative bafflement is strong on this thread.

It really wasn’t great hosting. Lunch for the adults should have been provided at lunchtime (latest by 3pm). I would have left as soon as my children said they were hungry and the host said no more food.

@SquigglyGum were you tempted to sneak into the kitchen and eat the dish you’d provided? I know I would have been!

Seems very weird

They invite you for lunch. Give kids lunch 130 but don't feed you till 5

By which time most normal kids would want tea

So you should have left then

Or asked to make a Sarnie /beans on toast

Ordered something even being gf takeaways re mainly open

Going forward - do as I do any always take a few snacks in the bag / crisps - apple - cheddars - raisins - breadsticks for just incase

Plenty of villages have no takeaways at all and no just eat service. The village I grew up in had a local shop that shut at 5. Nearest takeaway was 9 miles away, in a very small town. I can well believe it would have been closed on a bank holiday. No takeaways delivered to this village and if we wanted one it was a big deal and involved driving a 50 minute round trip. There are loads of places like that in the uk.

@AbsolutelyNebulous has described my inlaws to a T! (except for 'have another beer', substitute cup of tea). We try to avoid eating there now...

If you are able to get a meal on the table for however many people yourself within a couple of hours of them arriving (and have a good idea of your capabilities e.g. if you'd find catering for 20+ very stressful, don't offer...) then it's mega frustrating to hang around for hours and not even be allowed to help speed things up a bit. Especially if you actually brought side dishes.

Sure hunger never killed anyone but what kind of weirdo wants guests to be hungry and anxious about when lunch is?!

I’ve definitely been to lunches that have turned into dinner in similar situations. Everyone’s having a lovely time and the wine is flowing.

However we’d definitely keep the kids well fed. No one likes whiny hungry kids. Myself or my friends would always produce some freezer food, or pasta, or even toast or cereal.

Sorry, wrong thread!

Fair enough @gypsytrampandthief , I'm sorry. But if OP's friend lives in such an area then it's even more likely they will have stocked up for the long weekend if nothing is open and have at least something in that they could have offered the children - even. toast or cereal, didn't have to be a cooked meal)

(And before anyone jumps on me for assuming everyone can afford to do this, I'd be surprised if someone hosting a seafood and drinks event couldn't afford to have something in the children could have eaten. Else they have their priorities seriously wrong).

The performative bafflement is strong on this thread.
Agreed.

I'd also bet that if the thread was about going to MIL's house for lunch, MIL fed the kids at 1.30, didn't feed the adults lunch until 4.30/5pm and left the children to go hungry until 7pm, people would 100% be saying OP was reasonable and MIL was awful.

Somehow writing it as a naice middle class social thing where the adults have wine and prawns makes ignoring children acceptable to some

I think the hosts just lost track of the schedule here, probably having too much fun snacking on prawns and wine to get the hot food started for "lunch." Then when it turned out to be almost dinnertime they didn't really want to whip up another meal for 8 kids.

At the same time, I don't think it was quite right of them to be encouraging everyone to keep the wine and fun going when the kids were obviously hungry. Yes, you could have left but you wouldn't have eaten the lunch you had planned and cooked for either!

I probably would just put this down to a one-off thing for now, I'm not sure I would even raise it with the hosts. Everyone messes up now and again. You know your friends well enough, probably, to know whether they are privately feeling a bit guilty and will learn from this mistake, or whether they'll do it again, or as a habit! If there's a next time that one of the group hosts the group [plus kids] for "lunch" then, depending on how you all interact, you could (a) privately pack an extra heavy snack for all the kids in case the hosts lose track of time, or (b) you could suggest to all the parents that one of you acts as timekeeper to make sure you stay on the correct timeline (sort of a "designated driver"), or (c) you could be the person who privately keeps an eye on the clock and comes up with a nice way of saying, "Martha, shall I help you get the hot food started?" early enough to ensure the kids aren't missing dinner.

It would go down very well here!

We've had meet ups at ours since all the kids were a few months old (they're 18 now so do their own thing!) but we'd always stick some pizzas, nuggets, garlic bread in the oven then whip out the puddings. Kids were then happy for a few more hours and we could continue the beers 👍

I'm currently living on my own and I could pull a 'light tea' for 8 - 9 children out of my arse in minutes (assuming I wasn't utterly pissed).

Packet of cream crackers. Slab of cheese. Some sliced tomatoes. Toast x 8 or more slices. Jam & peanut butter. Bowl of crisps. <Stares at cupboard>. Bowl of sweetcorn. Tinned tuna and mayo. Melba toasts. Matzos.

Just the OP!

Read it again,